Okay. So one of my friends recently came up with the idea of shooting a film about a Medallion. At first, I was very skeptical about this idea. But once he told me about it some more, and told me about the ending he had in mind, I became more interested.

This is the general outline/summary:

Three kids are on a class outdoor trip, when they stumble on what appears to be an ancient golden medallion. It's cut into three pieces, and there is foreign writing engraved on it which they cannot read. Each of the kids take a piece home.

One of the kid's parents are workaholics, so they've hired a gardener to take care of the house from time to time. One night, the gardener discovers the piece of the Medallion. All the three kids pieces begin to glow (the other kids are asleep in their rooms at this time). We hear an earie voice say "Hello, John".

This strange force talks control of the mind of the Gardener. He uses him as a physical form to find the other three pieces. He "kidnaps" one of the kids (the one that lives in the house he works at). Another kid tries to call him the next day, but no answer. So he goes over the house, only to find him tied up. The gardener enters and we see him swing an axe at the kid. It fades out.

The last remaining kid returns with some more friends to the scene where the Medallion was found. He has been trying to call the other kids but no luck. In the background there is a shaded man. We see him leave. Later, the 3rd boy runs into this man again and he tells him to hide the piece and never talk of it again.

The boy does not listen, and goes to the house. Fortunately, the 'shaded' man has followed him there. Somehow, I'm not sure yet, the shaded man will defeat the gardener (John). John will vanish, presumed dead. (This needs work)

The final scene will be the boy who was hit with an axe, in hospital. One nurse comes over and asks for assistance from the doctor. The doctor tells the boy that there will be someone coming in, in just a second.

The new doctor steps into the room. The boy shakes with fear as the Gardener puts his gloves on.

Script so far:
http://www.chrishurn.com/gardenman.htm

I'd really like a lot of help on this one.Advice, suggestions, ANYTHING. Especially with making the plot more interesting, things I can get rid of, things to add, making it more artistic-visual and chilling (this especially) even suggest different scenarios etc if you can.

Any help would be great. Thank you!

-Chris

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Chris Hurn,

Ok. Exuse the double post, I've been really trying hard to think of ideas to change/make this film better.

What about if the gardener worked at a park, and owned a locket. (cut the medallion)

Maybe he had a girlfriend years ago who owned the locket, and she tragically died (somehow, not sure yet). The gardener lived all these years by himself in iscolation. (what more can be done here?)

This idea can surely be expanded. How can I get the audience to feel sorry for him, even though he is a murderer? I could have some quite intimate scenes with him and the locket under the moonlight, swinging slowly on a swing or something, perhaps. (example)

Can anyone else help me expand on this? I'm really looking to make something Tim Burton-style.

Maybe the gardener isn't even a murder? maybe it's just a myth and some kids go out and discover the truth about this gardener. Though I think that maybe a scary element could be added.

Anyone?

-Chris

I will reply by saying no gardener possesion idea. From an objective standpoint it seems almost corny- but the base of the idea sounds fine. Use the medallion idea, lose the gardener.

Even though you are making movies because you like too, it not a bad idea to think about what others might think of it as well- sometimes not so great ideas may seem cool when in your mind and when actually put in perspective you get to see the movie as it actually is. Pitch the idea or imagine a trailer and think whether people will want to go see it.


Get screenwriting books because along with helping you with formatting (which is important later on in life when you sell your script) they can be a great tool for story arcing and plot developing. Sometimes, even if you do know a lot about storytelling, it helps to see some of it put down in words- many books also provide you with helpful tips for organizing your story as well. The Screenwriters Bible is excellent and not too expensive.

Thanks;

Since then I have completely changed the idea of the film to a be about a homeless man called "The crusher" who lost his girlfriend. People had suspicions that he killed her. He lost his sense of life, and became homeless. The crusher gets into fights with other homeless, and is frowned apon by society.

Anyway, some kids are watching one of the fights, and finds a locket with the girlfriends picture on it. He takes it home and him and his two friends decide to go at night and find some answers. They are quite demanding with their questions. "Who's the girl?" etc. The crusher turns to run away, when one of the kids quietly asks him his name. He tells him, "Thomas". He then runs away. There is a nice scene with him looking at his girlfriends photo in the moonlight. (By now it will be apparent that he is not a killer)

Throughout the film there will be references to a man who has just escaped prison and is on the run. After thomas runs away, the kids run into this guy. One of the kids had a camcorder with him, because he's trying to make a documentary on the crusher (and an article for the school magazine). The convict grabs on of the kids, as we see through the dropped-camera lens.

in the end, the crusher comes back and turns a knife on the convict. We never see the crusher again.

It finishes with narration from one of the boys, them wrting their school article etc.

How about this idea? I think it works, and in fact I would really like to make this film.

I'd like to see some feedback though.

EDIT:

I've fleshed out most of a bare-bones script --really looking for feedback here. It's a quick one though, work needs to be done.

Keep in mind I am a high school student and this is for a very short film competition.

HERE:

THE LOCKET - WORKING TITLE


Screenplay by Chris Hurn
INT. INSIDE THE KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING
Flick. The bulky grey sheet otherwise known as a newspaper covers the camera view. 40 year old CHARLES turns the page.
CHARLES
When’s someone going these bums off the street. All they do is fill our streets with...
He stops to look at a new heading on the page. “Convict escapes woodland prison”.
CHARLES
Heh.
He continues to read the article with interest.
CUT TO:
EXT. DIRTY PARK - EARLY MORNING
A crowd of people watch as two homeless men circle each other in an old park. Three boys watch with curiosity.
JONNY (V.O.)
On the edge of the riverbank lived a homeless man. We called him THE CRUSHER. Rumour had it that he killed his girlfriend, just nobody could convict him. He looked mostly harmless, ‘cept for the fact that he got into fights all the time. See, that’s where he got his name...
THE CRUSHER runs a mans head down to the ground. He rises and claps his hands together as dust particles circle the air. THE CRUSHER looks like a worn out lion. There are tiny bits of leaves and other junk in his hair. He stands like an old tree as people begin to walk off behind him.
MAN
(background chatter)
Someone needs to do something about this violence..
JAMES, one of the three kids who have been watching THE CRUSHER notices a sparkling object lying on the ground. He leans down to pick it up.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE JAMES’ HOUSE - DAY
Thirteen year old JONNY stares at JAMES.
JONNY
Well?
JAMES
Well what?
JONNY
(impatiently) Give us a look!
NICK
Yeah James, cough it up.
The three kids gather around JAMES as he opens the locket. A small picture of a girl is revealed.
JONNY
There’s a picture.
JAMES
(sarcastically) Really.
NICK
I wonder who she is.
JAMES
Probably his girlfriend.
NICK
Why would he carry ‘round a picture of someone he murdered?
JAMES
(shrugs) Who knows.
JONNY
Let’s go and find out. I mean, this could be a great story for the school magazine.
JAMES
No way. Do you want to get us killed?
JONNY
He’s not going to kill us over a locket! What’s the worst he could do?
JAMES
I heard that if you disturb him he’ll crush your bones and then...
NICK
Shut up, James.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CRUSHER’S “HOME” - DAY
THE CRUSHER has noticed his locket is missing, and frantically searches for it. He pulls his head out of the bin covered in dirt and rubbish and sits down beside it, angry and upset.
CUT TO
EXT. OUTSIDE JAMES’ HOUSE - DAY
The three kids are still arguing. They are all talking at the same time, trying to make their own points.
JAMES
OK, OK. Look. We’ll go and at ask him who the girl is, then we come straight home. No mucking around.
CUT TO:
EXT. ON THE WAY TO THE PARK - NIGHT
The three kids are on their way to THE CRUSHER’s “home”. JAMES carries a torch.
JAMES
Are you sure we should be doing this?
JONNY
Cut it out, it’s not like we’re doing anything wrong.
JONNY pulls out a small handycam.
JAMES
What’s that for?
JONNY
The documentary. I don’t want to miss anything good.
JAMES sighs.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CRUSHER’S “HOME” - NIGHT
THE CRUSHER gently picks up an old photo of the girl. He shines a torch on the photo and smiles.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CRUSHER’S “HOME” - NIGHT
The three kids hide behind a small tree.
JONNY
We’re here.
JAMES
Shhhh!
He nudges JONNY. JONNY calls out to THE CRUSHER.
THE CRUSHER hears JONNY, and looks in the direction of the three kids. He slowly stands up and walks towards them.
JAMES
You idiot! Now he’s coming over.
JONNY
That’s a good thing, right?
The three of them stand up to see THE CRUSHER. JAMES pulls out the locket.
Immediately, THE CRUSHER snatches it back off JAMES.
JAMES
Who is she?
THE CRUSHER turns around and starts to walk off.
JAMES
Hey! I’m talking to you. Who’s the girl? Was she your girlfriend?
THE CRUSHER stops for a moment, and slowly turns. He holds the locket tightly, with a clenched fist. THE CRUSHER looks down, and appears to be upset.
JONNY
You didn’t kill her did you?
THE CRUSHER does not answer. He pauses to look at JONNY, and then shakes his head very subtly.
JONNY
What’s your name?
THE CRUSHER does not answer. He stops and waits before opening his mouth.
THE CRUSHER
(softly) Thomas.
THE CRUSHER then turns around, and runs away.
There is a rustle in a bush ahead. They turn around, and begin to walk home.
NICK
Look! Over there.
He points up ahead. A man is sneaking around the area.
NICK
That’s him - the guy who just ran ‘outta prison.
JAMES
You sure?
NICK
Yeah, I saw him in the paper.
JONNY turns on the camera.
The convict spots the kids and begins to chase them. JONNY drops the camcorder in shock.
The convict grabs JONNY. NICK and JAMES stop and turn around. He holds a knife up to JONNY’s neck.
CONVICT
Now listen very carfully. You’re going to forget you ever saw me. You’re going to run home, and keep your little mouths shut. Understand?
JONNY swallows and nods.
The convict sees the camcorder on the floor. A small red LED flashes, indicatating it is recording.
CONVICT
You. (pointing at JAMES)
Give me that camera.
JAMES doesn’t move.
CONVICT
Move!
JAMES leans down to to pick up the camera, when the convict groans. From behind him, THE CRUSHER steps out. He has put a knife through the convict’s back.
FADE OUT:
INT. JAMES’ ROOM.
JAMES is typing up an article.
JONNY (V.O.)
After that night no-one ever saw Thomas again.

(unfinished)

Thanks,

-Chris

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Chris Hurn,

I like the idea about the hobo scrapper named Crusher, but you should delete the kids and just go all out on this Crusher character. The kids are a real bore.