If you got a moment, please take the time to review this new script. Think it's too cliché. Let me know. Thankyou.


“Angelina”

by

Ralph N.J

Based on

A poem

By

E.J. Malinowski

BLACK SCREEN

V.O

Aunque tu marcha sea fatigosa
Y el cansancio te duela, no claudiques
Piensa en el río que tumbando diques
Avanza libre en fuerza candorosa.

FADE IN

EXT. Pizza Parlor – DAY

A woman, early 20’s, runs to the pizza parlor in a hurry.

INT. Pizza Parlor – DAY

She runs over to the rack where her apron hangs.

From a small door, the OWNER enters. He is old and of severe Italian features; a stereotype.

OWNER
Cacchio, Angelina! Ma ti sei accorta che ore sono? Eh! Ascoltammi! Tu non decidi quando vieni, IO decido! Capisci!

ANGELINA pays little attention to her boss’s rants as she ties on her apron and walks over to the bar where she picks up her notepad and pencil.

ANGELINA
(fast)
Sì, Signore. Non succederà più.
OWNER
Meglio per te. Al lavoro ora.

ANGELINA starts attending to the customers. The OWNER eyes her.

V.O

Si existes ¿Qué ha de ser más importante
Que vibrar en la esencia de la vida?

CUSTOMER
(irritated yet patient)
Le minéstron.

ANGELINA
(out of a dream; eyelids flapping)
Perdone?

CUSTOMER
(annoyed)
Le mi-nés-tron. Pas vrai! C’est la troisième fois que je le répète.

ANGELINA
Perdon’,’sieur.

She takes his order slowly zoning out.

CUSTOMER
(calming down)
Et une bouteille de San Pellegrino, s’il vous plaît.

ANGELINA is out of it again.

CUSTOMER
Ho! Vous m’entendez?

The OWNER, attending another group of customers, notices the problem.

He approaches ANGELINA and slaps her at the back of head.

OWNER
Svegliati! Vedi che lo fai aspettare!
(to customer; in perfect french)
Mes excuses monsieur, elle n’apprend jamais rien.
Vous prenez ?

CUSTOMER
Le minéstron et une bouteille de San Pellegrino, S’il-vous-plaît. C’est pourtant pas compliqué.

OWNER
Bien sûr, Monsieur. Tout à fait, Monsieur.

He writes down the order on his notepad and tears the sheet of paper which he hands to ANGELINA.

OWNER
Scendi dalle tue nuvole o ti fo’scender io!

ANGELINA takes the sheet of paper, nods and resumes attending to customers. The OWNER does likewise.

V.O

Sé aquel ave que con el ala herida
Aún sin volar, camina hacia adelante.

ANGELINA carries a tray with drinks. She accidentally runs into an older man, well dressed and professor like. Drinks spill on the floor with a loud crash.

OWNER
(O.S)
Ma Angelina! Cosa ti succede?! Devo far tutto io?!

ANGELINA kneels down to pick up the mess.

ANGELINA
Perdone, mon-

OLD MAN
Vabbe, Lee.

Recognizing the voice, ANGELINA looks up.

ANGELINA
Signor Clemenza. Non-
(change of tone)
Ha letto la mia sceneggiatura?

She rapidly scoops up the mess from the floor onto the tray.

CLEMENZA
Sì, l’ho letta. Interessante
(staring at ANGELINA’s neck)
Davvero, molto interessante.

ANGELINA stands up in front of CLEMENZA.

ANGELINA
Le è piaciuta?

As he speaks, CLEMENZA stares at various parts of ANGELINA: her hair, her eyes, her lips, her fingers (holding the tray), her neck etc.

He makes a couple of gestures.

CLEMENZA
Be...essendo il tuo professore...Non so...da un lato, sì...da un altro, no...Divertente,ma...c’è qualche incoerenza.

ANGELINA
Capisco, che tipo d’incoerenza.

CLEMENZA
(thumb and index finger together)
Piccola così...bisogna discutere...a che ora sei disposta?

ANGELINA
Alle sette e mezzo.

CLEMENZA
Perfetto. Mi raggiungi alle otto nel mio appartamento. Conosci l’indirizzo, vero?

ANGELINA
Sì, La ritroverò.

CLEMENZA
Bene. Così si possone precisare le cose. Ciao, Lee.

ANGELINA
Lei è l’unica persona a chiamarmi così.

CLEMENZA smiles, puts on his hat and coat and leaves. ANGELINA eyes him intensely.

V.O

Con paso firme y fiel contigo mismo
No dejes que tu barca pierda el rumbo
Ni ante el oleaje fero del egoísmo

CUT TO:

INT. Apartment – NIGHT

ANGELINA sits on a couch. Her script lies on a coffee table in front of her.

During the voice-over will play out a series of jump cuts:

- ANGELINA alone
- CLEMENZA entering the scene with two glasses of wine
- CLEMENZA discussing the script with ANGELINA
- CLEMENZA and ANGELINA talking more intimately¨
- CLEMENZA attempting to grope ANGELINA
- ANGELINA slapping CLEMENZA
- CLEMENZA alone

BLACK SCREEN

INT. Pizza Parlor – DAY

A customer, American by the watch, impeccably clean clothes and boyish physique, sits at a table intensely reading the menu. A manuscript, on the table, lies next to him.

ANGELINA approaches him.

ANGELINA
Ha scelto?

AMERICAN
(looking up)
Uh...do you speak English?

ANGELINA shrugs her shoulders apologetically with a brief smile.



AMERICAN
No matter
(eyes on the menu)
I’ll have..uh..the..Pizza Napo-Lee-Tana.

ANGELINA
(writing)
Napoletana

AMERICAN
And an Orange Soda

ANGELINA is back in a daydream.

The AMERICAN looks up at her in bewilderment.

AMERICAN
Uh..hello..orange soda?

The OWNER notices. He approaches ANGELINA.

AMERICAN
(to ANGELINA)
Uh, miss...one napo-lee-tana, one soda. Please?
Got that?

ANGELINA is slowly coming out of it.

OWNER
(slapping her)
Ma svegliati cicciona!

ANGELINA falls to the floor.

OWNER
(angry)
Alzati! Vuoi farmi vergognare?!

Customers begin to stare.

OWNER
(to customers)
Non è niente. Problema col personale. State tranquilli, per favore. Continuate a mangiare.


The customers obey.

OWNER
(to ANGELINA)
Alzati! Vuoi altro?!

He lifts his hand about to slap her again. The AMERICAN leaps up and grabs his arm, in vain.

AMERICAN
Wait! Don’t hit her! She didn’t nothing by it!

The OWNER, stronger, shoves him off.

OWNER
Cos’ha da intervenire Americano insensato? Questi non sono affari suoi!
(sigh of exasperation)
NON IMPARATE NIENTE, VOI AMERICANI STRONZI!

He throws the AMERICAN to the floor as well as his manuscript, papers flying.

The OWNER leaves ANGELINA and the AMERICAN to their crawling. They start to pick up the fallen pages.

ANGELINA examines the page nearest to her. It looks like the page of a script.

The AMERICAN, busy gathering the pages, takes ANGELINA’s page.

AMERICAN
Thanks. I’m sorry. I shoudn’t have...

He shakes his head and tries to sort out the pages as best he can.

ANGELINA
Scrive?

AMERICAN
Excuse me?

ANGELINA does a writing gesture with her hands.


AMERICAN
(amused)
Oh...yes, I am..a writer. Screenwriter to be precise.

ANGELINA
Cos’è “Screenwriter”?

AMERICAN
Oh..uhhh
(searching for a word)
Cinema?

ANGELINA
Cinema? Sul serio?

AMERICAN
Mucho Serio

ANGELINA laughs at his mistake. He laughs back.

AMERICAN
And you? Do you
(pointing to ANGELINA)
“scrive”

He repeats the gesture.

ANGELINA smiles at him.

AMERICAN
“Cinema”?

ANGELINA carries on smiling.

AMERICAN
I think you come with me.

ANGELINA
Nuovaiorche?

AMERICAN
New York? Absolutely!

Smile of joy and relief on ANGELINA’s face.



V.O

Que no se apague entre el pesado mundo
Ni se amilane en el oscuro abismo

CUT TO:

ANGELINA receives a slap on the head and falls to the floor.

OWNER
Fuori di qui

CUT TO BLACK

V.O

La llama azul de tu sentir profundo.

Louis Prima’s Angelina begins to play.

ROLL CREDITS

THE END

Any ideas? Too predictable? Done before? Nonsensical?

All of the above?

This reminds me of why I hate dubbed movies. In fact, I remember the first time I watched "The Dreamers" it was either in italian with french subtitles, or in french with italian subtitles. Either way, I speak very little french and no italian so I was really forced to "watch" the film. As in keep full attention to the characters, what they say and how they said it, tones and all. Their actions and manuerisms. If you used that on something like this, I believe that would work really well on this script/short. As far as the script itself I got the feeling that Angelina, the main character was an aspiring actress and daydreamed alot, is very beautiful and therefore people will try and take advantage of her, like with the first guy Clemenza. This is also likely how she keeps her job despite not being very good at it, because she is aestitically pleasing. Then, from what I gather, she daydreamed the American screenwriter taking her to America, or saying he would, and then was awoken with a "twist" type ending from the Owner. Did I understand this right? I loved that you left the dialogue in another language (french right?) because again, it forced me to really rely on the situation, and people today try to make stuff work simply by having funny or "cool" dialogue when the story is ****, and therefore the characters flop around for nothing. As far as the plot went I really liked it up until I found out that Clemenza was a filmmaker or whatever, I really felt this situation between them and you built it up really well to that point with all the tension I felt with her day and her absense of mind (I just got home from work so I really relate). I wasn't so much into the Clemenza guy being a filmmaker or whatever, obviously he was trying to get into her pants, but just being a normal guy is enough for him with what you've got. Could you just have him maybe just see a shy girl who he thinks he can easily impress and woo and sleep with and dump? That's what I would do, but that's just me. All I'm really saying is that it's enough for this script to be about just normal people, in a real world, I didn't think it was necessary to spice it up. Now, I really liked it when she met the american, you could feel how they were trying to communicate and all. The American being a foreigner and all too worked well. I again, like how I felt with Clemenza didn't think he should have been a screenwriter, just a common guy, maybe backpacking Europe or something and seeing a beautiful girl that he just has to talk to. Now, I know (or at least I think) the American was just part of her daydream, but he should be real. Think of where the story could go if he's real, and comes back after her shift and they go out and do something, just a spontaneous meeting etc... that could really take the film alot further (both in depth and in length if you wanted (cause I'm a sucker for people who take the time to make a feature and really analyze their characters, put them in situations and force them to face something in themselves.)) And obviously I'm not a big fan of the twist, I couldn't read the dialogue, and therefore didn't see it coming. Maybe if the Owner had said "Angelina you're dreaming all the time in this dream world, and you're in it right now," that would be a dead give away. So I can't judge on that, other than that these people you've created (really interesting characters with places to go and feelings to experience) don't need a twist ending, they just need what's right for them to end out on for our view of them, in a way that they still live on beyond the film you make and what we see and percieve, you know? Finally the best advice I could give to you based on what I would personally like to see is that, while I can't underst and your dialogue based on the language barrier, try to make it real for the characters too. I say this because just the other day I was thinkin gof all the great memorable lines from films over the years when I had an epiphany and realized that the greatest films to me don't have a single great or memorable line that I can recite, none at all for the most part. I feel this is because their words are replaced with feelings when I watch them, that they become powerful and authentic. Most films lower themselves by providing easily digestable language and catch phrases, things that are all too perfect, and therefore totally inapropriate for any real world, or world they pretend to live in. It's just "cool" dialogue, showing off for the sake of dick waving, same as cinematography in my books. Immediately after thinking that I went through my scripts and crossed out alot of junk that I otherwise would have left in. Most of what I scripted for my film U.P. was never used, and thank god because it was all Kevin Smith monologues, and totally unnecessary. The people in my films aren't so perfect that they would devulge and reveal their secrets and opinions to any stranger, especially when they pretend to be someone else around their friends. I've worked myself towards making sure that the characters, what they do and say, is accurate to their world. I feel it makes the work better, proven to myself based on how I feel about other films.

Anyways, I kind of went off into myself and what i would do, which is perhaps innapropriate, but then again wouldn'd someone who's into cinematography talk about what kind of lighting (blah!) they would use, or a director what kinds of shots and angles and edits they would use? So in that regards this is how I feel about it based on whatever I see to be art and a film worth experienceing and learnign from. I've always felt the best pieces of art really reflect "who" (not "what") those invlolved are and represent, both who they are to others and how they feel about themselves. So I picked out parts of your plot and script that I liked based on that. I got that "personal get to know someone thorugh words" feelin in this script based on what I said previously, the film about the girl, her meeting with Clemenza's character (not occupation) and struggles with her job, herself and of course he boss, and finally the American who created a real spark for the story to go somewhere important, for this character of Angelina to really blossom into a real person. That's the type of film I like to watch and learn from, and that is the type of person I wish to teach me, that film I feel from reading your script and taking what I liked and molding it into my own perceptions and instincts. Anyways, take as much or as little as I say into consideration, and hopefully having me critique your script will draw a few other reviews of the many trite ghost that seem to be haunting me lately.

Good Luck, no matter what path you choose

quote:

...and people today try to make stuff work simply by having funny or "cool" dialogue when the story is ****... It's just "cool" dialogue, showing off for the sake of dick waving, same as cinematography in my books

Some, myself among them, would argue that the story is far less important than the way it's told. That the film exists in its own world and is shared with the audience with a unique style and form is parmount. The story is content. This is why film is a director's medium, not a writer's medium.
I know, Kane, that you strongly object to anything that makes money, but take "Sin City" - a film with a consistent language and style of its own - motivated not by story but by style. More recently, "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang," or the entire indie movement of the '90s. "Pulp Fiction" isn't an original story, it's a collage of popular and conventional ones. But it's told with a fresh voice.

Thanks, Hill. Those were really good comments. You understood the story perfectly, except for the part about Clemenza being a filmmaker. He is actually just one of Angelina's old teachers. However, you weren't completely off thinking he was a filmmaker. Thanks again.

-Ralph N.J

And on the script:

Screenplays are read very quickly, so you have to respect your reader's patience. If they don't speak French, most people aren't going to read through to the English. Convention dictates that you write the dialogue in the language of your reader (English) and put a parenthetical below the character name stating the foreign language.

BOB A
(in Swahili)
Like this. I now speak Swahili.

It's like subtitles.

Keep it comin'. Keep it comin'.