Hey there.

This is a scene Ive been working on. It comes at about page 30 of something I'm working on.

I was wondering if you could tell me what you think.

Another thing. Is it cool for me to post my script pages here? I have a whole bunch of stuff I'm working on and it's great to get feedback from people. It helps me when rewriting to know what people like or dont like. And what is and isnt working. Anyway. On with the pages.

EXT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT

               Cal and Rocky, both dressed smartly and looking a little more
               "together" than they did before, stand about waiting. Cal
               looks at his watch.

               CLOSE ON: A DIGITAL WATCH. It reads 15:20. 

                                   CAL
                         Where the **** is this guy? He's
                         been gone for fifteen minutes.

               Rocky doesn't hear Cal. He has his head deep inside an
               industrial size refrigerator. He pulls out a large chocolate
               gateau and starts scooping chocolate cream into his mouth.

                                   ROCKY
                             (mouth full)
                         You say something?

                                   CAL 
                             (disgusted)
                         What the **** are you?

                                   ROCKY
                             (confused)
                         Eh?

                                   CAL
                         Where the hell is he?

                                   ROCKY
                         I don't know.

                                   CAL
                         I know you don't know. It was a
                         rhetorical ****in question.

                                   ROCKY
                         Eh?

                                   CAL
                         Forget it. I don't like this. Put
                         that **** down. We're getting the
                         **** out of here.

               On those words ELIOT SMITH enters. Dressed in an expensive
               looking suit, he is the owner of the hotel.

                                   ELIOT
                         Sorry about the wait gentleman...
                         ****in immigrants... They're cheap
                         but they're ****...
                         Would you believe I just caught one
                         of them trying to walk out of here
                         with seventeen ashtrays in his bag.
                         Seventeen ashtrays... What, the,
                         **** he was planing on doing with
                         seventeen ashtrays I will never
                         know.... 

               Eliot's attention turns to Rocky, who is now halfway through
               the cake.

                                   ELIOT (CONT'D)
                         Hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you
                         doing?

               Rocky gives Eliot a "is that a trick question look"

                                   CAL
                             (impatiently)
                         Hey look, are you gonna tell us why
                         you called us here.

               Shaking his head at Rocky.

                                   ELIOT
                         Yeah, sure. You have done some work
                         for Raymond Bogdanavich right?

                                   CAL
                         We have helped each other ut a few
                         times yeah.

                                   ELIOT
                         Well he recommended you guys. Said
                         your professional and could be
                         trusted. That's all I ask.

                                   CAL
                         Recommended us for what exactly?

                                   ELIOT
                         For a little job I'm setting up.

                                   CAL
                         What kind of job?

                                   ELIOT
                         The profitable kind. 

                                   CAL
                         Give me the headlines.

                                   ELIOT
                         Five guys. One nights work, two
                         hundred thousand a piece. It's a
                         Data archiving facility.

                                   CAL
                         Right... What the hell's that?

                                   ELIOT
                         It's a vault. Inside said vault is
                         a whole bunch of computers. On
                         those computers are a bunch of
                         names and locations. Some of those
                         names and locations are worth a lot
                         of money to certain people. Our
                         mission should we choose to except
                         it, is to take those files and
                         deliver them to my boss.

                                   CAL
                         Who is?

                                   ELIOT
                         None of your concern. We get the
                         files. You get paid.

                                   CAL
                         Can't they just hack the computers
                         of something?

                                   ELIOT
                         No can do. The computers are not
                         connected to anything other than a
                         rather elaborate alarm system. It's
                         not like they're hooked up to the
                         internet or any kind of network...
                         The archive is updated manually by
                         people who have no idea what
                         they're updating. I mean, if they
                         did, this whole gig would be a
                         whole lot easier.

               Rocky pipes up.

                                   ROCKY
                         So we're talking a smash and grab. 

                                   ELIOT
                         Basically.

                                   CAL
                         Government buildings have security
                         up the ass. Is five men gonna be
                         enough?

                                   ELIOT
                         Well that's where our first piece
                         of luck comes in. It's not a
                         government building. It's a
                         commercial place downtown. Data
                         processing or something. Slack
                         security rent-a-cops.    

                                   CAL
                         I thought this information was
                         important.

                                   ELIOT
                         It is. That's why it's kept away
                         form prying eyes. It's greatest
                         security feature is that nobody
                         knows it's there.

                                   CAL 
                         And our second piece of luck?

               A beat.

                                   ELIOT
                         Someone found out.
                             (beat)
                         So you in?

                                   CAL
                         We're in.

                                   ELIOT

                         Don't you have to discuss it with
                         your partner.

               They both look at Rocky. Chocolate all over his face.

                                   CAL
                             (embarrassed)
                         He follows my lead.

                                   ELIOT
                         Right.

                                   CAL
                         So what's the script? When, where,
                         how... And with who.

                                   ELIOT
                         Well this is where my part ends.
                         I'm going to set you up with a man
                         names Gibson.

                                   CAL
                         Who's Gibson.

                                   ELIOT
                         Gibson is an annoying little
                         ****er. But he also happens to be
                         the man with the plan. So I guess
                         we all need to be tolerant.

               Takes out a piece of paper and passes it over to Cal.

                                   ELIOT
                         Contact him here. He will have the
                         details.

                                   CAL
                         Right...

                                   ELIOT
                         Anyway. I have work to do...

               Looking at Rocky.

                                   ELIOT
                         So if you don't mind.

               Points to the door.

                                   CAL
                             (looking at the piece of
                              paper)
                         Come on Rocky we have things to do.

                                   ELIOT
                         See you later fellas.

               Cal and Rocky leave.

Despin out.

I like the scene, I am not an expert on script or writing so I can't really tell you what to improve on etc.

www.college-film.com is a place where u can post your scripts and get reviews on em and a whole lotta stuff as well, so don't be shy to check that out; another great resource.

Anyways, good luck with the flick.

If you don't look I'll force you to _=_

I have never written a proper script, so I can't help you with the setup and everything. But I like the story. You played it out very nicely.

Pointgravity Productions

what the **** what with all the ****ing god**** *-words? I could understand a ****ing thing... they're cheap but there're ****... what? What!? I just quit reading it. Post it will the words in or replace the words don't put all those ****s in there, please.

Also you opened then seen on a EXT. shot but it's in a kitchen... ?? what's up wit dat?

Hey there.

Erm... Right. Your post contained more swear words that the entire 5 pages I posted.

"Also you opened then seen on a EXT. shot but it's in a kitchen... ?? what's up wit dat?"

A easy mistake to make man. Give me a break.

Thanks for reading guys.

Despin out.

That was my sarcasm. -About the swear words. See how stupid it reads?

Hey there.

Yeah I got the sarcasm. I also got the fact you didnt read it because five words were marked out.

Despin out.

I like your script. I really think you can do without the swears. The best part of the script was your last half. It was very smooth and easy and didn't have a lot of swears. The swearing seemed a bit too forced, but maybe it's because I only read one scene. Also don't downplay your audience, there's a part where you use the parentheses way too much. For example:

Jimmy
(pissed off)
What the f***!!! I hate this I'm so pissed
off right now!

Do I really need to have pissed off in parentheses? No, it's clearly stated by what he says.

Just a few pointer. Hope this helps! Good luck with the rest of the script!