hi, this is my short film script for a film we are planning to shoot in the near future. The film doesn't really have a name at the moment and I was just looking to get some feedback about the script (good and bad) and also any ideas for a name... thanks

Short Film Script

I liked the fighting and the flashaback, however I was a little dissapointed at the payoff. If anything to make the end of the film more dramatic we need to get more in depth with Cam and his gf. Why is he so pissy with her? How long have they been dating? Blah blah blah. Make us care a little bit more. And maybe during the fighting go back to show the gf and see what she is up to. Make us WANT the two characters to work it out ya know. Maybe show them seperatly and how they both just want to get a long and apologize. If you do that I think the ending will be much stronger. However, it is your scrip those are just some suggestions. Email me if you do any rewrites Id be glad to check it out and I would love to see it when u r done with it also. Mjones_greenskyproductions@yahoo.com

thanks a lot for reading it and your comments. just to clear it up, are you saying that the ending could stay the same and just have more character development between Cam and his gf throughout the film to make the ending more dramatic? or do you think that the ending should change aswell as building the characters? i'm thinking of writing up another draft sometime during the next week or so. thanks

Good short script. One huge problem though, there is no character developement. Who should be blamed for what? Who is the real bad guy or bad guys?

The ending is great, but it should have a purpose. For instance, you wrote that Ricky and Cam have a strange respect for each other, you should encoporate that in the flashback. Make this job look like Ricky's redemption. Also it seems like Jimmy is the main bad guy so play that up a little.

I give an example to a lot of people on how critical character developement is. In Star Wars EPisode One, Darth Maul battles Obi Wan. Because of the lack of developement, I felt myself cheering for Maul. He looked like a bad ass and was really cool. In Episode Two, Jango Fett gets killed trying to do his job, once again I felt sorry for him. Darth Maul should have been more sinister and evil, so when he died you rejoice. Jango Fetts character, even though you feel sorry for him, you know that he lived by the sword and then died by it. Take this into consideration.

I think you have a great script, and with a little more developement, it will be amazing.

Good Luck

Here's the new draft of the script with a couple of extra scenes added for character development...

New Draft of Script

as usual any comments, criticisms are welcomed

I love you're examples Fuster!

That shows we can learn fromt the best and the worst.

Okay this is much better. I see what your trying to accomplish too, and that's good.
The bad guys are really besides the point in this film, the focus is on Cam and his GF. Looks good man. Nice added scenes too.

thanks matt, i think what i have now is pretty much the final script. anyway i'm going in for a talk with a service station manager / owner on tuesday. so far we've signed up all the actors, we've got an inner city restaurant/cafe to film in so now all we need is this place. hopefully we will get the green light to film there, if not i will have to keep the search going...

one thing i also need to sort out is a name for the film... any ideas???

Hehe the coolest part of the movie. Here's some:

"Salt Shaker"
"24/7"
"No Time For Love"

and i can't think of any more right now, my GF is waiting for me

lol thanks, they will be added to the list, still not too sure what it eventually will be titled but we're getting there. the script is nearly finished and we have recently secured a video games store to shoot in! (instead of a petrol station, weren't allowed to film there ) but that's ok this place whould work out well, so looks like we have everything pretty much organised, all that's left to sort out is equipment...

dan nice idea i must say - hey i found a site that might be able to send some replica guns that look pretty good. Also found a few sites that have some lighting ideas