Hey there.

A film making forum I visit is having a short script competition. They posted the details a few hours ago.

It has to be ten pages long and the script must be based around a shared theme which is:

SOMEONE ON THE VERGE OF SUICIDE.

Not the most exciting theme we could have got...

Anyway.. I had an idea and bashed out a first draft. It's pretty rough and it's gonna need some work... But it's what I have so far. I'm after any feedback, input or advice I can get. So if anyone has a few minutes to spare please take a look and tell me what you think.

Good or bad I can take it. Just be honest.

[code]ON THE VERGE OF SUICIDE

First draft



EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

Moving down a deserted country road. Not a car in sight.
Farmland reaches out for miles around. Just before a bend in
the road we spot something...

Two men sit by the side of the road in the shade of a large
oak tree. The older of the two is STEVEN, About 20 tears old.
Well built and ruggedly hansom. The other is CHRISTOPHER,
about 18 years old. Skinny as a rake and with a face only his
mother could love. Christopher fidgets constantly picking up
little stones and throwing them across the road. Steven is
more relaxed. He just watches the road and smokes a
cigarette.

STEVEN
No, No, No. That's not it. What the
Hell was it called? That's going to
fucking torture me now.

CHRISTOPHER
You mean that movie where the
aliens have heads like eggs?
(beat)
That it?

STEVEN
No it's not. That was Alien Nation.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah. And when they pull their skin
off, underneath they're hamsters.

STEVEN
What the fuck are you talking
about?

CHRISTOPHER
I remember. They look human... But
it's fake skin. Underneath they are
all fucking rodents.

STEVEN
You're getting mixed up. That was
V... And they weren't rodents they
were lizards. Big green slimy
Lizards.

CHRISTOPHER
Then who the hell were the
hamsters?

STEVEN
Hamsters??? What the fuck? They
were reptiles. They ATE hamsters.

Steven looks confused.

CHRISTOPHER
Is that the one where the robot
takes over the house, kidnaps the
women and starts cooking eggs and
shit on the floor?

STEVEN
What? No... Fuck no. This
conversation is over. Try that
phone again.

Christopher takes out his mobile and checks the screen.

Steven stands. Takes one last drag of his cigarette, drops it
to the floor and stamps it out.

CHRISTOPHER
Still no reception.

Steven grimaces... He's about to say something then stops. He
takes out a pack of cigarettes, lights a new one and takes a
drag. He looks at Christopher.

STEVEN
I can't believe you put us on the
wrong bus.

CHRISTOPHER
Look we don't know that.

STEVEN
Yes we do.

CHRISTOPHER
No we don't.

STEVEN
Yes we fuckin do.

CHRISTOPHER
How?

STEVEN
Well you said it dropped us one
hundred meters from the venue.
Right on it's doorstep you said.

Steven takes a sarcastic, exaggerated look at their
surroundings.

STEVEN
I can't see no venue and I can't
see no doorsteps... And we've
walked a DAMN sight further than a
hundred meters... We've been
walking for an hour and we haven't
seen so much as a fuckin plectrum.
Never mind a fucking rock concert.

Christopher scratches his head...

CHRISTOPHER
Well we could have got on the wrong
bus... But it wasn't my fault.

STEVEN
Thank you and Fuck you. Who else's
fault was it? Mine?

CHRISTOPHER
No man it was an honest mistake. 15
and 115 can be very similar. And
I'm fuckin dyslexic.

STEVEN
(rolling his eyes)
Don't pull that shit.

Christopher give a "what me?" look.

STEVEN
Whenever you fuck up, Which is
pretty much constantly, You always
have some mystery fuckin illness
that coincidently frees you from
blame.

They share an awkward quiet moment.

CHRISTOPHER
If anything it's the bus companies
fault.

STEVEN
Just shut up.

More awkward silence...

DISSOLVE TO:



EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - LATER

Both guys still sit by the road. By Stevens feet there are
now about five cigarette butts. He finishes the one his
smoking and drops it. Making it six.

Christopher tries to balance a smooth pebble on his forehead.

Steven shakes his head.

STEVEN
I just can't believe I let you talk
me into this. Where the hell did
you meet this girl again?

CHRISTOPHER
On the internet. I'm telling you
man... It was love at first sight.
And wait until you see her friend.
I'm telling you... She's hot for
you dude.

STEVEN
Oh bullshit. She's never even
fuckin met me. It's a blind date. A
blind date at a fucking Goth rock
concert... I need my head examining
for agreeing with this shit... And
now look at us. Lost in fucking
Deliverance country with no fuckin
clue of where we are.

CHRISTOPHER
But Goths are fucking hot. It'll be
worth it.

STEVEN
I don't know man... I'm not even
sure what a Goth is.

CHRISTOPHER
You know... Black make up, black
hair, black clothes... And
piercings and shit.

STEVEN
What?

CHRISTOPHER
You know. Piercings. In the ears,
in the mouth, in the eyes.

STEVEN
In the eye?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah man.
(smiling)
It's all good.

Steven cringes.

STEVEN
Fucking Goths. I need my head
checked. What the hell do I know
about Goths or Goth fuckin music?

CHRISTOPHER
It's not the Music man. It's the
chicks. That's why we're here. You
just remember that my friend.

STEVEN
What? Here? Here fucking where?
We're lost dickhead...
(beat)
And you;re right... I will remember
this fuckin travesty.
(beat)
I need to piss.

Steven get's up and walks to the nearby fence. He whips it
out and starts to piss.

DISSOLVE TO:



EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - LATER

Steven Sits alone by the side of the road. He finishes
another cigarette and throws it down near his feet, where it
now joins what has become a pile of about 12 cigarette buts.

CHRISTOPHER (O.S.)
You're right... This is pointless.

Christopher is stood about ten feet away from Steven and by
the side of the road. His arm out stretched as if to thumb a
lift...

STEVEN
(sarcastically)
Well so much for your Hitchhiking
idea. Any other genius ideas on how
the hell we're gonna get home?

CHRISTOPHER
Home?

STEVEN
Yes home. You don't think we're
gonna find this fucking gig now do
you? That plan has gone right out
of the window.

CHRISTOPHER
No man... I've got this.. Feeling.
It's around here somewhere I know
it.

STEVEN
(rolling his eyes)
Yeah well you're feelings are the
last thing I'm gonna trust right
now. It's you and your feelings for
Cruella fuckin Pinhead or whatever
her name is that got us into this
shit in the first place...

Steven stands up and heads back towards the fence where he
pissed.

CHRISTOPHER
Where are you going?

STEVEN
I'm going home.

CHRISTOPHER
What?

STEVEN
You heard me.

Steven climes the fence and starts walking across the muddy
farmers field.

CHRISTOPHER
(shouting)
Do you even know where you're
going?

Steven keeps walking. He doesn't even look back.

STEVEN
(shouting)
No...
(holding his arms out)
But what's fuckin new?

Christopher watches his friend walk away. He takes one last
look around. Wind whistles through a nearby oak tree.

CHRISTOPHER
(to himself)
Man it's around here somewhere I
know.

He looks back up to Steven.

CHRISTOPHER
(to himself)
Fuck it.
(shouting)
Hey Steven. Wait up.

Steven stops and looks back.

Christopher runs to the fence and climbs over it. His trouser
leg gets caught on the barb wire.

CHRISTOPHER
Shit.

Steven watches as his friend struggles with the fence.

STEVEN
What are you doing?

CHRISTOPHER
I'm coming.

He unhooks himself and makes his way towards Steven and
across the field. They slowly get smaller and smaller as
they get further away.

We move back towards the road and the big oak tree. The wind
picks up. Branches blow everywhere. A branch breaks and
falls. Revealing something on the broad tree trunk.

CLOSE ON: POSTER

It's a poster for what looks like a rock band. The lead
singer struts hi

Hey there.

Oops. Wouldnt take it all...

Here's the rest.

It's a poster for what looks like a rock band. The lead
singer struts his stuff centre screen above the title reads.

SUICIDE KINGS LIVE AND FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY

At the bottom of the poster a second title reads.

VENUE ONE MILE AHEAD.

FADE OUT.
Despin out.

I Liked it but I was expecting a Much bigger pay-off at the end, I know what you were trying to do with the Play on "Verge of Suicide" and everything but the first part was Building up for so Long, I expected somethin Crazy and unexpected to happen. But other than that, i like it.

Hope that helped.