Smoking Umbrellas

This is a film about a man who loses his family in a devestating car accident, and copes with his grief through vivid dreams, and sleep. This is my first attempt at writing a script. I've only read a few screenplays before, and im sure there are alot of mistakes in formatting, and im iffy about the dialogue, but im never too sure about anything i do.

here it is, and thanks for checking it out in advance
Smoking Umbrellas by Erik Miller

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Erik Miller,

Im also putting it in the post, due to the inconsistency of the server that i put my script on.


Smoking Umbrellas

By

Erik Miller

First Draft

June 7 2005



Erik Miller
107 Torringford St.
Winchester, CT
06098
860 379 7936
emiller81@yahoo.com



INT. DENNIS BUCHBINDER'S 3 ROOM HOME



The CAMERA pans across a mantle, decorated with photographs

The Camera Starts from right to left, picture, to picture.

DENNIS and Kelly's WEDDING PHOTO, to a picture of Kelly in a

hospital bed holding two infants DENNIS JR, and AIMEE, A

picture of DENNIS, DENNIS JR, and AIMEE (ages 6) caught in a

birthday cake food-fight, A PICTURE of DENNIS, Kelly, DENNIS

Jr., And AIMEE posing for a family picture. The Camera pans

from the mantle piece to the floor revealing more pictures

scattered across the floor, empty bottles of Vodka, Boxes

filled with papers, photographs, Children's Toys, and Books,



CUT TO:



A TORN NEWSPAPER



The headline reads (TANKER TIPS ON ROUTE 49 3 DEAD 9 INJURED)



CUT TO:



FLOOR LITTERED WITH SYMPATHY CARDS, AND 3 DEATH CERTIFICATES



CUT TO:



Dining room table. A HUGE pile of mail, newspapers, Dirty

plates, old food, To a Kitchen sink Filled with old dishes, A

refrigerator adorned with children's drawings, more family

photographs, into a door, the CAMERA points to the floor

covered with laundry, and into a bedroom. On a Drawer there

are more family photos, emptied alcohol bottles, empty

bottles of pills, to a BED, the sheets are messy, and show

signs of furious sleep We see DENNIS from behind in a fetal

position. CAMERA pans Over him to reveal him clutching onto a

wedding dress.



CUT TO:



CLOSEUP SHOT



DENNIS' HANDS holding onto the dress, His grasp Tightens.



CUT TO:



DENNIS' POV



A Blurry, Hazy Shot of a photograph, Slowly the image comes

into focus it is of DENNIS, Smiling at the wheel of his car



CUT TO:



CLOSEUP ON DENNIS' EYES.



Bloodshot, and Pained. They he clenches his eyelids shut for

a few moments, than opens them, as if in a trance, fixated.



CUT TO:



PHOTOGRAPH



Now animated. Dennis laughing.



CAMERA PANS FURTHER IN, and the Shot Fills the screen.



KELLY (O.C.)

So now she's just out of control,

and I'm just standing there, in

shock. The poor girl at the counter

is almost in tears, while this

woman is screaming at her, calling

her names, demanding to talk to

management.



CUT TO:



MEDIUM SHOT



Kelly's Profile.



KELLY (CONT'D)

and she's jamming on this button

trying to get the manager out to

the floor. The woman is just

scrambling through this box, and

than she just shuts up.



CUT TO:



SHOT FROM BACKSEAT



KELLY (CONT'D)

The whole place is quiet, except

her nasty little poodle, Just

yelping away. The manager finally

comes out from the back, I look

into the box, and I saw the button

thingie, the thing she's been

screaming fall from a fold in the

cloth right next to her hand



CUT TO:



DENNIS AT THE WHEEL



KELLY (CONT'D)

and takes it out. The girl sees

the button and says "It's

detachable so you can take it to

the jeweler for cleaning, or

modification. So now trying to save

face she said "Well there should be

something on the tag or the box, To

keep the consumer notified of such

things". Than she turns around to

this huge line of people behind

her, as if she's doing us a favor.

So these teenage girls behind me

finally say (in an exaggerated

ghetto dialect)"Yo Motha time!



CUT TO:



CLOSEUP OF AIMMEE



Makes a face of amusement at her mom's language



CUT TO:



PROFILE OF KELLY



KELLY (CONT'D)

I got five minutes left on my

break, so you, and that nasty dog

best drag ass befo i toss it out da

line"



CUT TO:



WIDESHOT OF BACKSEAT



Dennis Jr, and Aimee reacting to their mom. They start

Giggling.



CUT TO:



SHOT FROM RIGHT PASSENGER'S SIDE OF KELLY AND DENNIS



They all start laughing.



KELLY

I couldn't help myself... I just

burst out laughing, so the lady

huffs, gives us this look, and

grabs her box. As she's leaving she

starts screaming, and the line is

howling with laughter, so i turned

around, to see that her dog had

urinated all over her hands, and

arms.



CUT TO:



BACKSEAT



Dennis Jr, and Aimee wild with laughter.



CUT TO:



DENNIS AT THE WHEEL



DENNIS

You know maybe the pet store should

have put something on the dog

notifying the consumer of such

things.



The laughter intensifies



CUT TO:



CLOSEUP OF DENNIS, AND KELLY'S HANDS HOLDING EACH OTHER

BETWEEN THE FRONT SEATS



The Laughter is reverberated, and is interrupted by the

ringing of a phone The Shot freezes, and the Camera



PANS OUT



From the shot to reveal a frame, panning further to reveal a

night table. Next to the picture is a phone



CUT TO:



OVERHEAD SHOT



Dennis squirms in the bed. He turns over



JUMP CUT TO:



NIGHTABLE



Dennis violently pushes the phone off the nightable. Knocking

over a bottle of alcohol along with the phone. We hear faint

words from the phone.



CUT TO:



MEDIUM SHOT BETWEEN NIGHT-TABLE, AND THE FLOOR



We see the liquid spilling onto half exposed prongs

protruding from an electrical outlet.



CUT TO:



WIDESHOT OF DENNIS IN BED



slowly he adjusts himself up he turns his head to the left



CUT TO:



CLOSEUP OF A CLOCK WITH NO DISPLAY



BACK TO:



WIDESHOT OF DENNIS IN BED



He turns back on his side towards the right.



CUT TO:



SHOT FROM BELOW THE LEFT NIGHTABLE LOOKING UP BETWEEN THE

BED, AND THE TABLE



Dennis opens up the drawer, fumbles around inside,



CUT TO:



OVERHEAD SHOT



Of Dennis opening up a bottle of pills. He takes the bottle

to his mouth, and ingests what seems to be the whole bottle.



He returns it inside the drawer



CUT TO:



OVERHEAD SHOT OF THE INSIDE DRAWER



The pills are tossed inside, and the camera gives it's focus

to a map. It zooms further into the map. The Map becomes

animated and the camera pulls back to reveal Kelly holding

onto it.



KELLY

Dennis,



CUT TO:



DENNIS AT THE WHEEL



KELLY (CONT'D)

It's already ten of 5, I don't

think we should take forty nine



CUT TO:



WIDESHOT FROM BACKSEAT OF DENNIS AT THE WHEEL, AND KELLY

HOLDING ONTO THE MAP



DENNIS

I don't see why not. I'm sure rush

hour won't start for another two

hours



CUT TO:



MEDIUM SHOT KELLY'S PROFILE



KELLY

It's... it's not just that.



CUT TO:



BACKSEAT



Dennis Jr, and Aimee fast asleep



DENNIS

That stomach thing again?



CUT TO:



CLOSE SHOT FROM RIGHT PASSENGER SEAT



KELLY

Well no... not really. It's

strange..



DENNIS

Well what's wrong?



KELLY

Just one of those wierd feelings...

I guess we can go back the old

way. I'm just afraid of getting

stuck in a jam, and the kids waking

up all hungry, and cranky



DENNIS

Take a xanax. You're gonna give

yourself an ulcer, with your

worrying.



KELLY

Thats my job.



DENNIS

But your on vacation



CUT TO:



CLOSEUP OF PURSE ON KELLY'S LAP



Kelly opens up her purse, grabs an orange bottle, and takes

two pills from it.



CUT TO:



SHOT OF KELLY FROM LEFT



KELLY

You're absolutely right



Kelly pops this pills, and takes a sip of water.



CUT TO:



EXT.



The Buchbinder's car taking a turn into a country road.



CUT TO:



INT BUCHBINDER'S CAR SHOT OF DENNIS FOCUSED ON THE ROAD



CUT TO:



WIDESHOT OF BACKSEAT



The Children still sleeping



CUT TO:



MEDIUM SHOT KELLY'S PROFILE



Silent yet showing signs of concern on her face.



CUT TO:



EXT



OVERHEAD SHOT OF BUCHBINDERS CAR



CUT TO:



BACKSEAT



Dennis Jr. Waking up, and showing signs of urgency



DENNIS JR.

Mommy!



DENNIS

Whats goin DJ?



DENNIS JR.

Mommy?



CUT TO:



KELLY STARING OUT THE WINDOW LOST IN THOUGHT.



Dennis tugs at her shoulder, She snaps out of it



KELLY

What's wrong, bugg?



CUT TO:



SHOT FROM REARVIEW MIRROR



DENNIS JR.

I gotta pee.



CUT TO:



DENNIS AT THE WHEEL



He looks off to the side of the road



DENNIS

I've gotta go so bad, my teeth are

floating. Im gonna pull over.



EXT SHOT FROM THE GROUND



The buchbinder's car pulling over. The Car drives over the

view of the camera leaving darkness



CUT TO:



INT. DENNIS BUCHBINDER'S BEDROOM



The Camera emerges from under the bed.



CUT TO:



CLOSEUP OF ELECTRICAL OUTLET



Sparks are starting to fly from the electrical chord.



DISSOLVE TO:



EXT ROAD. FAR OVERHEAD SHOT OF CAR PULLED OVER



Dennis, and Dennis Jr exit the car They walk off camera to

pee



CUT TO:



PANNING SHOT.



Kelly Sniffing the air



KELLY

DENNIS! I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING



DENNIS (O.S.)

ITS THE ELECTRICAL TOWER UP ON THE

HILL ITS NOT BURNING. THAT'S JUST

THE SMELL OF THE OZONE INTERACTING

WITH ALL THE ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR



Kelly looks into the rearview mirror, to see Aimee still fast

asleep. She Gets Out of the Car.



CUT TO:



OVERHEAD SHOT



Kelly making her way around the car to the backseat



CUT TO:



SHOT FROM LEFT BACKSEAT DOOR



The door next to aimee opens, and Kelly reaches in to grab

her.



KELLY

Hey hun. Wake up.



CUT TO:



SHOT FROM LEFT PASSENGER DOOR LOOKING IN



Aimee, yawns, and opens up her eyes.



KELLY

We stopped off cus the boys had to

make number one. You have to go?



Aimee shakes her head "yes"



CUT TO:



FRONT OF THE CAR



Kelly scoops Aimee up into her arms.



CUT TO:



MEDIUM SHOT



Dennis, Holding Dennis Jr Makes his way towards the Camera



He turns his head to the side, and views the truck speeding

towards the car on the narrow road. He puts Dennis Jr. down,

and starts running towards the camera.



DENNIS (SHOUTING)

GET OUT OF THE ROAD. GET OUT OF THE

ROAD



CUT TO:



WIDESHOT FROM ACROSS THE ROAD KELLY HOLDING AIMEE



She looks to her right, and screams. A SPEEDING OIL TANKER

FILLS THE SCREEN.



JUMP CUT TO:



SHOT FROM LEFT BACKSEAT DOOR



Kelly Lunges into the Car holding Aimee.



SHOT FROM ROAD



The Tanker Speeds it's way onto the Route 49 on ramp



CUT TO:



WIDESHOT OF FAMILY BY SIDE OF THE ROAD



Kelly exits the car, holding Aimee. Dennis, and Dennis JR

Rush up to embrace them



DENNIS

That son of a ***** was inches away

from him



CUT TO:



KELLY HOLDING AIMEE TIGHT TO HER CHEST



KELLY (DAZED)

I didn't even hear him



CUT TO:



OVERHEAD SHOT



Family huddled together



DENNIS

Its okay, we're all okay.



MEDIUM SHOT OF FAMILY



The two relieved parent's Holding onto their children. Trying

to regain a sense of calm. Regaining composure, Dennis smiles

at Dennis Jr.



DENNIS

I hate those things



CUT TO:



LOW SHOT OF KELLY HOLDING THE KIDS



DENNIS JR.

I hate those things.



CLARISSA

Its okay. It's okay.



Sound Cue (Car horns, and Cars Crashing)



CUT TO:



SHOT FROM BEHIND FAMILY FACING THE ONRAMP TOWARDS ROUTE 49



JUMP CUT TO:



CLOSEUP DENNIS



Dennis' Reaction to the noise



JUMP CUT TO:



INT DENNIS' BEDROOM



CLOSE SHOT OF ELECTRICAL OUTLET



The sparks have now ignited the pool of alcohol that had

collected beneath



JUMP CUT TO:



MEDIUM SHOT OF KELLY, AND CHILDREN



SOUND CUE EXPLOSION



Kelly instinctively holds her children closer She looks over

to Dennis



CUT TO:



CLOSEUP OF DENNIS



Looking over at her, bewildered



DENNIS

You knew...



CUT TO:



FAR SHOT. OF ROAD THE FAMILY IN THE BOTTOM LEFT OF THE FRAME



Smoke is billowing from the distance.



JUMP CUT TO:



INT DENNIS' BEDROOM



OVERHEAD SHOT OF DENNIS IN BED



Flame is spreading from the outlet on the right, and smoke is

rising up from around the bed



CUT TO:



SHOT FROM BOTTOM OF ONRAMP



A Huge tire that looks like it could have been from an oil

tanker rolls down the hill.



CUT TO:



WIDESHOT OF FAMILY NOW GATHERED IN FRONT OF THEIR CAR



The Wheel rolls down, and stops at Dennis' Feet.



A Siren can be heard coming closer up the road. A Police car,

and an ambulance rush up onto the onramp, Another makes its

way down the road blocking the entrance to the forty nine.



CUT TO:



MEDIUM SHOT OF FAMILY



KELLY

I don't want them to see this.



DENNIS

Lets just get home than, okay.



DISSOLVE TO:



INT DENNIS' BEDROOM



SHOT FROM ABOVE



Dennis sleeping in his smoke filled bedroom. There is a moat

of Fire surrounding his bed



CUT TO:



CLOSEUP OF DENNIS



Fast asleep with a content look on his face.



JUMP CUT TO:



DENNIS AT THE WHEEL



Same look of contentment. And peace



JUMP CUT TO:



SHOT FROM THE BEDROOM WINDOW LOOKING OUT INTO THE

NEIGHBORHOOD



CUT TO:



EXT SHOT OF BUCHBINDERS' CAR DRIVING INTO A SUBURBAN AREA



CUT TO:



Wide Shot of Buchbinder Family in their vehicle.



Looking relieved. The kids are waking up. Dennis, and Kelly

Look at each other lovingly



CUT TO:



REARVIEW MIRROR



Aimee yawns silently and Dennis pops his thumb into her

mouth.



AIMEE

Mom! Tell Dennis to stop



Dennis giggles, and Aimee pinches his cheek



CUT TO:



PROFILE OF KELLY



DENNIS (O.C.)

Guys!



CUT TO:



DENNIS AT THE WHEEL



DENNIS

Too much excitement for you brats

today...



CUT TO:



SHOT INTO PASSENGER WINDOW



Kelly displaying shock. A burning house is reflected into the

window



CUT TO:



INT DENNIS' BEDROOM



CLOSEUP OF DENNIS



His head surrounded by flame



DENNIS (MURMURING)

Too much excitement for us all


[ top ]
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.

quote:

Originally posted by Erik Miller:
Smoking Umbrellas

and im sure there are alot of mistakes in formatting, and im iffy about the dialogue, but im never too sure about anything i do.

First I'm confused by the title. Smoking makes sense but I'm not catching the umbrellas.

As far as formatting goes; who cares? If you're posting it up in here formatting isn't that big of a deal. If you were trying to sell this script then formatting would be somethign to worry about but since you're just posting it in this forum its not a real big deal.

The dialogue was fine. None of it really jumped out at me as being choppy or forced or anything. There really isn't that much dialogue it the script, a lot of its decriptions and I thought the simple family conversations sounded very realistic. The script also contained some pretty interesting transitions.

All in all I'd say its pretty good, however the ending is border line "he was dreaming the whole time." After the family avoids the tanker there's a great deal of suspense because we have no idea what's going to happen next. It's too bad that not much big happens after that. I was a little dissapointed with the ending after the suspense that appeared out of nowhere.

Thanks for the input! I really appreciate it

1. Smoking Umbrellas (the title) It is slang for people who refuse help, and would rather perish in a fire than get help from the fire rescuers "the fireman called out, "We've got another smoking umbrella up here."

2. The Formatting. I wrote it that way in final draft. all i did was cut and paste it into the thread. I wish i had some more time on my hands to make it look nicer in the thread.

3. I really appreciate the input on the ending. I plan to add more to the script to maybe add some more tension after the release of escaping the tanker. I'm not too sure what though

I thought it was pretty good. The only problem that I can see is that you're telling the camera angles a little too much. If you would ever direct this movie then that's ok because it can be used as references. But generally, if you would want to sell it, the directors would choose their own camera angles.

Erik,

I thought it was a pretty good script for your first try...def far better than my first. However its usually a good idea to leave out the camera angles from the script as it distracts most readers. If you intend to direct it yourself you can always have a director's draft w/ the angles.

I usually feel one of two things by the time a read a script: regret or excitment. This being your first script, I'm really, really excited to see what you can come up with next. Also, the dialogue was really well written. I more or less can't keep reading a script because I get so bored. But your dialouge, (I'm really talking about the family-in-the-car scene) was like a breath of fresh air. With that said, the sad, melodramtic, depressed crap is sort of cliche. Or if it isn't cliche, I see it a lot in student films because it's easier to write someone depressed than happy. Because normally it means that the writer doesn't have to write a lot of dialogue, or less than they would have to write for happy people. But you pulled off happy people dialogue 100%. Anyway, over-all, I liked certain things about it but I didn't like the thing as a hole. But if you were to post another script I'd read it in a heart beat.

quote:

Originally posted by A_Film_by_Ryan_Cole:
I see it a lot in student films because it's easier to write someone depressed than happy.

I think that to write happy people is difficult because if you have what you want, you have less motivation. People who are without something, and are striving for it, people, put simply, with a GOAL, are the sort of characters you need, and maybe they are unhappy, but they are gonna doo their best to become happy. Motivation is the key. you know your character's motivation and scenes write themselves, dialogue writes itself (all you have to worry about then is not being too on the money).