The working title is "Cole Miller and His Talking Dummy".

I've added 22 more pages to the first eight i posted last week, making it 30 pages total. In these pages, the main conflict/concept is put into motion (which I think is the "selling" point of the script). By showing you these pages, I'm trusting that you won't take the concept from me. I've also reworked some of the dialogue in the first eight pages.


THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW:
Does it make you want to read more? Do you get a feeling of where it is going? Are you intrigued? How is the pacing. Are there moments that aren't clear? Story aside, how is the actual writing (descriptions, dialogue, etc.) Looking for good criticism from you guys ESPECIALLY YOU FELLOW WRITERS! (by the way, not looking to make this, rather sell it after a few drafts or show it as a writing sample to a client) Thanks a lot!

Best,
Trent

p.s. sorry for the bad formatting. when i pasted it into the post it got messed up.



INT. SEEDY NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Cole Miller’s hands enter into frame and refill the water glasses for a rich couple, late twenties, the same age as him. They chat to each other, oblivious to Cole’s presence.

Cole
Anything else I can get for you?

They don’t hear him. Cole stands awkwardly for a moment, thinking if he should ask again. Instead, he slinks away.

ON STAGE

In front of a crowd of feasting club patrons, a magician puts a sheet over a dove’s cage. He pulls back the sheet.

MAGICIAN
Wahlah!

And the dove is gone. The crowd “ooh’s” in delight. Behind his back, the magician slips the dove into a hole in his coat.

IN THE KITCHEN

Cole dries off plates with Juan, 25, one of the other bus boys. WALTER, the club manager, brings a plate in from the dining area.

WALTER
This plate is not ****ing clean!

He glares at Cole and Juan, dumps the plate in a nearby sink, and walks out, too busy to start any verbal roasting. Juan and Cole resume drying dishes.

JUAN
I think me and some of the servers are goin out for drinks tonight at Sandy’s. You wanna come with?

COLE
Thanks. But I’m just gonna lay low tonight.

JUAN
You sure you don’t want to do something different?

Cole sighs.

COLE
No. But thanks.

Cole dries off another plate as he looks through the serving shelves at a girl sitting by herself in one of the booths. Juan sees where he’s looking at.

JUAN
She’s been glancing at her watch now for the past twenty minutes. Who’d ever stand a girl up like that, I don’t know.

Carlos, one of the other servers walks past.

CARLOS
Talkin’ about that mamacita over there?

JUAN
Whatup dawg.

Carlos continues out of the kitchen.

JUAN
(to Cole)
It’s my section, but you can go over there if you want.

COLE
Well. That’s okay.

JUAN
She’s your type. Strong and silent.

COLE
I wouldn’t know what to say, Juan.

JUAN
Well just fill her glass up then, I’m takin’ a cigarette break.

Juan flings his drying towel on the counter and walks out. Cole eyes the girl.

He takes the water pitcher off the tray table and walks over.

AT GIRL’s TABLE

He pours her some water. The girl is lost in thought.

COLE
Good evening.

The girl looks up, hopeful. She realizes it’s just the busboy and sighs.

GIRL
Oh thanks.

COLE
Yea sure.

He lingers awkwardly for a moment.

AT THE SERVING SHELVES

Juan watches him from behind the shelves.

AT TABLE

COLE
So you waiting for someone?

GIRL
(disinterested)
Yea, my ******* date.

COLE
(caught off guard)
Yea that happens sometimes.

GIRL
Not to me. Nobody stands me up.

Awkward pause as Cole thinks of something to say.

COLE
Well I’m sure you’re hungry. We got a lot of good food on the menu if you want to have something to eat while you wait.

The girl pauses and looks at him.

GIRL
What is that supposed to mean?

COLE
(taken aback)
Sorry I didn’t mean to-

GIRL
(interrupting)
-Don’t you have other tables you need to take care of?

She glares at him. Cole turns and walks back to the serving shelves.

AT SHELVES

Juan hustles to look as if he wasn’t paying attention.

COLE
Yea Juan, whatever.

Juan laughs.

JUAN
It’s alright, they never go for busboys.

CARLOS (O.C)
They go for me!

JUAN
Yea, well besides you, Carlos!
(to Cole) People in this joint think they got too much class to be messin’ around with us.

Carlos walks in.

CARLOS
I don’t know. I’ve had a fair share of the rich woman. Single, lonely. Lookin’ for adventure. They got a wild side they don’t want you to see. (off their looks) Seriously, they got some blood pumpin’ through their veins. It just starts with a look, you know? That’s all you gotta give. Once you give that look. She knows you want her. You know she wants you. Slip her a number and from there, BAM! Rich ***** does have it’s perks, I tell you. (licking his lips) Mmmmhmmm.

COLE
Yea, well I have yet to see that side of any of the women here that’s for sure.

CARLOS
Or anywhere probably. Am I right?

COLE
Well I-

CARLOS
Well look at you. Pale, white, scrawny and creepy. You need to start liftin’. Get yourself into shape

COLE
(tongue-tied)
Creepy?

CARLOS
Well not creepy, but you know what I mean. Just mysterious. You got that look about you like you’re always thinkin’ about somethin’ else.

JUAN
Don’t be an ass, Carlos.

Carlos looks at Juan. Then looks at Cole.

CARLOS
Sorry bud. Didn’t mean it. We cool?

COLE
Yea we’re cool, Carlos.

CARLOS
Cool man.

He pats Cole on the shoulder and walks by him.

ON STAGE - LATER

The magician has just finished sawing an attractive lady in half in a box. He puts the box back together and the young woman steps out of the box in one piece.

MAGICIAN
Thank you lovely Linda. We’ll be seeing each other after the show, won’t we?

The girl blushes as she walks off stage. The audience laughs.

AT THE GIRL’S TABLE

She still sits by herself. She is picking at a salad. Juan comes over with a pitcher of water.

FROM THE SERVING SHELVES Cole watches Juan lay his game down.

Juan makes some small chat. The girl laughs, brushes his arm.

JUAN
Oh, c’mon now!

GIRL
No, I’m serious! Really!

BACK AT SHELVES Juan comes back, trying to hold back a smile.

JUAN
She said I should be a movie star.

CARLOS
That’s what I always said.

Jaun pauses and stares at Carlos.

JUAN
She’s coming out with us tonight?

CARLOS
Alright, my man! Way to go!

They high-five.

Cole, drying plates intensely, tries to ignore them.


EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

Carlos, Juan, the girl, and Cole all walk out the doors of the nightclub and to their cars.

JUAN
You sure you don’t want to come?

Cole hesitates.

COLE
Yea, thanks. I’m just – I’m tired. So I’m just gonna. I think um. I can’t miss this tv show.

CARLOS
(already walking off, he yells behind him)
Alright dude, later!

JUAN
See ya.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

The only car on the road, Cole’s old jalopy putters down the wet night city streets. Steam rises up through the manholes. It swirls around Cole’s car as he drives through it.

INT. CAR – NIGHT

Inside the car is pure rage and energy. Cole has worked himself up into a ball of emotions. He mutters to himself furiously. He tilts the rearview mirror to see his reflection.

COLE
Pathetic Cole! Pathetic! You **** up! You loser! You nobody! You ****ing nobody!

He slaps himself in the face.

COLE
Snap out of it, you ****!

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

The jalopy continues down the empty night street. The calmness and stillness of the street contrasts sharply to what’s going on inside the car.


INT. COLE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

An empty apartment waits for the arrival of it’s tenant. Paint is peeling off the walls. A leaky sink faucet drips down on to dirty dishes. Crumbs are scattered everywhere. This place would take a year to fix up.

Footsteps come trudging up the stairs outside. The jingle of keys is heard, followed by the turn of locks and finally the door creaks open and Cole steps into his apartment, tired and worn out. The frenzy is over. All that is left is exhaustion.

He makes his way into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator.

He knifes peanut butter and jelly onto two slices of bread and slaps them together.

LIVING ROOM - LATER

He plops down on a beat-up sofa, reaches for the remote and turns on the television which flickers to life after a few moments. A flips the channels before landing on “Wheel of Fortune”. Familiar comfort relaxes him and he reclines back on the couch, eating his PB & J.

BEDROOM - LATER

He walks into his bedroom and kicks off his shoes. He lays in bed and pulls the covers up. As he’s about to close his eyes, a blinking red light catches his eye. It’s coming from his answering machine. The light blinks “1 message”. He presses play.

ANSWERING MACHINE
You have one message.

GARTH
(on machine, reluctant)
Cole (pause) Your mother. Your mother died today. Stroke I think, they said. Anyway (pause) I’m going to be at the house tomomrrow to claim the estate. My lawyer said I should give you a call because it would be good will and all. So here I am, givin’ you a call. (pause) I’m sorry if you feel screwed out of the deal, Cole. But I think it’s much better this way, for me and for you. But (pause) anyway you might want to meet me tomorrow just to sign whatever needs to be signed and you know, say goodbye and all that stuff. (Garth sighs) Alright bud, later.

The phone clicks off.

ANSWERING MACHINE
End of message.

Cole sighs, rolls over, and goes to sleep.


EXT. COUNTRY ROAD – DAY

Cole’s car climbs up a winding country road to the top of a hill, upon which rests a gothic-looking house.

EXT. HOUSE – DAY

Cole pulls up on the gravel driveway. GARTH, a large man in a plaid shirt and overalls swaggers over to Cole’s old car. In his hand is a bunch of papers stapled together.

GARTH
Hey buddy. Sorry about this and all.

COLE
You’re not getting this house, Garth.

GARTH
(whatever)
**** you, I’m not! This woman owes me for all the **** she put me through, especially having to raise a brat like you.

COLE
You didn’t raise me.

GARTH
**** you, I didn’t! This woman was a boring old hag. She couldn’t raise you. You pretty much turned out the same way as her, just a ****in’ shut-in with no life.

COLE
**** off, Garth!

Garth slaps him in the face to put him in his place. Cole storms out of the car and heads for the front porch

GARTH
Where you goin’ bud?

INT. OLD HOUSE – DAY

Cole stomps into the front foyer and pauses. He takes in the stillness of the place. It’s dusty and has been for years. It looks like the woman died years ago, not yesterday.

We see Cole rummaging around the house, looking at different things, always a passive observer of his mother’s life.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

He dusts off a portrait of him in his grade school uniform.

IN THE STUDY

He takes in the sight of hundreds of little knick-knacks, mostly knitting accessories – needles, spools of yarn, old sowing machines.

IN THE ATTIC

Dozens of boxes are stacked all around him. They form an aisle. He slowly opens the boxes, just peeking around for remnants of his mother’s life.

In one box he finds an old antique wooden box. The box has intricate gold designs all over it. He tries to open it, but it’s locked. Suddenly, he’s very curious. He rummages around the box for a key to fit the lock, and he finds one.

He quickly inserts the key and opens the box. Inside is an antique ventriloquist dummy. It’s dressed in a tuxedo and has a gentlemanly look. He stares at it with curiosity. Why would this be locked up?

He takes the dummy out of the box and holds it up. He slides his hand in the back of the dummy. Dust falls out from inside.

He brings the dummy over to a vanity mirror, covered in cobwebs, and talks in the mirror while holding the dummy up.

COLE
Well hello there.

He moves the dummy’s mouth.

COLE
(being dummy)
Hello.

His movements are awkward, but he finds himself strangely amused by it.


INT. COLE’s BEDROOM – NIGHT

Cole sets the dummy on a chair in his room. He takes a rag and dusts off the dummy. He looks at it for a moment and then gets into bed, still keeping his eyes fixed on the dummy until he drifts off to sleep.


INT. NIGHTCLUB – EVENING

Cole takes dishes off a table, his thoughts preoccupied. A magician on stage pulls a rabbit out of hat. He looks up on stage to see the magician grinning at the audience.

MAGICIAN
It’s magic!


INT. COLE’s BEDROOM – DAY

Cole cautiously takes the dummy from the chair and puts his hand inside, hoping to discover a new world of some sort.

He walks over to a dresser mirror where he tries to talk with the dummy in his hands. The mouth movements of the dummy don’t exactly sync up and his own lips can’t hide his words very well.

COLE AS DUMMY
Hey what’s your name?

COLE
Cole.

COLE AS DUMMY
How’s it going Cole.

COLE
(reluctant to answer his own question)
Mmmm, Could be better.

COLE AS DUMMY
What’s wrong?

COLE
Mmmm, I don’t know.

Cole pauses. Bored already and depressed by his own question.

COLE
This sucks.

He tosses the dummy down.


INT. NIGHTCLUB – EVENING

IN KITCHEN

Juan
(to Cole)
Table 25 needs cleared.

IN DINING AREA

Cole walks out to table 25 and starts putting away dishes. Behind him, Walter is showing around a new waitress.

WALTER
Alright, so this will be your section when you come in tomorrow. And don’t worry, it’s your first day. Don’t be nervous, mistakes are aloud.

As he puts glasses into a plastic container, Cole looks behind him to see the new girl, RACHEL. She doesn’t wear makeup and has a timid way about her, contrasted with Walter, who’s very large and verbose. Cole’s not looking at the glasses and one of them drops and SHATTERS on the ground. Walter zeroes in on the noise and walks up to Cole, while Rachel watches.

WALTER
Cole, you have ****ed up too many times to be dropping glasses. That’s a half-day’s pay coming out of your next check, you jerk!

COLE
Sorry Walter.

WALTER
You better be sorry.

Walter gets in his face, edging him up against the table.

WALTER
And the next time –

He’s interrupted by another crash as another glass falls off the table.

WALTER
Goddammit! Get the **** out of here. I’m docking you a day’s pay.

COLE
I’m sorr-

WALTER
(interrupting)
-Yea, I know you are. Get out of my sight.

He walks away. Rachel watches him go, looking at him with a sympathetic eye.

WALTER
(yelling after him)
And don’t come into work tomorrow!

Walter trails off at the end, realizing he’s disturbing the customers. He looks around at them, embarrassed.

WALTER
Sorry folks. (to Rachel) This guy’s always screwing up. I try to give the less fortunate a fair chance and help them out when I can, but sometimes I just don’t know if it’s worth it, ya know what I’m sayin?

Rachel nods shyly.

INT. CAR – NIGHT

Cole fumes with anger and mutters furiously to himself.


INT. COLE’s APARTMENT - NIGHT

Cole walks in and slams the door behind him. He paces around.

COLE
When is this **** going to stop?

He goes to the fridge and pours himself a glass of milk. He takes a sip before throwing it in the sink and SHATTERING it.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Heading toward the bathroom, Cole eyes the dummy, lying on the bedroom floor. He continues into the bathroom and shuts the door. After a few moments, he opens the bathroom door again and picks up the dummy.

COLE
Why can’t I get anything right?

He puts his hand in the dummy.

COLE AS DUMMY
Because you’re a **** up, Cole! A **** up!

All of a sudden, Cole realizes how smoothly he said those words as the dummy. His lips hardly had to move at all.

COLE
Walter is an *******, isn’t he?

COLE AS DUMMY
He sure is. That fat greasy pig has it coming to him.

COLE
I have an idea.

INT. NIGHTCLUB – EVENING

Cole struts in through the front door of the nightclub, carrying the dummy with him. Juan, clearing off dishes, catches him and runs over.

JUAN
What are you doing here man? Do you wanna get fired?

Cole, undeterred, keeps walking straight THROUGH THE KITCHEN leaving Juan behind.

Carlos walks over to Juan

CARLOS
Is he quitting?

INT. OUTSIDE THE DOOR TO MANAGER’S OFFICE

Cole knocks on the door. There’s no answer for a moment. He knocks again. Walter opens the door. Rachel is in his office behind him, looking nervous.

WALTER
Look, can’t you see I’m – (seeing it’s Cole) Cole! What are you doing here, I thought I told you to take the day off.

COLE
I wanted to show you something. It might be good for the club. Good for business.

WALTER
(suspicious, intrigued)
What do you got in your hand there?

He grabs the dummy out of Cole’s hands and holds it up.

WALTER
A dummy? (confused) You a ventrilogist?

COLE
Well yea, I’ve been practicing at home and I-

WALTER
(interrupting)
You any good?

COLE
Well I can show you.

WALTER
Make it fast, then get out. Don’t be wasting my time.

INT. OFFICE

Cole sits in a chair with the dummy, across the desk from Walter. Standing in a corner on Walter’s side is Rachel. Cole eyes Rachel, then begins to work the dummy.

COLE
(clears throat)
Well, umm, hey there dummy.

COLE AS DUMMY
(obviously mouthing words)
Hey Cole. Wanna see a trick I learned?

COLE
(knows he sucks)
Well sur-

WALTER
What the **** is this?

COLE
(to Walter)
Just hold on, I had it before.

WALTER
Get the **** outta here. Leave. Now. You’re worthless.

COLE AS DUMMY
(mouthing really well suddenly)
Ah ****, Cole. What’s this. I told you it wouldn’t work, Cole. You’re worthless, Cole worthless! You know you can’t do anything right! Walter’s gonna kick your ****ing ass, what are you gonna do about it?

Walter and Rachel are both taken aback. They both crack smiles, though Walter’s is more of a greedy grin.

WALTER
I think you might finally have a useful skill for this club, Cole.


EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

The marquee outside the club doors reads “VENTRILOQUIST ACT TONIGHT!”

INT. NIGHTCLUB STAGE – NIGHT

Cole waits behind a closed curtain. He sits on a stool and holds the dummy on his lap. He looks over his cue cards in the faint light, shaking and sweating nervously. His sweaty fingers smear the ink on the cards.

Suddenly, the curtain raises and Cole is in the spotlight. He looks at the faces in the eager crowd and holds up the dummy.

COLE
My name’s Cole Miller. This is my, umm, my friend, his name’s Dummy.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
What kind of a name is that?

Cole hears this, but continues.

COLE
So dummy, heard any good jokes lately?

COLE AS DUMMY
(mouthing poorly)
Why did the golfer wear two pair of pants?

COLE
I don’t know, why did he?

COLE AS DUMMY
In case he got a hole-in-one.

The audience is silent. A couple people chuckle. Cole fidgets and adjusts the dummy on his lap. He looks down at his notecards.

COLE AS DUMMY
Here’s another one. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

COLE
I don’t know, why not?

COLE AS DUMMY
He didn’t have enough guts.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
This guy doesn’t have enough anything.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3
This guy sucks.

Cole’s sweating profusely.

COLE AS DUMMY
Okay, I got another one. Why do you suck so bad?

COLE
Hey! I don’t suck!

COLE AS DUMMY
You’ve gotten like two chuckles since you’ve been up here. Get the hell off the stage. Let me take over for ya, bud.

The audience is starting to get into it.

COLE
What’s going on here?

COLE AS DUMMY
A lot of sucking is going on here.

COLE
Who’s sucking? Do I suck?

COLE AS DUMMY
Yea, you suck. You know who else sucks.

COLE
Stop right there.

COLE AS DUMMY
Walter our manager. What a slime bucket. You know that ****er slurps the damn grease out of the pans at the end of the day?

Walter is stunned. There’s a silent pause before the audience breaks out in laugher. The dummy is alive and animated while Cole seems just a helpless bystander, but also probably the best ventriloquist in history.

COLE
Stop!

COLE AS DUMMY
Yea, I’ve seen him eat right off the customer’s plates. That fat pig!

The audience laughs. Cole is mortified and confused by what he's saying through the dummy.

IN THE BACK

Walter gets red in the face with anger and rushes toward the front. Rachel gets nervous about the situation. Juan and Carlos are in disbelief

Juan
(in a whisper)
Go Cole.

ON STAGE

COLE AS DUMMY
You know what pisses me off?

COLE
I really don’t want to know.

SIDE STAGE

Walter, stumbling towards backstage, yells to the techy.

WALTER
Close the curtain! Close the curtain!

ON STAGE

The curtain abruptly closes on Cole. He’s left in the dark. He looks at the dummy.

COLE
****. What the hell did you just do, Cole?

Just then, he’s thrown off his stool. Walter and two bouncers are with him.

WALTER
You little schmuck. I gave you a chance of a lifetime.

Walter snatches the dummy out of Cole’s hands and throws it to the ground. He stomps on its face, trying to break it.

COLE
Hey!

The bouncers move toward him. Cole recedes. The boss continues trying to break the dummy. He jumps up and down on it.

WALTER
Goddammit, what is this thing made of?

He gives up.

WALTER
Hold him.

The bouncers take Cole by each arm. Walter rolls up his sleeves.

COLE
Hey, c’mon.

Walter lands a RIGHT HOOK square to Cole’s jaw. Then a LEFT HOOK to his eye. He backs off and takes a breath. Cole is bleeding. He spits out a tooth.

WALTER
Take this schmuck outta here.
Make sure he remembers not to
come back ever again.

The bouncers grab Cole by each arm and drag him away. He passes over the dummy and manages to swipe it up on his way by it.

As the bouncers drag Cole out a side door, he catches a glimpse of Rachel in the dining area. She looks over to him, being dragged out. The door closes and she is gone.

EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT

BOUNCER #1
Alright buddy. This is so you remember.

He takes a swing at Cole and we CUT TO BLACK


INT. COLE’s APARTMENT – NIGHT

The apartment lies in wait. The faucet drips. The paint peels. We hear footsteps coming up a staircase, followed by the jingle of keys, and the turn of the door locks. Cole stumbles into his apartment and throws the dummy on the couch. He limps to the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Cole checks the damage in the mirror. Both eyes are swollen, almost shut. His nose is crooked and he has a gash on his forehead.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

The answering machine blinks one message. Cole presses play.

ANSWERING MACHINE
You have one message. Beep!

GARTH
Hey ****er, just letting you know that I’ve gone to a lawyer. He says we can override your signature. Ummm, so in two days I’m just gonna go over to the bank and he said they could sign over the property directly to me. So yea, it’s gonna work out. (he sighs) Later ****er.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

From the couch, Cole switches on the television. The dummy lies next to him.

ON THE TELEVISION is “Wheel of Fortune”. Everyone’s having a great time. The guests are laughing and making jokes. Cole CLICKS to a different channel. A late-night talk show host is performing a standup routine to a laughing audience. CLICK. A clown juggles bowling pins. CLICK. He turns the television off.

He picks the dummy off the couch and gets up. He walks to a window, slides it open, and tosses the dummy four flights down into an open dumpster in the alley.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Cole tosses in his sleep.


IN HAZY IMAGES WE SEE

POV THROUGH DUMMY’S EYES – We are up close to Cole and looking at him from his lap as he stutters through the routine he did earlier that night. FLASH! THE DUMMY TURNS TO THE AUDIENCE who’s laughing hysterically. FLASH! THE DUMMY sees Walter’s FOOT coming down on his eye repeatedly. FLASH!

INT. ALLEY BEHIND NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

POV THROUGH DUMMY’S EYES hiding behind a dumpster, we see Walter exiting the nightclub to an alley and locking the door behind him. He strolls down to his car, whistling to himself. THROUGH DUMMY’s POV we follow behind him, getting closer and closer until we are right behind him. Walter turns and yells.

WALTER
What the ****! Ahhh!

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Cole wakes up, panicked and sweating profusely.


INT. KITCHEN – LATE MORNING

Cole pours milk into a bowl of cocoa puffs. Behind him in the living room, the news is on television.

ANCHOR
42 year old Walter Hill was found brutally murdered last night in an alley behind the nightclub at which he worked.

Cole turns to the television, stunned.

ANCHOR (cont.)
Investigators say there are no suspects at the moment. Stay tuned for further details.

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. Cole panics.

He looks through the peephole and sees a detective, flanked by two city police officers.

COLE
****.

He opens the door to them.

INT. STAIRWELL – CONTINUOUS

DETECTIVE
Cole Miller?

COLE
Yes.

DETECTIVE
Hi, I’m Detective Larsons with the Cape City Police Department I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about your whereabouts last night.

COLE
Well I was just sleeping the whole night.

DETECTIVE
Mr. Miller, Walter Hill, your former boss was murdered last night. We have reports saying that you and Walter Hill had an altercation earlier in the night. Is this true?

COLE
Yes, but-

DETECTIVE
-So you admit you had an altercation with Walter Hill. Mr. Miller, we’re going to want to bring you in to the station for questioning.

COLE
Umm, I said I was here.

DETECTIVE
Yes, we heard you say tha—

Just then, the detective is interrupted by MRS. JEFFERSON, an old lady hobbling slowly down the stairwell.

MRS. JEFFERSON
Thank goodness somebody called the police on you, Mr. Miller! Making all that racket at two in the morning! I hardly got a moment’s sleep, dagnabbit!

The detective shuffles, uneasily, his foot in his mouth. He eyes Cole, frustated. Mrs. Jefferson continues past them and hobbles down the next flight of stairs.

DETECTIVE
Well I guess you were here last night, Mr. Miller. Sorry for the disturbance.

COLE
It’s alright.

DETECTIVE
Good day.

The detective walks down the stairs, flanked by the two cops. Cole yells after Mrs. Jefferson.

COLE
Thank you Mrs. Jefferson!

INT. COLE’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Cole closes the door and exhales a heavy breath, relieved. The relief on his face is quickly replaced by worry and utter confusion. He goes to the window looks out the treet to see the dectective and the police officers pulling away in their vehicles.

He then runs to the window in the living room and looks down to the dumpster. The dummy is gone.


EXT. NIGHTCLUB – DAY

Cole parks his car across the street from the club entrance and, wearing a hooded sweatshirt, crosses the street to the club.

EXT. ALLEY BY CLUB – DAY

Cole walks to the corner of the building and peeks into the alley. Some detectives are marking the grounds and going through trash. He ducks back and a hand taps him on the shoulder. He swirls around and comes face to face with the dummy – though it’s being held up by Juan.

JAUN
I found it on the stage this morning when I came in.

COLE
Jesus, you scared me.

JUAN
No bull****, Cole. Did you have anything to do with Walter’s death?

COLE
No, I was at home. The police already talked to me.

Juan eyes Cole suspiciously.

COLE
I didn’t do it, I swear.

JUAN
If you didn’t do it, who did?

COLE
Why would I know?

JUAN
You know something.

COLE
I know nothing. Leave me alone.

Cole takes off across the street, back to his car. Juan yells after him.

JUAN
You know something!


EXT. STREET – DAY

Cole’s car putters down the street.


INT. COLE’s APARTMENT – DAY

Key’s jingle, locks turn, the door opens. Cole walks inside, carrying the dummy. He SLAMS the door shut behind him and leans up against it.

COLE
Somebody help me.

He starts to cry.

COLE
Somebody help me. Somebody help me. Somebody help me. Somebody…help…me.

He collapses on the ground.

COLE
What the hell is going on?

He holds up the dummy.

COLE
What are you? Talk to me! Talk to me!

The dummy stares back at him blankly, a smirk on its happy face.

COLE
I said talk to me, Goddammit!

He paces around with the dummy.

COLE
I didn’t kill Walter, I didn’t kill Walter. Did I? Did I kill Walter?

He starts to pace back and forth around the living room, holding the dummy.

COLE
Where was I last night?

His hand is inside the dummy. Small movements come from the dummy’s mouth everytime Cole speaks.

COLE
Where were you last night?

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

He walks into the bathroom and turns on the sink with one hand. With the same hand he cups his hand under the faucet and splashes water on his face. Steam rises up from the sink and fogs up part of the mirror. He wipes it off to get a good look at himself.

COLE
Who are you? Who am I? (holding up dummy)
Who are you?

COLE AS DUMMY
Who am I?

Cole stands the dummy up and takes his hand out. The dummy stays standing and looks at Cole in the mirror.

COLE/DUMMY
Oh my god! What the **** are you?!!

Cole looks at the dummy in the mirror and screams, the dummy also looking in the mirror, screams. Four sets of eyes all screaming at each other.

COLE/DUMMY
Ahhhh!

The dummy trembles back and forth. Cole faints and falls down, hitting his head on the tile floor.

FADE OUT

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

FADE IN

Cole opens his eyes slowly, in a daze.

COLE’S POV – HAZY view of a large crack in the ceiling of the bathroom, running down to the wall and hitting the floor.

Cole groans and tries to get up.

COLE’S POV – HAZY view of his hands trying to get a firm hold on the tile floor to pull himself up. He slips and falls back down. His view goes back toward the crack in the ceiling. He groans again. Suddenly, the dummy JUMPS into frame, looking right at Cole.

DUMMY
Hey buddy!

COLE
Whoa! Help!

DUMMY
Cole! Stop Cole! Get a hold of yourself you freak!

Cole’s terrified. He runs out of the bathroom. The dummy gives chase.

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Cole runs for the door, the dummy bites his ankles, making him fall. He then blocks the exit. Cole is too afraid of the dummy to try to get past him.

DUMMY
You can’t go outside, Cole!

Cole scrambles to get away from the dummy. He goes to the opposite side of the living room.

COLE
What are you?

DUMMY
I’m everything that terrifies you. I’m your worst thoughts. Your nightmares. Your paranoias.

COLE
All wrapped up into one, huh?

DUMMY
Your fears were too much for you to handle, so you projected them into me. Now that’s all I am.

COLE
This is freaking me out. You’re not real.

DUMMY
Technically, I’m not anything but the pure negative energy that used to be inside you.

COLE
Did you kill Walter?

DUMMY
Is that a rhetorical question?

Cole has a blank stare.

DUMMY (CONT.)
You’re hate was too much for you to bear so you passed it into me while you slept.

COLE
Tell me why I shouldn’t get rid of you right now.

DUMMY
Because you simply can’t get rid of me, Cole. We’re one in the same. I’m here to help you though, so don’t worry. With me, you’ll never have to worry again. I can solve all your problems and you’ll never have to worry about getting caught.

COLE
What are you talking about? Killing more people? I won’t let you do that. That’s not how we solve problems. That’s not how I solve problems.

DUMMY
But admit it. That’s how you want to solve your problems. You just want to get rid of anything that you don’t like.

COLE
You mean, like you?

DUMMY
You can’t get rid of me, Cole. I already told you that.

COLE
Why can’t I?

DUMMY
Because it’s not in you to do that. It’s in you to understand. I try to destroy. You try to understand. That’s the difference between me and you. Admit it. Even right now, you are too curious about me to get rid of me. You don’t want to kill me. Killing me would be killing a part of yourself.

COLE
A part of myself that I hate.

DUMMY
But a part of yourself that you want to stop hating and start loving.

COLE
How could I ever love you, much less even live with you.

DUMMY
You’ve been doing it all your life. Just never quite like this. And knowing I’m gonna stick around, you better learn to love me or else I’m gonna make you miserable.

COLE
Like I already am?

DUMMY
Precisely.

The phone RINGS

COLE
Who could that be?

It RINGS again

DUMMY
Who’s the only person that ever calls you?

The machine picks up.

COLE ON MACHINE
Hey Garth, it’s Cole. Leave a Message.

GARTH ON MACHINE
Hey buddy. Hope you got a good lawyer to meet with us tomorrow because mine’s the best in town. I’ll see you in court, ****er.

The dummy looks to Cole.

DUMMY
We need to **** him up.

COLE
No, we don’t. I won’t do it!

DUMMY
Never fear, Cole. That’s why you got me.

COLE
No! You’re not going to do it!

DUMMY
I will if you don’t stop me.

The dummy gets up and heads into the kitchen.

COLE
What are you doing?

He hears a cabinet opening and walks around the corner to the kitchen. The dummy LUNGES at him with a frying pan and hits Cole over the head, knocking him out COLD. Cole falls to the floor and hits his head on the ground.

DUMMY
Sucker.

He drops the frying pan and heads over to the front door. He’s barely able to reach the doorknob and turn it. He gets it, the door opens and the dummy walks out, shutting the door behind him.


EXT. ALLEY – EVENING

The dummy walks through an alley of the city. A cat hisses at him. He hisses back and the cat runs away. The dummy keeps walking down the alley until he walks by a homeless drug addict about to give himself an injection. The addict looks at the dummy, rubs his eyes and shakes his head. He looks at the needle he was about to put into his arm.

DUMMY
Do it!

DRUG ADDICT
Ah!

He takes the needle out of his arm and throws it away from him.

MONTAGE

The dummy walks through different alleys of the city.


INT. GARTH’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Garth, in a wife beater, boxers, and black socks, sits watching television. Beer and slobber dribble down his chin.

He takes another sip of his beer and finishes it off, trying to shake out every last drop.

He gets up from the couch with his empty beer and walks into his kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

Garth opens the fridge to get another beer. He reaches deep into the back to get one. He closes the door. Just as he closes it, the dummy appears behind the fridge door, poised to attack with a big steak knife.

DUMMY
Hey Garth!

Garth turns, startled. He grasps his heart.

GARTH
What the—MMMphhh! Arggh!

He clutches his heart and falls to the ground. The dummy pauses, still poised with the steak knife, his expression turned to dissapointment.

DUMMY
Aww, what a bummer.


_____________________________________________
To repeat: THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW:
Does it make you want to read more? Do you get a feeling of where it is going? Are you intrigued? How is the pacing. Are there moments that aren't clear? Story aside, how is the actual writing (descriptions, dialogue, etc.) Looking for good criticism from you guys.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Trenterino,

I'm sorry, but do you really expect someone to read all of this? Posting maybe a scene or so would attract a FEW readers. Most people don't have the time to sit down and give your script (or anyone else's) special attention, which is why few people who post screenplays here don't get the amount of feedback they desire. There are too many people writing and sharing scripts to give the amount of individual attention that you're asking for. If I were you, I would just write the damn thing according to your own standards. Read it over and over again yourself, change what YOU think needs to be changed. If you want to post a piece of dialogue or a scene, that would be more reasonable. You may even be able to get a teacher to read it.

I'm not trying be discouraging in any way. I'm just saying that YOU need to make some decisions about your work. We're always here to help each other out, but sometimes there's just too much to look at. Also, if you haven't already, I would do some research on the net. There are tons of great sites that give tips on screenwriting.

Good Luck!

watch your formatting. even if you move from the Kitchen to the dining room you need "INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT"

Also get right into the story. Less is better. After 5 or 6 pages i still had no idea what i was reading about.

cut out all the BS, trim the fat, get to the good stuff.

Mark said it best, only you know what you wanna see.

thanks for the good feedback so far. i will look for a way to add more conflict/direction to the beginning or condense it. Yes, I DO know what I want but I want to make sure that it gets across well to readers. I want to make the "gap" between me and the reader as small as possible so that they think the story is as interesting as I do. And I don't really expect most people to read the whole thing or read it at all, but i figure it can't hurt to at least post it up for that one bored person who might want to read the whole thing.