I promise this is good, just read a little, and if it starts to suck you can leave!

As some others are, I am writing my script and also am entering the small contest we have that Jay888 is running. I'm not sure if I can get the script help I need in time, because I'm shooting right after January 1st, when it ends. I have some questions at the end. I have had this idea forever, and I'm working out the details. Please read it, I promise it'll make you laugh. I try to make this as short as possible, so the dialogue is very compacted, and somtimes left out. The story and sequence is what I need analyzing now.


Glen- Stuck in Sommerall
Chris- Glen's best friend, also obsesed with video games, and pretends his specialty is telepathy. He mentions at the begining that every human is like a player in an RPG, and that we can be strong, smart, good looking, lucky, happy and rich, but only any 4 at once. He says this is the case for 90% of people. The rest are blessed or damned.

Paul- Chris's brother
Blake- Chris's friend
Chris's Mom- Works at a pawn shop
Glen's Mom- Not too big of a part, maybe I should put more enphasis on her?

Mateo- head gang member
T- Rips of people shoes, and sells them in the street, in the gang also
Kyle- 3rd member

Aj- Another young kid wanting to be gangster, he shaved a dollar sign in the back of his head, and is also quite fat. Makes Glen prove his raping skills. Is similar to Glen in the way that him and his friends are fake and pretending people.
Aj's friends- 2

Glen in your normal, nice suberban kid living in Coperfield(rich place). He is sort of confined, really enjoys video games, and somtimes in panic acts like a fighter from Virtua Fighter, with his controller pad in hand as he kicks and jumps around. His friend Chris calls him over, b/c they're going to a movie in 10 minutes. He also says that afterwards ther'll be a sleepover, so Glen will bring his Gamecube and 3 games. Glen questions why they can't pick him up, but Chris's mom comes home in 5 min, and they can't pick everyone up in time, so everyone is to meet at his house. Glen is in the middle of a game he wants to fininsh, so he says he'll take a shortcut through Sommerall(the ghetto), to get to chris's house faster afterwards. Chris says don't do it, b/c he's done that before and almost got killed. Glen goes anyway, and steps into Sommerall, (with it's Neighborhood Crime watch "We will report all suspicious activity" sign, i'm sure youve seen it before) And soon Mateo, the head of the gand, grabs Glen and says "Welcome to Sommerall *****" and steals his stuff (his Game cube, games, shoes and watch) Glen is knoked out while trying to fight the trio gang at the border of the two subdivisions with his fighting moves. He is unconcious. As he is getting beaten, Chris's mom drives by (also doing the shortcut), not recognizing anyone, and ironicly says "Someone should do something," like it's not her concern or place she lives. So Chris and his friends are call Glen again, no answare, and Chris panics. His mom arrives, and they are in the middle of their own video game. Chris tells everyone about sommerall, and tells about seeing Mateo, T, and Kyle before in a flashback. Soon they are late, and then Paul say's "Let's just take a shortcut through somerall." Chris is angry, but agrees, only to look for Glen on their way through it. His mom hears this, but doesn't understand.
She convinces the kids they'll all be safe in her van.

So they go through Sommerall, and drive by the exit (near Glen's). They can't see Glen, because he is so skinny and is flat on the grass.
They go to the movies, and return at night. Glen's mom arrives, and can't find Glen. She is worried, and calls Chris. Chris arrives home, and him and friends are having a sleepover. Glen's mom calls him, and Chris says he's having a sleepover, and she says "Oh, okay, just making sure," assuming Glen must be there as well.

(Either that or Chris says they'll look for glen tommorow)

At night, we go back to sommerall, and are introduced to AJ and his 6th grader friends hanging out under the bridge. It is 10:00, and one suggests they should go, because at 10:30 the 8th graders meet under there, with guns. They are as fake as Chris and Glen are. They walk to AJ's house, and notice Glen's body. AJ mentions that he is so used to seeing uncontious bodies. The kids decide to take Glen.

(Either back to under the bridge, so they'll see what happens to Glen when the 8th graders show up. OR they go on back to AJ's.)

At Aj's house, Glen wakes up, and pleads to leave the house, to get back home. The kid's won't let him leave unless he can prove his rapping skills. Glen say's he cant rap, but they don't care, and say that he has to beat all 3 of them, with AJ last. So the first guy does a funny rap, and Glen does his. "Yo..yo.. I got a yo-yo.." They say they'll let that slip and he goes onto the next kid. This time around, glen is slow in his rymes, but they are pretty good, because he uses his head, and is very smart. They are very impressed, and AJ walks in, (a very large kid). "I came into my kitchen, gimme some recognition, today I went fishin, while on the john ****tin..what I mean is in the sink..ect."

(How do I shoot this important scene without seeming cheesy. Here Glen learns alot about the Ghetto he did'nt know at all in the rymes. The film is a comedy, but I believe it needs to have some drama in it to keep suspense.)

So Glen recoils with a really good rap. "I'm a high speed cat who reads your act quickly, obviously too many trips to the donut shop shipley's, ect."
Everyone is very impressed, and let him leave.

(Glen asks to use the phone, or a map but they claim not to have one. Or they maybe kick him out of the house. I need to make AJ look mad and not want to help Glen, while also being impressed, because I can't have Glen use the phone or a map (the story would be over then)

On his way out, Glen picks up a fake gun and some fake money. It is now morning, and Glen walks around lost. He walks down some streets, seeing some funny stuff. Two cars are about to drag, and the person starting the race says "Hold on playas" walks over to the speed limit sign that reads 30 mph, and with spray paint changes it to 80 mph. He yells go. Glen tries to keep a low profile. He soon meets up with a drugdealer.
Glen - Do you know how to get to copperfield?
DD- You got any drugs on you?
Glen- No, see...
DD- (interupts) Oh I see, you want you want to sell some stuff to those rich kids. You came to the right place. I'm stocked. I have these low profile valium pills. They look like flintstone characters, but they'll actually get you Flint-stoned!

We now cut back to Mateo and Kyle. They have the Game cube, the watch, and a few games from Blockbuster. They decide to go to the pawn shop to sell the stuff, (where Chris's mom works, but they don't know that). They ride off in their cadilac.

We cut to a house with alot of crap in the front yard, very ugly, with a "YARD OF THE MONTH" sign on it.
Glen- We'll it's pretty artistic.
He walks by a sewer, and someone yells to him.
"Hey playa, got any money to support our record label?"
Glen- "Uh no man, sorry."
The man in the sewer grabs his leg, and Glen yells for help. T, who is selling a pair of Nike's, sees him, and runs to help him. He throws a firework in the sewer.
T- "That outta end their careers."
Glen- So that's why they call it underground music. How can I repay you man?
T takes off his sunglasses, and realizes it's the kid his gang whoped. He takes advantage of the situation in a cool maner.
T- Well you don't have any shoes, got any money?
Glen- I got $90.
T- How'd we miss that..I..I mean oh, 90$ will get you a new pair of Nike Shox, and some hip street gear. You really need some if you want to survive in tha hood.
He pulls out Glen's shoes (that he stole), and Glen tries them on. The audience does'nt know if Glen knows its his agressor.
Glen- Sure I'll buy these, heres your money.

(T does'nt check if it's real somehow, this is necessary, because Glen slowly walks off, and when T notices it's fake money, chases after him.
How do I do this best?)

Glen doesn't know where to go, so he runs around sommerall with T on his tail, and soon goes into a street with a dead end. He hops over the fence, and continues strait. He drops his jacket to make him go faster, and T continues to follow. Soon a neighbor calls the cops on them, only because it's HIS problem and the kids are trespassing. Soon enough, either Glen sees the entrance to Copperfienld, OR, he can jump over a fence, stop, T could continue forward, maybe thinking T would go to Copperfield, and he can follow. So they get to the entrance to copperfield, and somehow, Glen has to be leading again, because this is the tricky part. Glen sees the entrance, and runs into Copperfield. He keeps on looking back, and eventually runs into a recycling bin, tripping over. Hopefully, the audience feels sorry for our hero, while also getting a good laugh.

Is this possible, or will they just be like, "This is a damn comedy, I don't care about any drama or message."


So it heats up quickly, and the two get in a very unfair fight.
T- You think you can steal my stuff and run?
Glen- You stole this from me!
They duke it out, and soon Glen is so weak.
Neighboors from both subdivisions run outside, just to watch, but don't help. T finally pulls out a knife, and is about to stab Glen. In the brink of time, the cop shows up, and tells them both they are under arrest for fighting.
Glen tries to tell the cop that he is the victim, but the cop tells Glen that T is bleeding as well.

We go back to Mateo and Kyle who enter the pawn shop. Chris's mom doesn't notice them. They ask Chris's mom how much the game cube is worth, with the 3 games he has also. Chris's mom says for them to hold on. She phones chris, and asks him what the stuff is worth, mentioning the 3 games.
Chris- the system is crap, but those are the 3 best games out now, i'd give him like $20 for 2, and Virtua Fighter, damn that's Glen's favorite, I'd give them like $30.
She goes back, and they show her Glen's watch.

(Maybe something other than a watch, something the mom and Chris could remember giving to glen, that would be valuable.)

It is a special kind, and Chris's mom remembers it from somewhere. She phones chris again, and Chris says that's exactly what he bought for Glen's birthday. He also says that he remembers telling Glen to bring his Gamecube and the 3 games she mentioned before. They both realize who their dealing with, and Chris's mom says she saw someone get beat up yesterday, and that it was 3 on 1. She then calls the cops, and goes back to stall Mateao and Kyle.

At chris's house, the kids are very excited that the gang members will be arrested. Somehow they drive over to the pawn shop, so they can see it all unfold.

We cut back to the cop car, and he gets a call to immediatley proceed to the pawn shop, because two theifs are there. He is very close, and the cop decides to check it out, still with Glen and T. Glen mentions that his friends mom works there. We wait a little more, and arrive at the pawn shop. The cop steps out, and backup also arrives. While waiting for Chris's mom, Mateo and Kyle talk about stealing stuff from the shop. The cop walks in, and they are very scared.
Mateo- Hey esse, we didn't do nothing.
Cop- You have the right to remain silent, I'm going to need to search you. A flintstoned pill drops out of Kyle's pocket. Suddenly, the drug dog bursts in and starts biting the two. This is very comical. At this time, Chris and his friends arrive. They look at the stuff, and tell the cop that it's Glen's stuff, and that he is missing. Chris's mom also says that she now recognizes the hoodlums, but previously did'nt do anything about them beating up a kid she did'nt notice (Glen).

(Maybe Chris can say that everything would have been fine if she had, regardless of it was in Copperfield or not.)

Glen bursts in the pawn shop.
Glen- Welcome to my crew, *****!



Well thanks for staying with me this whole time. The dialogue is nowhere near what I'm going to do, it's just to make this compact. I guess in total it'll be about 20 minutes.

So please respond to any questions I had, in the paranthesis. Also tell me generally what you though. Does the story have a meaning? Is it too funy to have a point? Do we root for Glen?
What worked/did'nt work?
It is very important for me to establish (the audience's liking of Glen) How should I do that. Is the opening fine like it is, or should I have something more with Glen and Chris so the audience cares more when he is in danger. Thanks alot for reading!

Neigborhood Crime Watch? Sounds a lot like my Neigborhood Watch script, (not the one from this website) maybe i should start copy righting my stuff screenwritter14, if that is your real name.

I also have a film titled "Watching Crime in the Neighbourhood." Weird.

lol... you should call it "Crime in 'da hood"

- C. Davis
YELLOW HAMMER PRODUCTIONS

Popcorn, could you imagine if your movie made it to syndication?

ANNOUNCER: You're watching "Watching Crime in the Neighbourhood" on TNT.

heh

- C. Davis
YELLOW HAMMER PRODUCTIONS

I think I'll be keeping my script title. I was thinking about "Stuck in Sommerall," but it does have to do with crime watch. Did you guys even read it? I need some feedback..

I began to read it and then my mind exploded because of all the names you tried to get me to learn.

So no, I didn't read it.

Good luck, though.

"Don't breathe or I'll kill you!"

I got way too confused too. Sorry i would have liked to help you.

Forget about the character list at the begining. Just read through and you'll catch on.
You just need to know-

live in coperfield
Glen, Chris, Paul, Chris's Mom(pawn shop owner), Glen's Mom

live in sommerall
Mateo, T, Kyle, Aj

Come on I spent about 1 hour and 10 minutes writing this thing. The least you guys can do is call me a whigger or something!

whigger.

if youre looking for a witty signature, youre looking in the wrong place.

ok. i skimmed it. some of the oneliners were kinda cool. i liked the flintstoned line. others... "thats what i call underground music" made me cringe. story sounds like a decent idea though, im not sure if it would work well, its got to be incredibly serious in that over the top sort of way (not sure that made sense)or just incredibly over the top and not serious at all. maybe you should touch it up a little before asking advice on it though, it was a little disorienting. of course that may be because i just skimmed it...

if youre looking for a witty signature, youre looking in the wrong place.

quote:

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Originally posted by jarmusawa:
whigger.

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I was being sarcastic you jack@$$! Anyway for anyone thinking this is going to be a lame 8 mile or Malibu's most wanted ripoff, know that I don't really condone rap in any way plus I though of the original idea 2 years ago. It's mostly about how some people have smarts and some are strong, and which one really ends up winning. Most of all I tried to make it funny. And I can't put all of the script in here, it'd take about 25 pages, so I had to just shorten it alot, and hoped that you guys could understand it.

dude i hope you didnt take me seriously...

if youre looking for a witty signature, youre looking in the wrong place.

quote:

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Originally posted by jarmusawa:
dude i hope you didnt take me seriously...

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I hope you did'nt take me serious either, I was trying to sound funny.

I hope noone takes me seriously.