Hi there, just wondered if you would have a read of this short script, see what you think. I know it sort of rests on the speech, so any ways of making it less cliched, more real would be very helpful. Any comments are welcomed. Thanks

Run Through
By
Matthew Dewsbury

INT. Bathroom – NIGHT

Paul Gardner, 21 is in the bathroom, evening sunlight streaming through the window under the half closed blind. He appears to be preparing for an evening out. He wears blue jeans, and a freshly pressed white shirt. He slowly washes his hands in the basin and then dries them. He looks in the mirror, takes a deep breath, fiddles with his hair slightly and walks out.

INT. Bedroom – NIGHT

He sprays a small amount of cologne across his chest. He grabs a jacket from behind the door and notices a photo frame on his chest of drawers. He looks at it for a moment, photos of old friends, sparking a pause in his actions, a moment to reminisce and then he snaps back out of it and moves away.

INT. Hallway – NIGHT

The sun setting red light shines through the tinted windowpanes of the front door. Paul slips on some shoes, grabs his keys and leaves the house. He stands outside of the front door, his still shadow visible from inside.

INT. Pub – NIGHT

Side lighting illuminates a small quiet pub. Paul sits at a corner table meeting his best friend Jessica. The table is lit by candlelight. Paul sips at a beer and looks down at the table. As if getting a grip of himself he looks up and into her eyes, the camera completely focused on him.

Paul
Listen, I need to talk to you about something. But can you do me a favour; can you let me finish before you say anything? It might take me a while to put this into words. I need this to be like I’m writing you a letter; because it’s the only way I can ever articulate myself correctly. I want this to sound how it should you know. (Pause sips at his beer). Yeah ok…(nervously looks at his watch, then down to the table). See the thing is…well for a while now…no, no, no let me start again. This morning, I woke up with that familiar hangover, like every day I suppose and the first thing I did was make tea for us, we sat on your bed and watched Spaced. We moaned about our headaches, laughed at the TV, gossiped about the previous night. It was my turn to go to the shop and buy bread and bacon, though it always seems to be my turn. Remember, last week, Wednesday night maybe, we went to that open mic night at the Swan. That guy, played Darling Don’t and you told everyone, Sarah, Dave, Jimmy that it was our song. You were kidding, it was certainly news to me but they all believed you and you looked into my eyes as if you wanted it to be true too. You’ve been asking me a lot recently whether there’s anything on my mind, I’ve always said no, I was fine but there has been, there is something on my mind. (takes another drink). I have feelings for you. We’re best friends, we have been for a few years now, we’ve been through a lot together and I don’t know what I’d do without you. But just lately my feelings have changed, shifted slightly, they’ve grown stronger. (takes another drink). We are so close to each other, we do everything together and just recently that’s not been enough. I want more. A few weeks ago we were drunk, and you called me troublesome, and we almost kissed. Since then, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head, haven’t been able to get the idea of kissing you out of my head.
I love the way you laugh, the way you flick your hair when you’re nervous. I love the curve of your feet; I love the way you talk about your passions, the latest C.D, or movie, the latest Book you’ve read. I love the clothes you wear and the way you play guitar. I love that glint in your eye when you’re feeling mischievous and the smile on your face when you’re happy. I love the way you cry, the way you sort of sniffle when you’re asleep. Whenever I’m in your company my heart beats a little faster, my legs jump, my muscles twitch and yet at the same time I feel so calm, so content. (He pauses, finishes his pint and sighs). Please don’t be angry with me for telling you this, I wouldn’t want things to be uncomfortable between us; I guess that’s inevitable… Oh, I’m not very good at this.

Paul’s pint is finished. He picks up the empty glass and stands up.

INT. Dining room – NIGHT

We pan out from what we thought was a pub to find it is Paul’s dining room. There is no one else in the room. The single candle burns as Paul leaves the room. Practice is over.

EXT. Outside of house – NIGHT

We return to the scene where Paul leaves the house. He pauses just outside the front door. He looks at the sky, and shuts his eyes, holding back a tear.

INT. Pub – NIGHT

Paul’s hand is placed on the table. A female hand rests on top of it.

EXT. Outside of house – NIGHT

Paul walks away down the street towards the pub.

THE END

Perhaps you could reconfigure the script so that the speech in the imaginary pub is the first scene, and the situations establishment can be Paul leaving his house, might flow a little better.

just a thought

I think I’m going to cry… just joking. I liked it. The dialog is long so you might lose some viewers. Maybe try chopping it up more or something. What you planning on doing with this?