Deleted

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Hall,

okay, so i just read all you wrote so far. it's not bad (although the last scene is rather disturbing, but I'm sure that was the intent), but there seem to be a lot of boring scenes that, although fairly well written, take away from the interest of the story. since you wrote it in such a short time i suggest you cut unneccessary plot devices and words. i saw you used "well" to start off diolouge at least a handful of times and that isn't neccessary in the screenplay. i like your writing style because it isn't that far off from my own, but some of the quotes are pretty lengthy and unrealistic and the story is rather hard to follow. try cutting to the chase as much as possible unless you plan on building anticipation, which i wasnt getting. i was slightly confused about the focus of the story, and which relationship was most important (ginger/larry or ginger/melissa, or neither?). also, PLEASE consider renaming your character, ive never met a guy named ginger so i kept having to remind myself while reading the script that this character isn't a girl. just think to your self: is this part intruiging, or does it add to the ambiance or progression of the story? and, if not, save it for dvd extras when you make your movie.

Unfortunately I didn't have time to read the whole thing, but I got up to the scene with the cop and I'm very impressed. Obviously it's not polished yet, and it can use some cuts, but I really like it. I'll try to come back to the rest later. This is a feature, right? The pacing is still a bit slow, but you'll get there. I like the dynamic between Ginger and Larry.

The only character I'm not loving right now is Melissa. I understand why you've got her there and that character certainly needs to be there in some form, but she's the only person who seems a bit cliche to me. The tone of this reminds me a bit of Donnie Darko, so I wouldn't want to suggest that anything in this script becomes even more like that film, but check out Jena Malone's character from DD. She strikes me as the sort of thing you're going for with Melissa, but somewhat deeper. Maybe she evolves as it continues, that's jsut my early reaction.

Overall I really like it. Keep up the good work.

I agree that that's the best example of the slow pace. I think that line can be achieved in a much more cinematic way, whatever that may be.

Also, I personally really like Donnie Darko, so please don't take my comment as an insult. It's obviously a lot less...well, weird. I'm referring mostly to the isolation Jake Gyllenhaal's character feels in the film.

If you saw Donnie Darko in 5th or 6th grade, you must be a sophomore or junior now. This is pretty solid writing for a sophomore or junior. I mean, it's pretty solid writing period, but especially for someone whos probably going to continue to grow as a writer. Unless you're like me... I was a better writer in 8th grade than I am now. Not sure why.

you really like to type a lot hall...