I am a new user to this forum but i have found it extremely interesting. Im also glad i stumbled upon a forum with peers that share the same passion as me. That being said here is a a new script i have written with two possible endings.

Please give me all the feedback possible good or bad, your honest opinions count. And also decide which ending according to your opinions would be best for the film.


264


Written by


Paul Hatzinicolettos



Additional Material / Revisions by:



"A short-length film"



First Draft: February 18, 2004
BLACK SCREEN

PHONE RINGS

CHARLES answers the phone

CHARLES
Hello?, Hello?. Who is this? Hello?

LITTLE GIRL
2 6 4

CHARLES
What? What is this?

LITTLE GIRL
2 6 4

FILM TITLE “264”

BLACK AND WHITE

EXT. BAY AREA MARBELLA, SPAIN – EVENING

CHARLES walks slowly towards the LITTLE GIRL who is sitting on a knee height stone barrier between the sidewalk and the beach. The LITTLE GIRL plays with a PORCELAIN DOLL cheerfully.

CHARLES approaches the LITTLE GIRL, looks around and notices that there is no one around but them and kneels down close to her.

LITTLE GIRL looks at CHARLES and points to a SUITCASE placed in the middle of the sidewalk.

CHARLES stands up and walks towards the SUITCASE.

LITTLE GIRL continues playing with her DOLL.

CHARLES reaches the SUITCASE looks around, kneels, inspects the SUITCASE and picks it up.

The LITTLE GIRL is already walking away and suddenly stops when CHARLES picks up the SUITCASE and looks at him with an evil look.

PHONE RINGS

INT. CHARLES APT. LIVING ROOM – EVENING

COLOR

CHARLES awakes fast from laying on the couch and picks up the phone which has been ringing.

CHARLES
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

CHARLES hangs up and sits up slowly and sits on the couch.

CHARLES looks at his WATCH: the time is 18:50 the 26th day of the month. HE gets up fast and leaves.

CHARLES approaches his car in a dark parking garage. HE opens the door of his car and gets in. HE turns on the car and turns on the lights.

The LITTLE GIRL appears in front of the car illuminated by the car’s headlights for a split second.

CHARLES startles and gets out of the car to look around. HE gets back in the car and drives off.

EXT. CITY ROAD – MARBELLA, SPAIN – EVENING

CHARLES drives on the road and switches radio stations and stops at the news.

RADIO PRESENTER
Speaking of the news of the day

CHARLES approaches a red light and starts slowing down. To HIS right he notices a homeless man holding a sign that says “264” and an arrow pointing right. HE makes a right turn, looks at his watch and keeps driving down the road.

CHARLES follows the road observing at the bushes and the beach as HE drives past. He reaches an opening where HE sees a LITTLE GIRL.

EXT. BAY AREA MARBELLA, SPAIN – EVENING

CHARLES stops the car and looks out from inside. HE notices that the girl looks familiar.

CHARLES
What the hell?

CHARLES gets out of the car and starts walking towards the LITTLE GIRL slowly. HE looks around and notices that there is no one around. HE approaches the LITTLE GIRL and kneels in front of her.

LITTLE GIRL plays with her porcelain doll and smiles cheerfully.

CHARLES
Hi! What’s you name? Are you here alone? Where are your parents? What’s the matter can’t you speak? Aren’t you afraid of being alone out here all by yourself?

LITTLE GIRL
Are you?

CHARLES
See you can speak. So where are your parents? Where do you live?

The LITTLE GIRL points to a SUITCASE that has been placed in the middle of the sidewalk.

CHARLES stands up quickly and looks at the SUITCASE. HE looks at the LITTLE GIRL.

CHARLES
Do you know what that is?

PHONE RINGS


CHARLES
Hello?

Distorted screaming sounds and a voice overpowers the screams saying “264”.

CHARLES hangs up, looks at the girl then walks towards the SUITCASE SLOWLY. HE looks back as he walks towards the SUITCASE. As HE reaches the SUITCASE the LITTLE GIRL stands up and starts walking away.

CHARLES picks up the SUITCASE and looks at the combination.

The LITTLE GIRL looks back at him with an evil look then continues walking away.

CHARLES turns around and suddenly stops as he sees that the LITTLE GIRL vanishes right before him like a ghost. HE looks at the SUITCASE confused then starts walking back to his car.

INT. CHARLES’S CAR – EVENING

CHARLES gets in and put the SUITCASE in the passenger seat. HE turns the car on then decides to open the SUITCASE and turns the car off. HE tries several different combinations: “000”, “999”, “111”, then he tries “264” and the SUITCASE opens. HE looks surprised at what is in it. HE sees a tape recorder and an address. HE plays the tape recorder:

CHARLES ON TAPE RECORDER
Hello?, Hello?. Who is this? Hello?
What? What is this?
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
What the hell?
Hi! What’s you name? Are you here alone? Where are your parents? What’s the matter can’t you speak? Aren’t you afraid of being alone out here all by yourself?

LITTLE GIRL ON TAPE RECORDER
Are you?

CHARLES ON TAPE RECORDER
Do you know what that is?
Hello?
Distorted screaming sounds and a voice overpowers the screams saying “264”.

CHARLES stops the tape recorder.

CHARLES
What the hell is going on? How can this be? Hold on…

CHARLES plays the tape recorder

CHARLES ON TAPE RECORDER
What the hell is going on? How can this be? Hold on…

CHARLES puts the tape recorder back and turns the car on.


CHARLES
This can’t be happening, this is too weird!

CHARLES ON TAPE RECORDER
This can’t be happening, this is too weird!

CHARLES grabs the tape recorder and stops it and throws it back into the SUITCASE.

EXT. MARBELLA STREET - EVENING

CHARLES drives off. As HE is driving HE looks down to turn on the radio. HE looks back up and sees the LITTLE GIRL hopping along the sidewalk with her DOLL.

CHARLES follows her with the car slowly. The LITTLE GIRL takes a turn and CHARLES follows her. The LITTLE GIRL is farther away. CHARLES keeps following her.

The LITTLE GIRL keeps running and takes a sudden turn into a park where CHARLES cannot follow with the car.

EXT. MARBELLA CITY PARK – EVENING

CHARLES stops suddenly and gets out of the car to follow her leaving the door open. HE starts running after her. HE enters a small park with bushes all around and trees. The LITTLE GIRL runs in front of HIM and behind HIM several times.

CHARLES tries to follow HER.

The LITTLE GIRL drops the DOLL.

CHARLES sees the DOLL and picks it.

FLASH OF WHITE LIGHT

Immediately HE is taken to another world.

INT. UNKNOWN HOUSE – DAY

CHARLES enters the house and looks around, observing everything trying to open the doors that are locked. HE sees the stairs and starts going up. HE notices that all the doors are closed except one. HE enters the room and sees the DOLL. HE reaches for the DOLL and instantly the DOLL starts to bleed.

CHARLES startles and moves back from the DOLL.

The LITTLE GIRL appears out of nowhere and grabs his leg. SHE looks at HIM.

CHARLES looks at her and stumbles back. HE keeps looking at her and runs down the stairs and exits the house.

FLASH OF WHITE LIGHT



EXT. MARBELLA CITY PARK – EVENING

CHARLES appears back in the park and starts running back to HIS car. HE looks back and sees the LITTLE GIRL in the distance. As HE turns around the LITTLE GIRL appears right in front of him reaching for HIM. HE stumbles back and starts running back to his car.


CHARLES
Stay away from me! Leave me alone!

EXT. MARBELLA STREET – EVENING

CHARLES reaches HIS car and gets in. HE drives off fast looking back and starts slowing down. HE stops abruptly at a red light. HE pants and breathes heavily. HE looks at his rear view mirror and sees the LITTLE GIRL. HE turns around fast and sees that she is not there. HE turns and looks at the rear view mirror again and sees nothing. The car behind him beeps at him to drive so HE does.

CHARLES drives normally and turns on the radio again (or tries to light a cigarette). HE looks up and sees the LITTLE GIRL in the middle of the street. HE slams on the brakes and swerves away to avoid hitting her and HE slams on a tree.

CHARLES gets out of the car hurt and bleeding because of the lack of an airbag and not wearing his seatbelt. HE limps towards the sidewalk and rests on it.

The LITTLE GIRL appears in front of HIM and …

Ending I

… with a long stick hits CHARLES. And HE dies.

BLACK SCREEN

CREDITS

Ending II

… reaches for HIS hand. CHARLES grabs her hand and immediately is taken to another world seen through the LITTLE GIRLS eyes. Charles sees the way the LITTLE GIRL died: (possibilities include – CHARLES drives fast down the street and runs her over, hit and run – the little girls mother is a drunk who has bee dumped by CHARLES, and passes out in front of the pool and the LITTLE girl drowns – the mother doesn’t want the little girl anymore because she blames her for CHARLES leaving her that she decides to drive the little girl far away and leave her (like in A.I.) a bit far fetched I think.

This is your life and its ending one minute at a time.

I liked it up until the Ending, I would definitely not conclude this Movie with the main Character being hit by a stick. The 2nd ending was a tad better but I'd still think of something else. Keep at it.

KUNG FU NAKED MOLE RAT STUDIOS: CUTTIN' HEADZ

I know how you feel with finding an ending to a script. I'm having the same problem in writing an ending as exciting as the rest of the film in a movie I'm writing. Anyway I liked the script and would be interested in seeing it made. As regards to the ending of the movie I agree with Drewwitt about the whole stick thing. I'd like to see some kind of supernatural twist at the end, reminiscent of Shyamalian's technique of shocking the viewer at the end of his films.
I'm sure you'll get the ending you want though, just keep at it.

Thanks for the replies i know what you mean. I personally believe and felt that the first ending is sort of a cop out. It says that i couldnt find another way of ending it so i did that. The same would go if i were to awake him from a bad dream its overused and doesnt work. Anyway il keep working on it till something comes up. Eventually i will find the ending theres no other way.

This is your life and its ending one minute at a time.

Endings are difficult, especially when making a supernatural thriller. But there are certain questions you need to ask yourself to help with the ending. For instance, why is the little girl trying to make contact with Charles? I think that is the main question you need to ask. It seems like she has no purpose in the film except to harrass Charles. What world is Charles living in? I think a pretty good ending, would be that he is living in his own personal hell. That he has to live out what he did. Also, try and add more to the suitcase scene, if your movie and almost everything in it has to do with the combination of the suitcase, I think it should have more purpose than just being another supernatural twist. In fact, I would say let it be your final shocking scene.

Example:

Charles is in his car. He tries different combinations, and then tries 264. The suitcase pops open. (Clinching music ensues) Charles is surprised to find only a tape recorder and a tape inside the suitcase. Charles inserts the tape player and plays the tape. Little Girl begins speaking.

Little Girl
Daddy, why is mommy crying?

Charles
I made a mistake, sweetie. I made a mistake and mommy hates me for it.

Women's Voice
Let's go.

Little Girl
But I don't want to leave daddy!

Women's Voice
Get in the car!

Charles
Please don't leave me!

Little Girl
Where are we going? I want daddy! (crying)

Women's Voice
Stop grabbing my arm, and buckle your seatbelt, (include little girl's name)

Little Girl
I want daddy! I want daddy!

Women's Voice
Stop it! I can't drive! Stop it!

Little Girl
I want daddy!

(you hear car tires screeching, then a crash. Everything is quite. Then the you hear the women's voice come back on the player)

Women's Voice
(Says little girl's name) Oh god no! don't take my little girl! Oh God! (Cries out the little girl's name)

Tears are running down Charles face. He turns and sees his little girl staring at him outside of his car door. Charles opens the door. He grabs ahold of her.

Charles
Im so sorry, (little girls name)! I should have never let you go. I was drunk, and I couldn't control what was happening. I'm so sorry.

Little Girl
It's okay, daddy. But mommy needs you now.

Int. The Mother's House- Evening
Doorbell rings, the mother answers the door. Charles is standing outside the door.

I hope this might help spark something.

Very good post Prometheus. My real problem apart from the ending is actualy making a connection between the little girl and charles. Obviously she had to be someone important in his life and there has to be some sort of connection between them if not it doesnt make sense makihng it more "surreal" than its supposed to be. Your idea is quite good and it definetely helps. I will think more along those lines and see what comes up thanks.

This is your life and its ending one minute at a time.

I like the script that you have come up with, Paul. But I think it lacks more volume. Like you have said, it needs some connection to Charles and the little girl. And why is there never anyone around? Is it because he is having a vision or what. You are on the verge of making a very creative and propelling film. Make sure there aren't any conflicting points in the story. If you do that you will have a great film.

Good Luck
Matthew J. Fuster
Director, Producer, Editor, Writer
Zion Pictures Ltd.

If you do the scene with the bleeding doll right. That's going to freak the **** out of me. Maybe make the walls go all black to like the scene with the little girl in ghost ship. Horrible movie, but good scene.

Andrew H Paul

INT. CHARLES’S CAR – EVENING
CHARLES ON TAPE RECORDER
Do you know what that is?
Hello?
Distorted screaming sounds and a voice overpowers the screams saying “264”.

CHARLES stops the tape recorder.

CHARLES
What the hell is going on? How can this be? Hold on…

CHARLES plays the tape recorder

CHARLES ON TAPE RECORDER
What the hell is going on?

LITTLE GIRL AND A KID ON TAPE RECORDER
… Shh! He mustn’t find out. You can’t tell him. Neither can I. He can never find out. Find out what? You know. About his father? Yes. That they took him away? Yes but the reason. It must be our secret if he find out we will all be in trouble.

CHARLES puts the tape recorder back and turns the car on.


CHARLES
What is this? What does it mean?


CHARLES grabs the tape recorder and stops it and throws it back into the SUITCASE.



INT. UNKNOWN HOUSE – DAY

CHARLES enters the house and looks around, observing everything he does not look surprised to be there, its like he has seen this house before but cannot exactly remember, trying to open the doors that are locked. HE sees the stairs and starts going up. HE notices that all the doors are closed and locked except one. HE enters the room and sees the DOLL. HE reaches for the DOLL and instantly the DOLL starts to bleed.

CHARLES startles and moves back from the DOLL.

CHARLES exits the room and hears voices coming from downstairs. HE starts going downstairs slowly and overhears the conversation between the LITTLE GIRL and a KID.

LITTLE GIRL AND KID
… Shh! He mustn’t find out. You can’t tell him. Neither can I. He can never find out. Find out what? You know. About his father? Yes. That they took him away? Yes but the reason. It must be our secret if he find out we will all be in trouble. (He was a traitor, he betrayed his country, a murderer – he is taken away forever).

CHARLES hears a door slam upstairs and runs to it. The door that was open before is now shut. HE opens the door and sees himself as a kid building a puzzle with his mother sitting next to him.

MOTHER
Your father will have to leave for some time for some secret work he has to do for the country, but it is very secret all I can tell you is that he is a hero.

YOUNG CHARLES stands up and walks to the window and looks outside touching the window. CHARLES walks slowly next to him and also looks outside. CHARLE’S father is being taken away in a car as he looks up at CHARLES for the last time. (CHARLES might run out of the house to get to the car and then appear back to reality), (or as soon as the car drives off he might just appear back in reality).


FLASH OF WHITE LIGHT


these scenes replace the scene with the tape recorder and the scene in the house the vision, i think this is a good ending.

EXT. MARBELLA CITY PARK – EVENING

CHARLES appears back in the park holding the bleeding doll and starts running back to HIS car. HE looks back and sees the LITTLE GIRL in the distance. As HE turns around the LITTLE GIRL appears right in front of him reaching for HIM. HE stumbles back and starts running back to his car.


CHARLES
Stay away from me! Leave me alone!

EXT. MARBELLA STREET – EVENING

CHARLES reaches HIS car and gets in. HE drives off fast looking back and starts slowing down. HE stops abruptly at a red light. HE pants and breathes heavily. HE looks at his rear view mirror and sees the LITTLE GIRL. HE turns around fast and sees that she is not there. HE turns and looks at the rear view mirror again and sees nothing. The car behind him beeps at him to drive so HE does.

CHARLES drives normally looks up and sees the LITTLE GIRL in the middle of the street. HE slams on the brakes and stops in front of her. HE gets out of the car and approaches her. SHE is facing away. As HE touches her SHE turns around very fast and startles him. HE falls back and SHE points to herself sitting on the ledge. HE starts walking to HER and gives her the DOLL. SHE takes the DOLL and points again, this time to young CHARLES who turns around and looks at CHARLES’s eyes.

THE END

I still cant understand the ending. You seem like you know what you want to do, but that last paragraph is confusing. Maybe you can clarify it for me. Thanks.