Hello Everyone,

Im kind of new here, but everyone has been so helpful thus far! So, I decided to post my first draft of my next project to see what people liked/didnt like about it.

Also, if anyone knows what the hell kind of category this falls under, I would apreciate knowing, hahaha.

This is NOT formatted and IS a first draft. So all of your suggestions WILL be heard and taken into consideration. I'm not here for re-assurance (although thats nice too) Im here for help, so if you think you can help, or have an idea that might look cool, or think my idea is whack. I'm here to listen and jot down notes. I look forward to reading all the ideas you may have.

Im 16, so my writing may not be awesome...lol. Although this is a first draft...so whatev.

Anyway, enough of that. Heres the script :



Eden; The SuperMarket.
Written By Efren Hernandez.
Based on Story by Chris D. White.


Establishing shot of THE SUPER MARKET. It's a pretty big store,
but not COSTCO big. Just your every-day SUPER MARKET.

ENTER the super market. The doors will open and the camera will walk in.

Pan throuh the isles until reaching a stop in the fruits section.
Where two mothers and their children (one boy, one girl) are parallel
to each other.

The boy is looking over at the girl from behind one of the racks. He's
trying to stay out of sight, it's a very cute sight.

The girl looks back. They stare at each-other. Love at first.

Until its INTERRUPTED by the boys mom.

MOM:
LETS GO ADAM. I'LL GET YOU SOME COCOA CRISPS IF YOU BEHAVE.

She grabs BILLY by the hand and forces her to his side.
The boy tries to fight it, but does'nt succeed. He walks next to
his mother until she stops to look at some oranges. The boy turns and
his face lights up with joy. What he found is the biggest, juciest,
red apple youb have ever seen.

The boy goes toward the apple and hesitently plucks the apple from the
stand. He looks happy, and he runs off to the where he saw the girl before.

Shes not there anymore. He looks around, and cant find her. He begins to
run up and down every isle in search of his lost loved one. He looks through
the cans, in the house applicance section. He literally searches everywhere for
his lost loved one until finally coming across her at the frozen foods section.

Shes alone, like he wanted her to be. He slowly approaches her, hiding the apple
behind his back. He reaches a hault in front of the girl. He waits for her to turn
around and become fully aware of his prescence. He pulls out the apple and offers it to her.

She smiles back and takes the apple. CLOSE on her mouth and apple as she takes a giant bite.

Her face goes SOUR and she spits the apple to the floor. The boys face becomes wrought with
sadness. He feels compelled to run away, but before he could do so. A voice calls out.

OTHER MOM:
EVE! EVE, HONEY. LETS GO! I DONT WANT TO BE LATE TO MY YOGA LESSON!

The little girl hands the boy the apple, flashes a smile, and runs away just like that.

The boy is left, cold, in the frozen food section. Holding the apple up to his face.
He turns it over to see a giant worm, working its way out of the apple. Surprised he drops the apple
to the floor. As it hits the ground, the boy runs away.

FIN!

----------------------------------------

THANKS! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!

Efren Hernandez (Looking to be the next big thing, one short film at a time)

Okay, so format isn't an issue right now, so I'll leave that one alone. Your narative, however, will piss any director right up the wall. Tell the director what to create, not how to create it; describe the super market, not how the audience would discover it. Simply put, keep we see, we hear, we find, etc. and all camera instructions out.

I take it the worm is a metaphor for the snake? What if his mom saw the apple after she bit it, accused him of stealing and kicked him out of the super store. If you were to make the super store seem very glorious and breath taking to the child earlier on, the context would be more obvious to what it's a modern adaptation of.

However the implications to his mother's status might be a little extreme, so I'd watch that one. Maybe make it his father with him, nothing sexist, but as mentioned in the bible somewhere (and in Fight Club), our fathers are our models for God.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BrandonGlossop,

What he said is right, about camera shots, because if you are preparing to do this for a living you don't want to make a habit of leaving this stuff in- I, however, like to write various shots I have in mindon a notepad or another document for my own reference as a director.

Also, as he said, think about the biblical story and try to match it up. If the entire movie's concept is biblical allusion than I'd probably go as far as possible. Make the supermarket more like the garden Adam and Eve longed for.

The emotions in the description need to be cut out - happy, sad, surprised, etc. You can imply the emotions by specific actions - laugh, smiling, crying, etc.

I like it! Nice simple short story with a nice subtle turnaround at the end well done.

You have talent BUT you need to address format now, while you're young. Here's a link that explains almost all aspects of proper formatting.

http://www.oscars.org/nicholl/format_a.txt

Learn these now and you'll be miles ahead of other folks your age. Keep writing!

Hey guys. Sorry it took so long to repond! I had finals and finals really drain the life out of me.

I really apreciate everyone commenting! It means a lot!

I will adress all your comments personally, and then post my FINAL draft, and see if anyone can spot anything else they dont like!

The Final Draft can be seen here: http://www.geocities.com/efrens_hideout/SUPERMARKETGARDEN.htm

Sorry about the link, but its the only way it can be seen properly.

BrandonGlossop: I completely understand what you mean by my narrative. I see it is a little directive, but since Im directing, i didnt think it would matter much. I, however, did attempt to fix it in the final draft. Let me know if its any better.

The worm is a metaphor for the snake . I was thinking of that myself. I was thinking of getting the owner to kick the kids out. But, I voted against it...Im definately going to make the superstore seem glorious. Im planning on using a lot of low angle shots, and things of that sort.

I loved Fight Club, btw...that movie rocked hardcore. One of my favorite movies. I want to write and direct stuff like that...too bad I suck at everything!

Blkmamba: Definately will be making the supermarket what they long for. I also swicthed the roles to follow the biblical story a little more.

deviantframe: Hmm, ok. I can try to do that, I suppose. Let me know if you still think it has too many of those emotions.

REDking: Thanks man! Im glad you liked it! I really apreciate the nice comment!

This was a first draft, so i wasnt really writing in proper format. However, if you take a look at the new sript, you will see I did try and fix my format. Let me know if you like it or not. I also added an end, that I hope will have you wanting more!!!



THANKS EVERYONE!

-Efren Hernandez