Hey Im just about to start my first short film. I was hoping I could get some pointers or comments on my first script. Thanks alot!



EXT OPEN SHACK NEXT TO THE SEASHORE.

Blain, Doug and Bruce are all sitting under the shack
drinking beers. They are dressed in surf shirts and footy
shorts.

BLAIN [VOICE OVER]
That handsome bloke is I. That is
Blain and my two mates. That is
Doug and Bruce and as we sat at D -
bar beach wondering what to buggery
we should do that day. We decided
to snap some cold ones. They would
get you all blurred out and give
you a bigger threshold for pain.
The perfect thing to get you ready
for a good old fashioned Biff.

Suddenly the men's faces lighten up as they see the beautiful
Barbie approaching. Doug and Bruce begin to start Wooing her

DOUG
Check out the hot looking Sheila.

BRUCE
I know where I'd like to put her.

DOUG
Hey come over here sweetheart I
want you met a good friend of mine.

BRUCE
Yeah he's about 5 inches thick and
calls himself One - eyed Fred

Both Doug and Bruce laugh. Blain throws a backhand punch with
both arms and hits both Doug and Bruce in the face. They both
scream

DOUG
Christ.

BRUCE
What the hell did you do that for

Barbie is now standing in front of the three men. Blain
stands up.

BLAIN
Because you two Downies forgot, I
will explain again. This is Barbie
my new Woozer.

Blain walks over to Barbie

BRUCE
Sorry Blain

DOUG
Yeah sorry mate. [TO Bruce] Do you
think he's going to share her?

Blain holds both of Barbie's hands and looks in her in the
eyes

BLAIN
I missed you love.

Blain moves into to kiss Barbie but she holds back

BLAIN
You all right?

BARBIE
Blain. I'm scared.

BLAIN
Of what?

BARBIE
Ken knows where I am.

BLAIN
That poof? He couldn't find he's
way down a one way street. Don't
worry love, your safe with me.

That very moment a car pulls up. Blain takes a long look at
the car. He knows very well who it belongs to.

BLAIN
Go get a beer or something

BARBIE
It's him isn't it?

Blain directs Barbie behind him and stands in front of her.
He watches as the passengers step out of the car. Doug and
Bruce stand and run over and stand behind Blain in a triangle
formation.

BLAIN
Ken

KEN
OK boys keep it light.

Ken gives out orders and Roger and William follow them like a
posh army Sergeant and his men

KEN
And Strut two, three, Hold pose,
turn face, spin and move into cool
casual position and hold it.

Ken, Roger and William all hold a pose as if they are in a
photo shot. Blain, Doug and Bruce are all amazed at what they
have just seen and are trying not to laugh

ROGER [TO WILLIAM
Gosh there's a lot of condonation
out here

WILLIAM
Yeah. We better be fair or we might
slip.

Barbie marches up to Ken

BARBIE
What are you doing?

KEN
Barbie my ever most true love, will
you please just.

BARBIE
No ken I wont just.

KEN
Barbie please

BLAIN
You heard her. Nick off!

KEN
Barbie. We where Worlds's favorite
couple. I'm truly sorry for what
happened back in LA.

BARBIE
I have a new life with Blain now.

Barbie walks back and puts her arm around Blain

KEN
Oh my dearest let me assure you
that I am not leaving here without
you. I'll win you back yet

Ken snaps his fingers

KEN
Roger

Roger pulls out a bunch of flowers from behind his back and
walks over to Barbie. Roger knells in front of her and
presents her with the flowers

ROGER
Barbie, Ken wishes to say that your
undying beauty will remain as
stunning as these flowers.

Barbie takes the flowers. Roger walks back and strikes back
into his pose

BARBIE
Thank You Roger

Ken Snaps his fingers again and William approaches Barbie.
William pulls out a box of chocolates. William kneels in
front of Barbie and presents her the chocolates.

WILLIAM
Barbie, Ken wishes to say that you
will always be sweet just like
these chocolates

Barbie takes the chocolates. William walks back and strikes
his pose again.

DOUG [TO BRUCE]
Is this guy serious

BARBIE
Ken these are all very nice-

KEN
Shhh! Don't speak! Just be amazed.

Ken spins around and adjusts his hair. He then kneels in
front of Barbie. He then produces a ring.

KEN
I'll love to the day I die, You are
the women of my dreams. I would
give up a million life times just
to spend one day and night with
you.

Blain, Doug and Bruce all laugh

BLAIN [TO ROGER]
I think he was talking to me mate!

Roger ignores the remark. Blain, Doug and Bruce continue to
laughs. Ken and Barbie are off in there own world.

BARBIE
Oh I Forgot how wonderful you can
be Ken.

Barbie throws herself at Ken

BLAIN
What?

BARBIE
A sensitive and romantic man,
everything I wanted.

BLAIN
Now hang on a minute

KEN
Just drop it Blain. The better man
won.

BRUCE
Is this guy looking to scrap or
what.

DOUG
Yeah lets fix these pussies.

BLAIN
All right! Ken pull your finger
out. You and me and me boys

Ken puts Barbie aside and stands up.

KEN
Right T O. So wish to challenge me
ay? Fair enough. But before we
engage let me warn you. I'm not an
easy chap to flog.

BLAIN
And I'm sure your two boyfriends
know all about that.

Roger and William both look at each over and prep themselves
for battle.

BLAIN
Roger. Put conflict music on.

Roger runs back to the car and puts on some jazzy music.

DOUG
What the hell is this?

KEN
This is my fight music. Don't you
like Jazz?

BRUCE
Oh yeah love Jazz. Queer!

Ken, Roger and William are all upset. There's a short Mexican
stand off.

KEN
Engage them!

The men all charge at each other. Blain manges to land the
first punch into Ken, while Bruce and Doug tackle Roger and
William. Blain starts to choke Ken but Ken responds by
slapping Blain serval times across the face. Roger and Doug
are rolling around on the ground while William is up on
Bruce's shoulders and the two men are spinning around. Blain
and Ken continue to have a fist fight. Barbie grows sick of
the fighting and tries to break it up. She tries to break a
bottle but its plastic and wont break. She becomes stressed
with the situation and tries to verbally stop the situation

BARBIE
Hey!

Barbie walks over to the car and honks its horn

BARBIE
Hey! Come on! Cut it out!

Barbie decides to go to a last resort and begins to lift up
her shirt

BARBIE
Hey! Stop what your doing and look
at these!

Barbie lifts up her top and flashes the boys. They all stop
fighting and stare mouths opened for a few seconds.

BARBIE
Good now that I have your attention
you can all listen to me.

Barbie lowers her shirt. The men look at each other for a
second then go back to fighting!

BARBIE
Oh for the Love of god!

Barbie stomps off. Ken pulls out a plastic Butter Knife and
tries to stab Blain in the neck. But blain stops it right
before impact. The two men are trying to over power the over.

BLAIN
Look out! The poof's are packed!

KEN
She is mine!

BLAIN
Not on your life pal!

Doug punches Roger off him and notices the struggle between
Blain and Ken. Doug gets up and runs over to save Blain.

DOUG
Hang on Blain!

Blain looks like he's about to cave in.

BARBIE [SCREAMING]
That's it I'm leaving!

Both Blain and Ken stop what there doing

BLAIN AND KEN
What?

There's a moment of shock but its broken when Doug tackle's
Ken.

BARBIE
I have found someone else!

BLAIN
What?

Ken forces Doug off him

KEN
Get off me. What!? Who?

BARBIE
This is Sinep.

Barbie introduces a man who is dressed in plain grey clothes
and has a black beanie on.

BARBIE
He's a conceptual artist

SINEP
Hello. I can see through time.

The men are left in silence

BARBIE
Come on Sinep. These men deserve
one and other. No different then
any other man or lesbian.

The men are all left with stunned faces as they all stand up
to watch the new couple Leave.

KEN
There goes the girl of out dreams

BLAIN
Yeah Go on! Why don't you rub salt
in the wounds and have a threesome
with this guy!

Blain grabs a random by passer and displays him to Barbie.

BARBIE
Maybe I will

BY PASSER
Alright

The By passer runs up to Barbie but is yelled away by Sinep.
The men are left devastated to what just happened.

DOUG
At least we got to see her tits.

The men all nod. There is a few moments silence as they all
look at each other in wonder of what to do next.

BLAIN
You blokes want a drink?

The men all nod.
KEN
Yes after all that physical
activity I could use a refreshment.

The men walks off with small talk and all sit down and start
to drink. The sun begins to set and the camera fades out.


CREDITS

Is Roger a lawyer? Because I don't think anyone except lawyers use the term "condonation". Big word just seems out of place.

I'd read more, but I'm doing physics homework.

I love it! It really all depends on the ability of your actors and your own comic timing in the editing and shooting, but I think it could be great if done well. My suggestions:
-Make the Barbie/Ken thing a little bit more clear. That might just mean finding the right actors.
-I think it needs a little bit more of a theme or structure. The Clockwork Orange motif seems to sorta fade away as the Westside Story part comes in. The humor also sorta switches from casual (there's a better word to describe it, I'm sure, but I'm blanking right now) to more outrageous, fantastical humor. It seems like you might have written the first part, stopped, came back, and finished it. Just go through a few more times before filming, if you ask me. Good luck!
(P.S. Be wary of filming at the beach. Salt air isn't the healthiest environment for cameras, I think there have been past posts about this)