this is the beginning of something i'm working on:comments, thoughts,critiques?


Free to start failing



Scene 1:
INT.-MASON house-night
JANIE is sitting at her desk in her bedroom. Quietly you can hear her typing on the computer. Music is playing softly in the background. You can hear angry voices yelling at each other in the background, but JANIE keeps typing through out. The music is starting to get louder drowning out the sound of the yelling. Angry rock music is playing [Low Phi-Elephantum].

Camera switches outside to the house next door.

INT.- DEAN’S house-night
DEAN is sitting on the edge of his darkened bedroom smoking a cigarette. He can hear angry voices above his music. He walks over to his bedroom window, and draws back the blinds. He can see into JANIE’S window. She is standing there looking back at him he lifts his hand as if to wave; she waves back. Then she walks away from her window. He stands there staring then finally walks away from his window also.

Scene 2:
Ext.-MASON house-morning
JANIE is grabbing some notebooks and shoving them into a backpack. She walks out of the room. The camera sees her walking quietly down the stairs. Her mother, STACY, is sitting in the dining room with her head against the kitchen table, and drinking a cup of coffee. This doesn’t faze JANIE. She walks into the kitchen normally grabs an apple and then sits at the kitchen table next to STACY. STACY slowly lifts her head, and faces JANIE.

STACY
Hey baby.

JANIE
Mom.

Stacy
How’d you sleep?

Janie
Fine…you?

Stacy uses her hand to signal that she’s waving off the conversation. She gets up from the table, and walks to the kitchen. She pours herself another cup of coffee.

Stacy
Your father…

Stacy sounds choked up a little. Janie looks down at the table solemnly.

Stacy-cont.
****.

Stacy stands in the kitchen and wipes away at the tears falling down her face. She turns around so she isn’t facing Janie. Janie just sits there staring, and then she gets up and walks out of the room.
Ext.-MASON house-morning

Janie walks out of her house, and takes a deep breath as she stares up at the sky. We get a good look at her disposition. She is young, pretty, thin, but you get a sense of her intensity. Janie starts walking down the street to the corner.

Ext.-The corner-morning
DEAN is sitting on the curb at the corner smoking a cigarette. His dress is very dark, but he is handsome. He turns and sees Janie coming. He stands up and stubs out his cigarette.

Janie walks up next to him, and stands. It seems that they both are waiting for something, but neither of them say anything.

Dean
Your parents?

Janie
Eh.

Dean
Yeah.

Janie’s friend, KATE, pulls up in a car. She looks out and sees Janie and Dean. Dean nods in her direction.

Dean
I’ll see you later.

Janie
Bye.

Janie gets into KATE’s car. KATE drives away and Dean stands there looking down at the cement. He sits back down on the curb.

Scene 3:
Int.-KATE’S car-afternoon
Janie and KATE are sitting in the car at some abandoned parking lot. They are passing a joint between each other.

Janie
It’s just not getting any better.

KATE expels a hit, and then passes to Janie.

KATE
Yeah? Well…sometimes you just have to let **** go.

Janie
I know. I just don’t know how to do it.

Kate
I don’t know either.

Janie
Yeah…
Kate
So what’s with doom boy?

Janie
Who?

Kate
Doom boy…?

Janie
Dean?

Kate
Yeah.

Janie
Oh…I don’t know.

Kate
Oh.

Janie
Why?

Kate
I was just wondering. He just looked like someone you wouldn’t normally talk to…I was just curious.

Janie
Yeah…I don’t know. He’s cool I guess.

Kate
Yeah.

Janie
I just whatever…I don’t even care. Why are we having this conversation?

Kate
What conversation?

Janie
What?

Kate
What?

Janie
Never mind…just drive. I have to go to work.

Scene 4:
Int.-WALLY WORLD-day
Janie is walking around, stonily, picking up kids toys. Groups of annoying little kids are wandering around making a lot of noise. A ball flies and hits Janie in this head.

Janie
****.
A woman nearby with her two small children glares at Janie.

Janie-cont.
Sorry I just go hit by some balls.

The woman continues to glare.

Janie-cont.
I mean…a ball hit me in the head.

The woman continues to glare at Janie then starts to usher her children over to a new aisle just as WALTER walks in. The woman starts to talk to WALTER, and he nods dramatically giving Janie a stern look.

WALTER
Janie?

Walter comes walking up to Janie. He is wearing a similar smock, so you can tell he works there.

Janie
Yeah, Walter?

Walter
You really need to remember what kind of words we use here. This is a child friendly zone meaning the bad words are outside this zone.
[He is making dramatic hand movements to make his point.]I really can’t have you working here if you don’t understand that.

Janie
No…I do. Child friendly zone; I got it.
[Note sarcasm]

Walter
Thank You.

Walter walks off. Janie throws a plastic bat after him.

Scene 5:
Int.-MASON house-night
Janie walks inside the front door. The house is dark, and quiet for once. She walks into the kitchen, and sees the liquor cabinet open. Janie sighs.

Janie
Mom?

Janie grabs a couple pieces of bread. Then she walks over to another cabinet and gets a Tylenol out, and pours a glass of water. She walks towards Stacy’s room.

Janie
Mom?

Stacy
(Mumbling)
Janie?
Janie walks into Stacy and MASON’S room, and sees Stacy lying on their bed with a cloth over her eyes, and a bottle of whisky next to her.

Janie
Mom?

Stacy
Janie?

Janie
What the hell are you doing?

Stacy
Your father…

Janie sets down the Tylenol, bread, and water glass on her mother’s nightstand. She picks up the whisky bottle it’s half-full. Her mother’s glass is resting on the nightstand. Janie sits on the bed next to her mother and pours out a glass of whisky.

Janie
He left didn’t he?

Stacy
He…is such…an *******!

Stacy rips off the cloth over her eyes, and looks over at Janie.

Stacy-cont.
He left me!

Janie takes a sip of the whisky.

Janie
[Blandly]
Why?

Stacy
Because I didn’t want to try his…sexual desires…

Janie
[Interrupting]
Oh…Too much information.

Stacy-cont.
And I didn’t want to do what he wanted to do, and I didn’t pay the bills the right way, and because I didn’t buy him a new set of golf clubs, or buy his mother a birthday present, or give him the keys to a new Mercedes.
[Choking up]
I didn’t really mean anything to him.

Janie looks over at her mother seemingly unsympathetic. She downs the rest of the whiskey, and then gives her mother a stiff, awkward hug.

Janie
It will be okay.
Stacy
No it won’t.

Janie
Mom.

Stacy
I know.

Stacy falls against the pillows over dramatically.

Stacy-cont.
I just want to…castrate him!

Janie
Yeah…men.

Stacy grabs the bottle of whiskey out of Janie’s hands, and swigs it straight from the bottle.

Janie-cont.
Maybe you should get some sleep.

Stacy
Yeah…can you turn out the light?

Janie
Sure.

Janie gets off the bed grabbing the bottle of whiskey as she leaves. Stacy lies back against the pillows again, and Janie looks back at her before she turns out the lights.

Int.-Janie’s room-night
Janie walks into her bedroom and sheds off her work shirt. She grabs a t-shirt and sweater and puts those on. She turns on some music, and sits on her bed looking sad for a minute then she walks over to the window.

Int.-Dean’s room-night
Dean lies on his bed looking at a drawing. The lights are all turned out and he is smoking a cigarette. He hears the music from Janie’s room, and looks up from the drawing to the window. He can see Janie standing in her window looking down at his room. He walks over to the window, and waves. She waves shyly then walks away from the window. Dean looks disappointed, but then she returns. Janie holds up the bottle of whiskey.

Ext.-side yard -night
Dean and Janie are sitting cross-legged in the grass between their two houses. Janie is taking a swig off the whiskey bottle.

Dean
So he’s really gone?

Janie passes the bottle to him, and he takes a long swig.

Janie
I really don’t know.

Dean
Wow.

Janie
I know.

Dean
I mean...I’m sorry…I don’t really know how to do this.

Janie
It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.

Janie takes another swig of the whiskey.

Dean
I know when my dad left it was really hard for me. I mean, I was little, so it just sucked even more because I didn’t understand. I know that they both need to be happy…I couldn’t ask them anything more.

Janie
Wow…that’s really…mature.

Dean smiles as he takes another swig of the alcohol.

Janie-cont.
Is that why you have this whole doomy look?

Dean laughs.

Dean
No.

Janie
Really?

Dean
Yeah…that’s because of all the other baggage I have.

Janie laughs a little. Dean watches her smiling.

Dean-cont.
Do you want to see something?

Janie looks at him unsure, but then shrugs her shoulders.

Janie
Sure.

Dean stands up and holds his hand out to her. She accepts it, and he pulls her to her feet.

Int.-Dean’s house-night
They walk into Dean’s house quietly. He bumps into a table, and Janie tries to stifle a laugh.

Janie
[Whispering]
Are you drunk?

Dean
A little bit.

Int.-Dean’s room-night
They walk into Dean’s bedroom. Janie looks around the room mystified. Their are lots of pieces of artwork mostly photographs and drawings.

Janie
Wow.

Dean turns on some music. He goes to his desk and pulls out a photo album, and he hands it to Janie. Janie grabs it from him, and sits down on the bed. He sits down next to her. She opens it up, and looks at the photos.

Janie
These are really great.

Dean
Thanks.

Janie
No really. You are like mega talented.

Dean smiles.

Dean
It’s my passion.

Janie turns her head so that they are looking at each other. They share a “moment”, but then Janie turns away to the pictures. She goes through the rest and sees a couple pictures of her. She runs her hand over them, but doesn’t say anything. She closes the album.

Janie
Those were really beautiful.

Dean
Thanks.

Janie
I wish I knew what my “passion” was.

Dean
But you do know.

Janie
What?

Dean
Everyone knows…it’s just a matter of accepting it.

Janie
What do you mean?

Dean
You’re the type of person that has to have your life really be important.

Janie
Isn’t everyone?

Dean
You’d be surprised.

Janie
Huh.
Janie sits on the bed looking at Dean for a moment then she stands up.

Janie-cont.
I should probably go.

Dean
Wait, Janie!

Janie turns and he grabs her kissing her hard she is surprised at first then gives in to the kiss. Then she breaks away.

Janie
What?

Dean
Janie.


Janie
I really need to get home.

Dean
Yeah.

Janie
Bye.

Dean
Bye.

Janie walks out of the room, and Dean stands there looking confused.

Scene 6:
Int.-Kate’s car-morning
Kate is sitting in her car outside Janie’s house. She is looking over at Dean who is walking out of his house. He notices Kate and starts to walk over.

Dean
Kate.

Kate
Doom boy.

Dean
Where’s Janie?

Kate
Hiding from you.

Dean
[Surprised]
What?
Kate laughs.

Kate
I’m kidding. Relax.

Dean
[Relieved]
Okay…well can you tell her that I will be in the side yard tonight?


Kate looks confused.

Kate
Sure.

Dean
Thanks.

Dean walks off back towards his house when he is out of sight Janie comes walking out of her house. She opens the door to Kate’s car, and hops in.

Kate
Hey.

Janie
Hey.

Kate
Why were you taking so long?

Janie
I couldn’t find my notebook.

Kate
Ah…well way to keep me trapped out here with doom boy.

Janie
Dean was out here?

Kate notices the change in Janie’s voice.

Kate
What?

Janie
Nothing. What did he say?

Kate
Oh…to tell you that he will be in the side-yard tonight.

Janie doesn’t say anything.

Kate-cont.
What the **** does that mean?


Janie
I honestly don’t know.

Kate
Well, whatever.

Kate starts to drive off. Janie looks out her window towards Dean’s house.

From your first paragraph (and first paragraph only): 1) Kill "Scene 1:", it's unneeded and unprofessional. 2) Less is more. "Janie sits," not "Janie is sitting". 3) We see, we hear, we find, etc is the plague of the screenplay. "You hear," on the other hand, is unheard of. 4) Capitolize characters when first introduced only. 5) Unless a specific song builds to the story, you can hint at what kind of music, but let the director choose what works best. And if a specific song is critical, don't write it in as "[Low Phi-Elephantum]".

Some people think of screenplays as instruction manuals for directors which simply need to be filled out. You can't write a screenplay if you don't know how to write, it's that simple. I won't go into much more detail on this subject, but you need to take a few steps back and start reading lots of novels before you even start reading screenplays. Then try something like Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style" and Stephen King's "On Writing".

Write a few short stories, and once you're confident with your style and use of grammer, start reading as many screenplays as your schedule will allow. Also, start reading books about writing screenplays, like Syd Field's "Screenplay" and "The Spec Format Guide".

Once you reach this point, the only way to further your ability is to read and read and read and write and write and write.

quote:

Camera switches outside to the house next door.

Camera direction: big no-no. Let the director choose the shots.

I haven't had time to read it yet (but i will here in a bit), but I just wanted to reply to Brandon's post. This script is most likely for HIM to shoot. I may be wrong, but this is just what I'm guessing. If it is just for him, it's not gonna make a bit of difference if he writes what we hear or not. a script doesn't have to be in perfect grammer, format, or whatnot to be made into a student short, most likely it really doesn't matter as long as you/your crew can make sense of what is written.

I disagree. Unless you want to be a student film maker all your life, might as well start learning the craft the right way sooner than later. Unless you can pull miracles out of your ass and somehow manage to budget all your movies yourself, especially as a professional, you'll be showing your scripts to a lot of people who could be the deciding factor in whether or not your films are created or not.

Pre production is just as important, if not more than post. If you're proud of your work, you're not going to hand out your movie on a blank dvd with sharpie scribbled all over it, just like you're not going to hand out your script as a mash of badly formatted narative and unreal amounts of filler dialogue.

thanks for the tips. i appreciate the critiques. i knew that the format and styling was a little weird, but i will definitely take notice of that as i edit, and continue to write the script.

Hey Bianca, is that quote in your signature from Ghost World? I thought I recognized it from that and that movie was excellent.

It's alright, at a student film stage, to put shots in the script since you are probably going to shoot it and you want to have a reference to what you were thinking of when you wrote it. It might be best, however, to do it as a side note so when you actually do write to sell you don't write it down out of habit.

lol yeah it is from Ghost World...such a great film.