This is the first ten pages of my short film script titled Closet Monsters. Any feedback, even negative, is welcome. However, please be constructive. Refrain from "This sucks", but more like "This sucks, because <reason>." That is much more appreciated.
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Short breaths can be heard from the darkness.

Suddenly a loud crash and the yell of a child shatter the silence.

Again we here short, shallow breaths.

And then foot steps moving toward us.

FADE IN: From Black

INT. – EDDIE’S ROOM

We are in a dimly lit room. What is left of the posters on the walls and toys scattered across the floor shows us that a child sleeps here.

We follow the breaths up and over the bed and into a small corner near a dresser.

In the corner we can barley make out the face of EDDIE MILLER, a young boy looking to be around five or six years old. His eyes show a fear that no child should ever have to endure and it is easy to tell that he is the source of the fractured breathing.

On his forehead he bears a small mark that is unrecognizable, almost alien in nature.

We here a low snarl coming from inside the room. Eddie shutters at the sound and curls deeper into a ball.

INT. – EDDIE’S ROOM (CONT.’D)

We can now see the entire side of the room Eddie has made his refuge. And standing across from him is a large human-shaped CREATURE. The creature stands over six feet tall and has claws extending down from his finger tips a few inches.

As it turns to face Eddie’s corner we catch a glimpse of its face and notice two horns protruding from its forehead. It begins to walk toward him and then lunges.



CUT TO:


INT. – EDWARD’S ROOM

A blood curdling scream can be heard. EDWARD, 20’s, wakes up startled. Immediately he jumps from his bed and rushes out the doorway.

INT. – HALLWAY

We are rushing down the hall.

A left turn and a few more steps and we come to a door.

INT. – HALLWAY (CONT.’D)

Edward tries to open the door, but it’s locked. He uses himself as a ram and breaks the door in.

CUT TO:

INT. – EDDIE’S ROOM (CONT.’D)

The room is in chaos now. Papers and toys swirl around the room and the lights dim and brighten in a random pattern. It seems almost as if the room is possessed.

On the bed in the middle of the room we see Eddie penned down by the creature. He is screaming and trying to get free, but it is no use. He isn’t strong enough to escape.

Edward screams and runs at the creature to pull it off his son. Using one arm it throws him across the room and he slumps to the floor. He tries to rise and winces in pain. A scan down his body reveals a coat rack hook through his lower right side.

The screams go louder and suddenly blood splatters across the wall and Edward’s face.

CUT TO: Black

TITLE: CLOSET MONSTERS

FADE IN: From Black

INT. – CHILD’S ROOM

The room is still and dimly lit.

A low snarl is heard and suddenly the bedroom door flies open and several men enter the room. A bright light fills the room exposing a mother with her child in a bed and a mysterious CREATURE in the corner.

EDWARD is one of the men. He motions for another to move forward.

EDWARD
Randall.

RANDALL steps forward. He is slightly taller than Edward and the other men. He raises a crossbow intending to shoot, and his aim is dead on as the bolt hits the creature in the leg. Two more shots make sure it isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

Edward holds a hand up to stop one of the men from moving forward. He takes a few steps toward the creature. We notice he carries a short, medieval style sword. He stops in front of the creature and kneels down to it.

RANDALL
This way miss.

Randall leads the woman and her son out of the room.

Edward is staring eye level with the creature. It gives a sinister hiss and speaks in a tongue incomprehensible to us.

Edward smiles and answers back in the same language. As the creatures eyes grow in shock Edward raises and brings his sword down on the creature.

CUT TO:

INT. – SMALL BAR

The bar seems like a ghost town without even a ghost; just a bartender and Edward sitting at the bar. He droops his head over a few empty shot glasses.

The silence is broken by a group of men yelling as they enter the bar. They seem excited about something. As they fill into the main bar room we recognize a few of them. They are the same men from the child’s room before.

Randall walks over and sits down next to Edward.

RANDALL
We got another Eddie. Another one of the bastards is gone for good.

Edward just nods slightly and waves for the bar tender to bring another drink around.

Randall moves in closer to Edward.

RANDALL
Listen man, you really should lighten up. I’ve seen you. Nothing makes you happier than killing one of those things. So cheer up and act like everything’s alright for one damn night.

Edward just nods again in response.

RANDALL
Besides, I just got a call. We have another job to do.

Edward turns his head to look up at Randall and gives a slight grin. Randall nods reassuring his companion’s thoughts. He pulls a small piece of paper out of his pocket and sets in down on the bar.

EDWARD
All right.

RANDALL
Yeah?

EDWARD
Yeah.

Randall raises his glass and gives a loud yell. With that he is off to join the others at a pool table across the room. Edward looks down at the table to see the paper that Randall has written a name and phone number on. He smiles.

WOMAN (V.O.)
You must understand I was a bit hesitant to call you at first. However, I have recently received a recommendation from a very good friend of mine.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. – COFFEE SHOP

EDWARD and RANDALL sit at a small table opposite of a young woman. She is MARIAH, 20’s.

MARIAH (CONT.’D)
She had a sister named Maggie and her son was having night terrors. She wouldn’t speak of what it was you did, but her son has been fine ever since you visit.

Edward and Randall sit in silence. Randall shifts his eyes over Edward, but gets to response. Mariah notices they seem a bit hesitant.

MARIAH
Please, he has started-

She pauses.

MARIAH (CONT.’D)
He’s started injuring himself.

Edward shifts a bit in his seat.

EDWARD
What kind?

MARIAH
What?

EDWARD
What kind of injuries?

MARIAH
It’s mainly his arms and legs. They have scratches and cuts on them constantly. Please, we need your help. Money isn’t a problem.

Edward looks over to Randall and nods his approval. He stands up and leaves the shop. Mariah follows him with her eyes. It is easy to tell she is confused by his leaving. Randall calls her focus back to him.

RANDALL
He doesn’t prefer to do the paperwork. I take care of everything from this end.

Randall pulls a folder from his briefcase and slides it over to Mariah. He gestures for her to open it.

RANDALL
Inside you’ll find all the details of our services and what the fees are. Fees are variable depending on how long the assignment takes to complete.

Randall continues to explain the details while she reads over the paperwork.

RANDALL
You’ll also be required to take a week leave of your employment.

Mariah looks up from the small stack of papers.

MARIAH
Why?

RANDALL
You will be sleeping with your son for the next week. It is a requirement for his safety. We also require that any windows in the child’s room be secured from the outside.

MARIAH
I don’t under-

She is cut off by Randall.



RANDALL
We also discourage questions that are not needed.

Mariah lowers her eyes back to the paperwork.

MARIAH
I understand. Where do I sign?

FADE OUT: From Black

FADE IN: From Black

INT. – HALLWAY – NIGHT

We are looking down a narrow hallway. Around half of the way down Randall is sitting, slumped against the wall opposite a bedroom door.

Edward walks through our view and down the hallway to Randall. He nudges him with his foot. Randall shifts a bit and then opens his eyes. Startled, he stumbles to his feet.

RANDALL
Eddie! Hey man, I guess I dozed off for a bit huh?

EDWARD
Your shifts up. Go get some sleep in the den.

RANDALL
Right, right.

Randall pats Edward on the shoulder and passes through the hallway towards us.

Edward removes his swords and stands just in outside the door.

CROSS DISSOLVE: Time Lapse

INT. – HALLWAY – NIGHT (CONT.’D)

Edward is pacing back and forth in front of the door.

CROSS DISSOLVE: Time Lapse

INT. – HALLWAY – NIGHT (CONT.’D)

Edward is leaning against the wall across from the door.

CROSS DISSOLVE: Time Lapse

INT. – HALLWAY – NIGHT (CONT.’D)

Edward is slumped against the wall on the floor leaning against his sword.

We hear the door creak open and Mariah emerges. She leans down and shakes Edward’s shoulder. He awakes startled, gripping his sword.

Mariah jumps up and backward.

MARIAH
A bit jumpy aren’t we?

EDWARD
Sorry.

MARIAH
You know, normal people carrying a gun.

Edward just sheaths his sword and takes his stand in the hallway again.

MARIAH
Uh-huh. Well I am going to get something to drink. Come on I’ll pour you one.

EDWARD
I’m fine. Thanks anyways.

MARIAH
You’ve been out here for hours. Obviously you don’t want to go to sleep so come have a drink to wake yourself up.

Edward shifts a bit to gaze at the door behind Mariah. She turns her upper body back to look and then forward again.

MARIAH
He hasn’t made a sound all night. He’ll be fine. I think he feels safer with me in the room.

Mariah turns and starts heading down the hallway in the opposite direction of our view. She stops at the end and turns back to Edward.

MARIAH
You coming or not?

After one last hesitant look at the bedroom door he heads down the hallway as well.

INT. – KITCHEN – NIGHT

Edward pulls out a stool and sits down at the small bar section of the kitchen. Mariah pulls out a bottle of wine from the refrigerator and heads over to the other side of the bar. She sits down and pours herself and Edward a drink.

EDWARD
Thanks.

MARIAH
No problem.

Edward takes a drink and sets the glass on the counter. You hear someone tossing in their sleep and groaning. Edward turns slightly on the stool to see the den filled with his teammates.

MARIAH
What’s their story?

EDWARD
They’ve all lost someone close to them. They decided to help others by preventing the pain of that loss.

Mariah seems a bit confused.

MARIAH
How is staying in a house with a child who is having night terrors helping them prevent the loss of loved ones.

EDWARD
Sometimes the fear we have becomes more than fear. It can manifest itself and harm us. This is what we help prevent.

MARIAH
You’re saying that Charlie’s night terrors and coming to life?

She gives a slight laugh and then takes a deep breath.

EDWARD
I don’t find it very funny.

Mariah places a hand over her mouth.

MARIAH
I’m sorry, it’s just it sounds so bizarre.

Edward looks down into his glass and takes another drink.

EDWARD
Yeah, bizarre doesn’t really cover it.

A scream is heard from down the hallway. Instantly Edward takes off down the hall. Mariah heads over to the den to wake up the others.

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Thanks,
Shunohaku

I'll start off by saying that I didnt notice any major flaws in formatting, so I'll move straight to my opinion.

It seems like a strong, intriguing opening scene. This is a very, very interesting story. It takes a basic and original childhood fear and makes it a very entertaining piece. What I really like is that it's different; very creative. Not the cliche type of script about guns, drugs, and suicide that is often posted on the forums.

Hopefully, the film itself will give me the same feeling as the script did (at the leadt the first two pages).

By the way, how do you plan on creating this monster(s). Will it be done in production- costumes, make-up, or all done in post?

Looking good so far.

Thanks for the input.

Yeah I try to stay as original as possible, but it can be hard sometimes ya know?

As for the monsters I haven't thought it through fully yet. I will most likely be using costumes/make-up during Production and add in any needed effects during Post.

Updated from first two pages to first ten pages.

**bump**

Not bad, its darkness falls meets Carpenters Vampires with a little who ya gonna call in it.

Yea your biggest problem will be special effects. So my suggestion would be to write it so that the creature is left as much to the imagination as possible...thats always the scariest looking monsters anyway, the ones in our own heads...plus obviously the costumes dont have to be so convincing...
Keep on writing

i agree with ryan.. use shadows, ect. to show the monster.

Thanks for the replies.

And yep I do plan on doing the monsters mostly off camera. That was one thing I loved about the "creatures" in The Village by Shaymalan (sp?).

School and work has kind of bogged me down a bit with Black Friday and all (::sigh:: yes I do work in retail). I am almost done with the first draft and then it is re-write time. Whoo-hoo!

Later,
Shunohaku

I really like the intro, it really pulls you right into the movie from the get-go. The only suggestion I would have is for you to tighten up some of the descriptions.

e.g.
The silence is broken by a group of men yelling as they enter the bar. They seem excited about something. As they fill into the main bar room we recognize a few of them. They are the same men from the child’s room before.

Maybe you could say: "Randall and company, clearly excited about their endeavor, BURST into the bar." Or something to that effect. Choppier, shorter sentences are better for screenwriting than long, complete sentences. They pack a more powerful punch this way.

Also, I was wondering how the audience would know that the man was Edward grown up in the next sequence. Do you have a visual or (some other) reference to this?

Well, I hope my suggestions help. Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the input JL.

I somewhat realize that the sentences need to be more condensed and fragmental (is that even a word... lol). I wrote the action lines the long drawn out way for the first draft, because I am sometimes to busy to write with school and work and all. I figure this way when I go back for re-writes (so close btw) I will know exactly what is supposed to take place in each scene. Then from there I condense.

I should be able to post the full first draft soon so keep an eye out.

Thanks,
Shunohaku

good to know...but I am still curious about how the audience will know when you jump from his bedroom as a kid to him as an adult that we'll know this is the same guy.

Ya know I forgot completely about that.

I suppose there could be some kind of visual reference.

[Brainstorm]
1) A visual scar or birth mark.
2) A piece of jewlery (e.g. a ring or necklace)
3) Make the time gap smaller (like maybe a year)
4) A CUT TO: of past Edward lying on the ground to present Edward fighting one of the monsters.
5) Input Appreciated
6) Input Appreciated
[/Brainstorm]

Thanks for pulling this to my attention.
Shunohaku

P.S. - WOW! I just got what you were saying. The present Edward is the father. Not the son. The son died that night and the father began hunting the monsters. Now I suppose I need to clear that up then.

oh ok...so this is the father who has taken on the job? I misunderstood. I thought the son had grown up. A simple name change may help clear up that.