Hi all.

I'm fairly new here (seeing as this is like, post number two for me) but as I mentioned way back in post number one, I'm preparing to shoot scenes from a feature-length script I have written.

My first step in this process is to get brutally honest feedback using the comfortable anonymity afforded by the internet. So, here I am. The draft I've got ready is something like the sixth iteration of this script - though it's the first full length version. (It was going to be a short film but it's just too complex for that.) The film, entitled "The Way of Seeming", is a supernatural thriller with a dab of philosophy thrown in for good measure. (A cookie to who can tell me where the title is derived from!) A brief description is included at the end of the post.

I'm looking for some honest feedback from folks who have enough experience to sense what works and doesn't work with the script. How "filmable" is it, basically. I don't need an editor (despite the wealth of pore gramer... uh, poor grammar), since I am rebuilding it from scratch and will have a slew of new errors by the time I'm done. This is the first script I've ever written that I am going to shoot (my other works are either for online virtual series or for the stage, which is a whole different ball game) so advice from someone who has been there, done that would be great.

Okay, enough longwinded-ness from me. Here is the promised film description. It's the standard blurb that's up on the website and myspace pages. Seems effective enough.

The Way of Seeming
Since time past remembering, a mile-long stretch of Kelly Road has been fraught with strange, unexplained phenomena. Bizarre happenings plagued passers-by, and malicious spirits seemed to drive the residents mad.

For twenty years, that mile has stood empty, travelled only by daylight and even then with caution and trepidation. The stories surrounding the road have become urban legends to the people of Ohioville. But for one young woman, those stories unearth disturbing memories from her past.

Dawn was only a little girl when her brother disappeared. His body was never found, and no arrests were ever made. It was as if he simply vanished. And though her recollection of what happened that fateful night is uncertain at best, Dawn will soon become convinced that Kelly Road has something to do with it. She is determined to confront the ghosts of her past, and find out the truth behind Kelly Road and her brother's disappearance.

Or die trying

My first thought was that this seemed a little similar to Silent Hill. Then again, I could be completely wrong and that isn't the type of storyline you had in mind at all.
You gave a nice flowery, intriguing description of your story, but you still danced around what your film was actually about. I could see how that story could be handled in a thousand different ways and styles.

If you want to shoot me a complete copy of the script, I would be glad to read through it and see where you are headed with the story. (as long as its formatted properly enough to be readable)

thomascd@purdue.edu is my electronic-mailing address. If you send it to me Ill do my best to leave you some detailed, constructive feedback

Hey this is on Celtx Project Central!
Yeah.

braininabox is right – from your description we get little bearing on what the film is going to be like. To be honest I don't think I'll have the motiva... time to read the whole thing. Do you have a particular scene that you could recommend?

Also, Ohioville is a lame name.

I'm not gonna lie, I like the direction this movie is going with your brief little segment there. What is your planned budget?

oh yeah i forgot to mention that. I don't like Ohioville either. Use sometihng more mystical like Potenza Creek, Tomlinsin Cove, Durango County, Wexler Valley, Brayden Falls. Those arn't the best examples but try putting names like that together and find one you like.

braininabox, I'll send a copy of the script off to you. Thanks! And it's definitely not Silent Hill. It's formatted properly, originally written in Sophocles. (Although, as Ignis et Glacies points out, the next version is being written in Celtx.)

I'm working out the budget right now, actually. It largely depends on which scenes I'm going to be shooting. It's also going to include the cost of some new equipment.

The name Ohioville is the real name of the real community. I may change it, but that name (as well as the name Kelly Road, which is less than terrifying) are the real names of these places.

Back when the road theme festival was going on I was working on making something called Bermuda Road that was kind of similar to this (well idk how similar it actually was, but kind of the same sort of deal). Just this spring though I found a real Bermuda Road not too far from my house, which was kind of weird, lol. I never wrote it, or made it though. I just though I would add that, lol. If you want you can steal the name for your road, might be too much though idk.

Thank you for the suggestion. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with town/road names. If something larger comes of this I would probably consider giving more creepy/mystical names to the places. But if it ends up being some thing strictly for a demo reel or just a local release kinda thing, I'll probably keep the current names, since many people who would view this film are from the town of Ohioville and know about the road. It's not often Beaver County makes it into the movies. (In fact, the only instance that springs to mind is the Bill Murray/Woody Harrelson film "Kingpin", where one of our more shady-looking bowling alleys was used.)

I had originally planned to submit this to Steeltown Entertainment's 2005 screenwriting competition but apparently, the competition never happened. Just as well, since there's a lot of room for improvement.

Forgive the bit of necromancy here, but I've wrapped up the latest version of the script and I've written a new blurb that is hopefully a bit more informative. If anyone feels motiv... has the time to give the latest draft a look, it would be much appreciated. Here's the new, somewhat wordier (I think it's a little long, personally) but hopefully more effective, blurb:

Every October 18th, the nightmares return.

It’s happened ever since Dawn was a little girl. Ever since her eighth birthday. Ever since her twin brother disappeared without a trace. The doctors claim it’s guilt. She came home that fateful day, and he didn’t. But what do they know? Dawn understands there’s something else happening to her, but she cannot figure out what.

This year, there’s something different. The nightmares have returned, yes... but now Dawn has begun to see her brother. His visage haunts her every waking moment and plagues her throughout the night. He seems to be beckoning to her to find him. To save him.

As Dawn’s mental state deteriorates, those who care about her the most struggle to make sense of what’s happening. And soon they may discover that all of them share a common past, and a common fate... on Mystery Mile.

Since time past remembering, a mile-long stretch of Kelly Road has been fraught with strange phenomena. Bizarre happenings plagued passers-by, and malicious spirits seemed to drive the residents mad.

For twenty years, that mile has stood empty, travelled only by daylight and even then with trepidation and fear. The stories surrounding the mysterious mile have become urban legends to the people of Ohioville, stories that serve as a warning to the fearful and as a tantalizing invitation to the superstitious and the curious.

While the stories have waned in recent years, Dawn will soon become convinced that Kelly Road is very much at the heart of her brother’s mysterious disappearance. She is determined to confront the ghosts of her past and find out the truth behind Kelly Road and her brother’s disappearance.

Or die trying.