Can someone, anyone and everyone PLEASE read the begining of my script... its like 8 pages typed but I want to know if im doing an ok job before I continue writing this approx 30 page story... i know the formatting is a bit off im looking for opinions on how dialouge is written etc etc thanks in adance!


EXT. Robert Jogs down the sidewalk
EXT. Robert Swims laps in the pool
INT. Robert does pushups in his living-room

INT. Dr. Griggs sits down across from Robert and they have their discussion


Dr. Griggs
I want to know what's bothering you Robert.

Robert
So do I, that's why I'm paying you so much isn't it?

Dr. Griggs
Let's talk for a minute about Kelly... are the two of you still trying to sort
through your problems?

Robert
I dunno, i mean... we talk maybe once or twice a week. On the phone usually.

Dr. Griggs
When is the last time you saw her?

Robert
Um... we were going on dates for a while... Friday nights, but its been
a couple of weeks now. I'd say... yeah two weeks ago yesterday

Dr. Griggs
And on those nights where did the two of you go?

Robert
Dinner... movies... nothing special really, we uh ( beat ) we decided to start
seeing other people.

Dr. Griggs
Now did you BOTH decide that or was it her Decision?

Robert
Well... it was more hers really, I barely wanted to see her all the time
let alone other girls. I was a little upset at first but life goes on.

Dr. Griggs
Why were you upset then?

Robert
What do you mean why was I upset...? I got dumped that tends to pull
on the emotional strings just a little bit.

Dr. Griggs
Well, you said yourself you barely wanted to see her, it just
seems like you were ready to be out of the relationship, am I right?

Robert
Yeah. Yeah I was ready to move on for sure, its just... I spent
almost three years with Kelly... I was used to it. And even though
the break up wasn't that upsetting, Im still readjusting my life now, breaking
away from that feeling ya know that something that was constant in my life, isn't anymore. It's hard
to be comfortable when something so familiar is gone. Makes you
anxious...

Dr. Griggs
And this anxiety... do you think that could be what's making you so active?
You've been exercising now... six days a week is it?

Robert
Yeah... 6 days, when I was still with her I was working out at least 4 though,
my dad and my grandpa were both cops so they taught me to stay healthy.
It's not anxiety its just something I like doing. The whole dating thing
just really doesn't excite me I guess.

Dr. Griggs
I wanna tell you a story...if thats ok

Robert
Yeah, shoot

Dr. Griggs
Ok. When I was a kid, my mom used to always make this pumpkin pie. Every
holiday christmas, easter, thanksgiving... I mean fourth of july.. every special
occasion she could think of. Well I HATED pumpkin pie with a passion. When
I was younger my grandma made some and I tried it and threw up, I guess she
made it wrong or something because it was awful! So for about 10 years I
didn't even wanna smell the stuff. Well when I was 17 I brought this girl home
for christmas to meet the family. I was a nervous reck, it was my first real
girlfriend. Im sure you remember what that felt like.I was doing everything I could
to get her to like me and to make the day go perfect. It worked too, her and my mom
talked for like an hour, they were getting along great just bsing about anything and
everything. Including how I refused to eat pumpkin pie . Now my mom had been trying
religiously for the past decade to get me to try her pie again. She never could.
But to make a long story short, I liked this girl so much she was able to talk me into
eating a piece after eyeballing and smiling at me for only like eight minutes or something
like that. So I took a bite ( beat ) and I loved it. And from that time on I ate that pie every time
my mom made it. It's funny because that one bad experience I had when I was younger made me
think I didn't want anything to do with the stuff again, when In reality it's something I would have
loved all along.

Robert
So what are you saying? You think I got a bad piece of pie?

Dr. Griggs
I wouldn't put it in those terms exactly... all I'm saying is that maybe Kelly
wasn't right for you. Maybe you guys were together just for the simple
fact that society says you should be in a relationship and you felt like you
HAD to stay with her. Do you think that's a possibility?

Robert
Maybe.

Dr Griggs
Robert, it took a force beyond my control to get me to try that pie again.
Something unstoppable that took over my pride and a great deal of
my mental capabilities. ( beat ) I think you would be a lot happier
if you waited for that force to kick in before you try dating again. Find a girl
who makes you stop what your doing and causes your brain to fight your body.
The kind you can't stop thinking about even if you want to ya know.

Robert
Yeah...

Dr Griggs
It can happen... you just need to get out more I think. Maybe spend less
time working out.

Robert
Less time... look at me. Does it look like its even helping? I don't know what
it is but my body refuses to make muscle.

Dr. Griggs
Has the excersize been making you feel happier?

Robert
I guess, I mean I'm doing something active and I feel pretty
healthy, but I still kind of feel like something is missing.

Dr Griggs
Well we've established the fact that it isn't a girl your longing for...

Robert
Its NOT A GUY either

Dr Griggs
Ok, its not a romantic relationship that you need, I think thats a better
way of putting it. Sometimes we really don't know what it is we need. It
will be there in your mind but you wont be able to consciously discover those
needs without help. ( beat ) How do you feel about hypnosis?

Robert
What are you gonna do? Swing a watch in front of my face and tell me I'm
gettin tired?

Dr Griggs
You've read a few to many comic books lately.

Robert
Hey... there's nothing wrong with that.

Dr. Griggs
Actually the approach we would take is a little more scientific
then waving a watch at you. There's cerium now that you would drink
a tablespoon of once a day that interacts with your brain and helps to bring
out those desires and actually magnify them.

Robert
And how would making me want something more help me?

Dr. Griggs
Well after the first day or two you'll start to be able to figure out what it
is thats been making you depressed, what you feel your missing deep down inside.
And if those things you are desiring are tangible ones we would continue treatment
for another week or so to strengthen them even more and hopefully cause your body to get so
charged about what you want that your natural impulses will give you that extra boost of
adrenaline so your able to act without backing out from fear. It's like steroids for your brain. Except
100 percent safe if used correctly.

Robert
What do you mean by tangible desires?

Dr. Griggs
Well for example if deep down you want to make a career
change the cerium should make you feel worse about your job at first, but push you
to start on the path of finding a new one. It will keep your mind on that particular problem, which seems
destructive at first, but in the long run it can get you to your goals and make you a happier person.

Robert
So how long does this cerium last... how long would it stay in my system?

Dr. Griggs
Well for every tablespoon you take your looking at 3 to 4 days. So if we do this
there will be a minimum of 3 weeks where you will be effected.

Robert
I guess thats not that bad...

Dr. Griggs
Nope not considering the gain you can receive when its all said and done
If you wanted to know more about it I could give you a pamphlet. It's hard to put
something so complex into a simple sentence.

Robert
You really think this might help?

Dr. Griggs
I wouldn't prescribe it if I didn't think it would.

Robert
Ok. Let's do it.

Dr. Griggs
Alright I need to make a phone call to get the prescription started. I'll be back in a just a minute.
I'm gonna have to have you sign some paperwork too since all I have are full bottles.

Robert
What kind of paper work?

Dr Griggs
Just some documents saying how much we advised you to take and so on and
so fourth.

Robert
Ok just get it. Your making me nervous now.

Dr Griggs
No worries Rob, standard legal procedures... you know how it goes everyone
wants to sue you for something. Sit tight I'll be right back.


INT. Griggs leaves the office, Robert reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a comic book and starts to read it

INT. Robert's apartment the lights flip on as he enters the room. Walking into the living room he sits down on
the couch. On the coffee table we see comic books and on some of the walls we see super hero pictures he flips through the stations for a minute then walks to the kitchen

INT. Robert's Kitchen he opens the fridge and takes out the orange juice and drinks it from the carton there
are also small super hero figurines on the counter

INT. Robert's bathroom he looks in the mirror his clothes now changed into work out clothes

INT. Robert's Living room he shuts the door and goes outside to jog

INT. The apartment hallway Robert walks up to the door leading outside through the glass he sees Kelly

Robert
Kelly?

He talks to himself quietly and seems to smile a bit as he steps forward to exit to the door and speak to her
a man named Shawn that Robert doesn't know comes out of the shadows and Kelly and Shawn kiss. Robert stops in his tracks, and begins to look a bit upset. Before they see him he heads back into his apartment

INT. Living room he opens the door and shuts it quickly behind him. Leaning against the door he takes a deep breath of air and tries to calm himself. On the table he see's the perscription in a bag that Dr. Griggs gave to him
walking over to the table he grabs the bag

INT. Kitchen he fills a spoon full and takes the medicine

INT, Apartment hallway he steps out from his apartment and glances twords the door Kelly and Shawn are gone. He heads up the steps and out of the door.

EXT. He is jogging slowly at first, then picking up speed. His face has a serious as he begins to run. He looks like he wants to cry after a moment and speeds up as fast as he can go.

INT. Dr Griggs Office The next day

Robert
I cried last night.

Dr. Griggs
Its common for someone to cry when they get depressed...

Robert
No... not for me... I don't cry.

Dr. Griggs
Not crying is actually a pretty unhealthy thing, its good that your able to
get your emotions out at least once. When you saw Kelly with that guy
it jerked something inside?

Robert
Ya know... I wouldn't care... and right now I don't even care
but for christ sake when she said other people I didn't
know she meant my neighbors. The guy she is seeing, he
lives two floors above me... So I get to see them at night comming
home drunk all over eachother. She is trying to be a ***** to me.
She knows I jog at night. So what does she do? Makes out with him right in
front of my building!

Dr. Griggs
She might be testing your emotions maybe she is hurt
because you let the relationship slip away.

Robert
The guy is a scum bag tho... a druggie I don't know
how many times the cops have been over to my building
questioning him.

Dr Griggs
Well... maybe she see's something in him, or maybe its like you
said. She could be trying to get under your skin as some type of
revenge and by letting it bother you she is gettin exactly what she wants
You have to try and just ignore her. avoid walking by them it will be easier
if you dont have to see it.

Robert
I could have told you that! I just hope your medicine starts working
I took my first dose last night and I feel practically the same.

Dr Griggs
It could take a couple of days... you might not even know its effecting
you and then out of nowhere its gonna hit you and your either gonna
get really sad or really really happy.

Robert
Im voting for happy... this sad thing is starting to get really old.

INT. The apartment hallway Robert stands in his hoodie and jogging pants and peers down the hall and out of the glass doors Kelly is there walking up
with Shawn. Robert makes his way forward, holding his gym bag in his hand and looking down as he joggs passed them. As he goes by Shawn gives
him an odd look.

EXT. Robert runs down the street and gets to the gym parkinglot.

INT. Entering the gym and keeping his head down Robert heads into the back room and takes off his hoodie he is wearing a tank top underneath
as he tucks the hoodie away he notices his medicine. He pulls it out and looks at the bottle shaking his head he opens it and takes a small sip then
breaths and takes another larger sip. He puts it in his bag and turns quickly to go back into the work out area. He spots Xenia on the work out bikes
and looks at her for a long moment, then eyes her out of the corner of his eyes as he walks over to the leg press. As he begins working he finds himself looking at her more and more. After a few seconds the bike winds down and she stops and is catching her breath.

Xenia
How's it goin?

Robert stops the leg press

Robert
Not too bad, I'm suprised to see anyone else down here it's usually just me

Xenia
Well, I just moved in this whole 24 hour gym thing is awesome isnt it?

Robert
Yeah definetly, especially when you can't sleep.

Xenia
I don't like working out around a lot of people, something about
a bunch of people sweating all over just doesnt motivate me to work out.

Robert
Well, I'll try not to sweat to hard for you then ( beat ) and as much as that
sounded like a cheesy pick up sex line I can promise you it wasnt...

Xenia Laughs a bit

Robert ( cont )
I'm not clever enough for those things.

Xenia
Well cheesy pick up sex lines arn't something I usually look for
in a guy so if your not the greatest at them I dont think I'm gonna
hold it against you.

Robert
Wow... pretty and funny... good combination.

Xenia
Now that... that sounded like a pick up line... not the sex kind though
so your on the right track.

There is a long pause Robert's nerves finally get to him and he tenses up so the two just sit quietly for a moment as if waitiing to say
something else, but not knowing what to say. Suddenly Xenia gets up and grabs her bag.

Xenia
What was your name?

Robert
Robert

Xenia
Robert, Im Xenia... i gotta get going... have a nice work out
maybe I'll see you tommarow night.

Robert
Nice meeting you.

As soon as she exits and is out of sight Robert stands up and looks mad at himself

try play books like the ones from tennisee williams, or goto http://www.screentalk.biz/horowitzscripts.htm
it has all thwe latest screenwrites and scrips! and in the proper format!

thanks... can someone please read it and tell me what they think so far? Im about to be finished and i need feeback before i shoot

Your writing is fine, but that's a huge amount of dialogue to chew through. In the hands of likely amateur actors, it's going to be tough to make it entertaining.

Also, I couldn't get the basic idea of what was going on within 30 seconds of starting to read. Your story should be clear and concise enough that it doesn't take 8 pages or however long for the reader to become interested. In a short, you only have a small amount of time to grab the audience's attention. Even in a feature, it should be 15 minutes or less until the main story develops.

Thanks Evan I appreciate you reading it for me, the story is a slow paced one it will go somewhere it just takes the whole story for it to develop all the way through. Thanks tho Im glad SOMEONE was able to offer me an opinion

Thanks for your feddback!I appreciated it! Regarding your script what you lack in format you make up with great dialogue! Your dialogue is great, it made me feel as though i was with Dr. Griggs! However it'll be better if you go in depth with your action scenes and descriptions. Screenwriting 101 : the essential craft of feature screenwriting is a great book, heck it inspired me!
P.S. Could you please send me your finished script once you're done!!

Yeah I definetly will send u the finished script when its finished what is your email address? Thanks for reading it It really is very helpful I was thinking about not finishing it because I didn't know if it was ok so far or not, but you helped me want to work on it again lol thanks man!

Yeah its gonna be a wonderful script just remember my advice, Oh yeah my emaileterpen17@yahoo.com
can't wait!

thats peterpen17@yahoo.com

That script was too long. It had too many words in it. Not an easy read for those of us who are partially retarded.

Peter hes not joking he is a damn retard dont take his comments seriously at all and Tanner do me a favor and grow up just a bit.

Come on guys...
Can't we all just get along?
Hehe.

Tanner, If you actually read it, why don't you give some feedback that could actually help Peter?
Last time I checked, the final product will require no reading, so you can relax now. (Unless you read the credits, or subtitles if the movie has those )

Peter, I think the script was great, and Tanner, also, If your script isn't very detailed and thought out, it makes for a weak movie.

I read all of it. To be honest I kept reading for you, not for myself. I lost interest after about two minutes. I had to keep asking myself "Why am I reading this?".

Not to be an ass, but it didn't do anything for me. And as it was said earlier the dialouge is powerful and without the proper actors, it could be sub-par.

Though I would like to read the rest, so if you did in fact finish it I would be thankful if you could e-mail it to me at seankarabekir@hotmail.com

hey i was gone for two weeks finishing my film. I did it i only need to subnit it to this site!! COMING SOON my film, thanks to mike jones and j michael for their concern...

Dear Mike,
New out here and an aspiring film-maker myself. Read your script. . Just my humble take on how you could treat it.
1) You could try to make Dr. Gigs talk less. There is a lot your characters can do with their faces. Dr. Gigs could be silen on an ocassion and just stare at Robert which would urge him to go talking and there by revealing more.
eg:
Robert
Dinner... movies... nothing special really, we uh ( beat ) we decided to start
seeing other people.

Dr. Griggs
Now did you BOTH decide that or was it her Decision?

(Dr. griggs could just keep staring at him, Robert could get shifty and then continue on his own accord. I feel that would make it a bit more intersting.

Robert
Well... it was more hers really, I barely wanted to see her all the time
let alone other girls. I was a little upset at first but life goes on.

- The script is nice, but it sounds more for radio, or maybe stage, but its not screenplay like. A character's expressions can say so much. You might want to try making Dr. Griggs far more passive and make Robert reveal a lot by himself. Then when Dr. Griggs tells Robert a story, it would make more of an impact.
Don't know if I'm coming through to you. Was just a thought.

wow im glad a lot of you read the script Im pleasently suprised. Its far from done. I have been away from the forums for a while been really busy and I Havnt worked ont he script recently. I write a little on several scripts until I get tired and then I come back to them later. I will take all of your thoughts and comments into consideration when I begin working on it again.

I agree with ZSL...Dr. Griggs talks alot. His suggestions make lots of sense. Here's more take them or leave them I guess...

The pumpkin pie story: I really wasn't feeling this at all, it seemed very strange for a therapist/analyst to be speaking more that his patient (often in movies therapists speak even less than in real life, which is not very much - probably because they are usually important characters). Maybe if you wrote us a treatment we would understand where you were going with everything and be better able to comment it all. To me your story doesn't seem to be 1/4 into it, as your estimated length would suggest.


ps if you haven't already read (the book silly) or watch the film The Usual People - it deals with 'dealing with loss' in the same way you seem to want to.