Hey you all, I was chattin in the chat room (hey . . .) and an idea suddenly hit me. Its not revised or anything, it was a pure spur of the moment brainstorm. Let me knwo what you think:

SCENE 1
(Black screen).

NARRATOR
When people think of a Hitman,

(A clip is shoved into the barrel of a pistol).
(Black).

NARRATOR
The immediate image in their mind is a soulless beast.

(A knife is closed and stuck in someone's pocket).
(Black).

NARRATOR
Which is good.

(Frank Randall walks out to his car)
I being a Hitman, want to induce that image to the utmost degree. For that split second between the shout of a gun barrel, to the impact of the bullet, my target shall fear me. And they shall fear me till death do him part.
(Frank Randall drives away).



DIFFERENT SCENE

BOSS
And he'll have guards.

FRANK
I'll require an extra 2 grand for every one of their heads.

BOSS
And you shall only get 1 grand.

FRANK
1,500.

(BOSS cocks an eyebrow and raises his finger into the air. His two body- guards train their guns on GUY).

BOSS
1 grand.

FRANK
1,005.

BOSS
And what will you do with an extra five American dollars?

FRANK
I don't know . . . buy lunch.

(BOSS chuckles and leans back, letting loose a sigh of content).

hey not sure where this is going all the way but i like wut i read so far man

i like it. very nice! sweet beginning.

one thing that confused me was the line:

His two body- guards train their guns on GUY).

don't you mean FRANK - who's GUY?

OOPS!

Yes, Frank=Guy. Must have missed that when I read it over.
Yeah, there isn't much direction right now, but sitting at work bored all day has given me a few ideas, I'll work them in and post a new draft.
Thanks for the feed back.

SCENE 1
(Black screen).

NARRATOR
When people think of a Hitman,

(A clip is shoved into the barrel of a pistol).
(Black).

NARRATOR
The immediate image in their mind is a soulless beast.

(A knife is closed and stuck in someone's pocket).
(Black).

NARRATOR
Which is good.

(Frank Randall walks out to his car)
I being a Hitman, want to induce that image to the utmost degree. For that split second between the shout of a gun barrel, to the impact of the bullet, my target shall fear me. And they shall fear me till death do him part.
(Frank Randall drives away).

SCENE 2
(Frank's car drives into an alley way and stops behind another car. Frank, getting out slowly, looks casually over his shoulder and walks up to the trunk of the other car. Knocking twice on the trunk Frank once again looks out the alleyway. JON gets out of the car and casually strolls to the back of the car.

JON
Hey, Frank.

FRANK
How ya' doin' Jon?

JON
You know, wife is pregnant, so she's kind' cranky.

FRANK
Oh she's pregnant? That makes . . . what?

JON
Three kids.

FRANK
(whistle) This job paying enough?

JON
Well, puts food on the table, but . . .

Frank
What?

JON
Do you ever wonder if what we do is wrong? Especially you.

FRANK
Jon, I have hit ten men in my short two years of this work. Never once has guilt crossed my mind. Until this one.

JON
Why this one?

FRANK
This guy has got a family . . . like you. I'll never know how his kids or wife feels, I've never had real parents, no wife, no children. How can I begin to compare myself?

JON
I guess what you have to ask yourself is, why are you doing this?

(They pause for a moment)

JON
I got to go Frank, what can I do for you, I've got the usuals . . .

(JON opens his trunk and Frank peers inside).

JON
You know, Piano wire, pistols, poison, knifes, rifles, silencers, oh wait. I do have something special . . .

(JON reaches in and flips back a blanket).

FRANK
Why do you have a Katana?

JON
I don't know, thought it looked cool.

(Frank reaches in and pulls out a rifle, checks the scope, and they shake hands.)

JON
Be careful, Frank.

FRANK
You too, JON.

(Frank walks back to his car, throws the gun in the back, throws a blanket over it and drives away.)



DIFFERENT SCENE

BOSS
And he'll have guards.

FRANK
I'll require an extra 2 grand for every one of their heads.

BOSS
And you shall only get 1 grand.

FRANK
1,500.

(BOSS cocks an eyebrow and raises his finger into the air. His two body- guards train their guns on FRANK).

BOSS
1 grand.

FRANK
1,005.

BOSS
And what will you do with an extra five American dollars?

FRANK
I don't know . . . buy lunch.

I love this! I would throw out the Frank/Jon conversation and skip straight to the bosses line. It kind of kills the suspense that you are building up with. Its like a wierd rollercoaster. You are going up a large hill, after 1 min of going up, the rollercoaster starts curving over the top, and every one prepares to go down. But then the rollercoaster stops, and a staircase is raised/wheeled over the the hill, and the ride is over and everyone just walks down the stairs and goes on to the next ride.


Also you said a hitman was a heartless beast, and then the hitman softens up about a guy. Again, I would go from the V.O. to the Boss scene, and then show the assassination; this is sort of a action filled introduction to get the audience accustomed with your character.

That's a great suggestion and much appreciated, however I will keep the scene, just move it to later.

See, there was supposed to be this huge twist, where Frank founds out the guy he is being hired to kill IS Jon because Jon is trying to get out of the business. What do you think of that?

SCENE 1
(Black screen).

NARRATOR
When people think of a Hitman,

(A clip is shoved into the barrel of a pistol).
(Black).

NARRATOR
The immediate image in their mind is a soulless beast.

(A knife is closed and stuck in someone's pocket).
(Black).

NARRATOR
Which is good.

(Frank Randall walks out to his car)
I being a Hitman, want to induce that image to the utmost degree. For that split second between the shout of a gun barrel, to the impact of the bullet, my target shall fear me. And they shall fear me till death do him part.
(Frank Randall drives away).

SCENE 2
(Frank's car drives into an alley way and stops behind another car. Frank, getting out slowly, looks casually over his shoulder and walks up to the trunk of the other car. Knocking twice on the trunk Frank once again looks out the alleyway. JON gets out of the car and casually strolls to the back of the car.

JON
Hey, Frank.

FRANK
How ya' doin' Jon?

JON
You know, wife is pregnant, so she's kind' cranky.

FRANK
Oh she's pregnant? That makes . . . what?

JON
Three kids.

FRANK
(whistle) This job paying enough?

JON
Well, puts food on the table, but . . .

Frank
What?

JON
Do you ever wonder if what we do is wrong? Especially you.

FRANK
Jon, I have hit ten men in my short two years of this work. Why start feeling guilty now?

JON
Do you have any regrets?

FRANK
None whatsoever.

JON
I guess what you have to ask yourself is, why are you doing this?

(They pause for a moment)

JON
I got to go Frank, what can I do for you, I've got the usuals . . .

(JON opens his trunk and Frank peers inside).

JON
You know, Piano wire, pistols, poison, knifes, rifles, silencers, oh wait. I do have something special . . .

(JON reaches in and flips back a blanket).

FRANK
Why do you have a Katana?

JON
I don't know, thought it looked cool.

(Frank reaches in and pulls out a rifle, checks the scope, and they shake hands.)

JON
Be careful, Frank.

FRANK
You too, JON.

(Frank walks back to his car, throws the gun in the back, throws a blanket over it.)

FRANK
Oh, Jon, you'll find your money in the usual place.

(Frank gets in his car and drives away.)


SCENE 3

(Frank knocks on a door and waits for a minute or two. Finally someone shouts through.)

VOICE
Who is it?

FRANK
Pizza man.

VOICE
Just a minute.

(The sound of several locks being undone resounds through the wooden door. It is finally opened by a large, muscular man who then ushers him inside.)
(The man suddenly pulls out a pistol and trains it on Franks chest.)

MAN
You know the drill Frank, coat off, hands up.

FRANK
After two years of working for your boss you still don't trust me.

MAN
Don't play games.

(The man takes Frank's gun and his jacket and throws them in a nearby room.)

MAN
All right, your clean. You know where to find the boss.

FRANK
Thanks, big guy.

(FRANK walks toward the back of the apartment and knocks on the back door.)

BOSS
Come in.

(FRANK walks in the room and sees another large man, but much larger in the gut. He is throwing darts at a picture on the wall).

FRANK
Who's the target today?

BOSS
The only man to swindle me out of 5 bucks. Here take a shot.

(Frank takes a dart, aims for half a second, and tosses the dart. The dart lands right between the eyes).

BOSS
You’re the best Frankie.

FRANK
So, who am I knocking off this time?

BOSS
Not that guy, his time will come much more uncomfortably. For now, your job is to knock off a traitor.

FRANK
To who?

BOSS
To us. He's been one of my suppliers for many years, now he's threatening to call down the Suites on us. I want you to knocks him off. As loudly as possible.

(They walk over to the wall in the back of the room, Boss picks up a briefcase and slides it across the top.)

BOSS
And he'll have guards.

(Frank opens the case and finds money stacked to the brim.)

FRANK
I'll require an extra 2 grand for every one of their heads.

BOSS
And you shall only get 1 grand.

FRANK
1,500.

(BOSS cocks an eyebrow and raises his finger into the air. His two body- guards train their guns on FRANK).

BOSS
1 grand.

FRANK
1,005.

BOSS
And what will you do with an extra five American dollars?

FRANK
I don't know . . . buy lunch.

(BOSS chuckles and leans back, letting loose a sigh of content).
(FRANK pulls out a file from the briefcase and looks through it).

FRANK
There's no pictures.

BOSS
Trust me, you'll know 'em when you see 'em.

JON
Hey, Frank.

FRANK
How ya' doin' Jon?

JON
You know, wife is pregnant, so she's kind' cranky.

FRANK
Oh she's pregnant? That makes . . . what?

JON
Three kids.

FRANK
(whistle) This job paying enough?

JON
Well, puts food on the table, but . . .

Frank
What?

JON
Do you ever wonder if what we do is wrong? Especially you.

FRANK
Jon, I have hit ten men in my short two years of this work. Why start feeling guilty now?

JON
Do you have any regrets?

FRANK
None whatsoever.

JON
I guess what you have to ask yourself is, why are you doing this?

--------------------
Everything else in the script is OK except this small conversation with the killer and the gun runner. It's just cliched to hell. That conversation is in just about every other film out there, the whole, "My wife's pregnant" and "Don't you think what we do is wrong?" parts. Cliched to DEATH. go out and rent some bad crime/action movies and you'll hear those lines. Believe me, I doubt two criminal would ever question their own morality.

Instead, make the two talk about something totally unrelated to anything that they do...

I do like the sword in the trunk though.