hi i hav updated the script again and need more feedback thanks. so far the feed back has been positive, thanks from hall86 i will start filming in less then a month



Acquitted ©
Written by Matthew Hall 2004



Acquitted – written by Matthew Hall ©

INT. OUTSIDE THE COURT ROOM – AFTERNOON
(JASON STERLING, JAMES POLLAK, REPORTER, ROBERT TAYLOR)

“Revenge is the essence, Revenge is the end.”

Scene 1.

REPORTER Voice over
“Accused murderer James Pollak has been acquitted today after his case was thrown out of the courtroom due to lack of evidence.


Camera follows James Pollak as he walks down the stairs
towards his car. It freezes on his face.

JASON STERLING Monologue
Jimmy Pollak’s days out on the street were numbered. Beating the murder rap was a god send. Now everyman and his dog that he ever crossed had a chance to get revenge. Everyone new he was scum and a cold blooded killer even if the jury didn’t. Someone was gonna get him and I hoped that someone was me.



Flash back to the murder scene.
Camera shot on Robert Taylor of his smoking shot freezes

JASON STERLING Monologue (CONTD)
Robert Taylor and I had been mates now ever since I could remember. Usually he was the reliable sort of guy but lately I’d noticed some changes. He was friends with Christy who was killed by Jimmy but I new there was something else on his mind. Anyway I knew that he too would want revenge for Christy.

JASON STERLING (CONTD)
“Hey Rob what are we gonna do about Pollak? He’s guilty as sin here and walking Scott free.

ROBERT TAYLOR
“What do you have in mind?”

JASON STERLING
“Do you think anyone would really care if Jimmy was to say go missing if you know what I mean”

ROBERT TAYLOR
“Sound like you have a plan”

JASON STERLING Monologue
“Excellent, now that I had made sure that Rob wasn’t going to rat me out I could move on with my plan.”

Walk over to the car

IN THE CAR
(Jason Sterling, Robert Taylor)

Scene 2.

ROBERT TAYLOR
What’s Jimmy’s doing crime for anyway. Why the hell is he such a scum?
JASON STERLING
I don’t know maybe a bad past or something anyway who cares I just wanna get rid of him.

ROBERT TAYLOR
It’s just so hard to tell if he’ll strike again. I mean why the hell did he kill Christy. Who knows who is next on his list? By the way how is Kate going?

JASON STERLING
I don’t wanna talk about it

ROBERT TAYLOR
Oh that bad hey. Don’t worry it’s just women.

Jason Sterling looks unhappy and turns the radio on, fade to black

Scene 3.
INT. JASON STERLING’S HOME – LATE NIGHT
(JASON STERLING, KATE STERLING)

Jason Sterling walks into his house tired after a big day at work.

JASON STERLING
Hey, Kate sorry I’m late.

KATE STERLING
Where have you been, I’ve been here waiting for ages.

Jason cuts Kate off

JASON STERLING
Just a minute, I came straight from the trial

KATE STERLING
What trial?

JASON STERLING
The murder trial I told you about

KATE STERLING
You said that would be finished hours ago!

JASON STERLING
It went over time I’m sorry

KATE STERLING
Look, I’m really getting sick and tired of you and this relationship; you haven’t even introduced me to your mother.

JASON STERLING
Oh come on now that’s not really fair.

KATE STERLING
I don’t care what’s fair the fact is I want out of this relationship and I’m sick to death of you and your excuses.


JASON STERLING
Fine then I’m leaving, I don’t want to see you again!


Scene 4.
INT IN THE CAR – MORNING
(JASON STERLING, ROBERT TAYLOR)

Phone rings and wakes up Jason who was sleeping in his car

ROBERT TAYLOR
Hey mate, it’s Rob here

JASON STERLING
What’s up?

ROBERT TAYLOR
I reckon we should pay Jimmy a visit and see if he’s home.

JASON STERLING
Sounds like and idea

ROBERT TAYLOR
I’ll meet you there in like 15 OK?

ROBERT TAYLOR
K see you

JASON STERLING
See you

Scene 6 INT. JAYS PLACE – DAY
(JASON STERLING, JAY MORRIS, ROBERT TAYLOR)

Jason Sterling meets Robert Taylor outside the apartment building.
Both walk inside and get in the elevator.

ROBERT TAYLOR
**** man where have you been? Out all night? You look terrible.

JASON STERLING
Yeah I slept in the car last night.

ROBERT TAYLOR
Ha why the hell did you do that?

JASON STERLING
I’ve been having problems with my girlfriend again and she kicked me out.

Gets into the lift

ROBERT TAYLOR
Geeze, that’s too bad man, I mean you always seem to have some sort of problem with her…what was it about this time?

JASON STERLING
Look, I don’t really want to talk about it OK?

Jason Sterling slams out of the lift and Robert Taylor follows.

ROBERT TAYLOR
Well I might be able to help.

JASON STERLING
You have no idea how I’m feeling. You best back off now coz I’m beginning to get pissed.

ROBERT TAYLOR
Sorry man just let me know if you want to talk about it.

JASON STERLING
I’ll be fine OK…if I really want advice from you I’ll ask. Anyway how is your new relationship going?

ROBERT TAYLOR
Couldn’t be better it’s go…

Jason Sterling cuts him off and stops at the door

JASON STERLING
Wait this is the one

Scene 5.
Robert Taylor knocks on the door and a guy opens it. Robert and Jason walk in.
ROBERT TAYLOR
Hey kids

Robert Taylor walks up to the guy sitting at the table, shows him his gun.
ROBERT TAYLOR (CONT’D)
What you boys doing here, where is jimmy?

No answer

ROBERT TAYLOR
Am I deaf or did I just ask you a question?

JAY MORRIS
We’re minding his place.

ROBERT TAYLOR
Do you know who we are?

JAY MORRIS
N-No

ROBERT TAYLOR
Do you know where the hell he is?

JAY MORRIS
What?

ROBERT TAYLOR
Are you stupid? A simple question where is JAMES POLLAK?

Some guy in the room cuts in

ROBERT TAYLOR
I don’t remember asking you a god damn thing!


JAY MORRIS
I might know what’s it to you?

ROBERT TAYLOR
Look you little **** tell Pollak that Robert Taylor wants to meet him tomorrow night behind slims club in the back alley at 1:30am – got that? (Points the gun at him)


JAY MORRIS
Ok ok but will he know you

ROBERT TAYLOR
He’ll know.

Scene 6.
INT. IN THE CAR – MOMENTS LATER
(JASON STERLING, ROBERT TAYLOR)

ROBERT TAYLOR
God damn it man, did you see the look on that guy’s face?

JASON STERLING
Yeah I saw it.

ROBERT TAYLOR
He was scared ****-less

JASON STERLING
OK I have to admit that it was quite amusing. I got to get going, I’m running late for work.

ROBERT TAYLOR
I can’t wait to see the look on his face tomorrow night. I love sweet revenge.

JASON STERLING
Yeah me too. (Slight evil smile)
Car drives off.

Scene 7.
INT. THE ALLEY – LATE NIGHT
(JASON STERLING, JAY MORRISM JAMES POLLAK, ROBERT TAYLOR)


JASON STERLING
Hello Jimmy remember us?

JAMES POLLAK
Yeah from the trial.

JASON STERLING
Do you know what I want?

JAMES POLLAK
You tell me

Jason sterling
I want the case

Robert Taylor
What case?

JAMES POLLAK
I thought we had a deal?

Jason Sterling
Not any more

James Sterling pulls out a gun and points it at Jimmy – Jimmy gives up the case.

JASON STERLING CONTD.
Thank you. Now I’m sorry to do this Jimmy but…

Jason points the gun at Jimmy’s head, pauses then turns and points the gun at Robert Taylor

ROBERT TAYLOR
Jason, what the hell are you doing? don’t play games … this is serious man ….

Then flash back to Jason Sterling spying on Robert and Kate at dinner. Jason doing a deal with Jimmy, Jason fighting with Kate, and the murder scene.

Jason Sterling then shoots Robert Taylor

JASON STERLING
You call yourself a mate yet you played me for a fool, I know about you and Kate and I loved her man…

Jason Sterling then shoots Jimmy, places the gun in Jimmy’s hand and walks off with the briefcase.


The end.

Hey Hall, shame you couldn't get Vince Colosimo to act in your film, what have you got now? You don't get a lift to V.E.T. on Tuesday now cause I wanted to meet Vince.

hi hall, i am also disappointed that you're not getting vince colosimo to act in your film, i thought you said you knew him well? anyways, good luck with finding a replacement

I read your script and I was like "so what"...

i am a student in yr 12 this is my first script here is another draft








Acquitted ©
Written by Matthew Hall 2004



Acquitted – written by Matthew Hall ©
Scene 1. OUTSIDE THE COURTHOUSE Day
EXT. OUTSIDE THE COURT ROOM – AFTERNOON
(JASON STERLING, JAMES POLLAK, REPORTER, ROBERT TAYLOR)

At the opening we see a pan of the city and this quote appears typed over then this fades out and in fades the movie title ‘Acquitted’.

“Revenge is the essence, Revenge is the end.”

The camera pans to the courthouse and the a voice over of the reporter plays

REPORTER Voice over
“Accused murderer James Pollak has been acquitted today after his case was thrown out of the courtroom due to lack of evidence.


James Pollak hurries down the stairs
towards his car. Pushing away media reporters as this is happening the shot becomes slow motion and Jason’s voice over plays.

JASON STERLING Monologue
Jimmy Pollak’s days out on the street were numbered. Beating the murder rap was a god send. Everyone new he was scum and a cold blooded killer even if the jury didn’t. Someone was gonna get him and god I hoped that was me.



Robert Taylor takes a slow deep drag of his cigarette.

JASON STERLING Monologue (CONTD)
Robert Taylor and I had been mates now ever since I could remember. He was a reliable sort of guy but lately I’d noticed some changes. He was good friends with victim Christy, but I new there was something else on his mind. Anyway I knew that he too would want revenge for Christy.

Jason turns to Robert and talk to him discretely.

JASON STERLING (CONTD)
“Hey Rob what are we gonna do about Pollak? Surly he’s guilty here and now he’s walking Scott free.

ROBERT TAYLOR
“What do you have in mind?”

JASON STERLING
“Do you think anyone would really care if Jimmy was to say go missing if you know what I mean”

ROBERT TAYLOR
“Sound like you have a plan”

Jason nods slightly as if to confirm a plan.

JASON STERLING Monologue
“Excellent, now that I had made sure that Rob wasn’t going to rat me out I could move on with my plan.”

Jason and Robert walk over to the car acting cool and discrete.


ROBERT TAYLOR
What’s Jimmy’s doing crime for anyway. Why the hell is he such a scum?
JASON STERLING
I don’t know maybe a bad past or something anyway who cares I just wanna get rid of him.

ROBERT TAYLOR
It’s just so hard to tell if he’ll strike again. I mean why the hell did he kill Christy. Who knows who is next on his list? By the way how is Kate going?

Jason walk over to the drivers side of the car and opens the door as he is about to get in.

JASON STERLING
I don’t wanna talk about it

ROBERT TAYLOR
Oh that bad hey. Don’t worry it’s just women.

Jason Sterling looks unhappy and gets in the car and slams the door shut. Fade to black

Scene 2 In Kate and Jason’s home Night

INT. JASON STERLING’S HOME
(JASON STERLING, KATE STERLING)

Jason Sterling walks into his house tired after a big day.

JASON STERLING
Hey, Kate sorry I’m …

KATE
…Where have you been, I’ve been here waiting for ages.

Jason cuts Kate off

JASON STERLING
Just a minute, I came straight from the trial

Jason tries to answer but gets cut off

KATE
What trial? You said that would be finished hours ago!


JASON STERLING
It went over time I’m sorry

KATE
Look, I’m really getting sick and tired of you and this relationship; you haven’t even introduced me to your mother.

KATE
I don’t care what you say the fact is I want out of this relationship and I’m sick to death of you and your excuses.

Finally Jason gets a word in.

JASON STERLING
Fine then I’m leaving, I don’t want to see you again!


Scene 3 Jason’s car parked outside Morning
INT IN THE CAR – MORNING
(JASON STERLING, ROBERT TAYLOR)

Phone rings and wakes up Jason who was sleeping in his car and looking very tiered.

ROBERT TAYLOR voice over
Hey mate, it’s Rob here

JASON STERLING
What’s up?

ROBERT TAYLOR voice over
I reckon we should pay Jimmy a visit and see if he’s home.

JASON STERLING
Sounds like and idea

ROBERT TAYLOR voice over
I’ll meet you there in like 15 OK?

Jason sterling
K see you there

Jason hangs up the phone turns the car on and then it fades to white.

Scene 4 James Pollaks place Morning

INT. JAYS PLACE – MORNING
(JASON STERLING, JAY MORRIS, ROBERT TAYLOR)

Jason Sterling meets Robert Taylor outside the apartment building in the carpark.
Both walk up the stairs toward the appartment. Jason still looks tired and messy

ROBERT TAYLOR
**** man where have you been? Out all night? You look terrible.

JASON STERLING
Yeah I slept in the car last night.

ROBERT TAYLOR
Ha why the hell did you do that?

JASON STERLING
I’ve been having problems with Kate again and she kicked me out.

Gets to the starirs

ROBERT TAYLOR
Geeze, that’s too bad man, what was it about this time?

JASON STERLING
Look, I don’t really want to talk about it OK?

Jason Sterling gets up the top of the stairs and looks unhappy. Then Robert Taylor follows.

ROBERT TAYLOR
Well I might be able to help.

Jason looks very angry

JASON STERLING
You best back off now coz I’m beginning to get pissed. You haven’t a clue

ROBERT TAYLOR
Sorry man just let me know if you want to talk about it.

JASON STERLING
I’ll be fine OK… Anyway how is your new relationship going?

ROBERT TAYLOR
Couldn’t be better it’s go…

Jason cuts Robert off and stops at the door

JASON STERLING
Wait this is the one

Scene 5 Jimmy’s place Morning

Robert Taylor knocks on the door and a guy opens it. Robert and Jason walk in looking very arrogant and not being shy about showing that they have guns.

ROBERT TAYLOR
Hey kids

Robert Taylor walks up to the guy sitting at the table and shows him his gun.

ROBERT TAYLOR (CONT’D)
What you boys doing here, where’s jimmy?

No answer

ROBERT TAYLOR
Am I deaf or did I just ask you a question?

JAY MORRIS
We’re minding his place.

ROBERT TAYLOR
Do you know who we are?

JAY MORRIS
N-No

ROBERT TAYLOR
Do you know where the hell he is?

JAY MORRIS
What?

ROBERT TAYLOR
Are you stupid? A simple question where is JAMES POLLAK?

Some guy in the room cuts in

ROBERT TAYLOR
I don’t remember asking you a god damn thing!


JAY MORRIS
I might know what’s it to you?

ROBERT TAYLOR
Look you little **** tell Pollak that Robert Taylor wants to meet him tomorrow night behind slims club in the back alley at 1:30am – got that? (Points the gun at him)


JAY MORRIS
Ok ok but will he know you

ROBERT TAYLOR
He’ll know.

Scene 6.
INT. IN THE CAR – MOMENTS LATER
(JASON STERLING, ROBERT TAYLOR)

ROBERT TAYLOR
God damn it man, did you see the look on that guy’s face?

JASON STERLING
Yeah I saw it.

ROBERT TAYLOR
He was scared ****-less

JASON STERLING
OK I have to admit that it was quite amusing. I got to get going, I’m running late for work.

ROBERT TAYLOR
I can’t wait to see the look on his face tomorrow night. I love sweet revenge.

JASON STERLING
Yeah me too. (Slight evil smile)
Car drives off.

Scene 7.
INT. THE ALLEY – LATE NIGHT
(JASON STERLING, JAY MORRISM JAMES POLLAK, ROBERT TAYLOR)


JASON STERLING
Hello Jimmy remember us?

JAMES POLLAK
Yeah from the trial.

JASON STERLING
Do you know what I want?

JAMES POLLAK
You tell me

Jason sterling
I want the case

Robert Taylor
What case?

JAMES POLLAK
I thought we had a deal?

Jason Sterling
Not any more

James Sterling pulls out a gun and points it at Jimmy – Jimmy gives up the case.

JASON STERLING CONTD.
Thank you. Now I’m sorry to do this Jimmy but…

Jason points the gun at Jimmy’s head, pauses then turns and points the gun at Robert Taylor

ROBERT TAYLOR
Jason, what the hell are you doing? don’t play games … this is serious man ….

Then flash back to Jason Sterling spying on Robert and Kate at dinner. Jason doing a deal with Jimmy, Jason fighting with Kate, and the murder scene.

Jason Sterling then shoots Robert Taylor

JASON STERLING
You call yourself a mate yet you played me for a fool, I know about you and Kate and I loved her man…

Jason Sterling then shoots Jimmy, places the gun in Jimmy’s hand and walks off with the briefcase.


The end.

quote:

---

Originally posted by braininabox:
I read your script and I was like "so what"...

---

easy mate... at least put down something constructive

It didnt quite grab me is what I am saying. I dont know... know quite my type...

i thought this could almost be good, sort of a tarantino/richie style crime movie...except that some of the dialogue seems to be lifted directly from a scene in pulp fiction.
"You best back off now coz I’m beginning to get pissed"
"I don’t remember asking you a god damn thing!"
this scene just feels way too familiar. and not in a good way.
otherwise, the ending was a nice twist.

I was going to mention the Pulp Fiction references as well, they're frankly very obvious to anyone who's seen the film. As for the dialogue, try to make it sound more natural. Try saying the lines out loud, then change them slightly in accordance to what you think real people in a bar or in an elevator or fighting would say. For example, "You haven’t a clue." I don't know about you, but I don't know a hell of a lot of people who say "you haven't a clue." "You don't have a clue," maybe, and "you've got no idea what it's like" is better (rarely do people in real life adhere strictly to grammatical perfection). This could be a good film, just as long as you make it as believable as possible, student crime movies tend to lean towards ridged, wooden ideas of what criminals say or do. They're just like us, man. For starters, lengthen the breakup scene, that "I don't ever want to see you again" sounds forced, build up the fight to the point where it would be believable (or expected) for Jason to kill her, then make him say the line. Keep it up, keep us updated. You've got a potentially very good movie here.