Hey, this is a shooting script of a script that'll start shooting in a few weeks. I'm just trying to make sure I've got the opening as good as can be. Any suggestions would be appreciated. (The script plays out mostly in conversations so I used an opening action scene to contrast the rest and to symbolize parts later in the movie)

BLACK

Feet scraping along a brick wall.

The feet hit the concrete ground hard.

The sound of hard breathing and two pairs of feet running.

FADE IN:

1 EXT. COMPLEX BUILDING WALL – NIGHT

A long, tall brick wall runs for what seems like miles in every direction encasing the COMPLEX BUILDING.

Two pairs of feet appear running silently, but quickly down the length of the wall until they reach the corner of the wall where they duck around.

The two stand with backs to the wall clutching each other’s hands, but each holding handguns in their free hands. They are dressed in dark colored boots, black pants, black shirts, and black snow hats.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.C.)
I’ll go first.

MAN’S VOICE (O.C.)
OK Trish, I’ll cover for 20 yards.

TRISH kisses the man and then pushes off the wall with full force, although holds onto the other’s hand for as long as possible before breaking into a run. The other person stands waiting. He is BRANDON.

BRANDON crouches down for a moment, and then jumps into a sprint.

Somewhere, a gun barrel is slowly raised into a firing position.

TRISH is about 20 yards ahead of BRANDON running when…

BANG!

The sound of the gunshot sends bird in a nearby tree into flight.

BRANDON sees TRISH make it to the safety of a tree to hide behind, stumbles a bit, and falls to the ground.


2 INT. JAIL CELL HALLWAY – NIGHT

A BODY is being dragged by a woman dressed in cameo pants, a black tank top, and her hair pulled back tightly.

The BODY is BRANDON, slowly regaining consciousness.

He looks around trying him taking in the surroundings.

Empty jail cells.

Dim overhead lighting.

The woman dragging him…

Is TRISH, although dressed differently now and taking no notice of him.

BRANDON
Trish?

TRISH stops.

BRANDON is hauled to his feet.

BRANDON
Trish, what’s going…

BRANDON is thrown into a jail cell where he lands with a thud.

He gets up quickly, still slightly off balance, but gets to the jail cell bars and grab’s TRISH’s arm.

BRANDON
What’s the hell’s going on?

TRISH tilts her head back and looks at him with a look of disgust. She twists her arm around quickly, nearly breaking BRANDON’s arm, grabs his elbow, and pulls his body into the bars abruptly with the force to kill someone.

SMASH CUT TO:


3 INT. BRANDON’S HOUSE – BEDROOM – MORNING

BRANDON’s eyes snap open filled with fear.

His body convulse simultaneously and he falls off the side of his bed, taking the bed covers with him.

The sound of a hand knocking downstairs is heard.


4 EXT. BRANDON’S HOUSE – MORNING

TRISH is standing in front of the door to BRANDON’S HOUSE waiting.

She folds her arms impatiently and looks at her watch.

BRANDON (O.C.)
(shouting)
Just a minute.

Sounds of running down a few stairs quickly then…

BANG!

BRANDON (O.C)
Oh crap!

The loud banging noise of BRANDON falling down the stairs can be heard with him yelling unintelligently all the way down.

TRISH is still standing at the door. She tilts he head slightly at the sound of BRANDON falling, but nothing more.

Seconds later, BRANDON, 23, opens the door.

TRISH puts on a smile at seeing him.

TRISH
You OK, Brandon?

BRANDON laughs.

BRANDON
Yeah. Damn magazines my dad leaves. You know

TRISH turns away and begins to walk to her car and BRANDON follows.

BRANDON (CON’T)
I think he places those things at just the right spots so that I’ll catch them. The guy must hate me or something. Oh and thanks for the ride. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

TRISH never even glances at BRANDON as she walks to the car.

TRISH
No problem.

BRANDON
Dave is working with me today he said by the end of the day, the car will be running like new again.

TRISH laughs and stops before opening her car door.

TRISH
You mean you actually think he’ll have it done in two days? Even I have the sense to know he’ll find something else more interesting to do than for your car again.

BRANDON
Trish, come-on have some faith. At the very least I’ll at least know how much it’s gonna cost to get it fixed.

BRANDON gets into the car.

Trish
Yeah.

TRISH looks at finger and twists a GOLD RING on it, pauses for a moment, and then gets in.


5 EXT. TOBACCO LAND – MORNING

TRISH’S CAR pulls up to the front door of the building.


6 INT. TRISH’S CAR - MORNING

Trish turns the car off.

BRANDON
…if not, I guess that just means you’ll have to pick me up and risk coming home with me after dark.

He reaches over to the side of her stomach to try and tickle her, but she grabs his hand and doesn’t laugh.

Trish
Actually Brandon…

BRANDON looks up at her, confused as to what’s wrong.

BRANDON
What?

TRISH looks deeply into his eyes and trembles slightly.

BRANDON stares right back oblivious as to what TRISH is going to say.


7 INT. TOBACCO LAND - FRONT – DAY

DAVE, 24, sits behind the counter with his feet propped up watching TV. He’s dressed in Abercrombie with well done hair.

BRANDON slams the door open and walks in.

quote:

BLACK

Feet scrape by a brick wall.

Two pairs of feet hit the concrete hard, running.

Hard breathing.

FADE IN:

1 EXT. COMPLEX BUILDING WALL – NIGHT

A long, tall brick wall runs for what seems like miles in every direction encasing the COMPLEX BUILDING.

They are dressed in dark colored boots, black pants, black shirts, and black snow hats.

The pairs of feet reach the corner of the wall. They look around quickly.

The two stand with backs to the wall clutching each other’s hands. They hold handguns.
Their free hands are clutched.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.C.)
I’ll go first. Can you cover for 20?

MAN’S VOICE (O.C.)
Yeah.

She kisses him.

MAN’S VOICE (O.C.)
Be careful Trish.

TRISCH
I will.

TRISCH pushes off the wall.
She breaks hands with him as late as possible.
She takes off.
He is BRANDON, 23.

BRANDON crouches down.
He sprints.

A gun barrel is slowly raised.

TRISCH runs 20 yards ahead of BRANDON when…

BANG!

Birds in a nearby tree rush into flight.

TRISH makes it to the tree.
She stumbles a bit.
She hits the ground.


2 INT. JAIL CELL HALLWAY – NIGHT

A BODY drags by a woman dressed in cameo pants, a black tank top, and tightlypulled back hair.

The BODY is BRANDON.
He regains consciousness slowly.

He looks around.
He takes in the surroundings.

Empty jail cells.

Dim overhead lighting.

The woman dragging him is TRISH,
She's dressed differently.
She takes no notice of him.

BRANDON
Trish?

TRISH stops.

BRANDON is hauled to his feet.

BRANDON
Trish, what’s going…

BRANDON is thrown into a jail cell.
He lands with a thud.

He gets up quickly, still slightly off balance.
He stumbles to the cell bars.
He grabs TRISH’s arm.

BRANDON
What the hell’s going on?

TRISH tilts her head back and looks at him with a look of disgust.

She twists her arm around quickly, nearly breaking BRANDON’s arm, grabs his elbow, and pulls his body into the bars abruptly with the force to kill someone.


3 INT. BRANDON’S BEDROOM – DAY

BRANDON’s eyes snap open.

His body convulses simultaneously.
He falls out of bed, taking the bed covers with him.

A KNOCK downstairs.


4 EXT. BRANDON’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

TRISH stands at the front door.

She folds her arms.
She looks at her watch.

BRANDON (O.C.)
(shouting)
Just a minute.

WE HEAR him runs downstairs.

BANG!

BRANDON (O.C)
F**K!

WE HEAR BRANDON fall down the stairs.
He yells unintelligently.

TRISH waits at the door.
She tilts her head at the sound BRANDON makes.

BRANDON, opens the door.

TRISH smiles.

TRISH
You OK, Brandon?

BRANDON
(nervous laugh)
Yeah. Damn magazines...my dad leaves them around. (beat) You know...

TRISCH begins a brisk walks to her car.
BRANDON gallops, trying to keep up.


BRANDON (CON’T)
...I think he places them at just the right spots so I’ll catch them.

TRISCH
(uninterested)
Really?

Awkward pause.
They arrive at the car.

BRANDON
Thanks for the ride. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

TRISH
No problem.

BRANDON
Dave's working with me today.

She finally glances at him.

TRISCH
That mean I don't have to give you a ride?

BRANDON
Yeah, it'll running like new again, hopefully.

TRISH laughs.
She opens her car door.

TRISH
You think he’ll have it done in two days?

BRANDON gets into the car.

BRENDON
Yeah, why?

TISCH
Oh, come on Brendon. Even I have the sense to know he’ll find something else more interesting.

BRANDON
Trish, come-on have some faith. At the very least I’ll know how much it’s gonna cost to get it fixed.

TRISCH
Yeah, that's a start.

TRISH looks at her finger
She twists a GOLD RING on it

A pause.
She gets in.


5 EXT. TOBACCO LAND – DAY

TRISH pulls up to the building.


6 INT. TRISH’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Trish turns off the car.

TRISCH
See that you get your car.

BRANDON
…if not, I guess that means you’ll have to risk coming home with me after dark.

He reaches over to tickle her stomach.
She grabs his hand, her face laughless.

TRISCH
Brandon…

BRANDON looks up at her, confused.

BRANDON
What?

TRISH glares into his eyes, trembling slightly.

BRANDON stares back, oblivious.


7 INT. TOBACCO LAND, FRONT – CONTINUOUS

DAVE, 24; Abercrombie-dressed, well done hair, sits behind the counter.
His feet are propped up and he's watching TV.

BRANDON throws the door open.
He walks in.

I'm not quite sure where you're going with this. I'm guessing the events are out of order and you went back to the beginning. I like how she has this secret she's keeping from him.

Made some corrections, but don't worry, nothing's changed story-wise.

Best of luck.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: David Siudzinski,

This is just the *intro*? It's really long.

I'd work on making it as minimal as possible. Read some good Hollywood scripts and notice how economically the plot is established.

Also, the exposition seems too self-conscious or self-aware (people running at night, introducing the names in the first lines). It's almost comedic, which I don't think is what you were going for.

quote:

Originally posted by Gohanto:
Hey, this is a shooting script of a script that'll start shooting in a few weeks. I'm just trying to make sure I've got the opening as good as can be. Any suggestions would be appreciated. (The script plays out mostly in conversations so I used an opening action scene to contrast the rest and to symbolize parts later in the movie)

BLACK

Feet scraping along a brick wall.

The feet hit the concrete ground hard.

The sound of hard breathing and two pairs of feet running.

FADE IN:

1 EXT. COMPLEX BUILDING WALL – NIGHT

A long, tall brick wall runs for what seems like miles in every direction encasing the COMPLEX BUILDING.

Two pairs of feet appear running silently, but quickly down the length of the wall until they reach the corner of the wall where they duck around.

The two stand with backs to the wall clutching each other’s hands, but each holding handguns in their free hands. They are dressed in dark colored boots, black pants, black shirts, and black snow hats.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.C.)
I’ll go first.

MAN’S VOICE (O.C.)
OK Trish, I’ll cover for 20 yards.

TRISH kisses the man and then pushes off the wall with full force, although holds onto the other’s hand for as long as possible before breaking into a run. The other person stands waiting. He is BRANDON.

BRANDON crouches down for a moment, and then jumps into a sprint.

Somewhere, a gun barrel is slowly raised into a firing position.

TRISH is about 20 yards ahead of BRANDON running when…

BANG!

The sound of the gunshot sends bird in a nearby tree into flight.

BRANDON sees TRISH make it to the safety of a tree to hide behind, stumbles a bit, and falls to the ground.

Basically,this is a scene...to me this was your opening,everything else just confused me as it sounded like it was missing the rest of the story.