the idea is this: one girl is struggling with keeping her faith in god after her mother dies. She tries and tries to believe, but it's becoming harder and harder and she feels there is no point. Her grades are dropping and her once ambitious future is beginning to diminish. In the film, we would join her just as her faith has totally collapsed and she is in front of the church angrily demanding a sign from god, but gets no response. She tears off her cross necklace and throws it against the church.

Then, there's going to be another story going on while all of this is happeneing, where another girl is on the edge of committing suicide, and as a last attempt to find purpose in her life, stumbles into the church.

The two strangers cross path's and have a long talk all night where they open up to eachother and talk about their issues. The two leave the church in the morning with a greater sense of fulfillment and purpose and all is happy.

this more sounds like an underlying layer of plot and meaning to a film than the actual surface story of a film.

okay then, well how does it sound as the underlaying layer of plot and meaning?

sounds like its been done before and it sounds boring.

plus i read in your profile that your fifteen is this really what you are interested in? i mean writing a drama about some depressed girls?

Unless this is based on personal experience I doubt you'll be able to pull it off without being incredibly trite. Like Matthew Parnell said, that doesn't contain a plot yet. What's the storyline?

it sounds like a good core of a film but the part where they are "up all night talking about their issues" it seems a little underdeveloped. The whole 'lost faith' bit is very interesting.

I am not here to judge the story really, but in a short film, people dont really want to see long passing minutes of two people talking to each other (unless it is fantastic and witty dialogue). If you could tell us that story purely with visuals, thats the way to go in my opinion

It's an awesome beginning, but the follow through doesn't do it justice. You need something else after she demands a sign from God. She needs to leave, more angry than before, and suddenly be swept into some complex and dangerous story which involves many more people than herself.

Maybe she can end up at the scene of the suicide in progress, with a huge crowd gathered, and the girl at the top of the building. And then.... you go from there and see where it takes you. Perhaps she sneaks past the police line and talks to the girl, and while persuading her not to jump, realizes she still does have faith. Or maybe the girl jumps, and is saved miraculously by awnings or trees.

brilliant ideas, Brilliant! i'll take them all into consideration; my inpiration has been rekindled

WAIT! i've got it! shoot me down if this is stupid. She comes back to school the next day, and she's in the bathroom because she got in a right with the teacher over bad grades, and when she comes out, everything is wierdly 'silent' and then her best friend comes out of the classroom with a shotgun. She has already shot the teacher and some other kids, but now the main character has to convince her to not kill herself or anyone else, then she realizes that she's still got faith...somehow. it'll work i promise. So, forget about the story about the other girl trying to commit suicide. The story will just follow the one losing faith.

quote:

then she realizes that she's still got faith...somehow. it'll work i promise. So, forget about the story about the other girl trying to commit suicide. The story will just follow the one losing faith.

Not to shoot you down but... no. The fact that you aren't sure what the action will *be* is a bad sign. Don't think in terms of vague character realizations. You have to have a concrete story that is visual and kinetic, not based on something that no one can see. Also the fact that you were able to so quickly excise the other plot (which seemed integral) is kind of bad. Try to keep it concise when you write. Also, the idea should be mostly fully formed, not so embryonic that you can drastically change it at any time.

i don't really like it. it sounds like it's done before.

so you think i need to sit down, think through the whole story and make every bit flow together before i jump to anything...?

everything's been done before.

maybe i'm just lacking writing skills or something?? should i have someone who is an experienced writer write the screenplay or what? i'm lost. every idea i've posted has been shot down lol

If you're interested in learning some really solid screenwriting skills check out the book (I know, guys, I recommend this a lot) The Writer's Guide to Writing your Screenplay, by Cynthia Whitcomb.. It's got loads of stuff about proper flow, and engaging protagonists and stuff.

Anyway, the major flaw I notice with the school shooter is that there's no way we'll identify with her. Personally, I'd want her to kill herself. Her life is over. If the police don't shoot her she'll spend the rest of her life in jail. Therefor, we won't identify with the protagonist when she tries to convince her friend not to kill herself.

yea who cares if its done before, as long as you do it your way...people make short films about the first kiss that win academy awards and its done 1000 before

Don't worry about how many times it's been done. It's original enough that it wouldn't bother me. (it's not like this is the plot of something we've seen in theatres recently.) I think with the right actors, and one hell of a young director, this is possible. However, I do stand by the "write what you know" philosophy. At least at the high school level. And while heavy dramas like this are possible, I think most (but not all) of the good student films out there are something other than hardcore drama. Comedy, horror, action, thriller, etc are generally easier to pull off at the High School level. But hey, that's just me.

well i think when it comes to a drama i agree with the palm tree, you have to right about what you know or else the feeling doesnt come across in the shots.

Keep writing dude, you will get somewhere eventually, but dont force the ideas to come, let the ideas come to you.

Darko, what i do when im at this point with an idea is a let it be for a while, and when you finally come back to it, it will make more sense, a hell of a lot more sence, and where you are going with it is a lot clearer.

To me, it doesnt fit the short film genre. Not knocking you or your idea but, it seems to much driven by a characters emotion rather than events, and the concepts are to big for a short film.

With a short the deeper the film, the more you quickly gloss over there issues, and the more shallow the film actually becomes, whereas one simple idea or issue can have more depth because you actually give your audience time to explore the issue.