Hey guys, I wrote this script in 7 hours, called "A Beautiful World", just wanted you guys to give me any and every suggestion you have for it. Here it is:

Scene 1:

As the opening credits roll, we see a paved road as the sun dawns in California, surrounded by buildings and palm trees, that seems to lead to nowhere. All we can hear is the wind. A lone, isolated car driving along the road appears in the distance as if it were emerging from a vortex. The car slowly comes toward the camera, as the sound of the engine slowly fades up. The car passes us by, leaving us alone, looking towards the vortex, as the main title appears.

We cut to inside the car. A lonely, brooding teenager with greasy, slicked-back hair, a touch of acne, and a varsity jacket on is behind the wheel. It is clear he is a high school jock, but something is odd about him. He has a jaded, sullen, brooding facial expression, with eyes ironically filled with desperation, as he passively stares straight ahead. We get the feeling that he is going to a place he doesn’t want to be, a place he is all too familiar with, a place he has been to many times before. This teenager is Brad Fuller.

We cut to a vast parking lot, with a large high school in the background. Every spot is filled except one. Brad’s car slowly enters the parking lot, and pulls into the space, as if he’s done this every day. We faintly hear the car door open and close, and we see Brad walk towards the school, as if he were marching into a battlefield. We hear the school bell ring in the distance as he walks.

Brad pushes open the main doors, with the same passive and pensive facial expression he’s had the entire car ride, just as chattering teenagers begin to flood past the main lobby through all directions, each one heading to their second class of the day. Brad trudges towards the flowing sea of nondescript, with misery pervading his mind. As he walks, his face now registers an expression of painful anticipation as he hears pairs of footsteps running towards him.

JOCK #1: (Off camera, coming from the left) Hey! Brad!

JOCK #2: (Off camera, coming from the right) Wait up, man!

Brad lets out a heavy sigh, and then forces a pained grin onto his face as both jocks approach him.

BRAD: (fake cheerfulness) Hey, guys, what’s up?

JOCK #1: Aw, nothing much, man. Last weekend kinda sucked, I was gonna shoot some fireworks upstate with some buds at Deerfield Lake, but it was f***in' raining! F***in’ raining, can you believe that s**t?

BRAD: (knowing that it probably wasn’t raining) Yeah, that’s not good, man.

JOCK #2: Hey, I’ll shoot some fireworks with you guys Saturday, man, I know a good place that sells that shizzle really f***in’ cheap.

BRAD: (knowing that this place probably doesn’t exist) Well, OK…that’s cool.

JOCK #2: Hey, man, where the hell were you last period? You’ve been skippin’ a s**tload of times, man, everybody’s gonna be crawling up your f***in’ ass.

BRAD: Well, my parents don’t really care. I’m still getting B minuses.

JOCK #1: Oh, that’s cool, that’s cool. I’m still getting f***in’ Ds, cuz my teachers are a bunch of a**holes, but that’s their problem, man.

BRAD: (trying to hide his disgust) Yeah, they’re a**holes.

JOCK #1: Stupid f***in’ a**holes!

BRAD: (desperate to get away) Well, I gotta go to class, man…

JOCK #2: OK, see ya.

Brad speedwalks past them, leaving them behind, like he really can’t stand them. He finally reaches his class, looking more miserable than when he entered the school.

Scene 2:

Inside the classroom, a veteran algebra teacher paces back and forth in front of the board, lecturing the class. Brad and another jock sit at the same table in the back corner. We see Brad sitting upright, trying to be ready to listen and take notes, but the jock ignores everything around him as he slouches in his chair.

TEACHER: OK, this is going to be our last review of polynomial factoring before the test. I want everyone to pay attention and take notes.

ALGEBRA JOCK: (whispering) Bulls**t, man, we’re never going to have to factor polywhatevers anyway, this is so f***in’ stupid…(laughs)

Brad is obviously irritated, but tries to hide it.

TEACHER: The best method of factoring a polynomial is to use the 5-step method…

ALGEBRA JOCK: (whispering) Jesus, the 5-step method, is this like a f***in’ AA meeting or some s**t? (laughs)

Brad tries futilely to write notes.

TEACHER: …then we find the coefficient of the middle term…

ALGEBRA JOCK: (whispering) Coefficient? What the f**k is that shizzle?

BRAD: (whispering) Well, if you just…(lets it drop)

TEACHER: …then we rewrite the original trinomial…

ALGEBRA JOCK: (whispering) Trinomial? I thought all this s**t was about polywhatevers, what the f**k?

Brad looks like he’s resisting the urge to hurt him as the teacher keeps talking.

ALGEBRA JOCK: (whispering) Hey, my mom got me an X-Box last weekend…

BRAD: (loudly) I don’t care!

TEACHER: (turns around) Brad Fuller, can you stop talking with your little friend for just one day and pay attention!?

The whole classroom is silent.

BRAD: (upset) O…OK, sir.

TEACHER: (clears throat) Anyway, as I was saying… then, you basically just factor by grouping, and you’re done.

Brad and the jock sit in silence. Brad stares at the desk as if he’s screaming inside. The bell rings.

TEACHER: Don’t forget, people, test tomorrow, 40% of your grade. Get outta here.

ALGEBRA JOCK: Jesus, man, if you want to talk so bad, f***in’ WHISPER!

BRAD: (pained) Mm-hmm…

Brad puts everything away and leaves the classroom, looking straight ahead.

Scene 3:

It is the end of the school day. A girl with braided hair and a starched dress walks out of her last class, carrying her books, and walks through the hallway the opposite way as everyone else. Although she is new to the school, she walks through the hallways confidently, as if she knows this school as well as Brad, keenly observing her surroundings as she dodges everyone coming her way.

Meanwhile, Brad and the two jocks he was with in the morning walk through the hallway the same way as everyone else. Brad is unable to hide his misery and anger as well as he was in the morning, after a long day.

JOCK #2: Man, it’s the end of the day, and you look f***in’ pissed, man, what the f**k’s goin’ on?

BRAD: (lying) It’s not you guys.

JOCK #1: Then what the f**k is it?

BRAD: It’s the fact that I have soccer right now, and I’m running late…(is further irritated as if this fact is rubbing salt in his wound)…and I’m going to be there the rest of the day to kick a STUPID ball around like an IDIOT, and then it’s back to my HORRIBLE apartment to watch BORING television on my PATHETIC easy chair, which is how I WASTE my life DAY. AFTER. DAY!

JOCK #1: (pause) That sucks, man.

The girl walking the other way down the hallway suddenly bumps into Jock #2, and both the girl’s and the jock’s books fall onto the floor.

JOCK #2: (irritated) What the f**k are you doing?

GIRL: (flatly) I’m walking.

She picks up her books, but leaves the jock’s books on the floor.

GIRL: (matter-of-factly) I’m sorry about bumping into you, but I’m new here, and, well, y’know.

The girl starts to walk away, but Jock #2 yanks her back by the arm.

JOCK #2: (angry) No, I don’t f***ing know!

GIRL: (yells) Don’t TOUCH me!

JOCK #2: (yells) No, I think YOU’RE the one who doesn’t f***ing know!

JOCK #1: (pleads) Hey, come on, man…

GIRL: Know WHAT?

JOCK #2: That you don’t just f***in’ ram into ME and say “sorry” and walk away!

GIRL: (scoffs) Well, what else do I do?

JOCK #2: Pick up my f***in’ books!

GIRL: Hey, you’re just as responsible as I am for us bumping into each other, you should pick up your own books!

JOCK #2: That’s bull f***in’ s**t, YOU ran into ME!

GIRL: I saw your eyes make contact with mine, you knew I was coming your way, but you charged straight ahead anyway as if this was YOUR hallway and I was inconveniently standing in it! This is not YOUR hallway!

JOCK #2: It IS my hallway! WE own this hallway! We f***in’ rule this school!

JOCK #1: Too f***in’ right!

As both jocks high-five, the girl registers a look of amazed contempt on her face and Brad registers an embarrassed look on his.

JOCK #2: Brad, tell the new girl how it works!

BRAD: I…I don’t…

JOCK #2: TELL HER!

BRAD: (screams) FINE!!!

Brad calms down and reluctantly turns to face the girl.

BRAD: (speaks as if he doesn’t believe what he’s saying) Listen, kid, we…are the ones around here…who make the rules. We…are the guys around here…who are important. We…lord over…(hesitates)…everyone…and everyone…worships…us.

As Brad speaks, we see the girl has a strange look of fascination on her face.

BRAD: (a hint of despair becomes evident in Brad’s voice) We play all the sports…have all the fun…and do whatever we want. You people…(sighs, and continues as if he’s mocking himself) are all nothing but rodents…(irritated sigh)…that we can CRUSH at any time!

Brad pauses and rubs his brow in frustration.

BRAD: (quietly) And that basically means…(sighs)…if my…(struggles)…friend…wants you to pick up his books…(pauses, and finishes as if his words are bullets)…you pick up his books.

The girl is dazed for a few seconds, but then erases her fascinated facial expression.

GIRL: (flatly) Fine.

The girl nonchalantly picks up Jock #2’s books, hands them to him, stares intently at Brad, and leaves.

JOCK #1: That was great, man. Way to tell the truth, man. You really f***in’ showed her.

JOCK #2: Yeah, you put that b***h in her place. I hope I never have to f***in’ deal with her again, for her f***in’ sake.

BRAD: (sighs) Yeah.

Scene 4:

It is at dusk when Brad pulls up to a seedy-looking bar. Brad enters, in his soccer uniform, looking more depressed than ever. He walks to a bar stool and sits down.

BARTENDER: Hey, son, before you get a drink, I need to see some ID.

Brad, frustrated, pulls out his wallet and thrusts his new driver’s license towards his face.

BARTENDER: OK, son, just had to check. What’ll it be?

BRAD: Just give me a scotch on the rocks.

Brad buries his face in his hands and sighs as the bartender makes the scotch.

BARTENDER: Here you go, son.

BRAD: Yeah, thanks.

Brad stares at the glass and rubs his finger along the rim, lost in thought. He is about to take a sip, when he sees the girl Jock #2 ran into before school ended, still in her starched dress, walking out of the ladies room. Brad is stunned to see her, while the girl locks her eyes with his and sits in the barstool next to Brad.

BRAD: (shocked) What are you doing here?

The girl gives him a hard glance.

GIRL: Well, what, I’m not allowed to be here? What, it’s against the “rules”?

BRAD: (firmly) No! I’m just saying, I’m a little surprised to see you here. Alone, that is.

GIRL: Well, I’m not so surprised to see you here alone.

Brad pauses, as if he’s not sure what to make of this.

BRAD: (defensive) What’s THAT supposed to mean?

GIRL: (nervous) It just means…oh, never mind. (looks down at counter)

Brad and the girl are silent for a little while, until the girl decides to speak again.

GIRL: If you must know, I’m here alone because I’m the new girl in town. Apparently, new girls don’t get a lot of respect here. I’m also kind of a loner, if you want to know the truth. Never really needed anyone. Bartender! (Bartender comes over, girl pulls out ID and shows it) Apple martini, please.

BARTENDER: Sure.

Brad is visibly fascinated by this girl.

GIRL: And I guess you can also say I’m here because of that little incident with your jock friend.

BRAD: (quickly) He’s not my…

The girl looks over at him, with extreme interest in her eyes, slightly intimidating Brad.

BRAD: (sighs)…best friend.

GIRL: (slightly disappointed) Oh.

BARTENDER: (hands martini to girl) Here you are, sugar.

GIRL: Thanks.

The girl looks at her drink, like Brad did with his scotch, but then turns up again to face Brad.

GIRL: I’m just curious…are you here because of that incident too?

Brad wrestles with how to answer this question.

BRAD: (hesitates) No. No I’m not.

GIRL: (irritated) What, so you feel good about it?

BRAD: (hesitates) Well…yes and no. But I did what I had to do.

GIRL: (annoyed) You mean what a JOCK would have to do!

BRAD: (irritated) You don’t get it! I did what I had to do, and I stand by that!

GIRL: (angry) Oh, you do? Well, fine then!

BRAD: (angry) Fine!

GIRL: (angry) Enjoy your drink!

BRAD: (angry) You too!

Both Brad and the girl take a swig of their drinks, then slam down the glasses. They both sit, practically sulking, in tense silence. Then, after a little while, they both start to become hit deep inside by each other’s silence. Both of them are all too aware of each other’s silence. Brad feels like he has to say something, practically anything. Thoughts of all kinds are pervading his mind. Brad clears his throat to try to get the girl to say something so his mind can be calm, but it doesn’t work. The girl bides her time until the inevitable happens, because she knows deep inside Brad has a lot he needs to say. Brad pushes his scotch glass away in disgust. The girl knows it’s going to happen soon. Brad feels extremely tense and uncomfortable, like a volcano is ready to erupt inside him. Finally, Brad says:

BRAD: (despairingly) I’m so sorry.

GIRL: For what?

BRAD: For everything I just said.

GIRL: (knows that’s not all) And?

BRAD: (pause) For everything I said today in school.

GIRL: (still knows that’s not all) And why did you say it?

BRAD: (painfully) Because I’m weak.

The girl waits as Brad finally comes clean.

BRAD: (devastated) I hate myself.

Tears stream down Brad’s face as Brad head falls to the counter, while the girl feels like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

BRAD: (crying) Oh, God…I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself…

GIRL: Well, why do you hate yourself?

BRAD: (crying) OH, YOU KNOW WHY! You saw me in that hallway, saying all that pretentious bulls**t I didn’t want to say! I didn’t believe a single word I said back there, and do you know what that says? It says I’m a FRAUD! It says I’ve been pretending to be someone I’m not! It says I’m a F***ING FAILURE! I’ve known it all the time! Oh God, how I hate those jocks, swearing all the time and carting their big heads through the hallway every day! Jocks whispering stupid things in my ear when I’m just trying to F***ING LEARN! I’m surrounded by buffoons and somehow I’m one of them, acting like I’m bigger than everyone else so people will notice me! And I’m calling them my F***ING FRIENDS! How pathetic is that! How f***ing pathetic am I, leaving school every day after playing stupid sports I don’t want to play to go home to my s**tty apartment because I’m too f***ing insecure to live with my parents! Because I lived with my parents, I loved my parents, but the jocks didn’t like that, when they probably live with their parents themselves because they lie all the time! Oh God, I hate them! I hate them so f***ing much! I hate school, I hate my apartment, I hate my car, I hate my town, and I hate myself! I’ve sacrificed so much for so little, selling myself out! And for what? Just to be somebody? And I don’t even want that anymore! My God, I want my life back, and all I even wanted was to be somebody…

Pause.

GIRL: You are somebody.

Brad stops sobbing and looks confusedly at the girl.

BRAD: What?

GIRL: Trust me. You are somebody. You always have been.

BRAD: But nobody even noticed me before I became a jock!

GIRL: Who says people noticing you makes you somebody? You can be somebody, but who says anyone has to know it?

Brad is confused at first, but then begins to see what she is talking about.

GIRL: You’re not like other high school students, you know. And if that’s unpopular, then so be it. Being somebody is not being noticed. The line is not fine between the two. The word “jock” should be a dirty word for all I care. You’re above them. You’re beyond them. You don’t need them. They don’t have the courage to be themselves, and you do. It takes a big man to be himself, you know, especially in the time in that man’s life when he’s still trying to find himself. You know that better than anyone. And you know what…everyone else knows that too. They won’t admit it, but they know. They know they’re living a pathetic façade just to be accepted. And if everyone just stopped living a lie, it would be a truly beautiful world.

Brad absorbs the impact of these words. The girl puts her hand on Brad’s.

GIRL: Just think of yourself as a part of that world.

BRAD: (sniffles) Well…at least I’m not alone. (squeezes her hand)

Both Brad and the girl look at each other, smiling, as if they were both one.

GIRL: Well…I should get going. I told my mom I’d be home before dark.

BRAD: (disappointed) Oh…okay.

The girl heads towards the door, and stops before she leaves and looks back at Brad.

GIRL: I’ll be here tomorrow, you know.

BRAD: (happily) I’d like that.

GIRL: (smiles) Bye. (leaves)

Brad sits at his bar stool, lost in thought, filled for the first time with hope.

He then slowly leaves the bar, goes to his car, and starts it. He looks into his rear-view mirror, and smiles. He then drives off into the distance, as the sun sets, eager for his new life to begin.

END CREDITS

Well it was well written but that's about all it had going for it. I am sorry but I found this subject tired, especially the whole cliche jock wanting to be someone else crap. I didn't enjoy the dialogue either, but that is usually the hardest part.
Not sure why you chose that subject, maybe it's personal to you, but I could not picture this as a movie.
Keep writing though, looking forward to see what else you write about.

Well, thanks for your honest opinion. I wrote about this topic because it came naturally to me, because I am all too familiar with the shallow idiot jock types at my school (and yes, they actually do use the word "shizzle"), and plus since I know the guy I'm writing this for has no budget and only actors his age to work with, I wanted to accomodate that as best I could. After all, I think you'd hate a typical cheesy student film with teenagers trying to be adults even more than you hated what I wrote. I originally envisioned it as kind of a "Lost in Translation" for the teen set, and while I definetley strayed quite a bit from my original ideas as I wrote, it does still carry strong resemblances, and I understand that that sort of movie is not for everyone. But thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

If possible, maybe you could work in some sort of twist? If you want to lengthen the film maybe have the climax of the movie with him meeting the girl. then we discover something crazy about the character, and the next time they meet, things could get a bit out of control?
I am glad your writing with your what your familiar with, your obviously a talented writer and I can appreciate it, hence why I read the whole script.
The beauty with film though is you have the option to take what you already know, write about it then, **** with it and mold it into something original. I'd like to see you twist this movie around a bit, but I can definately see the Lost in Translation quality to it, their is an honesty hidden in your script, and I can see where your coming from.
Good luck!

The script was kind of boring. There wasn't really any significance to the story. Another thing you need is a climax, something the story can build up to. Also, teens drinking? Where i'm from you have to be 21 . . .

Good Luck and keep writing. Don't take criticism the wrong way, use it to your advantage.