Hey guys. Here are the first couple scenes to my newest movie I am working on. I have not completed all the shot markers. Please give me some input. Thanks.

Robert


Written by: Eric Lobdell

DAWN Int. Bedroom WIDE-MID SHOT
We see a man (Jared) laying in bed, sleeping soundly. Suddenly, the beeping of an alarm clock breaks the scilence. Jared continues his slumber. Suddenly, his sweet sleep is broken by the crashing of a pillow on his head.He starts and is awoken.

Med. shot.
We see a man(Robert), in his early to mid20s, standing over Jared, holding a slightly crumpled pillow.

Robert: Up solider! Forward march!

Robert marches out ofthe room, leaving Jared to finish the waking process himself.

Kitchen.
Jared walks in half asleep, while Robert is in the background cooking pancakes.

Jared (sleepily): Do you have to do that every day?

Robert: Of course, I know how much you love it.

Jared: What's with the pancakes?

Jared sits at the table in the middle of the Kitchen.

Robert: Jessie is coming over for Breakfast so I need to show her that I am capable of providing a home cooked meal.

Jared: But you can't.

Robert: Exactly. That's why I need your help. Get off your fat butt and help me.

Jared: You know that when Jessie asks you to make some for her you'll have to do it for yourself?

Robert: Yeah, we can fall off that bridge when we come to it.

Jared shakes his head in dissapointment and gets up to help Robert cook.

Jared: You know that this will never work, Rob.

Robert: How many times do I have to tell you, Jared, it's Robert. Not Rob, Bob or Bobert, its Robert.

Jared: Yeah, I know. I just know how much you love it.

Jared grins sarcastically at Robert and flips a pancake.

Jared: So how are things with you and Jessie?

Robert: Jared, I'm up at 7 in the morning cooking pancakes. How do you think it's going?

Jared stares blankly at Robert for a beat or two, Robert finally gives in.

Robert: Oh all right. We had a fight over how i'm not responsible enough to care for her on a Daily basis. But you and I know that I am plenty responsible.

Jared: Robert, your diner tab hasn't been paid in three years. Your goldfish lived for a total of 9 days.

Robert: I was 12! Give me a break!

Jared: And don't get me started on Tweet.

Robert: Oh, you had to bring up Tweet. (Beat) Just help me cook.

Jared and Robert start to cook pancakes and heap them on a plate. Most are deformed, some are burned, but a few are perfect.

Robert: Chè Robert is now open for buisiness.

Jared picks up a deformed pancake and raises his eyebrow.

Jared: Open to criticism is more like it.

Robert: Hey, yours aren't much better.

Jared holds out a plate of perfect pancakes.

Robert: Oh fine. So I need some practice. Theres nothing wrong with living off of Pizza and Top Raumen.

Jared and Robert sit at the table and begin eating pancakes.

Jared: Have you looked at the Nutrition on those things?

Robert: No. I'm not even sure if they have them on them.

Jared (Sarcasticly): Gee, what reason could that be for?

Robert: Maybe it's a secret government operation, trying to contaminate the young bodies of helpless colledge students!

Jared: You're pathetic.

Robert: (Wirh mouth full) So what's the plan today coach?

Jared: Well, I am going to work, to get money so I can get farther in life. You I presume, are going to stay at home and play video games and eat pizza.

Robert: I'm hurt!

Jared: So what are you planning to do today?

Robert: Play video games and eat pizza.

Jared: How about this? I give you $50 and you go down to Sturza's buisness center down the street and you spend it on lunch and a resumè. Tomarrow we'll get you a job.
.,
Robert: You know that that is work and I am 100% against work.

Jared: Quit joking around. This is serious. Just go get the resume made and we'll go from there.

Jared hands Robert a $50 bill and glares at him.

Robert: Fine! I'll go down there anit see if there's any hope for me.

Jared: There is. Some people will employ anyone they are so desparate. Now I have to get to work. I will see you this afternoon.

Jared walks out of the house leaving Robert sitting at the kitchen table alone. He reaches across the table, picks up Jared's mug, drinks, shakes his head in disgust. He gets up and leaves the room, Dropping the mug in the trash bin on his way out.


Ext. High seats in a baseball stadium. Jared and Robert are sitting discussing the sublties of the game.

Robert: I'm telling you, the division of the National and American leagues is just showing the natural human instinct to be separated.

Jared: And where are you getting this?

Robert: I'm pulling it out of nowhere of course.

Jared: How did I know?

Robert: Look at the right fielder. You see him?

Jared: Yeah. What are you getting at?

Robert: He is a metaphor for the uncertanty of life. Will the ball come to him? Will he catch it?

Jared: You are pathetic.

Robert: Yeah I know. But I am the one with the girlfriend.

Jared: Oh you HAD to rub that in. (Takes a bite of hot dog) Well, I have a job.

Robert: So?

Jared: So? So i'm gonna go somewhere in life. Did you get that resume made?

Robert: No... I got busy.

Jared: Doing?

Robert: Do you know how hard level 36 of TV Trampler is?

Jared: Robert! I told you to get it made! Why didn't you?

Robert: I'm a nobody. I don't have a job. I didn't go to college. I had all C's in High school. I barely made it through. I can't make it through anything. OK? No one would want to hire me.

Jared: Come on, man. You need to chill out. Listen, I am gonna take you to Sturza's tomarrow, and we are going to get you a resume.

Robert: OK. Let's just watch the rest of the game.

INT Sturza's Resume
We see Jared and Robert inside talking to a clerk in the store.

Clerk (Sturza): So, you guys want a resume made for Bob over here.

Robert: It's Robert. I don't like nicknames.

Sturza: OK! You want a resume for Robert.

Jared: Yeah. Why else would we be in here Sturza?

Sturza: OK lets get started.

Robert looks around nervously.

Robert: Hey, can we go somewhere else in here?

Sturza: Oh, is someone a little nervous?

Jared: Hey, do you want our buisiness or not?

Sturza: Yeah, sorry! Here, we have a room in the back.

They walk into a room in the back, which is slightly dirty and dingy.

Sturza: Take a seat.

Robert and Jared sit down in the room across the table from Sturza. Sturza pulls out a laptop and starts to type. Robert looks around nervouly.

Sturza: So, what high school did you go to?

Robert: Umm... Cadbury High.

Sturza: Ok. Were you in any extra curricular activities?

Robert: Umm... I'm not sure. I hung out with some guys after school and did some studying.

Sturza: Ok.(Under breath) Participated in study club. Have you had any jobs?

Robert: I worked at McDonalds.

Sturza: What did you do there?

Robert: I was a cashier.

Sturza: Ok. (UB) Customer service experience... Any other jobs?

Robert: No. Wait, yeah I worked at Hollywood Video as a Inventory clerk. I restocked the shelves.

Sturza: Ok. Film orginaztion skill.

Jared: Wow. You're good.

Sturza: I'm the best! That's why i'm the first in the phonebook!

Jared: Sturza, you're first in the phonebook because you have fifteen As in the front of your Buisiness's name.

Sturza: Fair enough. So, Did you go to college?

Robert: No.

Robert looks down into his lap and starts to twiddle his thumbs.

Sturza: Hey, man. I can make this resume so good they won't notice that there are no colleges. Trust me.

Robert: All right.

Jared: So what else do you need?

The camera slowly pulls back and out of the building as we hear Sturza talking to Jared and Robert.

INT Jared's car.
We see Jared talking on his cell phone to Robert.

Jared: I'm telling ya, you'll do great. (Phone sound) Listen, take my suit, it's in the closet, I think it will fit. Use it in the interview. They'll love it. (Phone sounds) Trust me. you'll do great. Just be yourself. (PS) Yes, you can tell them you cook pancakes. (PS) OK, see ya Robert.

Jared hangs up the phone and drives on.

Can you summarize this?

I would revise all the "Yeah"s "I know"s "You know"s, etc.

I like the way it's sounding so far but where is it going? Can you just give us like a few sentences explaining what the film's direction is etc, I know that the script isn't complete or anything yet but some context would be good.
Otherwise looks alright

Way too much dialogue. Even if you had De Niro and Pacino spitting that at each other, it's still too much. Make it 15% of that length and it will be a better scene.

I am not exactly sure what direction this is going to go. I originally planned to kill off Robert, but decided against it. I am going to figure out where it is going to go, today or tomorrow.

I feel that the dialogue is fine. With my writing style, I tend to to the talking first then add in the action later. This is two normal guys, making breakfast and talking. Not Naki-san and Potoma-san trying to kill each other and eat at the same time.

I am going to try to have the script done by mid-july.

You dont wont to lose your audience before anything exciting happens. People might be asleep by the time anything action-wise happens. Maybe show some of the dialogue in action form. Actions speak louder than words. Im not saying your script is boring at all.

mmm'K

I find it hard to comment on it because we have no idea on what is going to happen next. It's like reading the first page of a book and being asked to give a review. I think more information ould be handy.
The dialogue seemed OK. Although the scene where they are talking to Sturza might need to be adjusted. The way they talked in this part just didn't seem realisitic.
Good luck with it and be sure to keep us updated.

I don't know what you are going for here... It seems like a brainstorm. You shouldn't ask people what they think when there's nothing to think about.

A gets up and bullsh!ts with B. B gives him 50 bucks cuz he wants A to get off his lazy a$$ and find a job. Then they are at a baseball game discussing absolutely nothing... B tells A to get a job, AGAIN. A and B are at Cs office. C is a smart resume writer. We end in Bs car while he's on the phone with A.

I don't have anything against lots of dialogue fast whitty dialogue is great. I don't know if you have the ability to direct or the actors have the ability to act the stuff you wrote. I'm going to guess that you plan on making this movie yourself. If you're thinking of selling it don't start it off with cliches like the alarm clock.

Why do we care about Robert? He seems to be the focus of this...

avoid adverbs.... what's the point... if you tell someone to smile sarcastically as a direction they'd probably look at you like you were a jackass...

Anyway. I would request a one sentence. This is the story about... Then I'd say, okay, I wanna know the story about ... then you'd do a 3-10 page treatment (depending on format). That would be something we could critique. Also, is this going to be a feature or a short. If it is going to be a short film... you need to kick it up a notch.

I know writing is hard. I've written 2 features that need about 4 or 5 rewrites each. I'm currently flushing out two other feature length ideas.

P.s. This is for anyone who reads this... The film business is cracked like a mofo. I wouldn't put any of my ideas on the internet... especially if you haven't written and copywrited/registered the screenplay.

Example:
Bob goes to Janes... X happens....

I'm a slow writer and sorta lazy... but this idea is freakin' da' bomb! Someone takes it, pitches it, writes it, options it. (i don't know about it for 4 years). I write my version then my movie is made... now, I can't sell my script and I can't prove a damn thing... People teach "stealing/borrowing ideas"... people do it. :P That's just incase

Good point. Although I assume your script is pretty safe with most of the people amongst this site, you can never be too careful. Who knows who could stumble across this post. Its certainly a risk.

Ok. Thanks C.
I am planning for this to be quite long, at least for one of my movies. Perhaps 30-45 minutes? I am gonna finish the script before doing anything else online with it. At all.

Premise: Jared and Robert are roommates. Duh. Robert has no job, but has a girlfriend and is quite street smart. Jared has a job, but no social life outside of Robert. Jared is trying to get Robert to be more responsible, and Robert will eventually try to get Jared out more. More will happen, like we will see Robert's girlfriend, Jessie, and more characters will be introduced. Currently where I am in writing, Robert is about to be surprised about getting the job.