For a while now, I have been thinking of revising this screenplay I wrote some time ago.I intended to juxtapose a pollitical allegory set in the back drop of two kids with their lemonade stands competing for business of opposite sides of the street. Here are some points I need considered:

-Are the elements of my allegory too veiled? Are they too prominent?
-How are my characters? Are they too two dimensional? How can they improve?
-Do the elements seem one sided? The complaints I heard that the allegory slands to the left too much. However, I want to portray an even ground.
-The reason why I chose kids as the characters is because a theme is how childish politics can be. Did I articulate that well?
-Lastly, can you rate me on a 1-10 scale of how I did overall and average to a final score. Can you do it like this:
Character development
Plot Structure
Dialogue
Artuculation of themes
Tilt (How you liked the screenplay)
Please rate each on a 1-10 scale average them all together in one overall score.
-I need a title.


If there is any other issues you'd like to chime in about, by all means let me know. Without further ado, here is my screen play



EXT. STREET-DAY

AS OPENING CREDITS ROLL, JUXTAPOSE TWO KIDS assembling
lemonade stands using SPLIT SCREENS. MATTHEW is wearing a
blue shirt, ADAM is wearing a red shirt. AS CREDITS CLOSE,
DISSOLVE SPLIT SCREEN INTO ONE IMAGE. As Matthew and Adam
finish their stands, they both notice that they are right
across the street from each other.

ADAM
Hey!

Matthew acknowledges Adam. He moves across the street,same
with Adam. They both meet in the middle of the street.

ADAM
Go set up your stand some place
else!

MATTHEW
Forget you, its my side of the
street.

ADAM
You'll steal my customers.

Matthew
I probably will, I make my drinks
fresh with real lemons

ADAM
Huh? No one's gonna want to drink
that bitter, watery junk. I have
the perfect taste of powdered
lemonade. Also, you call that pile
of wood a stand?

Matthew's stand is flimsy, ragged thing with a big wood board
acting as a table supported by two trash cans.

MATTHEW
Hey! It's got character.

ADAM
Character don't sell the goods my
friend. As compared to mine.

Adam's stand is much nicer looking.

ADAM
Your's is chump change, I'm better
than you, so ha!

Adam tries to return to his stand. Matthew stands his ground.

MATTHEW
You wanna bet?

Adam stops dead in his tracks.

ADAM
(Reluctant.)
Sure, what are the terms?

MATTHEW
(Looking at his watch)
It's eleven o'clock now, so, who's
ever sold the most by sundown,
wins.

ADAM
What's at stake?

MATTHEW
If I win, you have to clean my
room.

ADAM
If I win, you have to ask out my
sister.

Matthew pauses, then puts out his hand.

MATTHEW
(Cooley)
Deal.

ADAM
You're on.

They shake hands, then part ways.

ADAM
(turning back to Matthew)
Hey, how much are you selling per
cup?

MATTHEW
Fifty-cents.

ADAM
Well, you're gonna lose because I'm
selling at a dollar per cup.

MATTHEW
We'll just have to see.

They part ways back to their stands.



DISSOLVE TO:



EXT. STREET-DAY

A RUNNER jogs hard in the middle of the road. His efforts are
making him thirsty. He stops in between the two stands. He
looks to Adam's dollar lemonade, then to Matthew's fifty-cent
lemonade. He makes a decision.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

RUNNER
Yeah, I'll take a cup.

MATTHEW
Fifty-cents please.

Matthew makes the cup and complete's the transaction. The
runner runs away, drink in hand.

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

Adam just saw what happened from his side.

ADAM
Dang!

CUT TO:



INT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

Then we see Adam putting up a new sign: FORTY FIVE CENTS. Matthew sees
this from his side of the street. He goes to Adam.

MATTHEW
What are you doing?

ADAM
Like you said, may the best man
win.

MATTHEW
That wasn't part of it! Turn it
back.

ADAM
Why can't you be fair, jerk!

MATTHEW
Turn it Back!

ADAM
No!

Matthew just storms back to his stand.

CUT TO:



MONTAGE-DAY



SHOTS OF A PRICE WAR.

CUT TO:



EXT. STREET-DAY

At the end of the price war, both sides are tied at ten
cents.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

Matthew is mixing lemonade. Then we someone skateboarding up
to his stand

SOMEONE
Hi Matthew.

MATTHEW
Hey BRYAN.

BRYAN
What's up.

MATTHEW
I'm tired of being poor, so I'm
selling lemonade.

BRYAN
At ten cents?

MATTHEW
Look across the street.

Bryan looks across the street at Adam's stand to see the ten
cent price. At that moment, another KID rolls up on his bike
to Adam's stand.

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

KID
Adam! What's going on?

ADAM
BRAD my man, please sit.

Brad sits on the table.

BRAD
Did we have any homework?

ADAM
Yeah, that stupid multiplication
worksheet. Forget that crap.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

MATTHEW
So after all that, we're deadlocked
at ten cents.

BRYAN
Wow.

MATTHEW
Yep.

A beat.

BRYAN
So, what's been going on between
you and that one chick in our
class?

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

BRAD
I don't think it's that bad. It's
actually quite enjoyable.

ADAM
Brad man, your priorities aren't in
the right place.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

MATTHEW
(Laughing)
I don't know what you are talking
about.

BRYAN
ALEAH?

MATTHEW
Hmm. Doesn't ring a bell.

BRYAN
Yeah right! I've seen you two.

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

ADAM
It's so boring! I can't stand it.

BRAD
It gives me a nice challenge.

ADAM
It's hard for me. It's writing I'm
into.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

MATTHEW
Alright! We've been, talking.

BRYAN
Talking? That's it?

MATTHEW
Yep.

BRYAN
OK.

A beat.

MATTHEW
Okay, I kissed her on the cheek
once.

Bryan's face lights up like a Christmas tree.

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

BRAD
Writing! What thinking does that
have?

ADAM
It's not thinking, it's creating.

BRAD
Whatever. Anyway, what do you think
of that one kid?

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

Bryan is mad grilling Matthew.

MATTHEW
Put a sock in it.

BRYAN
(Laughing and singing)
Matthew and Aleah sitting in a
tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes
love, then comes marriage...

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

ADAM
JOEY? That kid?

A CRASH is heard in the distance.

BRAD
Yeah, him. He seems a little off,
don't you think?

ADAM
Yeah, he doesn't seem to talk to
girls much. He acts rather weird.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

Matthew is holing ice over Bryan's nose.

MATTHEW
I'm so sorry!

BRYAN
It's okay. That's what I get for
playing with fire right?

A beat

MATTHEW
So, what do you think about that
new kid Joey?

BRYAN
He's pretty strange,but whatever,
I'll accept him.

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

ADAM
He's just so, so, so out there.

BRAD
Have you seen the way he dresses?

ADAM
Yeah. I just can't really accept
him. I wonder what those morons
think. HEY!

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

BRYAN
What!

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

ADAM
What do you think of that new kid?

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

MATTHEW
Strange, but, whatever!

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

BRAD
Would you be friends with him?

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

BRYAN
Maybe. Why?

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

ADAM
Why? He's a freak! People aren't
supposed to be that way! I don't
think he even likes girls!

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

BRYAN
Dude! Who cares? He doesn't have to
think about girls!

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

BRAD
Boy's are supposed to think only
about girls! It's supposed happen
no other way, you idiot!

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

MATTHEW
Forget you!
(To Bryan)
I have lemonade to make, could you
sort him out?

BRYAN
Sure.

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

ADAM
Could you take care of him?

BRAD
No problemo, amigo.

CUT TO:



EXT. STREET-DAY

They both get up and meet dead in the middle of the street.

BRYAN
Brad, dude, why you gotta be
starting stuff man?

BRAD
Because it's fun! Lighten up, will
you?

Brad pushes Bryan.

BRYAN
Why did you do that?

He pushes back. They then start this slapping thing. They
start to wrestle. Fag Fight! It's truly pathetic. Matthew and
Adam run in and break it up.

MATTHEW
Break it up.

ADAM
Why don't you two get a room?

Bryan gives Brad a Wet Willie from heck, then receives a
purple-nurple from Brad. Matthew and Adam break it up.

BRAD
This ain't over.

He gets on his bike and rides off.

MATTHEW
Are you okay?

BRYAN
Yeah. I gotta go. See you later,
Math.

He leaves. Matthew and Adam exchange dirty looks and separate
once again.

CUT TO:



EXT. STREET-DAY

It is now late day. Some time has passed since the fag fight.

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

Adam is finishing up with a CUSTOMER.

ADAM
Ten cents please.

They complete the transaction.



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

Matthew is counting the cash in his cash box.



EXT. STREET-DAY

A LITTLE BOY walks in. He stops in the middle of the road. He
goes to Adam's stand

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

The little boy walks up to the stand.

LITTLE BOY
Can I have some lemonade?

ADAM
Sure.

Adam proceeds to make the cup. He then gives the lemonade to
the boy.

ADAM
Ten cents please.

LITTLE BOY
(Skittishly)
I don't have any money.

ADAM
Well.
(Takes back the lemonade.)
I should of asked for it first,
silly me. Buzz off.

The Little boy leaves to Matthew's stand.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

LITTLE BOY
Could I have some lemonade?

MATTHEW
Sure. Have ten cents?

LITTLE BOY
No.

MATTHEW
Okay.

He makes the lemonade

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

Adam looks on with a smug look on his face.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

The transaction is complete.

LITTLE BOY
Thank you so much.

MATTHEW
Any time pal.

The Little Boy leaves.

ADAM
(O.S.Laughing)
Oh my gosh!

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

Adam could not believe what he just saw.

ADAM
What the heck was that? I mean, do
you want to win this little bet?
You want to be my slave!

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

MATTHEW
Back off me! It's just one measly
cup! He looked really thirsty

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S STAND-DAY

ADAM
You know what? Forget it! Lets
count our earnings now! Bring your
box over here!

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

MATTHEW
No way! Bring your box over here!

They stare at each other.

CUT TO:



EXT. STREET-DAY

They wind up in the middle of the street, MUMBLING to them
selves, counting.

ADAM
What's nine times three?

MATTHEW
You don't have twenty-seven bucks!

ADAM
I have three stacks of nine
dollars.

MATTHEW
Those are quarters stupid.

ADAM
Alright, how many in a dollar?
Four?

MATTHEW
You're so stupid.

ADAM
I'm not stupid.

MATTHEW
Yes you are!

Matthew tips over Adam's box.

ADAM
Great, now I have to start over,
thanks.

MATTHEW
Good, maybe you can learn to count
that way.

ADAM
Just count! My favorite show starts
in ten minutes.

A beat.

MATTHEW
Did you see BECCA'S nose ring at
school the other day?

ADAM
Yeah, wasn't that gross?

MATTHEW
I thought that was cool.

ADAM
How could you do that to yourself?

MATTHEW
It'S her body, so it's her choice.

ADAM
Well, she needs to think about what
she's doing to other people.

MATTHEW
Who is she hurting? If it what she
wants, then-

KID
Hello boys.

Matthew and Adam stop counting and look up. It's MARK, an
older kid from up the street.

MATTHEW
Hey Mark.

MARK
What are you doing?

ADAM
Counting.

MATTHEW
We have a bet that who has more
money, wins.

MARK
Ah. Well, look at my air-gun.

Mark pulls out an AIR GUN. A plastic one that shoots plastic
BB's.

MARK
This shoots plastic BB's really
fast, watch.

Mark aims at Adam's box and pulls the trigger. With a POP, it
shoots a BB right through the box.

MARK
Pretty nice, huh?

ADAM
Yeah.

A beat.

MARK
Hey, you two have a lot of cash.
Give me some.

MATTHEW
(Dollar in hand)
No way, we worked too hard for-

Mark puts a BB right through Washington's head. A beat.

MARK
I said give me, both of you.

CUT TO:



EXT. STREET-DAY

MARK
(Riding off on his bike.)
See yah later, losers. Oh, yeah,
I'll be back tomorrow for more
money. If you don't sell, you're
dead.

Mark turns on a street and disappears around a corner.

ADAM
Great, just great.
(Yelling)
Hope you enjoy it, jerk!

Adam does this kick in the air (homage to Napoleon Dynamite).
Matthew heads toward his house.

ADAM
Where are you going?

MATTHEW
I'm telling my Mom.

Adam walks after him. They wind up on Matthew's lawn.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S LAWN-DAY

ADAM
Why? What is she gonna do? Call his
parents?

MATTHEW
Why won't that help?

ADAM
His parents don't care what he
does. We have to take him out our
selves.

MATTHEW
He's a little bigger than us.

ADAM
So? He can't take both of us.

MATTHEW
No! I'm telling my mom.

Matthew heads toward the house. Adam grabs him and socks the
living crap out of Matthew. He hits the ground hard. He
regains his bearings.

MATTHEW
Why did you do that?

ADAM
You are such a sissy.

Adam walks away. Matthew gets up and tackles Adam in the
back, running him into Matthew's lemonade stand. They CRASH
into it. They both go to the ground. Adam gets up. He gets on
top of Matthew and starts pummeling him. Matthew reaches for
a lemon that fell to the ground. He grabs and squeezes it
right in Adam's eye. He screams in pain and falls back.
Matthew gets up and wails on Adam. Adam then gets Matthew
square in the nuts. They continue to fight

CUT TO:



THE BROKEN STAND.

CUT TO:



THE CUPS AND LEMONS STREWN ACROSS THE GROUND.

CUT TO:



THE SHATTERED LEMONADE JUG.

CUT TO:



EXT. MATTHEW'S LAWN-DAY

They have tired themselves out. They can barely swing at each
other. Both of them finally drop to the ground. They BREATHE
HEAVILY.

ADAM
(Panting)
Sorry I hit you.

MATTHEW
(Panting)
Its okay. How are we gonna handle
Mark, man?

ADAM
Well, we have to tell somebody.

MATTHEW
you think my parents will do
anything?

They continue to PANT.

ADAM
I have an idea.

CUT TO:



EXT. STREET-NEXT DAY

It's the next day.

CUT TO:



EXT. ADAM'S AND MATTHEW'S STAND-DAY

Adam and Matthew have combined their stands into one. They
both are wearing purple shirts. They are making lemonade when
mark arrives for his "share".

MARK
Why, if it isn't the dork twins?
YOU know what I want, hand it over.

ADAM
Okay. But first.

He snaps his fingers. Then some BIG GUY comes and grabs Mark
by the collar and lifts him up.

BIG GUY
You messing with my Bro huh?

MATTHEW
Meet by big brother, BEN.

BEN
So, you're extorting my brother
Matthew huh? Well, no one lives to
tell the tale of the day he screwed
with my brother!

Matthew and Adam move towards Matthew's house. CAMERA FOLLOWS
THEM.

MATTHEW
Well, that was a good compromise.

ADAM
Yep.

PUNCHING can be heard from off screen. Mark SCREAMS.

MARK
(O.S.)
Someone help me!

ADAM
So, what do you think of that new
girl in our class?

MATTHEW
She's alright.

ADAM
Just alright? She's freaking
gorgeous!

MATTHEW
Yeah, but does she have integrity?

ADAM
What! Who cares!

MARK
(O.S.)
Please! Kill me already! AHHH!

MATTHEW
I like Stephanie better.

ADAM
Why? You'll never guess the things
I heard about her.

They both enter Matthew's house together.

FIN

Hmmm, I really like your concept but I do have some suggestions. I think that you should go back and list all of the political concepts that you find key to what makes our government unique, then you should go back and put those all in. Granted, I may have missed some of the more subtle details perhaps when I skimmed through the screenplay, I think that it generally is more of an allegory on price wars more so than on politics in general. But that is just my thought, and in general I really enjoyed the screenplay. Keep up the good work!