ok this is the short i want to make this seemester, i attached this script, read it, do your thing, and tell me what you think

FADE IN

INT. SEAN’S APPARTMENT - AFTERNOON

Sean, 21, is sitting down watching an old classic film noir. He is smoking a cigarette, and holding a beer bottle. His room is messy with beer bottles, cigarette packs, and clothes on chairs; your typical messy room.
We see Sean watching the film, but he is not focusing.
Someone knocks on the door; he goes to open after a little while. Alan walks in.

ALAN
Damn man, glad to see you’re still alive.

Sean walks back and sits on the chair quietly.

ALAN
I called you, were you sleeping or something?

Sean is sitting ignoring Alan; Alan looks at Sean for a second.

ALAN
Then you’re still upset…Come on, get up and finish packing you have…

SEAN
Alan if you want to stay, just stop talking.

ALAN
(Sarcastically)
I can also leave if you want.

SEAN
It’s up to you.

Alan sits across from Sean. Alan lights up a cigarette.

ALAN
I know things didn’t turn out the way you wanted, but you can’t control everything.

SEAN
I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.


ALAN
Dude you should be happy, you’re going to pursue your dream... Look, maybe I didn’t live a love story like you did…but she isn’t the last woman on earth.

SEAN
You know why this feels so bad? It’s because I don’t know why this ended…we had it all planned, to go to California, but all of a sudden she didn’t even want to know me.

ALAN
I’m sorry man… maybe that’s what’s best for you, to go to California and work hard to build the career you always wanted. Just remember the happy moments you had with her, you never know what can happen tomorrow.

Sean sighs, feeling a little more content.

ALAN
Come on man, let’s go, you have a train to catch.

Sean and Alan leave to the train station.
Alan’s car pulls up at the train station and Sean steps out of the car. As Sean wakes away, Alan opens the window.

ALAN
Sean, if you need anything give me a call man. And remember what I told you. Don’t worry, you’ll get over it.

Sean nods his head, and walks away to enter the train station.

Sean is walking in the train station, to sit at the last bench.
He sits down, turns around and looks at the clock.
He pulls his cell phone out, and calls Jennifer. He gets the voicemail, he leaves a message.

SEAN
Hey Jen… I’m calling to say goodbye, I’m leaving to California now…I wish you were coming with me.

We see Jennifer walking in slowly behind Sean, smiling.



SEAN
(CONT.D)(Sadly)
I don’t know why things ended, I tried my best but you never told me why… Anyways, I guess I have to be grateful enough for the happy times, try to move on, and keep in my mind the best out of this.

Jennifer smile fades and slowly walks away.

SEAN
(CONT.D)(Sadly)
Maybe one day, if I come back, I’ll see you again and things would be different…I’m really gonna miss you. I got to go, I wish you best in whatever you will do…Bye.

Sean is silent for a second; he moves his head down, with a sigh.

CUT TO:
Multiple cutaways of moments he remember with Jennifer, happy moments.

CUT TO:
Sean standing outside as the train arrives; he wakes up of this day dream.
The train is coming closer.
He looks to the side for one last time hopping Jennifer will come back. He gets on the train.

FADE TO BLACK.

EXT. DEREK’S CAR – NIGHT (3 MONTHS LATER)

Jennifer and her boyfriend Derek are sitting in the car arguing.

DEREK
Look baby, I promise you will be in and out in no time.

JENNIFER
Honey I don’t feel good about this.

DEREK
(Angry)
Just ****in’ do it, you know we can’t pay for this **** anymore…Can’t you ****in’ do anything for me.

Derek smacks Jennifer on the head. Jennifer starts to tear.

DEREK
(nervous)
I’m sorry baby…you know how bad we need this; he just wants you there at this small party, come on, you’ll have fun.

JENNIFER
Well why can’t you come with me?

DEREK
Because he just asked for you…I-I’ll be waiting right here baby, don’t worry…

JENNIFER
…You love me?

DEREK
Of course I do…just remember do whatever he tells you to do, don’t say no.

Derek leans and kisses Jennifer, Jennifer is scared. She looks at Derek and walks out of the car.

CUT TO:

INT. DEALER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jennifer walks in the drug dealer’s house; she is escorted to the dealer’s room.
She walks in the room, scared.

DEALER
Jenny…

JENNIFER
(Smiling with a tear in her eye)
Hi.

DEALER
You are so sexy babe.

Jennifer is standing in front of the dealer shaking.

DEALER
Take your top off babe.

Jennifer slowly takes her top off.

DEALER
Come here to daddy…

Jennifer slowly walks towards the dealer.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. RESTURANT – NOON (4 years later).

Sean and Dina who is Jen’s friend are sitting in a restaurant in New York City.

SEAN
(upset)
Do I look like a freakin kid to you; I want to know, why the hell she didn’t answer me when I kept calling her. And whenever I called you, you kept saying she will call me back.

DINA
(sadly)
Jen didn’t want to tell you what happened.

SEAN
(nervous)
What happened…?

DINA
She had some hard times…

SEAN
(yelling)
Tell me now what happened to her.

DINA
Jen…Jen…is an escort girl.

SEAN
What?

DINA
…She gets paid to see other men.

Sean stands up quickly and walks away, Dina rushes behind him.


DINA
Sean…Jen made me promise not to tell you anything, she felt you would hate her if you found out…Life was hard on her…If you see her now it will only hurt her more…it’s better if you just forget that you came to New York.

Sean is not even looking at Dina.

He walks out of the restaurant, looks around him, he is in shock to what he headed, and stands by a wall to catch his breath.

(Music in background, the movie will end of cutaways of Sean walking in the streets of New York City and Jen walking around wearing this cheap outfit, with sadness on her face.)

FADE TO BLACK

THE END

Good Script. Try to turn sean's flashback/dreams into fantasies.( example: a fantasy of him actually meeting up with her at the dine then abruptly cuttind or dissolving, as you prefer, into his conversation with dina). Try to make sean's transition between reality and dreams harder and harder to distinguish. Maybe you should remove the "3 months later caption in order to suggest wether the scene at the station is real or not. Don't take my word for it(your script is already quite good), just think about it. Surreal film noir, perhaps? Think about it.

Hope this helps, well done anyway

Ralph

thanks for the feedback
someone i know read it..said they dont c the conflict and its all kinda behind wat we see...and think its missing alot