Hey all,
New to this board, saw a few of my mates posted some of their scripts on this board and I want some feed back for mine too. Be as harsh as you all want, this is the first script I've fully developed on my own and is fairly long for a student script... in a Word document it reaches 30 pages. The link here displays it in HTML that's why the formatting is a little weird, the
"19.__________(CONTINUED)__________19."
stuff should be ignored as its not relevant on HTML.

The Ripple Effect

Enjoy, and let me know what you think.

Dave.

Great script. I liked it because each one of the characters did something harmful to each others relationships. Nobody was perfect or cliche. The dialogue kept me wanting to read more. It was both visual and story driven. I'd love to see this movie made.

Off the subject: "Mate" was used alot. Are you Australian or British?

Thanks for the feedback.
This movie will be made as it is part of our Year 12 assessment.

And yes I'm Australian.

Keep the comments comin' please, I'm interested to know what you all think.

- Dave

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Cleavage2,

hey dave
liked the script
just wondering wat happeneds to Jess are you gonna hava shot of her in the background behind the reporter or somthing looking upset and identifying the body. How is she feeling?

I hated Jess. Not as a character but I thought she was a *****. How dare you sleep with your ex's best friend a day after you break up?! Without telling him how you felt no less?!

I have a suggestion. Jess leaves the bracelet at the apartment. She comes back for it finding the door unlocked and then the corpse. SHE should be the one to call the cops.

She should say, "I think I know who did it, but don't hurt him!"

Thanks for the suggest Imbroglio, will be taken into consideration; but did you like the script?

I loved the script. In movies its great to mad at somebody.

Im no expert at screenwriting, but it changed scenes alot, like everytime someone said something when shaun and chris were talking on the phone. I don't think it's supposed to look like that, but maybe it's just me. Besides that I thought the script was great

Eh, pretty good. I didn't believe a lot of the dialogue...it just didn't seem natural. I was hoping something cool was going to be done with the whole concept of "the ripple effect." I mean, it was basically a normal drama, ending in catastrophe with a cool name. I'd say, to make it more believable, have more time pass, play up the fact that both Chris and Jessica are screwing Shaun (I mean like more than you did...I didn't feel like his friends screwed him over enough to lead him to such a frenzied state of anger), and tighten up some of the dialogue. To be fair, I'm not familiar with Australian lingo, but reading the word "mateship" was really awkward. Anyway, I liked the story, the build up, and the interconnected beginning and end.

Pan Modo, the reason that there are a number of location switches during conversation such as talking on the phone with two characters is because I was just showing on paper the fact that it wasn't going to be constantly kept on one person throughout dialogue; plus with the split screen it just helped me follow who was on screen during what lines etc.

Alex Hersler, I can see where you're coming from, and I think the suggestions you made are very plausible however the fact is I need this to be a short sharp script and nail it down to 10 minutes as that is our max time limit for this assessment. Perhaps in the future I will make a similar script incorporating your ideas of more time passing and playing up how Chris and Jess are screwing Shaun.
And yes I can understand as an American you don't quote grasp the term of 'mateship', but here in Australia it's quite a commonly used phrase and works in context with the Aussie lingo.

Thanks for the comments. Anyone else?

i thought this was an interesting premise, and pretty well executed.

my only suggestion would be to lengthen the script...because as it is..it feels like too much happens in a short amount of time. everything seems to rush along too quickly.

otherwise...this shows promise.

Mark,
Thanks for the feedback. I find it amusing that your suggestion is to lengthen it because in actual fact that's my problem... it's already too long and too much is trying to happen in a short amount of time, and I can't let the film run over 10 minutes! So pretty much I'm screwed, I'll have to cut down a lot of things.
The reason why it has to be around 10 minutes is because it is for a year 12 assignment, and films that go over 10 minutes are generally switched off by assessors once it crosses the 10 minute mark, so I really need to nail it all.

An update on the film's progress though is that I've just about finished filming and I'm heavily into the editing process, as the film is due in about a week.