Just at a quick glance, do all these subplots sound like too much for a movie that will be 50-60 minutes?

-Guy needs to write script fast for his short movie in a highschool film festival
-Guy is also lonely, but meets girl, subplot there
-Guy eventually starts making movie, shifts from focusing on script to the filming of the movie
-At the same time, intercutting a movie within a movie about a murder


The thing is, in the beginning, it focuses on him, mainly him, writing his script. He thinks to himself a lot, and whenever he's alone. When it eventually goes to them filming it, it focuses more on the group of the people, an there are no Voice Overs from him at this time, only when he's alone. Do those sound like two different structures that just clash, or do you think I will be able to blend all this together in an hour?

sounds a like adaptation jr. and why do all of your movies involve a guy being lonely?

But for your first question, i think you can roll it up into a 50-60 minute film.

but you could just try writing it and not ask us.

I guess you could have just tried not being a dick and not even responded, but, you know.

sorry, i know im an ***, but i did respond to your question, which is helpfull advise.

I don't think it's too much. Keep the sub-plots in moderation, though; it will only seem like too much if you devote too much time to them and branch off from the main story so much that people don't know what's going on and what they're supposed to be focused on. Make sure they all intertwine somehow (the important thing about subplots is to keep them relevant).

It does sound alot like adaptation...

I think you easlily could fit all that stuff, but the more in depth you get in any of those things, the harder it becomes. It really depends a bit on how much of each thing you want. I think those two structures could be effectively blended, but I think that if they were done wrong, they could also fail.

If you're worried you have too much for your time, and your time is 50-60, why don't you just make it a bit longer and make a full feature?

make him have a twin.

Because this movie is about adapting a book about an orchard thief right? In Hollywood? and Charlie Kaufman's the only writer in the world, he's the only one who does voice overs, and he invented the self loathing protagonist? Oh, that's right, he didn't. And last time I checked he didn't write movie about a highschool film festival, but I could be wrong.

You're getting mighty defensive, man. You asked for feedback and that's what you're getting. Just because it's not what you wanted to hear, doesn't mean it's wrong.

What the hell? I didn't jump down anyone's throat. Did I ask anyone if it sounds like any movies they've ever heard of? No, I asked about the structure.

And defensive, yes. I'm not allowed to defend my movie? If people are allowed to trash it or whatever, I can in turn, defend it. To the people who commented on the structure, I thank them, good or bad. But if someone just insults it, **** that. I'm allowed to say something.

I don't think everyone who said it sounds like adaption were being rude (like jstow, who just said "It does sound alot like adaptation..."). And Even if that's not what you asked, commenting on something that they noticed that might be a problem seems like a valid comment to me. I don't think anyone was saying that you're not allowed to defend your movie and your artistic choices if someone questions them, just that your response, which seemed to be directed at both ktabes and jstow (who wasn't rude) came off unnessarily defensive and rude.

Boy, you really weren't lying when you titled yourself "Nervous Larry," were you?

I don't think anyone was trying to be rude. You just took it the wrong way man. We're all just trying to help. You asked for feedback and you were given feedback. Take it or leave it. Don't start bashing the people who were just giving you advice. It leads to flaming, and that gets you nowhere.

I dont want to sound like I'm taking sides but from reading over this thread it looks like some of the 'feedback' Larry received wasn't very helpful or neccesary.
Anyway who really cares, hey. It's in the past lets leave it at that.
As for your question I think you would be able to blend it all into an hour.

Wow, maybe everyone else is blowing it out of proportion? My one sarcastic (but not incredibly vulgar or vicious) response was directed towards Kyle Johnson's comment. If anyone needs to calm down, it's the rest of the board freaking out about a comment I even said wasn't directed towards them. Seriously, did some comment on a message board on the internet really affect you that much? Jesus Christ.

I said "It's in the past, let's leave it at that" and then...it starts up agin. Where will it end? WHERE! WHY!

I aint touching this one with a forty foot pole.

Whatever, I was willing to let it go right away, as long as no one starts making stupid remarks.

first off, yes i think u can fit all that in, i think it looks like a lot more on paper than it really wuld be. second off, come on guys let's not get into flame wars with each other, who cares if it's an adaption, it sounds pretty interesting. well that's my 2 cents.

Most of the film is going to focus on the actual filming of the movie, with the focus on the writing shortly in the begginning. The only thing it really has in common with Adaptation is that it's about writing a movie at one point and he thinks to himself sometimes. Which is a thousand other movies as well, probably, so who cares.

By the way, that was a calm response, just in case it sounded like I was angry.
I think I'm going to try and keep everything in like everyone suggests, Ill post a script when it stops being a mess and I get it in order.

Here's my very very rough draft of the first act. I know it is in some ways similar to Adaptaion, we've established that, so no more with that, please. I need feedback on the structure of the film, which to me seems kind of flawed, and if it has some cohesion. Also, how it entertained you and how it felt as a whole. Just please dont focus on one thing, like how I type my slug lines, give me some more than that, like what scenes you think slow it down, are repetitive, what i can do to fix it, etc. Thanks
--------------------------------------------


FADE IN:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL TV STUDIO- DAY

Cheap theme music plays. An enthusiastic STUDENT INTERVIEWER sits in a chair surrounded by second-rate lights and a cheesy set. He looks directly at the camera and reads from a sheet of paper.

S. INTERVIEWER
Welcome to today’s edition of the Lakeland Regional High School Student News Show! Today we have two special guests, Lakeland’s own aspiring filmmakers, Ryan McFaggen and Stanley Maverick!

The INTERVIEWER pauses, robotically turns to the interviewees as the camera angle changes to reveal them: RYAN McFAGGEN, a smug looking student dressed in very neat, hip clothes, and STANLEY MAVERICK, 18, a pale nothing. He has dark circles under his half-mast eyes. His clothes are worn out, old, and basic. His hair is short and coarse, yet meticulously groomed.

S. INTERVIEWER (CONT’D)
Welcome to the show!

The two nod.

S. INTERVIEWER (CONT’D)
Since this is your senior year, I want to know what big plans each of your has for this year’s student film festival. First off, Stanley, do you think your movie will be funnier than the hilarious comedy you made last year?

STANLEY clears his throat, hesitates.

STANLEY
Actually, I’m planning on making something serious this year.

S. INTERVIEWER
Oh, that’s quite unexpected from you.




STANLEY
(Interrupting)
It’s going to be the most ambitious and complex movie I’ve ever made.

The INTERVIEWER stumbles, not expecting this. He pauses, tries to come back.

S. INTERVIEWER
Oh, uh, well, can you tell us what it’s about?

STANLEY once again hesitates.

STANLEY
I don’t know.

CUT TO BLACK

ROLL TITLES

INT. STANLEY’S ROOM- NIGHT

A computer screen illuminates the dark room. STANLEY stares blankly at the screen, muttering to himself. A digital clock reads 3:24.

STANLEY (V.O.)
Think. Think. You need an idea. You’re past the deadline. You could make another comedy.
(Beat)
No. No more comedies.

He hesitates, and then strikes the keyboard.

STANLEY (CONT’D)
(Sporadically typing)
The story is about a...killer. Yeah. It’s about a murderer. The murderer is a... maniac. Yeah, a man who is-

INT. DETECTIVE’S OFFICE- DAY

A weathered detective, the gruff and manly DETECTIVE SMITH tosses a folder stacked with papers onto an office desk. A bright spotlight of a ceiling lamp shines on it in a dramatic 1950’s noir fashion.

SMITH
Disturbed. Severely disturbed.

He is talking to a young rookie detective, JACK SMITH, who is seated with a very glazed look on his face.

JACK
(Forced)
So...we need to catch this guy, and fast.

SMITH
Right. He’s turning our small town into a death zone. He’s killed 2 people already.

JACK
Well- has the FBI gotten involved in this yet?

SMITH
No, and you know they won’t until he’s killed another-
(Dramatic CU)
You know, five or six people.

JACK
Wow, five or six.

SMITH
Even though you’re a rookie, I’m assigning you...the case.

JACK
Right, I’ll get right on it.

INT. STANLEY’S ROOM- MORNING

The alarm clock is buzzing. It reads 6:35AM. The camera pans to show stacked notebooks brimming with papers. Random instructional and technical books are also scattered, along with a few unread novels collecting dust.

STANLEY is not asleep, but has his head down, eyes staring. A beat, he blinks his red eyes and glances at his computer screen. It has been graced with the cardboard dialogue mentioned earlier. STANLEY looks it over as if he cannot understand what he wrote. The buzzing continues.

INT. BATHROOM

STANLEY stands in front of the mirror, examining himself. Leaning in:

STANLEY
(To himself)
What are you doing? What the hell are you doing?

INT. STANLEY’S ROOM

Going for the door, he stops to glance at the MURDER MYSTERY script still on the computer screen. He hesitates, then switches it off before leaving.

EXT. STANLEY’S HOUSE- MORNING

Waiting on the curb, he stares at the leaves on a tree. A car is heard speeding closer. A faded WHITE KIA comes to a screeching halt next to STANLEY, nearly taking him out.

INT. CAR

STANLEY is in the passenger seat, staring out the window. Driving WAYYY over the speed limit: the one person STANLEY can mutually tolerate, MATT RANDAZZO. MATT is a bit younger than STANLEY. Though tired, MATT seems much more vigorous and full of life compared to the pale and skeletal STANLEY. He squints at the wheel.

MATT
Stanley?

No response from STANLEY, who has his eyes closed.

MATT (CONT’D)
You pissed at me or something?

STANLEY
(Opens his eyes)
What? No Matt. I’m just thinking. And I’m tired.

MATT
Oh. Yeah me too. I hate school. I hate school so goddamn much.

STANLEY counts trees as they fly by the window. A sign reads “LAKELAND REGIONAL HIGH SCHOOL”. CU of STANLEY’S face.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL- MORNING

The two stand against a wall, waiting for school to start.

MATT
God I hate school.
(Beat)
Hey, you get any ideas yet for your movie?

STANLEY
(Staring to the side)
Kind of. Not really.

MATT
That’s cool.
(Beat)
You know, I still say you should make another comedy.

STANLEY
(Annoyed)
Well maybe I don’t want to, ok?

MATT
I’m just saying it would be-

STANLEY
(Intense)
Yeah, well I’m tired of everybody “just saying”. I already said I’m not going to make another comedy, and I’m not going to make another comedy, ok?

MATT looks off to the side. They stand quiet once again. A fellow student approaches. This is JOE, black, slim, shaved head, basic clothes.

JOE
Hey, Stanley, you gonna make another comedy this year?

STANLEY looks up the sky in exasperation.

STANLEY
(To MATT)
I’ll see you later, I gotta get to class.

STANLEY walks off in a looking very sick.

INT. CLASS ROOM

STANLEY stares at a math test, dumbfounded. He glances over at a pretty female classmate and stares at her for some time as she takes the test. Suddenly, her eyes shift to him. He quickly turns away, trying to hide himself.

STANLEY (V.O.)
(Nervous)
Did she see me looking at her? I hope not. I wonder if she likes looking at me like I like looking at her.
(Beat)
Or maybe she thinks I’m creepy as hell. I hope she doesn’t have a boyfriend. I hope she doesn’t tell him. He could probably kick my ***.

STANLEY glances over at the girl again, who has readdressed her attention to the test.

STANLEY (CONT’D)
I bet she’s sad deep down. I bet I could help her.

STANLEY looks down with intense eyes.

STANLEY (CONT’D)
What the hell am I talking about? She’s not sad. I’m sad. And ugly.
(Intense)
And I’m a terrible writer. My script is terrible. I’m terrible.

EXT. POLICE STATION- DAY

JACK SMITH, the rookie detective, is hard on the case. Looking for clues, he suspects his long time friend JOHN SMITH of foul play.



JOHN
Jack...are you saying that I could be the murderer?

JACK
(Sighing)
I don’t know John- I don’t know what to think anymore.

JOHN
But we’ve been friends...for so long.

JACK
I know, but since you predicted the murders- well, all signs point to you- John.

JOHN
So you don’t think, that it might just be possible, that, I’m psychic?

JACK
(Sighing)
I don’t know- I don’t know what to think. But I’ll talk to you later, get some sleep- you need it.

JOHN
Bye.

The two rigidly walk off in separate directions.

INT. TECH ROOM- AFTERNOON

ON TV SCREEN: A trailer for an exciting, well made movie plays. After it ends, there is a round of clapping.

STANLEY sits at a large table surrounded by other students, including RYAN. MR. ALLEN, a bald, middle-aged video teacher sits at his desk a few feet away.

MR. ALLEN
Very impressive Ryan, as usual.

RYAN puts on a smug face, holding back a blushing smile.

RYAN
Thanks Mr. Allen. I spent a lot of time on the digital effects.

STANLEY has a nervous, distraught face in the background.

STANLEY (V.O.)
He’s going to get mad. He’s going to find out I still haven’t shot anything. He’ll know I’m lying.

MR. ALLEN looks up. He stares at STANLEY with oncoming disappointment.

MR. ALLEN
What about you, Stanley?
(Beat)
Do you have any footage yet?

Silence. Everyone stares at STANLEY.

STANLEY
(Blurts out)
I started my script last night.

MR. ALLEN nearly puts his head down in disappointment.

MR. ALLEN
Well, you want to tell us about it?

STANLEY gets up and walks to the front of the room and faces everyone.

STANLEY
(Excited)
Ok, it starts out- there’s this small town, right? And there’s this murderer- well first, there’s a detective- it’s, well, it’d hard to explain.

MR. ALLEN
Stanley, you know you can’t make something violent.

RYAN
Yes, it’s clearly stated in the school’s guidelines.

STANLEY
(To MR. ALLEN)
Don’t worry, only like nine or ten people die in it.

RYAN
Maybe you should just stick to comedies, Stanley. It’s what you’re good at.

STANLEY (V.O.)
(Looking at RYAN)
You *******.

Everyone remains silent. Suddenly, a young student, JIMMY, stands up in the back.

JIMMY
(Enthusiastic)
I think it sounds great Stanley, I really do. I think you’ll make a great serious movie.

JIMMY realizes his outburst and sits back down. STANLEY smiles a bit.

STANLEY
Thank you, Jimmy.

All is quiet again. STANLEY continues to stand uncomfortably.

MR. ALLEN
Well, if that’s it, I guess the meeting is done for this week.

All of the students stand up and begin to shuffle out. STANLEY nervously looks around, unmoving.


MR. ALLEN (CONT’D)
Stanley?

STANLEY turns to him.

MR. ALLEN
Get me some footage soon all right?

STANLEY nods his head.
STANLEY
Yeah.

He turns, walks out. MR. ALLEN stares after him, disappointed.

CUT TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. HOUSE- NIGHT

JOHN SMITH stares up at an old-fashioned clock reads that reads 3:42. He is enclosed in a pale light. The picture is grainy, distorted. JOHN wanders through a long, dark, menacing hallway. He stares down the end towards a corner and suddenly from behind it creeps out a KILLER, dressed in a clichéd black trench coat and mask. JOHN leaps back with fear. Backing up slowly, he winds up stumbling to the floor. The killer slowly and menacingly makes his way towards the helpless JOHN and reveals a KNIFE. He holds it up high, winding up for a slash. CU of JOHN’S eyes in terror.

END DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. HOUSE- NIGHT

JOHN wakes up suddenly. He flies forward and looks around obliviously.

EXT. CLIFF- DAY

STANLEY looks out across a forest. He looks tired, but also deep in thought. He lays back on a rock. He stares at the sky, slowly closing his eyes and reopening them.


EXT. RESTAURANT- DAY

STANLEY sits at a bench with a coffee, nodding to stay awake. He closes his eyes for a long time. He starts to tip over. A pair of hands catch him. He wakes with a shock, and stares up at 17-year-old CECILIA. She has large, brown eyes, brown hair; a vivacious face that contrasts STANLEY’S weathered one, and a look of true concern. STANLEY is dumbstruck.

CECILIA
Are you all right?

STANLEY
What? Oh, I was just thinking.
(Dreary)
And I’m very, very tired.

A very long, silent pause. CECILIA suddenly bursts into uncontrollable laughter, almost to the point of tears. STANLEY looks around, completely confused, but then smirks, finding her laugh infectious.

STANLEY
(Chuckling)
What?

CECILIA begins to breath heavily and her laugh dies down.

CECILIA
I’m sorry, I do that a lot.

There is again another awkward moment. CECILIA begins to lose it, but catches herself.

CECILIA (CONT’D)
Are you ok, though?

STANLEY
Not really, no.

CECILIA
You should get some sleep.

CECILIA sits down across from. STANLEY. Not expecting this, he visibly tenses up.

CECILIA (CONT’D)
My mom said, she read in this magazine, some guy stayed awake for like a week straight and died.

STANLEY
(Uneasy)
Wow. That’s pretty weird.
CECILIA
Yeah.
(Beat)
You’re that kid that makes the movies at our school, right?

STANLEY
Yeah, I am. I mean, I’m one of them. But yeah.

CECILIA
Ohhh. You’re Stanley Maverick, right? The one who made that really really funny movie last year. It was so funny!

STANLEY
Thanks.

CECILIA
No problem. I’m Jess, by the way. Sorry I forgot to introduce myself. My memory’s really bad too.

CECILIA starts to snicker. Another girl about the same age, yet very plain looking compared to CECILIA, comes out of a store close by with a bag in her hand. This is her friend, JANE.

CECILIA (CONT’D)
(Waving over)
Hey, Jane! There you are! I was wondering where you wandered off to.

STANLEY looks up to see the same girl that he was eyeing earlier in math class. They lock eyes. Awkward.

CECILIA (CONT’D)
This is my best friend Jane.

JANE
(Reserved)
Hi.

STANLEY
(Uncomfortable)
Hey.

CECILIA
This is Stanley, the one that makes movies.

JANE
(To Stanley)
You’re in my math class.

STANLEY looks even more embarrassed. He tries to cover up.

STANLEY
Oh yeah, that’s right.

Again silence. CECILIA looks to JANE who doesn’t want to be here. STANLEY just looks to the side, uncomfortable. CECILIA’S laughing begins to start up again. She stands.

CECILIA
Well, I gotta go, but it was nice to talk to you.

STANLEY
Uh, yeah. Same here.

CECILIA
Get some sleep ok?

STANLEY
(Fake chuckle)
I’ll try.

The two girls walk off, beginning to talk. STANLEY stares after CECILIA, who, after some time, glances back and waves, smiling. He waves back, turns and stares at his coffee.

INT. STANLEY’S ROOM- DAY

STANLEY sits with his back against the wall, in a fetal position. His legs are jittery. MATT lounges on a nearby couch.

STANLEY
(Nervous)
I don’t know what to do, Matt.

MATT
Jesus Christ man, just write!

STANLEY stands up, begins to pace.

STANLEY
But I’m stuck. I can’t get past the first few pages. The characters are stale, the idea is overused. I can’t do this.

MATT
Well let me read it so far.

STANLEY whips around and SNAPS at MATT.

STANLEY
No! You’ll read it when I’m finished!

MATT
(Annoyed)
Well Christ I can’t help you if you’re going to do that.

He rolls over, grunting. STANLEY sits down at his computer station. He looks at the script on the screen.

STANLEY
Like the murderer character in my movie. I don’t know what the hell to do with him. I have to make him unique somehow.

MATT turns lazily over.

MATT
Make him gay. It could be like, his character flaw.

STANLEY spins around in his chair.

STANLEY
That would be a sexual preference.
(Beat)
Do you know what a character flaw is?

MATT enthusiastically nods his head.

MATT
Yeah.

STANLEY stares at him, then spins around and goes back to his work.

INT. JOHN’S HOUSE-LIVING ROOM- DAY

JOHN is pacing. JACK sits, dressed in the same white shirt and tie as before, with a completely BLANK stare. JOHN shows some sign of forced emotion as he speaks:

JOHN
I had...another dream, Jack.

JACK
What, was it another dream about the killer, John?

JOHN
Yes, it was, and I’m scared.

JOHN stops, puts his hand on the wall, and stares at his own reflection.

JOHN
Jack...the killer knows me, it feels like he’s part of me.

JACK
You don’t think, John, that-

JOHN whips around dramatically.

JOHN
I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore.

INT. STANLEY’S ROOM- NIGHT

STANLEY is staring straight up at the ceiling. He looks down at his computer screen with the same dialogue just presented. He shakes head in doubt and sighs, then glances at a clock that reads 1:33. STANLEY licks his lips.

STANLEY (V.O.)
I’m just thirsty. I just need a drink. Then I’ll be good.

CUT TO:

STANLEY pouring some soda into a glass. He chugs it down, then continues to lick his lips. He sits back down, and tries his best to get comfortable. He begins to type.

STANLEY (V.O.)
The murderer was watching them from-

He hesitates, then hits backspace furiously. He composes himself, then begins to type again.

STANLEY (CONT’D)
It turns out the murderer was gay, and in love with John-

He stops again, and slams on the keyboard. He puts his head down in frustration, then looks up, severely distraught.

STANLEY (ALOUD)
What the hell am I supposed to write? What the hell am I doing?

DREAM SEQUENCE

A burst and swirl of colors emerge from darkness. A soft, wondrous theme plays in the background. Out of this mass of colors forms a face of a young, beautiful woman.

END DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. JOHN’S ROOM- NIGHT

CU of JOHN’S eyes opening softly. He looks around, not scared, but rather intrigued.

INT. MATT’S ROOM- NIGHT

The phone is ringing. MATT lies in bed, snoring wildly. He soon wakes, and grabs the phone angrily.

MATT
(Drowsily)
What?

INT. STANLEY’S ROOM

STANLEY is holding the phone, pacing frantically.

STANLEY
(Excited)
Matt, Matt! I have the best idea, I know what to do!
(Laughs)
I made it so beautiful, Matt! The way I’m going, this movie will be beautiful!

MATT is sitting up, rubbing his eyes.

MATT
(Annoyed)
Jesus Christ man, that’s great, but can you tell me about it when I’m friggin awake?

STANLEY
Oh, yeah, sorry, but you know, it’s just- oh God man it’s so good! I wanna start filming this thing- I want to start soon, you know? Just like, soon, just see where it takes me, you know?

MATT
Ok, we’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’m going back to bed.

STANLEY
Oh yeah, sorry. I’ll call you tomorrow, yeah.

MATT hangs up the phone, rolls over, and goes back to sleep. The phone rings again. MATT angrily picks it up again. STANLEY is sitting at the computer rubbing his forehead.

STANLEY
(Doubtful)
You know, I don’t know, I think I have to change some things before we start. Listen, I’ll read you this one part. Tell me what you think-

MATT hangs up the phone and rolls back over.


END OF ACT 1.