NEW COPY OF SCRIPT

INT. BARNES AND NOBLE BOOKSTORE – LATE AFTERNOON

We see Andy, 21, opening up a book; it has graphic images of black dahlia and all kinds of description. He glances at the pictures and words, and draws in his notebook whatever the word means to him.

(note: music will be MOONLIGHT SONATA)

He seems to hear something from a distance.

CUT TO:

A woman, 20, walks in with her friends.
Her eyes catch a glance of his eye starring at her.
He quickly stares at his notebook, hoping she doesn’t notice.
ANDY (V.O.)
3rd time I saw her this week.

He looks back up while she doesn’t notice; he is mesmerized with her beauty.

ANDY (V.O.)
Beautiful, attractive, but could be a mask like the others wear.

He flips pages back in his notebook were he drew her, and then at the bottom we see her with devil’s horn and an ugly look of a snake.

ANDY (V.O.)
What is that addiction for attention? The necessary fulfillment of the empty hole in my life.

He looks back at her, with his mouth slightly open.

ANDY (V.O.)
Hope is something that always let me down, I don’t want to give up.

He looks back at her ugly picture in the notebook. And looks at the scar on his left palm.



ANDY (V.O.)
The complexity of that creature places fear in my being…
Why do they wear masks? They confuse me with their confusion. I really don’t ask for much, I just hope you are gentler and real.

He sees her walk out the door.

As he starts to look back down in disappointment, he notices her come back in.

She has a smile on her face, she walks towards him.

But she was headed toward an isle.

He holds his breath for a second, and then stands up.

He walks away towards the isle of the fine art section.

ANDY (V.O.)
You have to be good, you have to. I hope you are my savior, I hope you won’t poison me.

Andy gets closer to the woman.

ANDY
So are you an artist?

She looks around to notice where the voice is coming from.

WOMAN
I paint a little.

ANDY
(Smiling)
Are you any good?

WOMAN
(smiles back)
I’d say I am alright, do you paint?

ANDY
Me? No, I am a big fan though of fine arts.

WOMAN
Interesting…Any particular artist?

ANDY
I don’t know if you have heard of him.
Do you know William Blake?

WOMAN
Oh yes, he is a great painter.

ANDY
Extraordinary, I love his painting
The ‘creator.’

He shows her the image in his notebook.

ANDY (cont’d)
Such a great image, to me it reflects
The ultimate meaning of, hope.
Although it really is about Blake depicting an almighty creator stooped in prayer contemplating the world he has forged.

As he talks, she glances at his eyes with a look of interest.

WOMAN
It is definitely a fascinating image.

ANDY
I like fine arts in general. Joel peter Witkin, he is one of my favorites; his images combine the elements of photography and painting.

He flips pages in his notebook and shows these disturbing images of disfigured humans.

She seems to have an uncomforting look on her face.

ANDY
I know they are a little weird, but they have a strange beauty to them, how disfigured humans are, and how we make our world to be disfigured due to our confusion.

WOMAN
So what else have you got in this notebook?

As she approaches to look through it, he pulls it away.

ANDY
(nervous)
Nothing much, just some drawings.
I recommend you should read this book.

As Andy pulls out the book, she notices something.

WOMAN
There it is, that’s the book I was looking for.
God I could kiss you for finding it.

There is this huge smile on Andy’s face.

(note: zooms in at this point)

ANDY
I noticed you coming here before.
There is something about your beauty that, I have never seen in another girl…

Woman looks up and astonished by the words.

ANDY
I look at you and think of god’s perfection, his ability to create something so, So pleasurable to the eyes, heart and mind. I look at your eyes and I can’t help thinking of how strong they…make my heart beat louder, I look at your face.

Andy starts touching the girl’s face, she is so numb in front of his beautiful words in which she is so surprised that Andy is saying them.

ANDY (CONT’D)
And your soft face, make me shiver when I even think about it, and now that I’m touching it, I feel more need… to want to kiss your lips.

He slowly kisses her lips and she accepts his words.

She looks at him for a second.

WOMAN
You shouldn’t have done that, maybe I should go

ANDY
But you said you could kiss me right now.

WOMAN
I didn’t mean that literally…

ANDY
Oh...I’m really sorry, I couldn’t help…

WOMAN
Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

ANDY
Serious? I’d love to…you can come over to my place…
And I can prepare something for you

WOMAN
That is ok I guess, can you write the address for me?

Andy writes down the address, then his number.

ANDY
I wrote my number too, give me a call. Maybe we can meet this Saturday…say 7?

WOMAN
7 sounds good, I will give you a call, and here is my number too…
Ok, I gotta go now; my friends are waiting for me.

She extends her hand to give him the number, he hugs her. He holds on hugging her for a while, then she laughs.

ANDY
Sorry, it’s just, I haven’t met someone sweet like you.


WOMAN
Ok…so, I’ll give you a call. Bye

He watches her walk away, he has a smile on his face.

INT. ANDY’S HOME – NIGHT.

We see the clock going from 6 to 7 to 8:10 to 9:30.

Andy calls the woman’s number, he gets voicemail.

Andy is sitting on his knees, by the phone, waiting. The phone doesn’t ring. Andy starts to get frustrated. He gets up looking for his notebook. He gets it out, starts scribbling in it.

The phone rings and finally she answers.

WOMAN
Hello.

ANDY
Hey Nicole…its 9:30, you haven’t shown up still.

WOMAN
I’m sorry I was a little busy; You really didn’t have to call me so much, I was gonna call back.

ANDY
Ya but you were late for our date.

WOMAN
i thought we were just going out for coffee.

Andy hears a guys voice in the background, anger shows on his face.

ANDY
…Ah…Is there something wrong? I really want to see you. I have been thinking about you a lot.

WOMAN
I don’t know if I can make it tonight Andy.


ANDY
Please? I want to show you that picture I drew of you. We will just hang out and talk, I promise it will be quick.

WOMAN
(giggles)
I guess. Look Andy I have to go now, I’ll be there in an bit.

Andy hear her and a guy laughing, she hangs up.

He lays upright on his bed for a while. He looks at the clock.

His eyes look back and forth from the notebook to the clock and he scribbles more and more.

Then he gets the knife he has out, cuts his palm and drips blood over the face of the girl’s picture.

CUT TO:

Suddenly there is a knock on the door. Andy panics and rushes to answer it.

The girl arrives and notices the blood.

NICOLE
Hey…Oh my god you’re bleeding.

ANDY
What?

He looks down at his palm and notices the blood.

ANDY
Oh, must have happened when I was moving the couch, loose wire.

NICOLE
Just sit here..where is the bathroom?

ANDY
2 doors down, on your left.

Girl grabs a sheet from the bathroom, and some bandaids. She notices more scars on his arm.

She starts whipping Andy’s hand. He calms down, and feels more relaxed.

ANDY
I am really glad you came.


WOMAN
Look, just lay down, relax.


Andy lays down and looks at the girl as she rubs the sheet against his forehead to calm him down and tie his wounded hand with part of the sheet.

Andy feels happy, and surprised.

ANDY
(whispers)
I really want to hold you now

WOMAN
Excuse me?

ANDY
I meant lets talk.

WOMAN
We can do this some other time.

ANDY
No…

WOMAN
Look, maybe I should go.

ANDY
I'm sorry, I have a habit of coming on to strong sometimes. We could just talk, I'd actually like to hear some more about you.

The woman looks at her clock.

WOMAN
I think I should get going.

ANDY
Why so soon?

WOMAN
Yea, I have some things to do tommorow.

ANDY
Like what?

WOMAN
Just some things.

ANDY
You can't tell me what they are?

The woman looks at the guy.

WOMAN
They're just not that important.

ANDY
Stay, please.

WOMAN
I'm sorry I can't. Maybe I'll give you a call later on in the week.

She leans over to kiss Andy on his forehead, but he moves her head down to her lips, he holds her head while he kisses her hard.
She tries to push him away but she can’t.

He grabs her arms, and drops her to the floor.

He lays on top of her.

ANDY
Don’t try to act nice, I know you don’t care.

GIRL
(scared)
What are you talking about? Get off of me you’re hurting me.

ANDY
And you hurt me, all of you did. I trusted every beautiful one but, you always hurted me.

GIRL
Andy stop, I don’t even know you that well.

ANDY
Yes you do, you are all the same…you all take advantage of me, make me love you and then throw me away…

GIRL
Look….Andy if you have a problem we can talk about it.

ANDY
No…no, it’s too late now, my heart won’t be able to hold more pain anymore. I can’t trust you, you’ll end up breaking my heart like they did.

GIRL
Andy, come on…Please stop this hurts, I promise I will be nice.

ANDY
I love you…

GIRL
What? Andy you barely know me…

ANDY
See? I told you….

GIRL
(crying/terrified)
No, you didn’t let me finish, I love you too, I do.

ANDY
You’re lying…Like she did, she lied to me all the time, she always wanted to see me vulnerable…

GIRL
No I’m not, just let me go and we’ll go to prom and have fun you know?



ANDY
(yells)
NO!...

He freezes as he watches her lips open, and her chest moving up and down breathing deeper and deeper.

ANDY (cont’d)
No…It won’t happen, I will hurt you before you hurt me.

Andy unzips his pants while she is on the ground. She starts to scream, he covers her mouth.

He starts rapping her slowly, as he rapes her he cries more and more.

He slowly holds both her hands down with one of his hands, and with the other hand he starts ripping her dress off.

ANDY
(nervously)
It’s ok baby, don’t be scared. I’m just gonna show you how much I love you.

She resists and manages to pull out of his trap, but Andy was faster and holds her back where she was.

He starts to rape her again; you can hear her voice squeal through his hands covering her mouth.

ANDY
Oh…I love you baby, I love you.

He starts biting her breasts as his hand covering her mouth still.

The girl screams and screams, Andy is unable to handle the screaming. He turns her around and rips her underwear off.

Andy starts rapping her further while pulling her hair back.

She screams louder and louder, she cries.

Andy gets his knife out and cuts the same part of his hand and rubs it on her face and lets her lick his hands.

Andy is enjoying his moment more and more and he is bleeding more and more.

As he is done, he turns her around and starts to kiss her lips. She can’t stop crying.

Andy is getting paranoid by hearing her cry.

ANDY
It’s ok baby, you can stop crying now.

She keeps on crying.

ANDY (cont’d)
Stop, stop crying…I said STOP!

Andy starts grabbing her head and smashes it to the ground until she got quiet and breathless.

Andy hugs her and showing affection while mumbling some words..

Someone knocks on the door.

Fade to black.

The cops come in and you hear Andy screaming really loud, resisting.

THE END

I still feel the same about this script. There is no reason for a girl to get raped. It still feels like the only point behind this script is to show something shocking. The dialogue still sounds pretty funny, especially Andy's voice overs in the beginning. Stop trying to write dialogue that sounds intelligent or deep or whatever and write dialogue that would sound natural coming out of the character's mouth. That dialogue does not feel natural. The rape still seems too extreme. Andy is obviously a guy who has had some bad expriences with women and he's become slightly withdrawn. Andy seems like a guy whose big change would be slapping a girl, not raping her. Don't get pissed off becuase I didn't care for your script. Just accept the criticism, which I tried to make constructive, and try to improve off it.

i accept ur criticism and will take it to mind
but the rape is like...imagine if you have plans to go to school, and u think ull get the loan, the apartment is ready, everything is cool, and one by one u started loosing parts of wat will lead u to that school and u have one left..wouldnt u flip out/? raping her was a way that andy deals with his pain, he only gets extreme when he freaks out about her screaming and trying to break loose