I just signed up to this forum and was wondering if anybody could offer me any feedback on this first draft of a script I wrote. I would greatly appreciate it as there's a chance I might shoot it this summer. If that doesn't work I have another idea developing in my head about a student who, overwhelmed with stress, holds his breath in class and in the process has a series of dreams. If the latter interests any of you, don't hesitate to write to me.

Any way here's the script:

Fade In
Int.–Apartment-Night

Well furnished living room, neatly arranged. In the center is a long couch; in front of which is a state of the art T.V set. To the left, we see the entrance to the kitchen and to the right, the front door and coat hanger. An electric fan, on top a commode, blows wildly.

Sound of door unlocking; enter well dressed man in business suit, overcoat and briefcase in his hand. He looks tired. He puts down his briefcase, takes off his overcoat and hangs it. As he enters the living room, he takes off his jacket and throws it onto the couch. Without stopping, he walks through the kitchen corridor where he disappears from sight in the back room.

The camera moves down to reveal a strange looking man sleeping on the couch, he is wearing a green military jacket(uniform); the usual coming home sounds(water running; doors; flushes etc) are heard in the background.

The man reenters the scene, shirt unbuttoned, loosening his tie. He walks over to the T.V. but stops and jumps backward as he notices the strange man.

He tries taking a few breaths, which have no effect.

He moves away as quietly as possible, for a man in his condition, into the kitchen where he picks up the phone.

He dials and re-dials after missing a few keys.

Man
(dialing; breathing deeply)

(ringing)....c-come on, pick up the phone...(click)h-hello? Ray?...yeah, it’s me Jonathan....f-fine and you..S’ nuttin’ I’m okay..sure(hesitantly)NNO..there’s aa(looking toward the stranger)(gulp)strange man in my apart-ment....(slightly panicky)I’m serious....you’re always busy....Easy for you to say.... I don’t like this...yeah sure, don’t worry about me.

He hangs up; leaning against the wall he takes a breath. He opens the kitchen cupboard where he gets out a wine glass; opens the fridge, notices something is wrong and looks in direction of the living room where he finds the wine bottle just at the side of the couch.

He goes to pick it up but a hand stops him.


STRANGER
(grunting; O.S)

I’M..Not..finished.

JONATHAN is slightly a jarred.

JONATHAN

Oh...ssorry.

Grumbling off-screen as the hand snatches the bottle. Gouging sounds; a hand puts the bottle down.

JONATHAN attempts to pick it up but a brief growl convinces him to give up.

JONATHAN is puzzled, not sure what to do. He makes way for the liquor cabinet; pours himself a glass of scotch. A distant snorting is heard.

JONATHAN

Don’t even think about it.

He takes a swig, bites his lips, savoring his drink with
his tongue.

He turns the T.V set on. The stranger starts to whine uncontrollably.

JONATHAN

Alright, alright! Have it your way!

He turns it off. Lets out a great “oof”, shakes his head then sits in an armchair sipping his drink.

JONATHAN stares, over his glass, at the badly shaven stranger.

JONATHAN

I don’t know who you are-

He scrutinizes his uninvited guest.



JONATHAN

-or who you think you are but I-

The stranger lets out a loud fart.

JONATHAN is stunned.

JONATHAN

So that’s how it’s gonna be? huh? Well….I’ll re- ….I….I….Ah, forget it! What’s the use?

JONATHAN finishes up his glass, gets up, is about to leave but is stopped dead in his tracks when:

VOICE
(mumbling)
ge..ehh..Geh….get me uh..notherr….battle

JONATHAN turns to the source of the voice, it’s the stranger’s obviously.

STRANGER
(still mumbling)

Eeeh….Get..Me..anothER…Battle

Not understanding, JONATHAN heads for the door.

STRANGER

Hee,heeh,hehh...yeh WeeLL..heh..ya wILL

He carries on laughing until JONATHAN turns the knob.

STRANGER

Wahhgghh!NAAOOH! DON’T GO!
JONATHAN turns around to look at the stranger. He slowly steps back into the living room, hesitant.

STRANGER

Heh,HEGH! SEE! I knew you would.

JONATHAN picks up the bottle, a hand grabs his arm.

STRANGER

It’s too co-old outside ya know.

JONATHAN
(a little confused)

Cold? We’re in summer!

STRANGER
Heh,heh(wheeze)…you’re smart aintcha

The stranger grins revealing his badly kept teeth. He lets go. JONATHAN heads for the kitchen, bottle in hand.

STRANGER

I use ta bee smart too ya know.

(pathetically imitating an english accent)

I say! That’s a mighty fine meuridioon
You got there! 2000 to be exact! MARvelous!

JONATHAN looks at the wine label. Indeed, it says ”Méridian 2000”. He is impressed, but quickly shrugs it off as nothing.

STRANGER

Bring out the GE-WURST! I say! Bring it out!

JONATHAN is more confused than ever.

STRANGER
(laughing and growling)

Walk the plank, you seadogs! Walk the plank!

JONATHAN doesn’t understand, he takes a few steps backward and is stopped by a loud creak. He turns around and notices a floorboard slightly loose. The plank? He pulls it open, sure enough there is a dusty bottle of “Gewurztraminer 1939”.

STRANGER
(O.S.)

Yeah-UP! Finest kind!

JONATHAN takes out the bottle; stares at the label.

He looks over to the stranger.

The stranger stares wide-eyed at JONATHAN.

STRANGER
You-were-wrong! Whoaheeheeheehee!

He is laughing hysterically. He calms down a bit, clutching a couch arm.

Brings back mem’ries don’t it?

JONATHAN

I guess…

Jonathan is pensive, looking away.


STRANGER

You...married?


JONATHAN shrugs.

STRANGER

Wise of you..heh,heh..nothin’ but trouble
nothin’ but trouble



JONATHAN
(turning to the stranger)

You think so?

STRANGER

Absolutely!

JONATHAN tenderly holds the bottle top to bottom; both hands.

Back in the kitchen, he gently lays it on the kitchen counter. He slowly shakes his head in bewilderment. He walks back to the liquor cabinet to fill himself another glass.

STRANGER

Do ya no good..(bulge)..no good

JONATHAN looks again toward the stranger then looks away. He takes a swig. The stranger squirms a bit in his “bed”, JONATHAN turns off the electric fan. The stranger appears to have fallen asleep. He walks over to a shelf full of vinyl records. Going through them, he takes one out and puts it on the record player on top. Slow tango music begins to play.

JONATHAN paces around the room.

The stranger slowly wakes from the music.

STRANGER

That..music

JONATHAN turns his attention to the stranger, shakes his head then walks to the record player to turn it off.

STRANGER

NO!! Leave it!

JONATHAN obeys.

The stranger is lying on the couch hugging himself, listening intensely to the music.

STRANGER
(barely audible)

Ah, Yasmin...

He takes a cushion and cuddles it.

STRANGER

my baby, my jewel, my...wife

Cut to:
CU of a dark-haired woman smiling; she looks happy in a drunken sort of way.

Cut to:

Int.-Apartment-Night

JONATHAN
(forcing a smile)

You? married?
Light laugh.

STANGER
(almost crying)

SHUT UP!

JONATHAN shuts up.

STRANGER
(calming down;silent sniffing)

She was all mine...

Cut to:
Int.-Apartment-Day

We are in the same apartment. The furniture is arranged differently. The stranger is neatly dressed in his military uniform. He has a neat black mustache. He is dancing a tango with the woman we just saw before. They are both very obviously drunk.

STRANGER
(V.O.)

I had it all.

Cut to:
Int.-Apartment-Night

STRANGER
(to himself)

(sigh)Why did you leave?

JONATHAN looks downward, ashamed.

STRANGER
(to JONATHAN; not looking)

You don’t know the half of it.

Cut to:
Int.-Apartment-Day

As the couple carries on dancing, the camera leaves them to approach a young girl, 17, staring out the window. She notices something.

Cut to:
POV from the window

A boy, a little older, walking up the street; he plays a few notes on a harmonica.

Cut to:
Int.-Apartment-Day

The girl gets up and discretely runs for the door. The dancing couple pays no attention to her departure. The camera stays with them as they dance.

Fade to black



STRANGER
(V.O.)

From there...an abyss opened

Fade to:
CU of the stranger; pull back as he speaks to reveal JONATHAN in the far frame.

STRANGER

Everything I ever owned..fell into that dark hole that separated us...taking all but me...what next?..(in czech or german)un matin au sortir de rêves agités, il se retrouva dans son lit changé en un énorme cancrelat. Puis sa tête retomba malgré lui et ses narines laissèrent faiblement passer son dernier souffle.

The music fades, so does the stranger.

JONATHAN is speechless. He tries to wake up the stranger but fails. He runs to the kitchen over to the phone. Dials a number (same as before), waits but hangs up the last minute. He is edgy. He runs for the front door but before he can touch the knob he is frozen. He leans his head against the door. In his frustration, he slams his fist; brief cry of pain. He looks back in the direction of his helpless visitor; he takes his overcoat then returns to the stranger to tuck him up. Next, he gets the bottle of Gewurztraminer from the kitchen and tucks it under the stranger’s arm.

WIDE SHOT of the room shows JONATHAN turning off all the lights so that the only lighting remaining is from the windows outside. JONATHAN retires to the back room where he disappears. From here on he reappears and disappears in silhouette holding one end of a phone under his arm(the other being the receiver). The distant sound of a siren is heard.

Fade out

The End

I'm a little confused... It's really hard to understand what's happening. There isn't really a conflict taking place, and while I was expecting things to come together and make sense, they didn't. I guess the quality depends on what shooting style you're planning. You should consider a filmoir, that would look good.

My main suggestion is to check out some of the references posted in this site, they will help you develop standard screenplay format a little better.

All in all, this screenplay wasn't horrible, but it just doesn't have much of a backbone.