my names angelo, 16, i'm an australian student in grade 12.
what i'm looking for are people kind enough to critique my screenplay which, soon enough, i will film. the screenplay is 8 pages long for an 8 minute film. the short film is for my HSC (higher school certificate), which is a VERY important grade here in australia.
there is no rush. i have most of the year ahead of me to finish, as it is a major work done over the entire course.
i really need these critiques so i can develop my screenplay more and more until i feel it is perfect for my filming.
if you are interested, just let me know and i will send you the URL for the screenplay.
thanks alot in advance to all!
"Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Posts: 62 | Location: australia | Registered: February 24, 2005
"Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Posts: 62 | Location: australia | Registered: February 24, 2005
hey dude, also an Aussie, Just doin my BFA in Film and TV at QUT up here in Brisbane. I topped Film and TV at high school. Give us a yell with the URL at theparnell@hotmail.com .
Cheers.
Matthew Parnell Electric
Posts: 462 | Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia | Registered: April 26, 2003
Geez i finished HSC 3 years ago and i didnt get Film and TV as a subject. I was stuck doing Ancient, Modern and History Extension Anyways, your teacher should have given you a assessment task sheet which lists all the criteria of your assessment.
Posts: 105 | Location: Australia | Registered: February 28, 2005
damn. beats doing history not that i exactly knew i wanted to work in film when i was in yr11 and 12 anyways. Gelo are u going to post the URL for your draft?
Posts: 105 | Location: Australia | Registered: February 28, 2005
please have a read, it isn't too long, and let me know what you think in an email or PM. please be as CRITICAL as possible, and HONEST.
thanks once again!!!
"Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Posts: 62 | Location: australia | Registered: February 24, 2005
"Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Posts: 62 | Location: australia | Registered: February 24, 2005
you enjoyed it? email me at urban.filo@gmail.com then with a critique! that would be helpful....
thanks!
"Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Posts: 62 | Location: australia | Registered: February 24, 2005
"Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Posts: 62 | Location: australia | Registered: February 24, 2005
the URL i gave in my above post is where the screenplay is at.
"Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Posts: 62 | Location: australia | Registered: February 24, 2005
Ok please don’t take this the wrong way. I mean the script is written very well and for what it is its very good. However this is me and personally I’m not a big fan of this particular genre. (This is just my opinion, its not always right.) Its just I usually see alot of this style and storyline. Upset teen that can only find a way out of his pain through death. It has been used alot before and I just don’t know if it will be that effective and will stand out. Audiences like a glimmer of hope ever now and then and in the world we live in today it would be nice to see something that doesn’t use death as an escape. I would show the story from a different angle. You know what’s going to happen by the end of page two. I would show the events that lead up to the girl’s suicide and then lead in the tragedy part of the film. That way you could use different film ideas like, Romance, a little bit of light comedy, drama and build up on the tragic ending by using a sub plot, I feel that your not making us care enough about Lorem to be effected by what he does. “Finding Neverland” is a good example, there is always some dark theme running through each scene but there are other events like romance and comedy being shown to the audience. But then again that’s just me. Never the less it’s still a good piece of writing and I’m not knocking it at all! My suggestion is try to make it somewhat different from other films that are like this. Give it some new ideas or approaches to this particular subject of suicide and loss of love.
Posts: 20 | Location: Australia | Registered: February 06, 2006
This script is basically the epitome of a cliche student film. Love, loss, lots of pointless cigarette smoking, depression, no storyline, and ending with suicide. I can't blame you, because we've all made one of these films. Luckily, I realized halfway through the production of mine what a piece of s*** it was and dropped it. If you don't have time to write something else, go ahead and shoot this, but I'd try to rewrite some of it. It's completely unoriginal and predictable in every way. I will say, however, that both you're structure and language use are fantastic. You've just got to apply those skills to an original idea -- which is of course the hardest part.
Well, you said be honest, so there it is.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mark Denega,
this was supposed to be a "reflection on loneliness", and extremely analytical film depicting the epidemic of loneliness amongst youth.
you refer to his "suicide". but in actual fact, he never really did, in my interpretation as the writer. firstly, i left it almost open-ended as to whether he died or not.. and also, he was supposed to have been struck by some "heart condition", not suicide. it is a fact that severe loneliness leads to heart conditions and depression, and i tried to show this in that way.
the cigarette smoking was supposed to depict the self-degradation that lonely ppl resort to...
i must defend my film because i feel that either you guys are reading it wrong, or i have not written it well enough to clearly show my point. i think it may be the latter...but is that necessarily a bad thing?...i was actually hoping for it to be open to many interpretations: the pills -- drugs? anti-depression pills? heart-condition medicine?
anyway... please let me know your ideas on the above and more.
"Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Posts: 62 | Location: australia | Registered: February 24, 2005
The problem may be that you haven't been around the world of student filmmaking long enough to know that the topics of suicide, lonliness and depression are exteremly hackneyed. It's been done so many times that I can't stand watching anymore films of the sort. Most of them are an excuse to create a "thought provoking" piece that is compeltely lacking in substance and character development. The fact that no major events take place in the this film to further the progression of the story lead me to believe that this is in fact one of those films. The boy sits around and smokes cigarettes while being wrapped in his own lonliness and depression. While this may seem "cool" in your head, I assure that not many people are going to appreciate this film because there's no meat, and this has been done too many times in the past.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mark Denega,
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Anyways, your teacher should have given you a assessment task sheet which lists all the criteria of your assessment.
not that i exactly knew i wanted to work in film when i was in yr11 and 12 anyways. Gelo are u going to post the URL for your draft?
