OK... so im making a comedy about a guy who hires a hit man to kill his Ex-GF and I need some help.. its to deal with the ending... basically he [Boyfriend] gives him [hitman] the money to do the job but the hitman wastes allt he money on stupid stuff and the boyfriend finds out so he tails the hit man like the hitmans tailing the girl.. so its like one big line kinda... then the hitman decides to skip town and the boyfriend gets a call that lets him know that everythings alright and they can get backtogether or some **** and tries to tell the hit man (who's leaving town)and he speeds after the hitman .. the hit man goes faster and ends up killing the girl on accident...puts the body in the trunk and throws it in the water.. So i need some help with this story.. can anyone perhaps suggest what';s worng with it.. I know its definitly not perfect and this is just a basic idea but i have a lot more details that make it better. please comment

oh yeah and don't steal this idea. hahha I know I can trust you guys...

This is a comedy??

You're going to have to be a bit more clear...

You've got to give someone for the audience to relate to.

They can't relate to the boyfriend because he's deranged enough to want to hire a hitman to kill his girlfriend.

They can't relate to the hitman because he has no morals. Worse, he seems to be spending all this money on "stupid stuff..." appears he's an idiot too.

And of course you can't relate to the ex because she dies.

If you want this to be a comedy, you have to have someone the audience can lock onto and react with. Someone that recognizes the absurdity of the situation. Otherwise it'll just put people off.

Yeah, how can I do that.. The hitman is supposed to be like the main funny thing in the story. And he **** he buys is supposed to be funny. How can I make the audience relate to sometihn in this story. I was originally thinking that the boyfiend was so mad at the girlfriend because she cheated on him or sometihng like that like just totally was a big ***** but im not sure if that would work? maybe introduce a new character or perhaps, not have the girl die in the end? this would be appreaciated

-james d.Poplar Park Films Online

oh and yes this is supposed to be a comedy.

Maybe the boyfriend was drunk when he hired the hitman? Everythings excusable when you're drunk?
I personally wouldn't kill off the girlfriend. Maybe she could get thrown into the river still but not be dead (which could add more laughs later on).

Wait why would the boyfriend care what the hitman spent his money on?

quote:

Originally posted by Poplar Park Films:
Yeah, how can I do that.. The hitman is supposed to be like the main funny thing in the story. And he **** he buys is supposed to be funny. How can I make the audience relate to sometihn in this story. I was originally thinking that the boyfiend was so mad at the girlfriend because she cheated on him or sometihng like that like just totally was a big ***** but im not sure if that would work? maybe introduce a new character or perhaps, not have the girl die in the end? this would be appreaciated

Well while I'm not a fan of the story at all, the way I'd do it is have the boyfriend, in a drunken stupor and bout of sudden depression like somebody mentioned, mention to "the dumb friend" that he wished she were dead. Dumb friend takes it literally, knows a guy who knows a guy, and sets the gears in motion. Boyfriend wakes from drunken stupor, realizes horror of situation, and tries to stop it, hilarity? ensues. It's been done before in some flavor or another, but that's becaues the formula works [the best way a story like this can work]. The boyfriend is the victim of the situation and is morally sound, and is thus the main character people can appreciate and follow.

that is a good idea but its kinda like the guy hates this girl so much that he just pushes it to a new level. like have you ever hated someone sooo much that you tinhk for a second
"why don't they just die?" like and that's what this guy's about but like he actually goes that far. So it's kind of a dark comedy. The hitman is a total idiot who just wastes the money for the job on retarded stuff and tries to leave the town without the job even being done...

Well then I don't see it being very funny. Sorry.

Meh.
I can see how it could become a comedy, similar to the way Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels could be classified as a comedy.

But unless you are extremely confident in your dialogue writing and have a clear stylistic vision, it would be very, very difficult to pull something like that off.
This probably wouldnt be a good choice for your 1st or 2nd film. But then again, if this story is very important to you, I don' want to discourage you. By all means go ahead and make it and if you have any more questions in the process, we are all crouching by our computers waiting for someone to post a new thread.

yeah I dunno, I thought this had real potential but who knows... I just had some deadly ideas maybe you guys just don't see them like I do. Hm... well I'm still gonna go through with wrting the script though then we'll see how I feel after that. I just had envisioned this deadly ass opening scene where the boyfriend is at a bank taking out a loan and like the titles are like happeing sorta like the begining to oceans 12 and then it goes after the main titles are done to the Mexican hitman in the restaurant and the camera pans up on him and he says: "So what do I do?" and yeah i pretty much have like the starting to a movie all planned out but no foundation. I'll keep working on it though. Get some other opinions on what can happen aswell.. thanks for some help guys keep it coming.

You should make this a dark comedy, and have the boyfriend who comically says to the hitman, doesn't know the guy is a hitman, that he hates his girlfriend and wants her dead. However his house and money are tied up with her. The Hitman takes his money for the hit and the plot continues. The Hitman could be a old man with little skill.

Yeah, you lose all empathy for the main character if he decides to kill his girlfriend. He needs to do it accidently otherwise he's just a dick and it won't be a comedy, in my opinion.
Then again, rules are made to be broken.