Hey guys so its like this I have been talking about my romantic comedy on and off now on the forums. I dont know if any of you have noticed if not its cool. Im shooting in June my cast and crew is lined up and im working on the 3rd out of 4th draft of the script. I wrote in an extra scene just recently. Its onlt about 4 pages and I was wondering if anyone could look it over, not at the format but at the way they talk and I dont know at the overall value of it. Is it good bad? What parts need work? Is it funny at all to you guys? Any help anyone could offer would be really great. Thank you and here it is PLEASE READ IT IM BEGGING I HAVE A DEADLINE LOL.


INT. The view from inside of the fridge. The door opens and we see Nick he is talking to his friend Dave who is sitting in the background at the kitchen table


NICK
I thought you were going shopping?

DAVE
I'm gonna... I didn't have time today when I get done eatin I'll go take care of it

NICK
Well Im glad YOU get to eat... what the hell am i supposed to do?


The fridge closes,we can hear them still as opening credits come up during the darkness


DAVE
Dude, chill there's turkey in there

NICK
That's from thanksgiving! It's may man do you know how old that is?

DAVE
Damn I knew it looked weird. Why dont you throw it away if its that old?

NICK
Im not touching that, in fact im not eating anything thats sitting on the same shelf as that.

DAVE
Fine... Fine... look in the drawer I think there's some ham, thats only like a month old


The fridge opens back up


NICK
Sweet... ok... uh wheres the ketchup?

DAVE
What do you need ketchup for?

NICK
Dave...what were we just talking about? Ham... I can't have a ham sandwhich without ketchup!

DAVE
What's you're problem today, why do you gotta be all mad at me? Its not my fault you eat like your pregenet. I mean... who the hell puts ketchup on their ham?

NICK
Me... I do thats the point!


the door closes


NICK ( cont )
Dry ham, great like my day wasn't going bad enough

DAVE
I knew all that pent up anger wasnt all about a lack of condiments... wut is it this time?


INT. The small kitchen it is rather empty as the two characters sit across from each other and continue their discussion. Nick is making his sandwich while Dave is eating and talking, sometimes at the same time.


NICK
Girls.

DAVE
AHH. Shoulda guessed. I feel ya man women are some strange creatures.

NICK
Yeah.

DAVE
So does this girl problem have a name or is it just some random ***** that turned you down?

NICK
Oh Thats real understanding really.... Actually NO I didnt get turned down. In fact
I dont think she has a clue. No one does. I... Ive been hiding it pretty well.

DAVE
You talkin about Stephanie?

NICK
Damn! What do I do? What makes me that obvious?!

DAVE
Well, besides the stuttering... the sweating... uh the heavy breathing... the crazy eyes...uh...

NICK
Ok. Ok. I get your point haha very funny. Save it for your movies man Im not in the mood.

DAVE
Nick, lets be honest you have had a thing for this girl since she moved in, what... 8 months ago?
Why is it bugging you today anymore then it usually does huh? Seriously whens the last time
you got some... cuz a lack of sex would drive any man nuts im not gonna hold it against you.

NICK
First of all my feelings for Steph have gotten proggressivly worse since the day
she walked threw that door ok? You know a crush is easy to control usually all you
gotta do is make sure you dont talk to her or see her as little as possible right?
She lives here tho. So every morning while I sit down with my bowl of lucky charms
there she is. Secondly its not about sex at all!

DAVE
Oh here it goes!

NICK
Here goes what?

DAVE
Here goes a long drawn out cheesy ass monolouge about how sex doesnt matter and you
only think of her in a completely innocent way, shes not like other gurls blah smakety blah

NICK
Kiss my ass dude, forget it I knew you wouldn't understand thats why I didnt even
wanna bring this up in the first place.

DAVE
Fine. Whatever... so whats up man. What are we bout to do tonight?
Wanna head over to Mike's party or what?

NICK
Probobly not I got some math homework to catch up on, and I got a test next
week so Im crammin my head full of pointless ass math problems again.
I wouldn't call it a party anyways... maybe a get together but defnetly not a party.

DAVE
Hey dude Cheetos plus beer equals party. Theres your math problem. And I know only like
six people were there last time but if you dont come your only harming the overall population of it.
Why dont you invite Steph get her drunk and see what happens?

NICK
Oh, yeah taking advantage of her that'll win her heart.

DAVE
It's worked for me many times. Yes is yes no matter how waisted you are ok.
There have been a couple of times where its happened to me too ya know
I've wresteled with some dogs on my bad nights but thats how it goes.

NICK
Your sick. No Im not comming and ENOUGH ABOUT STEPHANIE!!


Stephanie steps into the room


STEPHANIE
What about me?


Everything suddenly freezes and we hear Nick speaking things start moving but very very slowly staying
fixated on Stephanie we hear Nick's LONG DRAWN OUT MONOLOUGE


NICK
So that's Stephanie. I'm sure you've figured that out by now, but just in case
some of you are slow there you go. You know a girl is pretty special
when she can walk into a room and suddenly you have the ability to slow down time and just
rant about how great she is. And if I were a pervert I could do some pretty digusting things to
this girl right now... but im not. So I wont. I'm just going to look at her and smile. Yeah I could do this in
real time but I don't want her catching me because, well that would be bad. Look at her.
Look at her for these few moments and I can guarentee that any guy out there could instantly
see why I fell for her so hard. Just seeing her smile... its like a miracle to me because
my senses almost completely slow down. My heart nearly stops, but at the same time
everything moves so fast. It's kind of like when neo dodges a bullet in the matrix, except
the bullet is speeding and Im moving slow, wait so actully its like real life...nevermind my
analogies suck. All that matters is that she is beautiful.


INT. Back to regular speed the kitchen again Stephanie stands in the door way still looking at the table


DAVE
Oh, we just wanted to know if you were gonna go over to Mike's tonight

STEPHANIE
Mike Jones? No I hate that kid I always get the feeling that he's
staring at my ass.

DAVE
No. That's usually me Mike likes to look other places.

STEPHANIE
Yeah I thought so, count me out. I'm gonna probobly just stay home tonight
you guys have fun though ok.

NICK
Oh. Im not going either I got some studying to do.

STEPHANIE
It's friday night are you kidding?

NICK
Unless you wanna do this math for me then, no.

STEPHANIE
Well I guess its just us losers tonight.

DAVE
You guys suck balls

NICK
Real mature Dave.

STEPHANIE
Well, I got class again just stopped by for some lunch so Im about to get outta here.


Stephanie walks over to the fridge and opens it


STEPHANIE ( CONT )
Nasty dude, how long has that turkey been in here?



Thats it so far thanks in advance for any comments and tips!!!

Hey Mike, so far this looks pretty good. The dialog seems to flow ok and the content is believable. The bit about the turkey is kind of humorous. Maybe you wanna think about changing the neo and speeding bullet analogy and come up with something a little more original (although your character does says he sucks at them hehe).
"STEPHANIE
Mike Jones? No I hate that kid I always get the feeling that he's
staring at my ass."

I thought that bit was really funny since its using your name, but I guess only I and others who know you would find it funny =p

haha yeah thank you thats why i threw in my name I thought people who are aware would notice that with my name in the script. I think my true fans will notice too hahaha jkjk. Yeah i put the neo bullet thing in there because it sounds crappy and thats kind of what I was going for, but I dont know how others would feel about it. Thanks for reading it I definetly am excited to get some feedback

That's good so far. Your turkey/ham/shopping conversation has shades of the famous "Quarter Pounder with Cheese" dialogue in Pulp Fiction because of its funny, weird, and irreverent quality. But as the script goes on, I got a little alienated, because I felt like the script was heading somewhere I've seen before in many movies. There are also many all too recognizable stereotypes embedded: the two typical college dudes, the typical college hot chick, and the typical lovey-dovey feelings for that hot chick. Basically, what I'm trying to say is your script seems to be veering towards territory that's already been well-explored. There comes a point in a movie or TV show where I'll feel like I've seen it all before and stop watching, and it's a point I don't like reaching. Try to breathe some more life and uniqueness into at least a few of your characters, and overall, just try to keep the whole thing fresh. Think about ideas you know you haven't heard before, and you'll have a good batch of original ideas before you know it. And even if they've been done before, at least you can say you tried. But overall, good work!

P.S. Please take out the word "progressively". I don't know why, but it just drives me nuts, lol.

Hey Dan. Thanks i appreciate you taking the time to read it also. I can assure you that this goes somewhere new. Yeah I have some stereotypical qualities in my characters, but I'm about to take things way out in left feild so I mean I guess your still going to see somethings as they have been done before but im doing my best to try and make things fresh. Thanks again!

I like the "you eat like you're pregnant" line.

i feel like i can relate to nick...except i'm a chick lol...thats an important thing to me, being able to relate to a character. it makes me feel like i can actually understand what nick is going through...i like the dialogue, it reminds me of conversations i would have with my friends...

So I didnt shoot this in 2004,2005,OR 2006... 2007 rolls around I have a re written script and a new cast and its looking like it might actually happen this time! I have a finished copy if anyone wants to read it... if not thats fine too. I'm just looking for any adivce AT ALL regarding EVEYRTHING about making a romantic comedy!