I revised my script recently. Originally it was about seventeen pages longer but I shortened it. What do you think of it?

The Deal

FADE IN:

Opening Credits

SUPERIMPOSE: Boston, 2003

EXT. - ALLEYWAY - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

The rain is pouring over the city of Boston. Thunder can be heard off in the distance. The alleyway is filled with old trash and rusted, metal trash cans filled to the brim with garbage. Despite the street lights, the streets are bare and dark. No cars are on the streets.

FRANK suffers another savage hit to the head and falls to the ground.

Several gang members brutally kick and punch him while he’s down.

CONNOLLY, the leader, props up the beaten body of FRANK.

CONNOLLY
I’ll ask you again. What the hell are you doing here?!...What do you know?

FRANK
Nothing...I don’t know what you’re talking about...I don’t know nothing.

CONNOLLY
(taking FRANK’S police badge and shoving it in his face)
Look at that!...Do you see it? You’re a cop. Don’t give me that bull****!

FRANK
Please...No!!!

CONNOLLY aims his gun and shoots him twice in the chest point blank.

The drenched and lifeless body of FRANK slumps into the mud.

CONNOLLY
Leave the body. We got less than an hour.

The group walks quietly back to the car near the alleyway and drives away.

EXT. - JUNK YARD - NIGHT

It is raining heavily. Piles of trash, old car parts and tires clutter the area. The buildings surrounding the junk yard has broken windows and chipped paint. A broken down, rusty truck is parked in the middle of the junk yard.

The car enters the junk yard through an old unused road and parks towards the back of the junk yard. All five gang members exit the car.

They proceed to a building near the car. LOXTON unlocks the door with an old key. All except LOXTON enter the building.

CONNOLLY, JIM and JOE ready machine guns inside the building.

ENGELMAN places the suitcases on the table and nervously peers out the broken windows.

LOXTON lits up another cigerette.

LOXTON
(to CONNOLLY)
They’re here.

Two sedans pull into the old road. Six gang members exit the cars. Five are carrying guns. ENGELMAN and CONNOLLY walk to the middle of the junk yard.

GANG LEADER
(to GANG MEMBER 1)
Get the money.

GANG LEADER
(to ENGELMAN)
Open it.

ENGELMAN opens both suitcases. The suitcases are crammed with hundreds of neatly wrapped bags of heroin. GANG MEMBER 1 hands CONNOLLY the duffle bag.

GANG LEADER
(continued)
Aren’t you going to check it?

CONNOLLY
Should I?

GANG LEADER
No reason.

CONNOLLY unzips the duffle bag suspicially

CONNOLLY
Is that all of it?

GANG LEADER
Five hundred thousand bucks. What, do you think I’m some kind of scam artist?

CONNOLLY gives a crooked smile. GANG LEADER and his group walk to the cars silently and drive away.

INT. - JUNK YARD BLDG. - NIGHT

There is one large table under long windows of broken glass. The air is think and the floor is creaky and worn.

The gang meet inside the building. CONNOLLY passes out the money evenly.

Several police cruisers speed into the junk yard with sirens blaring and the cops get out of their cars, guns drawn.
JOE
Dammit!

COP 1
(speaking on a megaphone)
Connolly, we know you’re in there. Come out we you’re hands up!

JIM
Is there another way out?

LOXTON
This is the only exit.

CONNOLLY
(pacing back and forth, gun in hand)
Who tipped them off?!

LOXTON
(trembling)
What do you mean?

CONNOLLY
Who called the cops?! How the hell did they find out?

A few more police cars and ambulances drive into the junk yard.

COP 1
Connolly, come out now peacefully or we will fire.

LOXTON
I’m going...I can’t deal with it.

ENGELMAN
(shoving him away from the door)
What the hell are you thinking?

LOXTON
Leave me alone...I can’t stay here!

CONNOLLY grabs LOXTON by the throat and holds him against the wall.

CONNOLLY
You did it! You bastard!

LOXTON
I didn’t squeal on anyone. It was Frank.

CONNOLLY
Frank’s dead. He had nothing to do with it.
(beat)
I trusted you, Loxton.

CONNOLLY centers his gun right between LOXTON’S twitching eyes and pulled back the hammer.

ENGELMAN
Don’t do it!

Sweat pours from LOXTON’S face. CONNOLLY’S hand begins to shake.

ENGELMAN
I mean it. It’s not worth it.

Suddenly, the door busts inward police swarm the room with rifles.

CONNOLLY is shot in the neck as he tries to shoot a cop.

The rest of the group surrender without a struggle.

ROBINSON, the Boston Police Chief, slowly enters the building.

ROBINSON
Paul, are you alright?

ENGELMAN
Yes, sir.

ROBINSON
Let’s go.

They both exit the building as the perimetics rush into the room.

ENGELMAN
Did you catch the other gang?

ROBINSON
Yes, we caught them. About two miles down the road.
(beat)
For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about Frank. He was great cop.

ENGELMAN
For a second, I thought you guys would never come.

ROBINSON
Well, thanks to Frank, he told us where you would be. Everything worked like clockwork.

A body bag is rolled out of the building behind them.

The rest of the gang are escorted by cops in handcuffs.

ROBINSON
(continuing)
You did a great job Paul.

ENGELMAN
Thank you, sir.

INT. - GANG LEADER’S ROOM - NIGHT - ONE WEEK LATER

The room is well kept and organized. It is dimmly lit but the lighting is adequite. A couple gang members play pool on an expensive looking pool table. GANG LEADER is sitting at the table playing solitare and smoking a cigar.

ROBINSON enters the room and is frisked for weapons. He is carrying the duffle bag full of money.

GANG LEADER
You made it...I thought you’d be a couple days earlier.

ROBINSON
(giving GANG LEADER the duffle bag)
It’s not easy to get to the evidence after it’s been processed.

GANG LEADER counts up some money and hands it to ROBINSON.

ROBINSON
(continuing)
Only two thousand? Where’s the rest?

GANG LEADER reluctantly hands him another couple thousand.

GANG LEADER
If anyone finds out about this...

ROBINSON
They won’t. It’s been taken care of.

GANG LEADER
It better be.
(beat)
Want a cigar?

ROBINSON
Ok.

GANG LEADER lits the cigar for him.

ROBINSON
(continuing)
I have to get going.

GANG LEADER
Good-bye.

ROBINSON leaves the room. GANG LEADER watches him as he walks across the street from the window. GANG LEADER signals to another gang member. He takes another long drag of his cigar and continues his game of solitare.

The other gang member readies a sniper rifle and opens the window to take aim.

One shot is fired.

I thought allright but could be a lot better. The twist at the end isn't very powerful because not enough has been established. Maybe some time before the actual deal showing the two gangs plannign things out or something that establishes the characters a little more. The dialogue is pretty good with the exception of

CONNOLLY centers his gun right between LOXTON’S twitching eyes and pulled back the hammer.

ENGELMAN
Don’t do it!

Sweat pours from LOXTON’S face. CONNOLLY’S hand begins to shake.

ENGELMAN
I mean it. It’s not worth it.

Both those lines are pretty cheesy and unbelievable. Make them seem more natural. People don't have to be yelling to be persuasive. With just a few changes this would be a real solid short film script.

I'm so tired of the crime genre being over used in student films that if I were to be really honest I'd hurt your feelings.