i started a new script and all i want to know is, in these 6 pages, do you personally find this character and his conflicts intriguing and interesting. thanks for your feedback. ---Trent

p.s. some of the formatting got messed up when i pasted it.


INT. BAR - NIGHT

Gabe Jefferson, dressed meticulously, hair gelled up, sits with a beer in a bar, watching sports. He sits across from a girl, Kiomee, a bigger girl. They’ve both had a few drinks and are deep in conversation.

Gabe
Well I don’t know, I mean, yea, the Lakers have started just goin downhill. Now, the Clippers are on the rise again.

Kiomee
Yea, well, it’s a crazy world. My dad is a big Lakers fan. He’s got the posters of Kobe, Shaq, all them.

Gabe
Well Shaq isn’t even on the team anymore.

Kiomee
Oh really?

Gabe
No, he got traded awhile ago.

Kiomeee
Hmmm. I guess that happens.

Gabe
Yea, it was awhile back.

A moment of silence lingers between them as their eyes both go to the television screen in the bar. Kiomee tries to pick up the conversation again.

Kiomee
So how do you like LA now?

Gabe
Well, I’ve been here for 8 months. Honestly, most of the people here suck. There’s just so much ego crap these days. So much schmoozing. I’m sick of it.

Kiomee
Yea, the people can get nutty sometimes.

Gabe
Yea, it’s nice to meet someone with a normal, un-LA job.

Kiomee
Well, I’m fascinated by the industry here. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Gabe
It has it’s moments. You must really like kids to teach though, huh?

Kiomee
Yea, they can be great. A lot of times I just find myself pulling my hair out though.

Gabe
I respect anyone who can teach for a living. Cause I know I couldn’t.

Kiomee
Oh, well, you know, what can I say.

Gabe
Yea.

A small silence lingers as they glance up to the television again. Gabe gives a fake look to his watch.

Gabe
Well, it’s getting late. I should be going. But good chatting with you.

Kiomee
Hey, you too.

Gabe
Alright, well I hope to catch you again sometime.

Kiomee
Well wait, what’s your number. Maybe we could meet up again later.

Gabe
Yea, sure. I think I’ve got a card in my wallet here.

He looks in his wallet, takes out a card.

Gabe
Ah yes. I do. Here ya go.

Kiomee
Awesome. I’ll give you a call.

Gabe
Great. Sounds good. See ya later.

Kiomee
Bye!

INT – OFFICE – DAY

Gabe sits in a business meeting with a group of other co-workers. One of them, Bill, is giving a presentation with charts.

Bill
So our March “what’s on your feet?” campaign went really well, guys. Congratulate yourselves for that.

Some co-workers smile at Gabe, congratulatory. Gabe bite his lip, nods back, obligatory.

BILL (CONT.)
But this month we want to really ramp up our image. We need to add something new. Re-stylize, so to speak.

Gabe’s cellphone rings. He rushes into his pocket to turn it off.

GABE
Sorry.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

The workers file out of the door of the meeting room. Gabe is last to come out. Bill, taking down his charts, catches him by the shoulder.

BILL
Hey Gabe. Listen. I’m gonna need you to take the initiative again on this one. I need you to really come through for me again.

GABE
Hey, I’m here to make you look good, man. That’s what I do.

BILL
I knew I could count on you. Thanks.

GABE
You got it.

Gabe walks out the door and glances at his cellphone.

CUT TO:

INT. GABE’S CUBICLE – DAY

Gabe listens to his voicemail.

KIOMEE
(nervous)
Hey Gabe, this is Kiomee. Umm, we met at Irish Times this weekend and I was just calling to see if you were interested in doing something this weekend. Maybe sightseeing -

Just then, Shelly, the sexy siren of the office, walks into Gabe’s cubicle with a stack of reports. Gabe closes up his cell phone.

GABE
What’s goin’ on Shelly?

SHELLY
Not much Gabe. I was just wondering if you could help me fill out some reports that Bill is making me do.

GABE
Sure. What exactly can I help you with?

SHELLY
Well here it says one company. But on the same line on this different sheet it says Georgia Incorporated. So which one is it?

Gabe looks over the reports, flipping between the two.

GABE
Okay, you see here. The dates are different. This one is later. So I’d go with Georgia, Inc. Always go by the latest.

SHELLY
Okay. And what about here. Does Bill actually want us to create separate accounts for each order?

GABE
Yea, he does. I don’t know. I agree with you. It’s just really being too picky.

SHELLY
Yea, I’ll say.

GABE
Is that a new dress?

SHELLY
Oh this. Yea, I got last weekend. You like it.

GABE
Yea, you look fantastic in it.

SHELLY
Oh, you’d say I look fantastic if I was wearing a trash bag.

GABE
(laughs)
Probably true.

SHELLY
Okay Gabe. Well thanks. See ya around.

GABE
Yea, see ya. Hey, what are you doing after work. Do you want to get a drink?

SHELLY
Oh, ummmm. I don’t know. I’m pretty tired today. But maybe another time.

GABE
Alright. Well see ya around.

SHELLY
See ya.

Shelly leaves. He looks at his cellphone again, picks at his teeth. He listens to the message again. Over the voice recording is a MONTAGE

VOICEMAIL
(nervous)
Hey Gabe, this is Kiomee.
INT. GABE’S CONDO – Gabe, bored on the couch, watches television, picks up the newspaper, sees the heading “Bars are back!”

VOICEMAIL (CONT.)
Umm, we met at Irish Times this weekend and I was just calling to see if you were

EXT. STREET – DAY – Gabe enters into a bar.

VOICEMAIL (CONT.)
interested in doing something this weekend.

INT. BAR – DAY – Gabe sits at a bar alone, watching TV. He eyes an attractive girl at the bar. She smiles obligatory at him. Gabe raises his glass to her. She looks away.

VOICEMAIL (CONT.)
Maybe sightseeing in LA or something or other. Umm, If you are let me know, or if

INT. BAR – (CONT.) – The girl gets up and leaves the bar with a friend. Gabe takes another sip of beer and turns back to the TV.

VOICEMAIL (CONT.)
another time is good for you. My phone number is 555-7272. Okay.

INT. STRIP CLUB – Gabe watches a girl dance for him. She leads him into a private room and starts giving him a lapdance.

VOICEMAIL (CONT.)
Hope to meet up with you soon. Bye.

MONTAGE END

EXT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT

Gabe walks out of the club and out into the city. He takes a breath of city air deep into his lungs. He pauses. He pulls out his phone, takes a reluctant breath, and puts it to his ear again.

VOICEMAIL
Hey Gabe. This is Kiomee. Umm, we met at Irish Times this weekend.

He brings the cellphone away from his ear and holds it up to see the screen – “Delete message. Yes or No?” He sighs and presses a button. “Message Deleted”.

Hmm....IMHO i found this character and his conflicts quite.....boring.

I mean, this kind of character is seen in SOOOOO many films today....its almost cliche....hopefully it picks up after this and doesnt become one of those cheesy love flicks stockloaded with cliches

I have to agree with gelo...I honestly don't see where this film is going or why you wrote these first 6 pages in the first place. Can you enlighten me the premise at least?

its a character study of a guy who has a primal need to feel more connected to someone. he helps people so he can feel connected. but what he really wants in life is to have someone he can truly count on and who will be loyal to him. and that's where Jet comes in. the first scene, at it's core, is Gabe trying to connect with someone and failing. Then just as he takes a stand for himself by not helping them out, they die. He feels an ultimate guilt that he can only cure, ironically, by helping someone out. Gabe, in his subconsious, helps people not for the joy of helping others, but to further himself. That is his major change and ultimate sacrifice in the story.

Here are the next 4 pages in case you're curious.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Gabe sits in his cubicle, flipping through the LA Times. Jeff comes by.

JEFF
Hey playa, what up. Doin’ a heck of a job, man.

GABE
Hey, thanks Jeff.

JEFF
I heard a new position’s being created. It looks like Bill’s gonna get it. Then someone’s gotta take his spot.

GABE
****, really?

JEFF
Yea, man. Good stuff.

GABE
Well may the best man, win then.

JEFF
I’m sure you’ll get it. Everyone knows the effort you put into this.

GABE
Well, we’ll see. You’re not doin’ too bad, yourself.

JEFF
Hey, do you want to play some more raquetball this weekend?

GABE
I’m a little rusty, but sure.

JEFF
Hey, do you know that girl, Shelly?

GABE
Yea, pretty cute.

JEFF
Duuuude.

GABE
Yea, I know.

JEFF
Duuuude.

GABE
You tryin’ to get some of that?

JEFF
Why? Are you?

GABE
Well, yea, I don’t know. I don’t think she’d go for me.

JEFF
Well let’s take her out for a drink or something.

GABE
Alright, totally.

JEFF
Alright, playa. Whoa, here comes Bill. Act busy. Catch ya later.

Jeff walks off. Bill walks by the cubicle, sipping his coffee.

BILL
Hey, how’s my number one guy.

GABE
Pretty good, Bill. Just following through on these reports.

BILL
Nice job. Keep it up.

He takes another sip of coffee and heads off.

Gabe picks up the newspaper again and flips through it. Something in the paper catches his eye and his jaw drops. There’s a picture of a smiling Kiomee. Next to it is the headline – “35 year old woman jumps off freeway”.

GABE
Holy ****.

He reads the article, dumbfounded, shaking his head. He ponders. Guilt weighs on his shoulders and shows in his eyes.

He flips to the obituaries and looks up her name. “Survived by one son, 17. Funeral being held at Mason Creek Funeral Home. Call 555-4348”


EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

Gabe stands with about a dozen mourners, listening to DEBBIE, 32, giving a eulogy.

DEBBIE
Kiomee was a beautiful person. A wonderful teacher, enriching the lives of so many kids. A wonderful friend, helping me through hard times. Quite honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without Kiomee by my side sometimes. I only wish. (breaking up) I only wish. I. I wish I could have been there for her. I wish I could have done something more for her. She needed help. This person. This beautiful person just needed some love in her life.

The words weigh heavily on Gabe.

DEBBIE
She was a wonderful mother, raising Jet mostly by herself. She did the best she could and I can vouch for that. We need more people like Kiomee in this world and it would be a better place.

Gabe glances to his right. Standing there is JET, 17, dark and brooding. Showing more brooding anger than sadness. Gabe studies him, curious, confused.

EXT. CEMETERY – LATER

The coffin is lowered into the ground. Jet throws a shovel-full of dirt on the coffin. He hands the shovel off to Gabe, who shovels some dirt on himself. Jet takes a second glance at Gabe, not recognizing him. As they both walk away, Jet slows down to Gabe’s speed.

JET
Did you know my mother?

GABE
Oh yea, we were friends.

JET
Oh yea? Never heard of you.

GABE
My name’s Gabe. I’m really sorry. She was a real nice person. I wish maybe I could have helped her out at the end.

JET
Yea. Right.

GABE
So what’s going to happen now?

JET
Well, we gotta pack up all her ****. Probaby gonna start livin’ with my dad, now.

GABE
Well I’ll help you clean up the house and move her stuff out.

JET
No, no, it’s alright.

GABE
Really, I insist, it’s the least I can do. Just let me help for a few hours at least.

JET
Alright. Well, what’s your number?

it did seem kind of boring and "been done before", theres nothing about the character that makes me want to keep watching (reading) and the dialogue seemed kind of forced and cheesy, mostly at the begining.

but it wasnt terrible, i would just suggest having an inciding incident or something clever that lets us feel something for the main character so we can relate to him.

yeah, ditto. i think you needa analyse your character a bit more...

The story gets hard to follow at the montage. Technicall the voice mail is not talking so it does not get a character name.

I feel that it's been rushed.They say a minute a page so you put all of this is the first ten minutes.