Here's a more completed script so far. Have fun reading.

*this is the newest draft of what I have down so far. thanks goes to braininabox for the idea.*

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A television murmurs in an average sized living room. The room is not well decorated. ALBERT walks into the room, in one hand a bowl of chips, in the other a soda pop can. He is in his mid-thirties, with a short almost buzzed hair cut. He sits down at a recliner in front of the television. It is now more audible but is still muffled. He sets his soda and chips on a table beside his chair. He is watching the news on a local news channel.

A door in the front of the house is heard opening. BROOKE runs into the living room. She is about 6 or 7 year old. She jumps up and sits on her father’s lap.

ALBERT
Where’ve you been all day?

BROOKE
I went to the zoo. I told you I was going last night.

ALBERT
I know, daddy just has bad memory sometimes.

beat.

ALBERT (cont.)
So did you see the dolphins?

BROOKE
Yeah, I think they were sick today.

ALBERT
Why do you think that?

BROOKE
I don’t know, they seemed sad. On the way there we saw a funeral, maybe someone died.

ALBERT
Maybe.

BROOKE
Mommy said that, animals have feelings too.

ALBERT
They do.

CLAIRE stands at the doorway of the living room. She looks tired, but yet happy. She smiles at Albert, he smiles back.

ALBERT
How’s mommy doing?

CLAIRE
She’s tired.

ALBERT
How about a nice big cup of hot chocolate.

Awkwardness.
CLAIRE
That’d be nice.

ALBERT (to Brooke)
Daddy’s gotta get up.

BROOKE
But daddy...

ALBERT
No buts about it, you can keep sitting here.

Albert pushes Brooke over so he can get up. He walks toward the doorway that Claire stands at. He turns back to Brooke.

ALBERT
I think your favorite cartoon is on.

BROOKE
Okay.

Brooke turns on the TV. Albert beckons Claire out of the room. She leaves the room, closely followed by him.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Claire sits down on a chair setting her purse on the table in front of her. The chair and table set looks like it was a close-out at a local used furniture store. Alert goes straight to the cabinet. He pulls out a couple of decent looking cups.

ALBERT
I don’t think this is going to work.

CLAIRE
And why’s that?

ALBERT
I don’t even know what she’s doing anymore. My own daughter.

CLAIRE
She’s my daughter too.

He fills the cups with water.

ALBERT
You know where she is though. At all times you know. But I’m clueless unless she’s with me, which as you know isn’t too often.

CLAIRE
Are you saying you want more custody? Albert you don’t even have a decent job. I’m surprised you even have this house, and you’re trying to tell me you need to expose my daughter to this. You hardly even have any food in your cupboards.

She gets up and opens a cupboard to prove it. She leans up against the counter.

ALBERT
That’s not what I’m saying.

He sticks the cups in the microwave.

CLAIRE
Then what are you saying?

ALBERT
I’m saying that it’d be nice if maybe every once in a while you invited me to go to the zoo with you two.

CLAIRE
It was with her preschool.

ALBERT
It was my day to spend with her! And you didn’t ask me go with you! I didn’t even know that you were going.

CLAIRE
She called you last night...She told you...you didn’t seem to mind too much then. Whee you busy or something?!?

ALBERT
Yes I was busy last night...

CLAIRE
Doing what? You make her sound so important to you, but you can’t even put something aside to receive her phone call.

DING. He gets the steaming water out of the microwave. He pulls a few packets of Swiss Miss out of a box sitting on the counter.

ALBERT
There’s no pleasing you is there? I’m trying to make money, by staying up and doing work, but my daughter is calling and I don’t have the time to listen to her. It’s just a lose- lose situation isn’t it?

He dumps the packets into the water.

CLAIRE
Couldn’t you find a different job? One that pays more, with less home work.

ALBERT
You know how it is around here. The job market is like fish in the desert, it’s dead.

He gets two spoons out of a drawer, and sticks them in the cups. He hands the cup to Claire.

ALBERT (continued, quiet)
Careful it’s hot.

CLAIRE
Thanks...

They both sip from their hot chocolates.

CLAIRE (cont.)
Isn’t it funny how a cup of hot chocolate can calm people down?

ALBERT
Now that you mention it. It is pretty funny...

Claire laughs. She realizes it’s an awkward situation.

CLAIRE
I should be leaving.

ALBERT
Are you sure?

More awkwardness.

CLAIRE
Do you not want me too?

ALBERT
No that’s not what I meant.

beat.

CLAIRE
Want me to pick her up tomorrow?

ALBERT
Yeah...could you pick her up early?

CLAIRE
How early?

ALBERT
Ten-thirty.

She sets her glass of hot chocolate by the sink.

CLAIRE
I can do that. Bye.

ALBERT
Thanks...good-bye.

She leaves the room.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Albert walks back into the room. He stops at the door. He sees Brooke is still watching television. He smiles. She still doesn’t realize he is there. He sneaks up to the chair. He pounces from behind the chair.

ALBERT
Raaaooorrr.

Brooke jumps and screams. He chases her around the room on his hands and knees until he finally catches her. He drags her down onto the floor.

ALBERT
This looks like some good eating.

BROOKE (laughing)
No, you can’t eat me you’re a Stegosaurus.

ALBERT
What’s that make you? A nice leafy tree?

BROOKE
No I’m a big T-Rex. WRRRAAAAAAOOOORRR.

Albert cowers back like a bug. Brooke stands up, mimicking the stance of a t-rex.

BROOKE
I smell some dinosaur.

She pounces on top of her dad, acting like she is eating him. They roll away from each other and start laughing. They lie side by side for a moment.

ALBERT
What do you want to do tomorrow?

BROOKE
I want some ice cream.

He looks over at Brooke.

ALBERT
Why don’t we go get some right now?

BROOKE
Really?

ALBERT
Yeah why not?

BROOKE
It’s late.

ALBERT
It’s not that late. Anyways we’re coming they can’t be closed down now, can they?

BROOKE
No!

ALBERT
Let’s go before they change their minds.

He stands up, getting off of the floor.

BROOKE
Pick me up.

ALBERT
Oh man I don’t know about this. Ice cream and picking you up.

BROOKE
Please?!?!

ALBERT (laughing)
Alright.

He bends over and lifts her up off the floor.

ALBERT
I’m not going to have to carry you the whole way there am I?

BROOKE (laughing)
Yes.

ALBERT
No, I’m not.

He sets her down so that she is sitting up.

ALBERT (cont.)
Let’s go.

EXT. ICE CREAM STAND - NIGHT

Albert and Brooke sit across from each other at a small round table. They’re eating ice cream, her ice cream is multi-colored, and he has the basic vanilla.

BROOKE
Why’d you get such a boring flavor?

ALBERT
Vanilla’s not boring. It’s just common that’s all.

BROOKE
It’s boring.

ALBERT
Just because it doesn’t have at least four different flavors in it doesn’t make it boring it just makes it simpler.

BROOKE
How come when you and mommy were still living together you always got the fun flavors?

beat.

ALBERT
I don’t know.

BROOKE
She did the exact same thing. Only she gets chocolate now.

ALBERT
Yeah she used to love that rainbow stuff too. Guess that’s just what happens when you get old.

They are almost done with their cones now.

ALBERT
You’re not going to want to go to sleep tonight are you?

BROOKE
Nope.

ALBERT
Want to rent a movie? WE could get The Princess Bride.

BROOKE
We always watch that movie.

ALBERT
You love it though.

BROOKE
Yeah so. Let’s get something different this time.

ALBERT
Okay, it can’t be too wild though. Otherwise you’d never get to sleep.

They both finish their cones.

ALBERT (cont.)
Ready to go?

BROOKE
Yep.

They get up, and head for the trash can to throwaway their napkins.

ALBERT
How about an old Disney flick?

BROOKE
Swiss Family Robinson!!!

ALBERT (laughing)
Good choice.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Albert sits in the recliner once again. This time Brooke is laying on top of him. Both are asleep. In the background “The Swiss Family Robinson” plays on the television.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Albert and Brooke are still asleep in the recliner, in the same positions they were previously in. Albert wakes up, he gets up moving Brooke carefully so he does not wake her.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Sausage, eggs, and pancakes are cooking on the stove. Albert shakes some salt on the cooking food. He gets a plate out of a nearby cupboard, and starts placing the food on it, trying to make it look like a fancy restaurant.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Brooke is still asleep in the recliner. Albert walks into the living room, carrying the plate of food and a glass of orange juice. He takes it over to the recliner, and sets it on the table next to it. He gently shakes her. She wakes up but is still half-asleep.

BROOKE
What time is it?

ALBERT
It’s about 9:30. Your mother is going to be here in an hour.

BROOKE
Is that pancakes and sausage I smell.

ALBERT
Yes it is.

She is fully awake now.

BROOKE
You always know how to make me happy, don’t you?

ALBERT (laughs)
I guess so.

She sits up, and grabs the plate off of the table. He sits down on the floor in front of her.

BROOKE
Why do I have to leave so early?

ALBERT
Because I have to go to work today.

BROOKE
But it’s Sunday.

ALBERT
Yeah I know. It’s complicated, but I have to work today.

No reply. She is confused.

ALBERT (continued)
As soon as you’re done with that you need to go get cleaned up, and change your clothes.

BROOKE
Okay.

She gets off the recliner, and walks out the doorway. He gets up and sits in the recliner.

EXT. ROAD - MORNING

A convertible speeds down the road. It passes a flatbed truck with a load of large metal pipes. It pulls into a driveway.

EXT. HOUSE - MORNING

The convertible stops quickly. Claire hops out leaving the engine on and the door open. She walks up to the front door. She knocks...she knocks again...Albert answers the door.

ALBERT
She’s coming.

CLAIRE
Okay, thanks.

ALBERT
You’re ten minutes early.

CLAIRE
I know my parents are coming over in about a half-hour, and I still need to cook lunch.

ALBERT
It’s no big deal.

Claire nods her head. She puts her hands in her pocket and steps backwards...There is too much silence.

CLAIRE
So...what’s Old Man Stonebracker doing with all those pipes?

ALBERT
Not sure, probably up to one of his remodeling projects again.

CLAIRE
They still use metal pipes for plumping?

ALBERT
It’s Old Man Stonebracker, he’s stuck in “the good ol’ days.”

Claire laughs at this. Albert looks back inside.

ALBERT
There she is.

Brooke walks right by him, and he puts his hand on her as she does.

CLAIRE
See you later.

ALBERT
Bye.

He bends down and gives Brooke a hug.

ALBERT (cont. to Brooke)
See you next weekend.

BROOKE
Buh-bye.

The two walk over to the car and get in it, and back out of the driveway.

EXT. ROAD - MORNING

Claire starts off down the road in the convertible the same way she came from. A man is standing out in the street next to the flatbed truck. She slows down to a dead stop right next to the truck.

INT. CAR - MORNING

Claire is annoyed by the holdup.

CLAIRE
Dammit.

The man realizes they are there, and walks slowly out of the way.

BROOKE
Mommy, are grandma & grandpa going to be there when we...

She is cut short.

EXT. ROAD - MORNING

A chain supporting pipes snaps in half, hurtling into the air. The load of pipes rolls off the back of the flatbed truck, crushing the car.

EXT. HOUSE - MORNING

Albert hears the horrific noise. His face goes to white. He knows what has happened. He takes off dead sprint to the noise.

EXT. ROAD - MORNING

Albert quickly reaches the accident site. The man that was standing there is already trying to pull Claire out. He can’t, the vehicle is crushed too badly. The windshield is plastered next to her bloodied face. Albert take her limp hand, that is hanging out the side, in his hand he kisses it and begins to cry. He falls over and ends up laying next to the car, crying. Sirens are heard coming closer.

FADE TO BLACK:

After the two die he is going to realize that his life is pretty well empty now, and worthless, and he is going to go on a seach to find something fulfilling, and at the end realize there is now replacing them, but just moving on. I know it's pretty cliche but I'm not really very good at writing, and am just trying to get some experience. Well critize away please. (constructive preferable). Thanks.

I like the way it makes you connect with them. But it ruins the emotion when Albert just receives a phone call saying his wife and daughter were killed. How about you have short segments of the wife and daughter while in the car and Brooke is asking questions like "why...(emotional question asked innocently goes here)". Or on a totally different note... have it that the wife reluctantly agrees to let Brooke stay overnight at Alberts house that day. And when she comes to Alberts to pick up Brooke, something happens when shes pulling out of the driveway that kills her. That way she would not have been killed if she wouldnt have aggreed tolet Brooke stay at Alberts house that night. That way Albert feels guilty... etc. It makes you connect more with Albert after the death of his wife and daughter. As to how the wife and daughter get killed, maybe as Claire is walking down the driveway, she looks at the neighboring house and hears a scream. She sees a man with bloody hands and a pistol run out the front door(or whatever it takes to imply he just murdered the woman...) the man is hesitant, and when he sees Claire and Brooke, he gets real nervous and then shoots them both. And then you can tie that man back into the story in a surprise/unsuspected way... (as long as you cant see the mans face when he shoots Claire and Brook, they shouldnt recognize him later in the story) Who knows how you could tie him back in...

Hope any advice I gave helped a little bit.

Yeah I was kinda thinking that the phone call didn't convey as much emotion as say him witnessing it. I'll edit the script and you can read it again if you'd like. Thanks for taking the time, and helping me out. I'll probably revise it tonight and tommorow, as well as write more. So stay tuned.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Heliotrope,

Anytime... Im anticipating reading a revised version.

The newest draft has been posted above just to let you know.

lol. only one person read ur script

Well if you would've read it that would've made two, but I highly doubt you did since it seems your last six posts were one sentence without much help whatsoever. Maybe posting and helping next time would be a good idea.

quote:

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Originally posted by teenagdcelluloid:
lol. only one person read ur script

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Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Check again: 65 views. I was the only one that responded. If you are going to make unnecessary remarks, at least get the facts straight. Or on second thought, dont make any unneccessary remarks. It makes you look smarter.

quote:

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Originally posted by teenagdcelluloid:
lol. only one person read ur script

---

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Check again: 65 views. I was the only one that responded. If you are going to make unnecessary remarks, at least get the facts straight. Or on second thought, dont make any unneccessary remarks. It makes you look smarter.

Even if I was the only one that read this script, all I would have to say is that everyone else is missing out on a great script.

that's pretty good kreg. the ending is a bit weird though? maybe if you built it up a little bit more.

the dialogue is great though.

Well the script isn't completed yet. I haven't wrote anymore than is here yet, but I plan I writing a lot next week. Whoa holy crap I just realized what was going on Mark. I wasn't even paying attention to the name. Then I see destroy all monsters going on in the background, and I'm just like what the hell? To everyone that doesn't know what is going on [mark} is my brother. Thanks Mark.

lol.

u guys r real mean :_( why does everyone on these forums hate me?

Wow, this is really good. The dialogue is realistic and it kinda reminds me of Door in the Floor. One of the few good scripts I've read online. good job!

Was that the whole thing or the start? The story doesn't really seem to start until the mother and daughter die...it's at that point that I started wondering, "What happens next?"

I think you could whack down all that dialogue and microwaving and ice cream eating to a few low-to-no dialogue scenes that establish everyone's relationship. It's more likely that a divorced couple wouldn't say more than a couple of words to each other during a kid exchange, anyway.

Also, all that dialogue and cocoa making indicates that he does appreciate and enjoy what he has...how about making him thoughtless about what he has in his life, until he loses his kid and ex-wife. Didn't know what he had til it was gone kinda thing.

Take a look at the movies You Can Count On Me, and Blue from the Three Colors triology. They kill the loved ones off pretty quickly and violently in the first few minutes and the story goes on from there.

Thanks Filmabuff.

Poptart, it's not so much that he doesn't know what he has it's that he takes it for granted. And the two don't hate each other, as many divorced couples I know don't. It's just that they realized it wasn't working out for them.

I've been meaning to write more, and hopefully will get some time, sometime. Between school soccer and sleeping there isn't a whole lot of time to write, which is a real bummer.

When I say "didn't know what he had" I mean, "takes it for granted"...doesn't appreciate what he has.

I didn't say that they hate each other, I said they wouldn't say a lot. Divorced couples I know may not hate each other, but there is often awkwardness and discomfort between them.

I'm just suggesting raising the stakes to make it more compelling throughout.

Very good