Hey everyone, I'm new to the boards but I've already submitted a short film with my co-director Brandon Mastromartino into the "Road" festival here on StudentFilms.com. I have a basic idea for a short movie that I'd like to make but it'd be great to hear some opinions on it as it's my first major project.

Here it is:

Kids playing baseball game, BROCK hits home run, ball goes through window of old, decrepit
house. Kids leave to go home, leaving BROCK and AMANDA there by themselves (brother and
sister). BROCK says ball has sentimental value because Dad gave it to him and is now
deceased. AMANDA agrees to help him get it back because she knows how hard the move has
been (moved because of Dad's death) and how much the ball means to him. They walk down the
sidewalk towards the house, see a boy playing by the curb in front of the house. LITTLE BOY
warns them not to go in the house and that it is haunted. They ignore him, knock on door,
no answer. Door opens with knock, they say hello, no answer. BROCK and AMANDA walk in, door
shuts behind them. BROCK reassures AMANDA that it was just the "wind". They try to open the
door but no luck. AMANDA says that she remembers that she saw an open window upstairs and
tells BROCK to look for ball. AMANDA walks up stairs, and BROCK continues to look for ball.
He hears a noise coming from the basement, and mumbles to himself that the ball might have
gone through a lower window. BROCK decides to go check. Back to AMANDA who is walking into
a room, where she thinks the open window might be. She notices a picture frame on the
dresser and picks it up. It is the picture of the LITTLE BOY and very old..she stares
transfixed at it. Cuts back to BROCK, who finds his ball and jogs back up the stairs. He
yells to AMANDA as he goes up that he's found his ball and they can leave now. He hears
nothing, so he calls again. No answer, he runs up the stairs, anxiety kicking in. He opens
a door, sees nothing, and as he is about to move on AMANDA jumps at him and starts to
viciously attack him. Confused, he trys to ask her what's wrong and attempts to deflect her
attacks. Grabs her and yells at her to stop, but she breaks away and kicks him down the
stairs, his body tumbling with a sickening crunch as it hit the floor. AMANDA runs down the
stairs, and her face turns pale. She starts to scream as she sees the dead, lifeless form
of her brother at the bottom of the stairs. AMANDA steps over BROCK's body, and rushes to a
phone, picks it up and trys to dial 9-1-1. LITTLE BOY appears and informs her that she can
not leave. She screams and runs into the basement, hides in a corner, sobbing. Her back is
to the wall and as she sobs, a pair of hands reach out of the darkness and slowly wrap
around her neck. Voices start to call to her, "Help me!" and spirits are seen rising from
the basement floor. Zooms out with AMANDA screaming and hands closing in around her neck.

Well, that's what I have so far. I still need a way to end it, but I'm not sure of a shot that would wrap it up. Endings are important to me, because I've seen a lot of bad endings to great movies recently. I'll be using Final Draft when I actually start to write the script. If anyone could offer their ideas and opinions it'd be greatly appreciated.

Kegan Sant

I personally don't like short horror films and most of them don't work. The problem with yours is that everything is too quick. Nothing builds up the suspense. This is obviously because you have limited time to work with. I would try and push the time, make it over 15 min, that way you can show backstory to characters and the house.

What you have so far is not bad, it's just too fast. Horror films need to build up, yours just gets right into it.

Consider this. Start with a memory of the boy and his father. Make that a daydream when he is playing baseball. You can use this daydream so that while he was having it, he was not paying attention and the ball went into the house. Have a little confrontation, which ends up with the boy and girl going to the house. They see the little boy, go in the house. Keep it the same, but as the spirits are terrorizing the girl, cut to the boy. Somehow make him realize the truth about the house, and then save the girl. Mabye have a little shocker with that boy, and then you can end it however you like. Maybe the child is his brother, his fathers murderer, whatever. I really have no clue.

Okay, thats not a bad idea. The only reason I thought of making it a short..was well, I'm not entirely sure. It doesn't have to be a short, it can be longer. You're right though, developing the idea more would make the story flow better.

What if...
The house was haunted by the kid's father, who is using the ball to lead him to clues to find his murderer?

Though telling this and taking it somewhere will definitely take more than 15 minutes...

E.

That's okay and not a bad way to look at it. It seems like I have many options in how to approach this film. I don't have a strict timeline, or even one at all. I'd just like to turn this idea into a film. If the house was haunted by the kid's father, why would no one be home? Just an abandoned house? Or maybe it is a house that's been sold and the new owners haven't moved in yet.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Kegan,

That's yet another element for you to play around with...
Want a simpler plot? Then the house is abandoned...

Want another plot line? Have the new owners move in as the story develops... who are they? do they interact with the kids? do they know what's in the basement? Does the audience know?

Maybe they're not entirely new... Maybe it's an old lady who's lived there for as long as anyone can remember... Maybe she's the murderer's mother...

And that's it from me... anything else counts as an original script credit!!

Best of luck with your film, and of course, should you need original music for it...

E.

Whoa that was a hell of a response, thank you very much. You've given me a lot of ideas to play around with. I think I might go simpler as this is my first major project. I will need original music for it I think, and maybe if you have time you'd be able to help with some development of the plot (of course credit will be given where due) I will PM you about this.

I will be posting an updated synopsis of my movie, but I'm pretty sure this is going to be a longer movie and not a short film. Thanks for the ideas guys.

Here is the new updated idea. I like the beginning and the end, I just need to beef up the middle. I've decided it won't be a short and if anyone wants to offer ideas I'd really appreciate it. If you think your idea is worthy of a writing credit, and I decide to use it PM me and I will make sure you get credited.

• Memory flashbacks:
Dialogue = Mother and father fighting, father and son fight
• Baseball game:
Dialogue = background (cheering, game sounds), Brock and Amanda talk to other kids once ball is hit into the house, Brock and Amanda decide to enter the house to get ball (bg. on ball)
• Lawn Scene:
Dialogue = Brock and Amanda are warned by little boy not to enter the house, Brock or Amanda convinces the other that it will be fine
• House (together):
Dialogue = both talk about spookiness of house or other speech once entering, Brock reassures Amanda of the wind causing the door to close, dialogue between the two when they realise the door cannot open, two decide to split up Amanda goes to find exit and Brock the ball.
• House (Amanda):
Dialogue = (All speech to self) Random speech about house eg. assuring self that everything is fine etc. Random thoughts about scenery. Reads out old newspaper clippings detailing the death of the ghost boy.
• House (Brock):
Dialogue = (All speech to self) Random speech relating to ball or house. Once finds ball calls out for Amanda
• House (together):
Dialogue = Random fight dialogue. Brock questioning Amanda
during the attack.
• House (Amanda) 2:
Dialogue = Amanda screaming. Amanda random gibberish due to … shock? Attempted 9-1-1 call convo prior to learning phone is not working. Little boy appears and tells her she cannot leave… monologue/ details? Screaming, sobbing and finally screaming.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Kegan,