The Game : YouTube Link

First of all I would just like to say that I am very excited about joining these forums. I'm hoping it will help me learn a lot about filmmaking and give me a great opportunity to network with others. With that said I would like to introduce to you my first short film made in month 2 at The Los Angeles Film School.

Style is known as one of the greatest pickup artists in the world. He is able to go into any bar and fornicate with any woman that he laid his eyes on, unfortunately his world falls apart when he meets the girl of his dreams. Based on Neil Strauss's best selling book book, The Game.

Enjoy my first short film and please feel free to leave your comments on YouTube as well.

Not bad for a first film, it's good that you are thinking about character need and want and so forth. Also, the film is decently produced, although it was hard to hear the dialogue in the bar scene. I believe much can be learned from this film to make your films better, starting with the narrative. Most problems with this film originated during the scriptwriting process.

Film is unique in that it allows you to SHOW your story, not tell it. Starting the film off with narration is a big no-no. It's an easy way to TELL your audience who he is and what his problems are. But you want to show. In the best films, you discern who the characters are by the subtext of the dialogue, but more importantly through the actions that the character takes to deal with a conflict. Define your characters actively through action instead of passively through on-the-nose narration.

For instance, he says, "I am what women want. Not what they say they want, but what they want deep inside." Why should we believe him? His poor delivery doesn't make me want to believe him. You should be able to show this through his actual interactions with women, and it is good that you have a bar scene with him picking up a woman. However, the bar scene is **** because you can't hear him and he doesn't seem that charming to begin with, so your one chance to show how dominant he is is blown.

Also, it helps if you follow the 3 act narrative structure. It can't be overstated how important it is. You need to have a clear catalyst and a clear goal. You need to have obstacles and conflicts preventing your character from his goal. All this feeds into The Question that the audience is asking, "Will the character meet his goal? What will happen?" You need to raise the stakes and you got to put the character in a corner before the final act. His actions and choices must change somehow before the final push towards that goal in order to give a character arc to your story. End the film with The Answer to The Question in the climax.

I suppose his goal is to break free of his meaningless sex life? Two problems:

1. This goal is inconsistent throughout the film. For the first half of the the film it is very clear that his goal is to find real love, but then you go to the bar scene where his goal flips. Now, his goal is to pick up the woman. In a short film, there needs to be one goal throughout the movie.

2. This goal is internal. Since film is about actions, you need to have a concrete external conflict that brings to light or represents his internal struggle. Stories solely about internal conflicts are best left to literature because we can get into the protagonists mind a lot easier. This is why not all good books make good movies.

So how would you go about writing a script that encompasses all this but also preserves the themes of the book? Easy. There are plenty of places you can start right in the book. Since story structure is the same in literature as well, there are a handful of scenes to choose from that present a goal, build the stakes through conflict and have a clear resolution.

For example, I'm thinking of a scene where Style begins to be Mystery's sidekick. But first, he has to prove himself to Mystery's students as well to himself that he knows what he is doing. He needs to pick up a girl in the club. Right there, that gives you a simple concrete objective, the stakes are raised right off the bat, and a clean set up for the rest of the film. What if he goes for a girl with substance? Now the fake pick up artist part of him is with odds with his real self underneath. This is just one example of an internal conflict characterized by external conflict, you could go a zillion ways with that scene.

Finally, I think I have some issue with what part of the book you chose craft your story about. Your character is based off of Style in the second half of the book when he exits the game. I think the first half of the book, as he's learning the game, is a much more compelling story. Think about it: a story about a guy whining how he gets with too many women is hard to empathize with compared to a story about a balding, near-virgin writer who wants to become a pick-up artist.

Sorry if I'm rambling, but it's what happens when I drink red bull at 5:00 am.