Hello Im new here. Hoppefully i can submit something by the end of this year.I only need the OK from you guys so I can start shooting! So could you PLEASE read my script and send me feedback. It's just six pages long (seven with title page). im not sure this is my first so called "script". Is it too cliche? and/or unclear? I'll appreciate your feedback!
Thank you!
...
(By Chance)
by


(Pedro Joel Espinosa)
Revisions by


(Heriberto Castellanos, Rosario Lopez)


Current Revisions by


(Pedro Joel Espinosa, August 5, 2004)


FADE IN...
INT. A HALF FULL AUDITORIUM - DAY


A guitar being plucked to an insane melody. As the camera
establishes the setting we see a trio of girls performing
on a petty stage. The few attendants cheer as we see the
drummer perform a solo...


CLOSE-UP
ROXIE (V.O.)
It started like every other day.
You know the usual get up take a
shower, go to school, take a nap,
the usual endless routine. The
only difference was that this day
would pave the path to our
success...
CUT TO:
EXT. BELMONT HIGH SCHOOL-DAY


It is a beaming SUNNY DAY and as we run through the school
in a series of shots we find ourselves inside the school.
Eventually we go inside the school through the front doors
then to the first set of stairs to a fairly good looking
young lady posting what seems to be a flyer.


CLOSE-UP OF FLYER


We read it and says:


WANTED! Guitarist, no experience necessary, must be willing
to practice after school! CALL ME 213- 505-5050 ask for
LUNA!!


We follow LUNA as she posts her flyers throughout various
places in school.
CUT TO:
EXT. A DAINTY HOUSE - SAME DAY
We establish the setting and we see a filthy white middle
aged house among other dungy middle aged houses. We then
see a GIRL being KICKED OUT of the house.


MUSICIAN #1


(aggravated)


And take your sorry looking
guitar with you! Can you
understand that we don’t do that!


2.
ROSIO
What? C’mon? It won’t kill you!
GOD! Besides you can’t do this to
me, I practically started this
band, you just can’t fire me.
MUSICIAN #1
Well looks like we already did!
And “besides” you are not that
good anyway!
ROSIO
(smirking)
But without me you're NOTHING!
MUSICIAN #1
No you’re nothing if you continue
smoking pot! Man, listen you need
to get your act together, you
need help and you know it. Come
back when your responsible enough
to be in a real band!
ROSIO
But... Forget it you loser!
CUT TO:
INT. BELMONT HIGH SCHOOL - SAME DAY
LUNA posts the last flyer. The camera follows LUNA as she
exits through the front door towards the CORNER. She puts
on her EARPHONES and listens to an insane music number from
an indie rock band.

LUNA (V.O.)
I bet tomorrow there all on the
floor! What if no one calls me?
Oh, I hope someone does call.
CUT TO:
ROSIO walking rapidly approaching the CORNER. She has
HEADPHONES and listens to the same indie rock band.
ROSIO (V.O.)
The audacity! I’ll show them!
What a bunch of school-boys! Like
they’ve never tried it
before!(puffs)
CUT TO:
LUNA walks and suddenly watches the bus approaching
3.
LUNA (V.O.)
Oh no! The other won’t come until
twenty minutes!
LUNA stars sprinting towards the CORNER.
ESTABLISHING SHOT
We see LUNA running and we see ROSIO walking smoking a
joint. Both of them approaching the CORNER. Until LUNA
bumps into ROSIO plummeting into the asphalt.
ROSIO
Ow! Hey what the hell!
LUNA
I’m sorry are you OK?
ROSIO
Yeah, whatever, oh darn my
guitar!
ROSIO and LUNA get up. ROSIO stars to play some chords.
ROSIO (cont’d)
(relieved)
Wow! You're lucky it still works!
LUNA
I’m so sorry, please forgive me!
ROSIO
Yeah its OK, as long as you
didn’t mess up my guitar.
LUNA
So you know how to play?
ROSIO
(sarcastically)
Yeah, I do.
LUNA
Oh yeah, I mean like a pro?
ROSIO
I wouldn’t go that far but yeah
I’m in (beat) well I was in a
band.
LUNA
WOW! That is so cool! I just
posted some flyers, I...I want to
start a band!
4.
ROSIO
Really! No way, you want to start
a band? Well do you have any
other members?
LUNA
Yeah I have a drummer
friend...we’re just looking for a
guitarist. Interested?
ROSIO
(hesitantly)
Well, lets see? Sure why not?
ROSIO and LUNA go on walking into the horizon as the camera
stays stationary. We see them disappear into the horizon.

ROXIE (V.O.)
I remember now, the following
days were filled with constant
REHEARSALS, constant NOISE, but
most importantly our friendship
flourished...or so we thought.
INT. SOME PLACE - EVENING
The three piece band finished an insane song. It is getting
late and the trio are tired.
ROSIO
Hey I’ll be right back yeah?
LUNA
Again!, Whatever.
LUNA walks off and instead of heading for the bathroom she
stepped outside. While the other girls continued to play.
ROXIE
I’m so freakin’ hungry, let’s
call it a day yeah?
LUNA
Yeah as soon as ROSIO returns.
It’s getting kinna dark anyway.
ROXIE
Hey is it just me or did she take
long? She did say she was going
to the bathroom right?
LUNA
Yeah but that was like ten
minutes ago. Should we check up
on her?
5.
ROXIE
Yeah I think we should.
The girls walk on straight to the bathroom and surprise to
find the bathroom empty they head outside.
LUNA
Hey what are you doing you’re
eyes look all red! Are you
smoking? You didn’t tell me you
smoked before.
ROSIO
(dozy)
Well em I do. Whatever right?
It's just a little smoke.
ROXIE
Hey wait a minute that is no
regular smoke its pot! You smoke
pot?, No wonder you’re eyes are
always red and you always play
better at the beginning of the
rehearsal
ROSIO
No. Its not true, I always play
better! (laughs)
ROSIO gets up and starts to walk but not before she trips
and falls.
ROXIE
OK that’s it you need help!
ROSIO
No I don’t you don’t understand!
You’re just a bunch of
schoolgirls!
ROXIE
Listen I went to the exact same
thing not to long ago. And guess
what? If it weren’t for my friend
who DIED! I wouldn’t be here
today!
ROXIE and LUNA approach ROSIO apparently to hug her but she
struggles.
ROSIO
(sore)
Hey don’t touch me! Leave me
alone!
LUNA
Calm down!
6.
ROSIO sore as hell walks away.
LUNA (cont’d)
Hey where are you going? Come
back!
ROXIE
Let her go.
LUNA
What?
ROXIE
Just let her!
ROSIO walks but a few steps before she lays down in the
grubby asphalt and starts to cry. ROXIE and LUNA rush
towards her and hug her.
ROXIE (V.O.) (cont’d)
And so it was that day that we
learned the true meaning of
friendship. I don’t why it
happened the way it did but I
felt it was for a reason.
FADE TO:
INT. A HALF FULL AUDITORIUM - EVENING
The camera pans through the auditorium until focusing on
three girls playing a concert. Then to the drummer.
ROXIE (V.O.)
So as the days went off so did
ROSIO’s addiction. We did it we
helped her. As I bang on the
drums I cannot help but to wonder
what tomorrow will bring us...
FADE TO BLACK.

So what you think! OK or NAY!

I'm giving you the OK to film. SUre, I'll be honest and tell u that i didn't read ur script, but thats because i would probably steal it but all the same film it no matter what it is, as long as YOU like it, ppl aren't going to have a problem, sure some things are cliched, but all u have to do is find any kind of original music and they porbably won't rag on ya too much. besides, getting caled cliche can sometimes be the best compliment because it can mean u shot ur film really well and edited and they cant find any problems other than that its familiar, but thats not meaning its not good. so start filming and get it in

Good overall story I just think you should take another look at your dialouge because a lot of it sounds fake. Need to make your characters talk a little more like real people. Here read my scrip too and tell me what you think since i read yours lol....

http://forums.studentfilms.com/eve/forums?a=tpc&s=2086066451&f=6156029451&m=613109366