Okay here's the first three pages of my new script. It needs quite a bit of help, so have fun with it lol.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A TV murmurs in an average sized living room. The room is well decorated, the theme appears to be that of sailboats, but on one wall there are a few soccer related items. Items including a big trophy, and a few posters/pictures. The largest poster says, “Albert Jones” the picture on the poster is of a man, with long hair looking so you can‘t see his face, making a goal off the head. ALBERT walks into the room, in one hand bowl of chips, in the other a soda pop can. He is in his mid-thirties, he short hair cut, and He sits down at a recliner in front of the TV. The TV is now more audible but is still muffled, the announcers are talking in a British accent. He sets his soda and chips on a table beside his chair.

JIM PHILLIPS
Welcome back to this fantastic soccer match, we‘re at the 25th minute right now. For those of you just joining us, the match has been a bit one sided so far, but the score is still just nil-nil.

BILL BRADLEY
Yes that’s right Jim. The Fire have been outplaying Columbus, it seems almost as if they have just been toying with them. It’s amazing they haven’t gotten a goal yet.

JIM PHILLIPS
The Fire were within inches of a goal three times now, but still haven’t got it to the back of the net. But it doesn’t seem like they could go too much longer without getting a goal. They’re simply overpowering their enemy today.

BILL BRADLEY
Well Columbus has been shooting horrible tonight. They’ve had 8 shots none of which have been on a path to the goal.

JIM PHILLIPS
Well they haven’t got any of their star players anymore. Ever since Jones got that knee injury, they’ve just been going downhill since then. After Jones left they didn’t have anybody to take his place. Which just left them without a good team...

He flips the channel to the next on up. It’s the Animal Planet, a Crocodile Hunter rerun.

ALBERT (mumbling to himself)
Damn, Croc Hunter.

He watches the show for a bit, but starts fidgeting in his seat, as if he was in grade school with ADD. He flips back to the soccer match, finally becoming too annoyed by the Australian. The TV announcers once again go on about the match.

JIM PHILLIPS
Oh that was nearly a goal.

BILL BRADLEY
Well it is a good thing the goal keeper got a hand on that ball, too bad it had to go out for a corner.

JIM PHILLIPS
We really could see a goal off this corner.

BILL BRADLEY
Richards is going to be taking the corner...

JIM PHILLIPS
Donaldson has taken a good position at the back door.

BILL BRADLEY
...and that’s a goal. Straight to Donaldson, right off the head to the back of the net...

Albert turns off the TV. It is now apparent that he was getting annoyed by the soccer match. A door in the front of the house is heard opening. BROOKE runs into the living room. She is about 5 or 6 year old. She jumps up and sits on her father’s lap.

ALBERT
Where’ve you been all day?

BROOKE
I went to the zoo. I told you I was going last night.

ALBERT
I know, daddy just has bad memory sometimes.

beat.

ALBERT (continued)
So did you see the dolphins?

BROOKE
Yeah, I think they were sick today.

ALBERT
Why do you think that?

BROOKE
I don’t know, they seemed sad. On the way there we saw a funeral, maybe someone died.

ALBERT
Maybe.

BROOKE
Mommy said that, animals have feelings too.

ALBERT
They do.

CLAIRE stands at the doorway of the living room. She looks tired, but yet happy. She smiles at Albert, he smiles back.

ALBERT
How’s mommy doing?

CLAIRE
She’s tired.

ALBERT
How about a nice big cup of hot chocolate.

BROOKE
YAH!!!

Awkwardness.

CLAIRE
That’d be nice.

ALBERT
Okay...
(to Brooke)
Daddy’s gotta get up.

BROOKE
But daddy...

ALBERT
No buts about it, you can keep sitting here.

Albert pushes Brooke over so he can get up. He walks toward the doorway that Claire stands at. He turns back to Brooke.

ALBERT
I think you’re favorite cartoon is on.

BROOKE
Okay.

Brooke turns on the TV. Albert beckons Claire out of the room. He follows after her.


That's all I have so far. Oh also um if you couldn't tell Albert Jones is the main character (I'm sure you figured that one out). Also the two are divorced. Brooke and Claire are both going to die, but I don't know how yet. I don't wanna do the car crash like all other movies. I was thinking about maybe a freak accident of some sortt (if you have a suggestion in that department too that'd be a help). Well thanks for reading this, and i can't wait for your post (good or bad).

Generally it was good. One thing though. The soccer match commentary wasn't very realistic. I understand that the character is bored bt still the commentary is unrealistic. Also if these people are talking in a British accent can I assume they are British in which case they wouldn't call it a soccer match. It would be a football match. Otherwise not bad

"Oh also um if you couldn't tell Albert Jones is the main character (I'm sure you figured that one out). Also the two are divorced. Brooke and Claire are both going to die, but I don't know how yet."

Your story arc should be planned completely before you write a word. Writing the beginning without knowing the end is going to lead to a disaster, since events will be haphazardly placed in a sequence without any guiding principle.

Matt - I have rewritten the commentary scene to make it more realistic, also i cut out that they were british. Thanks for the help.

Evan - I do have the story arc planned out, but I just haven't decided how the two were going to die yet. I had originally planned on it being a car wreck, but wanted to change it because it's too stereotypical. Thanks for your help also though.

I got more done, but I'm going to wait till it's more complete before I post the remainder. Thanks to everyone that helped.