http://www.standardquality.com/firstgrade/guidelines.shtml

Here is where you learn about a film festival that will earn you fame and fortune. By "fame and fortune," I mean "the ice-cold drink that is most to your liking, should it be made available at the event."

It is called First Grade Film Festival.

We are looking for entries, yo.

If you make films, that is awesome.

Perhaps you would like to enter one of your films.

How can you lose?

You can't, because submitting films is free.

Unlike other festivals.

Other festivals are all, "send your tape AND a submission fee."

They make you turn your pockets inside-out and shrug as a large question mark appears above your head.

They make you set up a lemonade stand or sell a kidney or do fetish videos for that cash.

Then you show up at the festival, and they are most interested in the foie gras being passed around.

You'd also like some foie gras, but "that's not for you," they say.

"Foie gras is for closers," they explain. "Closers and VIPs. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go talk to Ethan Hawke. He's famous."

Then, off they go to talk to Ethan Hawke.

Not us. Not at our festival.

You won't leave our festival spurned, hungry and jealous of Ethan Hawke.

No siree.

You'll leave drunk and entertained and feeling like magic.

Ethan Hawke will be jealous of you.

We like tapes that are VHS, miniDV or Digital8.

We also like discs that are DVD or of Tron.

Put your film on one of the above forms of media and send it here:

First Grade (c/o Ben P)
501 Oak St. #7
San Francisco, CA 94102

If you want the tape back, throw a SASE in our FASE.

SASE is an acronym that stands for "self-addressed stamped envelope".

After several meetings, we have determined a deadline for entry-submissions.

That deadline is as follows: April 4, 2003.

You'll need the Internet for this next part, so go ahead and get that ready.

We know this guy Eric who is good with computers and he made us a Web site.

Here is the address for that Web site: http://www.firstgradefilmfest.com/

We very much look forward to watching your tapes and perhaps having them entertain everyone who attends the event.

You are very special, and we are falling in love with you.