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Studentfilms.com Filmmaking Forums Filmmaking Tips & Techniques Screenwriting and Pre-Production new script from me
Studentfilms.com Filmmaking Forums Filmmaking Tips & Techniques Screenwriting and Pre-Production new script from mePage 1 2
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Freshman |
i started working on a new script and i incorporated a screenwriter i met name pierce on it..its still a rought, but i want your guys opinon
NOTE: the script has some graphic details. _)_______________________________________ INT. BARNES AND NOBLE BOOKSTORE – LATE AFTERNOON We see Andy, 21, opening up a book; it has graphic images of black dahlia and all kinds of description. He glances at the pictures and words, and draws in his notebook whatever the word means to him. (note: music will be MOONLIGHT SONATA) He seems to hear something from a distance. CUT TO: A woman, 20, walks in with her friends. Her eyes catch a glance of his eye starring at her. He quickly stares at his notebook, hoping she doesn’t notice. ANDY (V.O.) 3rd time I saw her this week. He looks back up while she doesn’t notice; he is mesmerized with her beauty. ANDY (V.O.) Beautiful, attractive, but could be a mask like the others wear. He flips pages back in his notebook were he drew her, and then at the bottom we see her with devil’s horn and an ugly look of a snake. ANDY (V.O.) What is that addiction for attention? The necessary fulfillment of the empty hole in my life. He looks back at her, with his mouth slightly open. ANDY (V.O.) Hope is something that always let me down, I don’t want to give up. He looks back at her ugly picture in the notebook. And looks at the scar on his left palm. ANDY (V.O.) The complexity of that creature places fear in my being… Why do they wear masks? They confuse me with their confusion. I really don’t ask for much, I just hope you are gentler and real. He sees her walk out the door. As he starts to look back down in disappointment, he notices her come back in. She has a smile on her face, she walks towards him. But she was headed toward an isle. He holds his breath for a second, and then stands up. He walks away towards the isle of the fine art section. ANDY (V.O.) You have to be good, you have to. I hope you are my savior, I hope you won’t poison me. Andy gets closer to the woman. ANDY So are you an artist? She looks around to notice where the voice is coming from. WOMAN I paint a little. ANDY (Smiling) Are you any good? WOMAN (smiles back) I’d say I am alright, do you paint? ANDY Me? No, I am a big fan though of fine arts. WOMAN Interesting…Any particular artist? ANDY I don’t know if you have heard of him. Do you know William Blake? WOMAN Oh yes, he is a great painter. ANDY Extraordinary, I love his painting The ‘creator.’ He shows her the image in his notebook. ANDY (cont’d) Such a great image, to me it reflects The ultimate meaning of, hope. Although it really is about Blake depicting an almighty creator stooped in prayer contemplating the world he has forged. As he talks, she glances at his eyes with a look of interest. WOMAN It is definitely a fascinating image. ANDY I like fine arts in general. Joel peter Witkin, he is one of my favorites; his images combine the elements of photography and painting. He flips pages in his notebook and shows these disturbing images of disfigured humans. She seems to have an uncomforting look on her face. ANDY I know they are a little weird, but they have a strange beauty to them, how disfigured humans are, and how we make our world to be disfigured due to our confusion. WOMAN So what else have you got in this notebook? As she approaches to look through it, he pulls it away. ANDY (nervous) Nothing much, just some drawings. I recommend you should read this book. As Andy pulls out the book, she notices something. WOMAN There it is, that’s the book I was looking for. God I could kiss you for finding it. There is this huge smile on Andy’s face. (note: zooms in at this point) ANDY I noticed you coming here before. There is something about your beauty that, I have never seen in another girl… Woman looks up and astonished by the words. ANDY I look at you and think of god’s perfection, his ability to create something so, So pleasurable to the eyes, heart and mind. I look at your eyes and I can’t help thinking of how strong they…make my heart beat louder, I look at your face. Andy starts touching the girl’s face, she is so numb in front of his beautiful words in which she is so surprised that Andy is saying them. ANDY (CONT’D) And your soft face, make me shiver when I even think about it, and now that I’m touching it, I feel more need… to want to kiss your lips. He slowly kisses her lips and she accepts his words. She looks at him for a second. WOMAN You shouldn’t have done that, maybe I should go ANDY But you said you could kiss me right now. WOMAN I didn’t mean that literally… ANDY Oh...I’m really sorry, I couldn’t help… WOMAN Would you like to go out for coffee sometime? ANDY Serious? I’d love to…you can come over to my place… And I can prepare something for you WOMAN That is ok I guess, can you write the address for me? Andy writes down the address, then his number. ANDY I wrote my number too, give me a call. Maybe we can meet this Saturday…say 7? WOMAN 7 sounds good, I will give you a call, and here is my number too… Ok, I gotta go now; my friends are waiting for me. She extends her hand to give him the number, he hugs her. He holds on hugging her for a while, then she laughs. ANDY Sorry, it’s just, I haven’t met someone sweet like you. WOMAN Ok…so, I’ll give you a call. Bye He watches her walk away, he has a smile on his face. INT. ANDY’S HOME – NIGHT. We see the clock going from 6 to 7 to 8:10 to 9:30. Andy calls the woman’s number, he gets voicemail. Andy is sitting on his knees, by the phone, waiting. The phone doesn’t ring. Andy starts to get frustrated. He gets up looking for his notebook. He gets it out, starts scribbling in it. The phone rings and finally she answers. WOMAN Hello. ANDY Hey Nicole…its 9:30, you haven’t shown up still. WOMAN I’m sorry I was a little busy; You really didn’t have to call me so much, I was gonna call back. ANDY Ya but you were late for our date. WOMAN i thought we were just going out for coffee. Andy hears a guys voice in the background, anger shows on his face. ANDY …Ah…Is there something wrong? I really want to see you. I have been thinking about you a lot. WOMAN I don’t know if I can make it tonight Andy. ANDY Please? I want to show you that picture I drew of you. We will just hang out and talk, I promise it will be quick. WOMAN (giggles) I guess. Look Andy I have to go now, I’ll be there in an bit. Andy hear her and a guy laughing, she hangs up. He lays upright on his bed for a while. He looks at the clock. His eyes look back and forth from the notebook to the clock and he scribbles more and more. Then he gets the knife he has out, cuts his palm and drips blood over the face of the girl’s picture. CUT TO: Suddenly there is a knock on the door. Andy panics and rushes to answer it. The girl arrives and notices the blood. NICOLE Hey…Oh my god you’re bleeding. ANDY What? He looks down at his palm and notices the blood. ANDY Oh, must have happened when I was moving the couch, loose wire. NICOLE Just sit here..where is the bathroom? ANDY 2 doors down, on your left. Girl grabs a sheet from the bathroom, and some bandaids. She notices more scars on his arm. She starts whipping Andy’s hand. He calms down, and feels more relaxed. ANDY I am really glad you came. WOMAN Look, just lay down, relax. Andy lays down and looks at the girl as she rubs the sheet against his forehead to calm him down and tie his wounded hand with part of the sheet. Andy feels happy, and surprised. ANDY I really want to hold you now WOMAN Excuse me? ANDY I meant lets talk. WOMAN We can do this some other time. ANDY No… WOMAN Look, maybe I should go. ANDY I'm sorry, I have a habit of coming on to strong sometimes. We could just talk, I'd actually like to hear some more about you. The woman looks at her clock. WOMAN I think I should get going. ANDY So soon? WOMAN Yea, I have some things to do tommorow. ANDY Like what? WOMAN Just some things. ANDY You can't tell me what they are? The woman looks at the guy. WOMAN They're just not that important. ANDY Stay, please. WOMAN I'm sorry I can't. Maybe I'll give you a call later on in the week. She leans over to kiss Andy on his forehead, but he moves her head down to her lips, he holds her head while he kisses her hard. She tries to push him away but she can’t. He grabs her arms, and drops her to the floor. He lays on top of her. ANDY Don’t try to act nice, I know you don’t care. GIRL (scared) What are you talking about? Get off of me you’re hurting me. ANDY And you hurt me, all of you did. I trusted every beautiful one but, you always hurted me. GIRL Andy stop, I don’t even know you that well. ANDY Yes you do, you are all the same…you all take advantage of me, make me love you and then throw me away… GIRL Look….Andy if you have a problem we can talk about it. ANDY No…no, it’s too late now, my heart won’t be able to hold more pain anymore. I can’t trust you, you’ll end up breaking my heart like they did. GIRL Andy, come on…Please stop this hurts, I promise I will be nice. ANDY I love you… GIRL What? Andy you barely know me… ANDY See? I told you…. GIRL (crying/terrified) No, you didn’t let me finish, I love you too, I do. ANDY You’re lying…Like she did, she lied to me all the time, she always wanted to see me vulnerable… GIRL No I’m not, just let me go and we’ll go to prom and have fun you know? ANDY (yells) NO!... He freezes as he watches her lips open, and her chest moving up and down breathing deeper and deeper. ANDY (cont’d) No…It won’t happen, I will hurt you before you hurt me. Andy unzips his pants while she is on the ground. She starts to scream, he covers her mouth. He starts rapping her slowly, as he rapes her he cries more and more. He slowly holds both her hands down with one of his hands, and with the other hand he starts ripping her dress off. ANDY (nervously) It’s ok baby, don’t be scared. I’m just gonna show you how much I love you. She resists and manages to pull out of his trap, but Andy was faster and holds her back where she was. He starts to rape her again; you can hear her voice squeal through his hands covering her mouth. ANDY Oh…I love you baby, I love you. He starts biting her breasts as his hand covering her mouth still. The girl screams and screams, Andy is unable to handle the screaming. He turns her around and rips her underwear off. Andy starts rapping her further while pulling her hair back. She screams louder and louder, she cries. Andy gets his knife out and cuts the same part of his hand and rubs it on her face and lets her lick his hands. Andy is enjoying his moment more and more and he is bleeding more and more. As he is done, he turns her around and starts to kiss her lips. She can’t stop crying. Andy is getting paranoid by hearing her cry. ANDY It’s ok baby, you can stop crying now. She keeps on crying. ANDY (cont’d) Stop, stop crying…I said STOP! Andy starts grabbing her head and smashes it to the ground until she got quiet and breathless. Andy steps away from the girl and sits by the phone. Someone knocks on the door, it’s the girl’s friend with the police. Fade to black. The cops come in and you hear Andy screaming really loud, resisting. |
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Moderator |
A lot of the dialogue comes across as unnatural:
Try to find a way to transition between lines in a smooth way, making the conversation flow together instead of coming across as choppy and random. Frankly, considering your status as a Student Filmmaker, I find it a little unwise for you to make this film due to its graphic content. When you choose to put graphic content in a movie you are limiting the amount of potential exposure you may recieve from that particular project. Since you are a student filmmaker, I am assuming that you want all the exposure/audience you can get, and unfortunately this script may not be appropriate for all audiences. This message has been edited. Last edited by: braininabox, "Important dialog is only in Hollywood films" - Kyle Phillip Johnson |
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Owner and Founder of Studentfilms.com |
Yes it is a tad graphic - maybe not 100% appropriate to post on these boards.
This film would certainly get an NC-17 rating if it was made and submitted to the MPAA. There's really no need to get that graphic to be able to tell the story. -Chris Studentfilms.com |
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Freshman |
I agree. It wouldn't be so bad or seem so graphic it it seemed more motivated. We can tell Andy is a little frustrated but he seems to be very timid and unsure around women. His raping (only one p) of her seems to come out of nowhere and thats one of the reasons it seems so graphic. If we are eased into it it doesn't shock us as much. And in my personal opinion a rape is not a good climax to a film. I dig music...........AND I'M ON DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Senior |
Graphic or not the scene is about NOTHING. A rape scene? Please, what are you trying to put across here? It's cliche (and yes a rape scene can be cliched) If you had something to say or an original way to put it forward then maybe I could excuse lines like "It’s ok baby, don’t be scared. I’m just gonna show you how much I love you."
But right now it's simply sadism worked into a flat sequence. The characters are secondary to the "climax" of the rape, similar to the pool boy or pizza man at the beginning of a porn scene. You blaze through the details to get to the rape and then the viewer/reader is left only with a graphic grind on their brain. |
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Freshman |
no its not out of no where.
the scene was started by him kissing her, but her resistance led him to remember how he was rejected or felt vulnerable with other women, he sees her to be highly attractive as his body touches her which leads to his urge of wanting to sleep with her. The reason i made this scene graphic is b.c its not very similar to rape scenes in movies and its the point when really andy is convinced he lost it. its not just a rape scene, its an explosion of all the fear and frustration he contained...her actions lead him to think that she really will do what the rest did, and he is terrified of feeling so hurtful like b4..although her actions really doesnt deserve her to get raped, but if you read carefully that you see that andy didnt want THIS woman, he just wants A woman, and he views them all to be the same |
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Freshman |
Now, as far as the story, I didn't really like it very much, I felt like the identity of Andy shifts considerably every few lines. I just couldnt believe really that the guy who said a certain line would go on to phrase something differently later, out of character to an extent. If that sounds confusing, I basically thought that even you didn't really know who exactly Andy was. Also, there wasn't much of a dramatic movement within the story. Now I know in a short this can be hard to represent, and I'm certainly not talking about working out three exact acts, with a climax and what not. But there are certain elements of storytelling and you should probably use at least some of them. Other wise you're just chain linking a series of progressively more depressing events. Now I think the story can be salvaged if you try to find Andy a little harder, maybe even write some ghost scenes with him to try to get to know him better. Then, you might want to take a good look at how you've structured you're story to give it some more of the dramatic. Like, for example, if you wanted the Rape to be a powerful and shocking moment (It seemed too) you should be building from the very beggining. Set the ground in our minds so that when he finally snaps, although we are revolted by his actions, perhaps we can get some sort of grand movement out of it.
As far as the graphic content, I personally think all of the censorship talk is bull****. Who cares if people are offended by your choice to display something as ugly as a rape of a perceivably innocent woman. Good art is meant to offend, shock, inspire or illuminate. So if I were you I wouldn't care about what people say about that. If that's all they care to focus on, then I think they are missing the point. The only problem is if you make it the only thing to focus on, it should be the culmination of a grand decent into darkness. Not just a violent physical event. In it's horror, it can be strangely beautiful. But you have to create that beauty. |
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Alumnus |
This feels like one of those "desperate for attention" scripts, you know, one that will do anything to be labelled "controvercial." I just didn't buy that it was anything to the contrary.
P.S. I hope you realize that "Moonlight Sonata" is in every second student film on this site. |
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Freshman |
GODFATHER: Ok, first off you have something written, which is farther than most people get. Secondly, scripts like this are a cliche, but cliche's are called chiche's because they're true. Remember it's not only the story, but how you tell it. Try to incorporate some sort of plot twist or other device that will help the story along. And I have to agree with KingMolson on his censorship views. Keep at it and let us know how it goes.
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Freshman |
andys identity starts with him being a shy normal guy who sees a pretty girl, then wants to become more comfrotable, and then gets frustrated when she doesnt show up like she said. he is a confused character. can you be specific about the 'out of character to an extent'? I tried to put as much as ai can for a short, and not make it too long, or too much for a short. Again, with 'dramatic movment' can you please state examples to be more clearer? i like the point of the chost scenes..but can you go a lil more into details about it? |
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Freshman |
thats b.c u judgeed its surface not its depth, and thats unfortunate. its a sad tormented character who exist in a lot of men who are insecure due to relationship failures.. |
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Freshman |
Even though it is a bit cliche I thought it displayed the duality of a man, a man whose been wronged by every woman he encounters, pushing him to becoming psycho. In the end by killing Karen (random name) he ultimately shows that he is standing up those who had hurt him before, Karen didn't know that by "not doing" she was pushing Andy. He didn't really develope from the beginning, he was psycho the whole time, overanalyzing too much that he recieves from the women he encounters to be only let down by them. The irony is that while women
"mask" themselves to him, he is masking his true killer nature, he doesn't want to kill, but he doesn't want to get hurt again, he has to make a choice, so by killing WOMAN he seeks salvation, he stands up to what has been plaguing him; even if, morally, it was wrong. And by raping Karen, he spreads his pain around, a pain which he cannot seem to bare. Again I thought the script effectively demonstrated what crazy is this film relies on the graphicness to hammer the point of Andy's crazyiness, that he was one of the lost souls society shunned until it was too late... when one showed their compassion, Andy's mind was already made. DIRECTOR. EDITOR. WRITER. kingstonfilms "My world succeeds this one..." - the instant the lightning strikes the tower... everything will be fine. |
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Junior  |
Still who would want to see a movie about this. It sounds like you wrote it for film school teachers or to someway get respect from people as a serious filmmaker, if this is what you are into and want to tell stories about then go for it, otherwise go make a movie that really interests you.
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Freshman |
What I meant about the 'Out of Character' comment was that the development of Andy's identity seemed inorganic and unnatural. Some comments and advances he made were clearly not something a shy person would do, then some of his actions showed him being very shy. It just seemed to me that if you designed his progression to be a little more smooth then I would be able to believe it a little more.
Also, the rape itself, as can be seen from these responses is a powerful physical event that draws complex emotions from people, mostly revulsion and disgust. But, anyways, you can see that it is a moment of high significance and the emotional peak for the viewer of the film. I think you need to build a more solid dramatic movement towards that moment. This ties into what I said about the 'Out of Character' feel of some of Andy's comments and actions. Perhaps, build Andy's collapse into carnal and moral depravity, so that it reveals itself in a more complicated and interesting manner. Always with a hint of some deeper evil that resonates louder and louder as each layer of social protection is peeled off. Until finally Andy is pinning the girl to the ground, his full inhuman ugliness exposed. That's a powerful movement I think, and worthwhile. Just remember, that for something like this to work and not simply be a post modern - anything can be art, why not this? - film, you need to craft a decent from the consensus reality at the begining into the dark horror that overtakes all our senses at the end. That dramatic movement is the only thing that would let anyone with a sense of morality appreciate such a film. |
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Moderator |
The point is by throwing such graphic content into your script, it halves your potential audience. "Important dialog is only in Hollywood films" - Kyle Phillip Johnson |
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Moderator  |
Distasteful content aside the main issue is that it lacks a protagonist. Andy is human filth of the lowest form, so he's not the hero, and the girl doesn't make a great protagonist either! Story-wise it's not that great. Content wise it's awful. If you're looking to shock the audience with reality's more unpleaseant sides you need to do it with some humanity. Maybe from the POV of investigators trying to piece together what happened.
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Freshman |
you TOTALLY GOT IT MR. BLONDE, thank you..thats the andy i wanted to show..thats what i want the audience to get from seeing this..thank you again |
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Freshman |
first off its a short, if every film follows the rules of protagonist and antagonist we wouldnt have great films by unique artists like Lynch or Noe or other abstract artists. its not about a hero or not, its about how a human deals with his fear how can one cope with pain and the reflection of his feeling |
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Freshman |
Cliche or not, if only one person out of like 10 "gets" your script as you want it to be understood, which seems to be the case here, I'd say you have some rewriting to do.
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