Ok so I'm a amateur film maker and this is my first script I wrote,all honest feedback is welcomed.This is by no means a final draft,its a first rough draft/concept.It will be a horror film.

Ok the movie starts out where this creepy guy with a suitcase dressed in black knocks on someones door,a teenage boy answers and the man pitches him an offer for a miracle pill,saying that this pill will cure any sickness and gives you an ecstasy while you sleep.So naturally the kid buys the pill and since he did the old creepy guy gives him an extra one for free.So the kid takes the pill and goes to sleep.The next day he goes to his friends house(the main character) and tells him about this pill.At first his friend is very skeptical about it,but he gets talked into it and takes the pill.Later that night before he goes to sleep,he decides to try it out,and so he takes the pill.But when he falls asleep he quickly finds out he's gotten more than he's bargained for.

End of Act I begining of Act II

Brian(Our main character) has just taken the pill and goes to sleep.For a little while he gets a esctasy feeling from the pill,but it doesn't last long and he wakes up in night sweats.Its still dark outside,but he can't fall asleep again so he goes out into his living room.He feels cold,alone,he turns the lights on but the room is still fairly dark.Something doesn't feel quite right,and then he hears some noises outside.Well I'm going to jump ahead a bit now,basically he realizes that he's still in a dream world,and that it is a daker,evil mirror version of the real world.Most of Act II is where he tries desperately to wake up,and to get out of this dream world,in the middle of Act II he finally wakes up.But now he's seriously disturbed,so he goes to his friends house that gave him the pill.Brian's friend(Elliot we'll call him) is not home,and seems to have been gone for a few days now.In fact,most of the towns teenagers seem to be missing as well,then he learns from a Elliots parents that he and most of the towns teens went out to camp in the near by desert.He also realizes that what he does in the dream world effects his environment in the real world.The end of Act II shows Brian hiking out into the desert to where the teens are.

End of Act II begining of Act III

Brian is getting some gear for the trek out to where the towns teens have gone to.At this point during the movie,he hasn't sleept since he took the pill.Slowly at first he starts to lose preception of reality,pretty soon he can't tell between the dream world and the real world.As he is hiking to where the teens are,he starts to feel better,the closer he gets to the camp the better he feels.He arrives at the camp and soon realizes that something is terribly wrong.To his horror he's found himself in the middle of a cult.He sees his friend Elliot,and he sees the guy who sold Elliot the pill.The mysterious man turns out to be the cult leader.He explains to Brian(in which he is frozen with fear) that the pill is a powerful,soul taking drug,and that whoever takes it becomes enslaved to this cult.But the leader can tell that the pill hasn't completely taken over Brian yet,that some incredible spiritual power within Brian is preventing it.He says to Brian "Your friend Elliot here was the same as you,but no one can resist the pill's power,everyone succumbs to it sooner or later,the farther you are from where we are now the worse it gets..." Brian shakes his fear off and starts to run towards the town.A few of the now cult following teens run after him,a chase through the desert ensues.As Brian gets closer to the town that horrible feeling he had during the dream world gets worse and worse.It seems to be taking forever for him to reach the town,the cult teens behind him seem to get closer and closer,until Brian gets to the town entrance,where the teens break off,and go back to the camp.There is a local handyman repairing a street sign,Brian runs up to him,gasping for air,trying to explain what happened.The handyman says "What in tarnation are you running from son?" Brian looks at him and shock and asks "Didn't you see those two guys chasing me?" The handyman laughs and says "Kids these days,what an imagination." At this point Brian doesn't know what to do.He's losing his sanity now,he doesn't know whats real or whats not anymore.He goes back to his house,and tries to think on what he should do.He says to himself "Maybe this will all go away if I just ignore it and live my life normally." Unfortunately for him,he can't even function now.He's gone completely insane.A few days later a teenage girl hears a knock on her door,she answers it and she sees a young man dressed in black,with a suitcase.He then tells her about a wonderful pill.The young man is Brian.

A lot of people on here say that general script format doesn't matter--and I tend to agree. But what I think they mean is it isn't a big deal if you misplace a comma here or there, or don't write action phrases in the right spot, etc. I think what you need to do is rewrite your script in actual screenplay format, so then you can call it a "script" rather than a few paragraphs of ideas, like:

HANDYMAN: What in tarnation are you running from, son?

BRIAN looks at HANDYMAN in shock.

BRIAN: Didn't you see those two guys chasing me?

HANDYMAN laughs.

HANDYMAN: Kids these days, what an imagination.


See what I mean? Not only is it 135338.88 times easier to read, you'll have it in a format that you can actually approach directors, actors, and friends with.

I know you said it's just a rough, but when you've already gotten it in this format, it's just a matter of putting names and colons before dialogue and spacing out the action phrases.

Plus it looks more impressive when it's all spaced out and 25082 pages longer.

Try rewriting it like that and I guarantee you'll get some more feedback on it.

Ok yeah I'll re-write it,thanks for the tips
Basically this was my brainstorm written down so I can see what is workable and whats trash.

I thought it was somewhat interesting. If you apply some good dialogue and trippy dream sequences you may have something. Only critisizm would be the way the story starts...the idea of a guy just walking up to a house and presenting the pill just seems so unrealistic (though I do understand this isn't ment to be the most real of story) so I think if the pill was received some other way it may be interesting. just to throw out an idea that just came to me, maybe the main character gos to a party and someone's passing out pills...maybe not your average teen party (maybe after taking the pill he starts acting weird, aswell everyone else? maybe they rape him? haha) , perhaps the after effects are desirable but misunderstood by the main character...then in the desert we see all the weird teens, and how they are all crazy mind control slaves. Feel free to use those ideas and pull inspiration from them.

Yeah I like that idea, I'll tweak it up a bit and post the first act in real script form soon,then I'll rewrite the other acts.I've got some nasty dream sequences already set up,and what I'll do is I'll keep the begining,but the main character will have flashbacks to a party during the dream sequences.I'll finish up the first act tonite and post it.

Flashbacks are the devil. They're the weakest way to review past events and viewers know it. Avoid using them at all costs.

Opening scene

Its mid-morning

Camera shows MAN dressed in black holding a suitcase strolls down the street.

The MAN is humming a song.

The MAN walks up to a house and rings the doorbell.

Camera shows teenage boy rustle awake from his sleep.

He is covered in his own sweat.

BOY mumbles to himself : Ahh not another nightmare.

He hears the doorbell and gets up slowly to go answer.

BOY answers the door.

BOY asks while rubbing his eyes: What kind I do for you sir?

MAN in black answers with a big smile: Me? What can you do for me? *chuckles* My boy what can I do for you?

Boy looks confused

MAN: I'm a business man, here on business. My name is Sir Duke Franchis of Earl, but you can call me The Duke if you like.

BOY reaches out and shakes his hand, then says: You can call me Elliot, now how may I help you?

DUKE: I'm selling the most incredible, life changing pill the world can offer today.

ELLIOT asks quizzically: A...pill?

DUKE giggles to himself: Yes my boy a pill! But not just any ole' pill ,no young lad this pill will change your life forever!

ELLIOT, now curious asks: Well what kind of pill is it? And how would it change my life?

DUKE smiles and says: It is a dream pill, when you take this pill you will never have nightmares again,and you will have to most wondrous of dreams.

ELLIOT’s eyes widen

ELLIOT says to himself: Wow, maybe this can help me out.

DUKE: Hello my boy, you aren't day dreamin' on me now are ya?

ELLIOT looks at him and says: No no! I was just thinking about this pill, how much does it cost?

DUKE: Free! It is absolutely free!

ELLIOT looks surprised, he says: Wait a minute, I thought you were selling me this pill?

DUKE: Well you look like quite the skeptic if I say so myself, so I won't charge ya nothing for it.

ELLIOT: Wow that’s awfully nice of you but..

DUKE cuts him off and says: And, since you have been kind enough to hear me out,I 'm going to give another pill, free a charge!

ELLIOT: Wow, ok well I don't think this is one offer I can refuse, I happily accept!

DUKE: Wonderful!

ELLIOT: Now do I take both pills or how does that work?

DUKE: No my boy, one pill is all you will ever need, give the second one I gave you to a friend.

ELLIOT: Oh ok that is good to know, one last question though.

DUKE: Yes?

ELLIOT: When do I take it?

DUKE: Right before you go to sleep.

DUKE: Well I must be on my way, I have plenty of more houses to hit before my day is done.

ELLIOT: Its been a pleasure doing business with you Mr. Duke.

DUKE: Oh the pleasure is all mine child, its all mine.

They say goodbye and part ways.

ELLIOT walks to his room looking at the pills.

Elliot's MOM from kitchen: Elliot who was at the door?

ELLIOT: Just some salesman, he's gone now.

MOM: Oh ok.

Later that evening

ELLIOT takes the pill and goes to sleep.

The next morning

ELLIOT grabs his car keys and hustles out the door.

MOM: Where on earth are you going this early honey?

ELLIOT: To Brian's house, I'll be gone all day.

MOM: Drive careful sweety.

Shows Elliot driving away.

ELLIOT arrives at Brian’s house.

ELLIOT knocks on the door.

No answer.

ELLIOT knocks harder and longer this time.

Still no answer

ELLIOT looks through a window and sees Brian coming to answer the door

ELLIOT: About time.

BRIAN answers the door

BRIAN: Dude its like 5:00 in the morning, what in the world are you doing here?

ELLIOT: Its 6:15 sleepyhead, anyways I have something you’ve gotta see.

BRIAN: Whatever man, its still early, come in and show me what you have.

Both enter the house.

ELLIOT: Hey man check this out.

He shows BRIAN the pill.

BRIAN: A pill?

BRIAN: What’s so special about a....hey wait a minute, this isn’t drugs is it man?!

ELLIOT: Dude chill its not drugs, it’s a sleeping pill.

ELLIOT: You’ve been having trouble sleeping lately right?

BRIAN: Yeah ever since you took me to that stupid party.

ELLIOT: Hey you were the one that asked about it in the first place.

ELLIOT: Anyway, did you take something at the party that could of messed you up? A drug or something?

BRIAN: No I’ve already told you that, all I had was some of that punch but that was it.

BRIAN: Did you doing anything on that night Elliot?

ELLIOT: Yeah right, like I would do something like that, I just had the punch, same as you.

BRIAN: Ok so what does this pill do?

ELLIOT: It’s a sleeping pill, I took it last night and for the first time since I went to the party I had a full night’s rest.

BRIAN: Really? You’re not joshing me are you?

ELLIOT: Of course not bro, look at me.

BRIAN looks at him.

ELLIOT: I’m dead serious ok, this will help you sleep.

BRIAN: Where did you get it from?

ELLIOT: Does it matter? Just trust me on this one.

BRIAN: I don’t know, I got a weird feeling about this.

ELLIOT: Ok no rush, I’ll just leave it here and you can take it if you want it.
BRIAN: Ok I’ll think about it.

ELLIOT: Ok cool.

BRIAN: Do you wanna do something today?

ELLIOT: Nah its ok I’ve got some stuff to do.

BRIAN: Stuff? Since when do you have stuff to do?

ELLIOT: I always have stuff to do.

BRIAN: Sure

ELLIOT: I’ll see you later Brian

BRIAN: Later

ELLIOT exits the house, gets into his car and drives away.

BRIAN picks the pill up off the coffee table and holds in his hand

He stares at it for a few minutes, puts it into his pocket and walks into his bedroom

Later on that evening BRIAN is eating dinner with his parents.

DAD: Well that was a very good dinner dear.

MOM: Thanks sweet heart.

BRIAN is slouching in his chair

MOM: Brian where are your manners? Don’t slouch at the dinner table.

BRIAN: Sorry, couldn’t help it.

DAD: You look beat, why don’t you go hit the sack early.

BRIAN: I’m ok.

MOM: Listen to your father, go get some rest.

BRIAN: Ok, good night Mom, night Dad.

DAD: Night son.
MOM: Sweet dreams honey.

BRIAN exits the dinning room and goes to his bedroom

BRIAN plops onto his bed, then remembers he has the pill in his pocket.

He grabs the water bottle on his night stand and is about to take the pill.

He looks at it intently

BRIAN: Ahh what the heck, what can go wrong?

He takes the pill and turns the light off.



Thats my first draft of Act I, Act II is where the dream sequence happens.I'll get that up tomorow.I know I'll tweak this a few more times before the final draft.I might consider changing the begining as well,but I want to see where this version takes me.

lmao. That is the best script I've ever read.

quote:

Originally posted by FashtheStampede:
lmao. That is the best script I've ever read.

*sniffs air

Is that a hint of sarcasm I smell?

The comedy is dead on absolutely hilarious! The Duke is great fun for the family!

I just threw the duke name in there for the moment,I'm still coming up with the names for the characters,including the cult leader.I'm getting a feel for how the convos might be,nothing is final and this is just rough/drafts/concepts.

Also I'll be directing/producing/cameraman/editor of the film,so I have to write a script based on what I can do for my budget/time/location ect. I'm not trying to write a hollywood blockbuster here,something relatively simple with depth and some twists to it.So just keep these facts in mind as you read it.

I would eliminate the "chase across the desert" part, just because that would be very difficult to do well.

Yeah, totally. Keep up the good work.

Also, I would suggest that you keep a surrealism to the whole ordeal. You know? Give it a more creepy vibe, and like it takes place on another planet or something.

Go with Kyle's advice also with the whole mind control slaves thing too. The dialogue needs a lot of work. Try and make it more unique and out of this world. I think if you did that then it should work as some creepy ass weird psychological thriller. Maybe.

You don't have to explain everything either. You can just imply things. I suggest you see a movie called Gozu directed by Takashi Miike. You can rent it at Hollywood Video. I think it'd give you some inspiration on the creepy surrealism thing, if that's what you want to go for. But don't watch it with your parents.

Thanks for the helpful advice guys,so far I have some good changes in store for the first act.One thing I'll change up is the fact that Eliiot acts way to normal after taking the pill,compared to what happens to Brian when he takes it.I'll change some things up and then edit the first act,then I'll see how it goes from there.

do lots of research on the subjects your handling;
http://www.free-essays-free-essays.com/dbase/2e/cia24.shtml
http://www.factnet.org/Margaret_Thaler_Singer/Group_Psy...amics_and_Cults.html
http://www.impiousdigest.com/lbj/Page1cx2.html
http://www.freeessays.cc/db/43/sxg174.shtml
http://www.francesfarmersrevenge.com/stuff/serialkillers/manson.htm
http://www.mindcontrolforums.com/archv-hm.htm

carefull what you read, the internet tends to have information that isn't true, and information that may not seem true but is. this subject can be bothersome to some people (like myself in ways) but in the end its best to just say "**** it."

Thanks for the links,this should help me out quite a bit.I'm not going to base the movies cult on any kind in real life,I don't want my actors to feel uncomfortable playing their parts,so I have something in mind for that.

You nut Kyle. Lmao

The concept sounds pretty cool, but you need to work on the dialogue. I couldn't possibly imagine some of those lines working in a film. Sounds very unrealistic. Otherwise nice job, especially for your first screenplay.