So this is the opening sequence to something I'm working on. I'm trying to get all the major characters, their relationship to my main character, and the problems she has with each character across in the beginning sequence.



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EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY

CARMEN CULMINAR, 22, Mexican, walks out of lobby of a building. She confidently wears a hand made “New Look” 40’s dress, but in a color that compliments her dark skin and eyes.

As she walks down the street at a very self-conscious slow pace, a huge explosion from within a building behind her sends a massive orange fireball into the street. Carmen hurries her walk.

Her cell phone starts to ring. It’s a plain, economic model, the kind they give out for signing up.

Carmen picks up. Her mother walks in behind her on a house phone, an ancient wireless contraption the size of her head.

ROSA CULMINAR, 47, is wearing an oversized t-shirt, stained from bleach and cleaning materials. She mops as she walks and talks on the phone.
Beside her, PEDRO CULMINAR, 52, Carmen’s fatehr, glides down the sidewalk in his old lazy chair. His eyes are focused on a Western novel. Every once and again they look up at Rosa on the phone.

(in Spanish)

CARMEN
Hello.

MOM
It’s loud.

CARMEN
I’m walking around outside.

MOM
Carmen, are you doing okay?

CARMEN
Yes mami, I'm busy.

They stop at the cross walk for the signal.

MOM
Something happen?

CARMEN
No, nothing's wrong, I just can't talk right now.

Another explosion in the background as the signal changes. Mom jumps, Carmen keeps walking. People abandon their cars and run for cover.

MOM
What was that?

CARMEN
It's construction. I'm walking near a construction site.

MOM
Oh. I was watching a program on tele--

CARMEN
Mami, I have to go.

Men with guns run into a restuarant. The gun battle inside sounds like a jackhammer.

MOM
Will you be home to eat?

CARMEN
Yes, I'll be home for dinner I just gotta go.

MOM
Are you in trouble?

CARMEN
No mami, it's not---

The connection cuts off as an explosion booms in the background. Mom and dad stop walking along with Carmen.
CARMEN (CONT'D)
****.

Carmen passes an alley. Some men run out of the back of a restaurant with guns in their hands and pile into a car.

She turns to look at them, then quickly snaps her head forward and hurries her steps. The car explodes in the alley. Writhing bodies are shot by the assailants that were persuing them out the back door.
Distant sirens start to ring out.

Carmen pushes down the sidewalk as police and fire trucks approach. The phone rings again, she checks the number, picks it up.

GIOVANNI, 27, Southeast Asian, walks up behind her on small flip phone. He looks as if he just popped out of a trendy fashion magazine.

CARMEN (CONT'D)
Gio, I'm kinda busy right now. Did you get it?

GIOVANNI
Yea I got it. Are you doing something for that *******.

Carmen rolls her eyes.

CARMEN
I'll see you okay?

GIOVANNI
When? Wanna do something tonight?

The other line beeps.

CARMEN
Hold.

The sirens and gunfire echo off the buildings, but sound faint. Giovanni continues to walk behind her, but checks his clothes while he waits. He stares off into space.

FIGARO, 43, rushes up to walk in between Giovanni and Carmen. His cell phone is a sleek, thin model, the size of a credit card. He owns high-end everything, his haircut costs more than average monthly rent.

FIGARO
Did you guys make it out?

Carmen's face lights up.

CARMEN
Wait a second while I say bye to mom.

She switches to Giovanni's line as Figaro sighs angrily. Giovanni's face becomes animated again. People run by as they are being evacuated from the area.

CARMEN
Can’t talk, Figaro.

Giovanni's face becomes knotted.
GIOVANNI
That ****ing assho--

Carmen hangs up on him. Giovanni stops walking and slaps his phone closed. She clicks back to Figaro.

FIGARO
What did I tell you about doing that?

CARMEN
It was my mom, jeez.

FIGARO
Did you get him?

CARMEN
Yea we got him. But his lackeys are pretty irritated. Krakatoa is blowing everyhing up, I don’t think the police is just going to ignore this one.

FIGARO
Don’t worry about them. I’ll see you later tonight okay?

CARMEN
Yea, okay! I lo--

Figaro brushes past her as he slides his phone into his front pocket.
Carmen screeches to a halt at the corner, and stares at her phone in disbelief.

A car careens down the avenue, jumps the curb towards Carmen, then immediately jerks back onto the street. Carmen is a oblivious.

The door flies open, and hand grabs her.

VOICE IN CAR
Come on.

Carmen snaps back to reality and jumps in the car with them. The car speeds away from the chaos now being brought under control by the police and fire department.

Aw damn it. Okay, i really have to go right now, so i'll format it in a bit.


Edit: i fixed the format. 21 views and no responses? What's up with that?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: RFranco,

Aww come on, all I'm asking for is for opinions. Surely you formed some kind of opinion when you guys read it. Opinions is all I need right now.

weird is my first reaction.

my second is very nifty style and extremely unique.

my third is slightly confusing.

my fourth is 'sweet opening!' go shoot it!

yeah, i agree that it was kind of confusing, but i liked it, i liked how the main character is mexican, the dialogue seems kind of typical to me but i bet it comes out naturally in your own head,great way to introduce a story, sounds like an epic of a project

Sounds like a big undertaking, but if it is displayed on screen as well as it is on paper, it will be a pretty sweet opening sequence.

I agree that there are a lot of things happening and it is somewhat confusing, but I'm sure it will a lot LESS confusing when seen on screen.

Great start, keep it up.

I am confused as well... would you mind explaining more of the plot?